Not sure what to do for my sweet boy

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I am not sure how to help my oldest son. He is 11. He has Asperger's and is struggling.

His father lives far away and his grandfather was his best friend in the whole world. He moved off to save the world with his wife for 2 years in Africa after telling us a week before he left. That was so hard for my son. He was broken hearted. He rarely heard from them. Then when they returned they had adopted a girl about my son's age who was very protective them (naturally) so she made it hard for a visit to happen. After 3 disastrous visits when they first got home they have quit communicating with him. They have been home for a year (live 5 minutes away) and never call him or anything. My son feels replaced and is so depressed.

He knows he has me and his step dad (since he was 2) but we can never replace his best friend he lost. He does not understand how they could do this to him and truthfully neither can I. But with his Asperger's comes hyper sensory so his broken heart feels a thousand times more broken that I can ever imagine.

He is lashing out at us and his siblings. I feel terrible punishing him because I know why he hurts. We have a therapist. We have begged his dad to get grandpa to try to understand but they are so wrapped up in their "new daughter." I just don't know what more to do to help him be happy again.

Help.

As my mom would say, "You can't put all your eggs in one basket."

I lost my best friend "in the world" when I was a teenager... she decided she hated me and that I was better off dead, basically overnight. I know how your son feels.

He can't replace his grandfather, but he can't live in the past either. Yes, it sucks that he has to learn these things so young... but they're things that everyone has to learn at some point.

Hypersensitivity in Asperger's refers generally to physical sensation and not emotional.

I would continue with intensive therapy.

Have you tried positive reinforcement for behavior? Do you have a behavior specialist?

I am so sorry that this has happened, and I do actually feel quite angry with your son's grandfather. It is all very well to be philanthropic to others and no doubt there are many who need love and help, but not to the extent that that love and companionship is denied his own grandson.

No wonder you are at a loss here. No matter how much you comfort and console your son he has been given the message that people cannot be relied on, and that is going to be so hard to overcome.

Does the grandfather attend a church? You say they live near you. If he is a church-goer do you think you could approach the minister/priest for help - maybe to mediate a meeting between you and him initially to try and mend the relationship between boy and grandfather?

Have YOU talked to the grandfather, face to face, and told him what you've told us here?

I'd be mamma bear for my child, letting a relative know that I EXPECT better from them. They wouldn't be able to tell me "no"

There is nothing here for your son to "understand" except that life isn't fair and people you love can let you down big time. I think he's too young to have to learn that lesson, and his grandfather can choose to teach a different - and better - one, or understand and accept respoinsibility for blowing the child's unconditional love and trust. Yeah, that is exactly what I'd tell grand dad.

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Show his grandfather the letter you wrote here. If you find that hard to do, maybe show it to his wife. He certainly needs to know the effect his lack of consistency has had on your son. It's just not good enough.