What to do about nosy neighbors?

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In April of this year our neighbors of 10 years finally decided to sell up and move to the countryside to enjoy their retirement. They were good decent friendly folk who respected our privacy and never once asked us about our daughter's autism.

A Chinese family moved next door to us. Within a week the mother introduced herself, but here's where some awkward problems started.

She gave me a interrogation about what job do I do, am I married, do I have children, what job does my wife do and what school does my daughter do. When she asked me how much money do we earn I made an excuse that I had to go. She saw me again one more time and made out we were old friends? she then asked if there was anything wrong with my daughter, why does she come home early? she hears strange sounds? Once again I made an excuse and said I was busy. I found the manner she asked me the questions very intrusive.

Last weekend my daughter was having a bath, singing and laughing in the bathroom very loudly with my wife. I looked through the bedroom window and could see the neighbor poking her head through her fly-screen listening to the noise coming from our bathroom (the noise carries).

I plan to avoid situations where I have to talk to this family but now find her Chinese friends are also parking their cars near our house and staring at us when we are in the front yard. I find this neighbor and her friends really irritating. I sense (just a hunch) she is wanting to compare her family with ours and is itching to find out if there is anything wrong with my daughter.

I know they probably mean us no harm, but they are actually freaking me out. Maybe I'm just being paranoid?

Neighbours! I guess you should just tell her matter of factly that your daughter has autism. She is going to find out sometime anyway.

I would except I have a strong sense she shouldn't be rewarded for poking her nose into our families affairs.

I think you should just nip her curiosity in the bud.

Maybe someone else will have a more creative phrase, one that could really stop her in her tracks (without creating new issues), but here are some things I might say:

1) To the most intrusive questions: "I prefer not to share that level of personal information."

2) About your daughter: "She was born with some unique challenges but we've decided life would be so much less interesting if she wasn't exactly as she is, and we love her to pieces."

And when she asks what you mean by unique challenges, you can say,

3) "I prefer not to share that level of detail."

When someones gets too intrusive, it really is socially acceptable to politely tell them so, but it is more fun if you do it with flair (yeah, I'm no good at that, either, but ....)

If you keep avoiding her and making excuses, you are leaving her to what is probably her own very vivid imagination. And her very vivid imagination could get you attention you don't want.

Now, you might actually earn a lot of solicitude (is that the right word? I'm tired) from her if you were to give her the full rundown (on the ASD, not your finances ), but since it doesn't sound like you really want to end up with her being overly involved in your life, I guess we'll leave that concept on the shelf.

Oh no! I know this is something of a stereotype but the Chinese are known for their obsession with social status and the like.

You may have to build a wall. Or move.

To be honest I'm not used to this type of intrusion. People here are generally quite easy going in my street so I find this new family a little too hard to deal with.

At the moment the best I can do is smile.

Today, my wife was taking pictures of birds in the front yard as my daughter likes to collect digital photos of animals for her scrap book/diary. Apparently the this lady came outside and was grumpy at my wife for taking photos near her house. I was joking maybe they have a drug lab in their basement.

That probably explains her questions. I thinks it's really weird to ask somebody how much they earn when you have never met them before. Maybe a cultural aspect I did not consider.

Wreck-Gar I used to live next door to a Japanese family with my parents and they were nothing like this. They were so nice and polite, always invited us for lunch or dinner.

Wow, this is a tough one - I agree with DW that you avoiding the situation is only going to make it worse. I suppose if it were me, I would take some time to come up with a very direct response, one that points out her behavior. (Keep in mind, while I don't know exactly what I am, I'm no NT, so take this with a grain of salt.)

E.g. "I noticed you were staring at my house - in the future, I'd appreciate it if you would show more respect for our privacy. It makes us uncomfortable to be stared at."

DW, I wish posts had a like button.

Cyberdad, I slightly (just very slightly) hope she comes over and says, "Is there something wrong with your daughter?" just so that you can say, "Why, not at all. She's absolutley perfect, just the way she is."

You know what, I'm going to take up your suggestion,\

Thanks ST.

I love it when a plan comes together! cyberdad - I hope you do get to say something to her like this that will make her at least think about how rude and insensitive she is.

I blurt out that my son is autistic to just about anyone. I think it raises awareness and prevents misconceptions to be upfront about it. Nevertheless it's still none of her business if you don't want to share and asking about your income was very rude.

Always glad to help