The horrible backlash of holding it together all day

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I should be so happy my daughter is getting better and better holding it together during school and with other people. But I am feeling so crazy dealing with the contrast of her behind closed doors (at home) vs her in public. I feel like if she can hold it together all day, she should be able to treat me better and act better at home. I've read tracker's book section on this, and I understand she's just on overload by the end of the day but I am SO TIRED of being the only one who gets the brunt of this! And to make matters worse, my mother accused ME of being the problem. Are any of you struggling with this?

This weekend my mother took my daughter to her cabin for the weekend. My daughter apparently did "fine" with only a few "eccentricities" or "tantrums" (my mothers words). My mother actually insinuated today in a very serious manner that my daughter only acts like she does at home because I let her! You can't believe how mad that made me! Now, my mother is not known for her keen insight-my brother and I were basically left to raise ourselves so she's not the world's best parental judge, but this just knocked me over.

Upon returning home from the cabin my daughter has been excessively clingy, wanting me to hold her hand while she goes to the bathroom, always wanting me right next to her, weepy, and barking at me. It's obvious to me that being around my mother and having to "hold it together" for her was hard for my daughter. I tried to calmly tell my mother that she needs to "accept Grace for who she is" and not demand that she "act right or else". My mother said that if I did a little more of that my daughter would act better!

Now, I work very hard on repercussions and strategies for improving my daughter's behavior. I am not a lax parent. I am a single parent and it seems I spend all my time dealing with her anxieties, fears, sensitivities, etc. I feel like I am all alone and going crazy! I feel like no one understands what I am going through.

My daughter refuses to read at home but the school states she reads near grade level at school. Why the difference?

I don't want to believe that something I am doing is making my daughter this way at home. Is this really just backlash of her holding it together all day? Is it possible?

Thanks for any insight here. I really just need to bounce this around to some people who will give me some perspective.

Home is the only place our children can be themselves and decompress and test behaviors without fear of repercussions.
If she is acting this way, you are probably doing everything right. All kids who are fortunate enough to live in a home filled with unconditional love do this. Kids with challenges need more decompression and need help finding ways to decompress that are not destructive. If she is old enough to understand that, maybe you can talk about it with her during quiet times, a little at a time. I think you understand your daughter better than your Mom does. Home needs to be a safe place and a place to recharge or she won't be able to keep the rest of it together. I used to feel the way you feel about my son always taking it out on me when he was younger, you are not alone in feeling that way. It gets better when they get older, but happens slowly over time. Hang in there and keep loving her like you are. It matters to her development of self-worth when she looks back that you loved her unconditionally during the rocky times as only a Mom can.

I agree with Franma. You might know I'm a single parent of one daughter too (13) and deal with exactly the same thing, judgements from my well meaning mother about how I let my daughter get away with bad temper, tantrums, ets since she was little (They've got better). The fact is , only you really know what's best for her and truly understand her ways. I also get terribly fed up with the one she takes it all out on, and how have I dealt with this over time? Not always very well I suppose, but one thing is I definiteley have more in my life, interests, hobbies , studies etc that bring me pleasure that are not at all to do with he., and I find this helps give me perspective. She will always be number 1, but her knowing that her mother has a wider life is good for her, too.
Today I have let her take the day off school, which I know mother would be faintly disapproving of, I know she needs to have a day to herself, she told me, while wailing with the duvet over her head, that she doesnt want to "always talk"; this I understand is the social talking at school she finds such a tirsome burden yet makes herself do. I myself grew up in a family where you had to be virtually on death's door before you were allowed to miss school, to be honest, that has been passed down to me, but I know I have to overcome it to do what's best for her. I know that she will be in much better form later on, ready to tackle the day tomorrow.
The thing is our parents, like your mom and my mom have not brought up a child who's truly different, they havent lived with one 24 hours a day so they dont have the real understanding that goes with that.
And yes, it is tough, but if it helps there are people who really understand, like me!

The one thing I can't stress enough is: Don't blame yourself! Kids on the spectrum often use a great deal of energy trying to appear "normal" to those outside of their close family. When they re-enter their comfort zone, it's like a relief - they can let go and just be themselves. It can be very hard to adjust to these changes.

Hi I have/had exactly the same with my son now 13yrs old I only heard the word Aspergers over a year ago. I went through the primary school years thinking I was crazy. My son would just let go as soon as I pick him up from school, in and out of school and they would tell me all was fine. I would get the eyes in the sky face from teacher and prinicpal.

Home is their safety net, my son is still like this but now I just let him get on with it and not get upset even when he pushes and boy he pushes.

I understand completely - it's horrible. We get people telling us it's our fault, whether implied or directly, all the time. DS can usually hold it together until we pick him up to leave, so then whoever it is gets to see a perfectly behaved polite child morph before their eyes into a screaming monster.

You can set some boundaries, though - as a single parent, you especially need to do so. My son can also be really clingy, but we've all agreed (via a family contract) that he will go or be sent to his room if he can't keep from lashing out at us (I sometimes feel like I have the only Aspie in the world who hates being alone.) We wrote down specifically what things are not allowed, and we discussed what signs in himself he should look for to be proactive about going.

For instance:

No angry touching (our #1 rule for all of us) (If you have an extremely literal child, it may work better to say "no touching _________________ when angry"
No throwing or kicking things outside his room (in his room, he's responsible to clean up or deal with anything he breaks)
No name-calling, threats, or verbal abuse

We're working on the anxieties next; a weighted lap-pad seems to be helping, allowing him to bring stuffed animals or nerf guns wherever also helps, music in his room helps. We went over "What To Do When Your Brain Gets Stuck" and we try to talk him through situations like going to the basement to get something (he's allowed to bring nerf guns or stuffed animals)

I think it's also OK to set a time limit on the clinginess: "I know you had a really hard day today, so I'm going to stay until (end of the song, the clock says __________, etc. but a finite limit) and then you can cuddle your stuffed animal."

I just need to point out that when I say he can get on with it I have boundaries that are firmly in place. If he over steps this there is consequence and this can be problematic but he also knows why. I don't won't accept swearing, he can be crude at time but I do have serious talks about this etc he does pushes boundaries we compromise.

The bolded part is what stands out to me. My son has had times when he is taking it all out on me. The thing is, I don't think that is really "him". I think the stuff that is coming out at times like that is just stress and pent up frustration. I think those of us who have the experience of being the punching bag, so to speak, would like to see the good side of our kids once in a while too. We understand that they need a safe place to vent but would also like to share joy and silliness together too. Thankfully for me, DS's behavior in this department is more the exception than the rule but when we are in that phase, it is tough.

Mama - hang in there. I fully believe that it it NOT any error on your part no matter what you are hearing from other sources. momsparky has some good suggestions. Maybe you 2 can find something that amuses you both and be able to share that once in a whil.

Thanks everyone for the replies of support and suggestions.

Immediately after either school or a social outing my daughter is very tense. Her repetitive behaviors, fidgeting, irritability are highest at those times. Luckily, we have come so far in the last year with her retreating to her room during those times to decompress. But if she is pushed just one iota past her breaking point, all hell breaks loose. She will yell, push, kick, throw things, rip things up, hit herself, cry, etc. A surefire thing to push her past her breaking point is to go from one social activity to another: so for instance, my mom drops by after school and sees these horrible behaviors and then wonders why she doesn't do these thngs at school or when alone with her. It's so hard to try to explain HOW she can hold it together during those times and how GREAT it is that she can---I barely understand it myself.

We do have wonderful, laughing, playful, loving moments just she and I alone. At the end of the day when she has done the decompression, when she wakes up on the weekends, doing what she loves...these moments are wonderful. It's not all me being the punching bag...it just seems it always happens WITH me. At times I wonder if she is universally angry with me as she really lashes out at me-when I make her do things she hates-like wash her hair or clip her nails, etc. She becomes quite surly.

I guess this is just part of being a parent to a "spirited" child like my daughter. Thanks for making me feel like I am not alone!

i have Aspergers and im 17 right now. i my parents tell me the diffrence in my attitude now. i have mellowed out though. so she will probably grow out of it. though of coarse i suffered i traumatic social event. it changed me forever. i must say though "keeping it all together" is simple acting i do it every day and even though i can look completely calm on the outside my mind is going crazy. i can barely stand to be around people anymore unless i trust them wich is hard now. i can understand what your going through since i went through what your daughter has.

We have the same trouble here. My son has not settled in at school very well. They are very strict about things this year that haven't been a problem before, and it has affected him quite a bit. He has settled down some but he still sometimes, unintentionally, takes his frustrations with school out on us.

I have given him more time to decompress, more pretend play time with Mommy (which calms him, and lets him work out some of his problems.) I have had to loosen up on a few things at home to get closer to a better equilibrium. It seems to be working, but your mileage may vary.

Yes, I get a similar treatment, each day at 3pm from my little 'spirited' girl. The others kids go to their parents and maybe hug them. I'm lucky if I get a slap (not on the face), I seldom get a smile, hugs are once in a blue moon and are usually associated with other people coming to collect her along with me. She seldom speaks on the way home (although sometimes she goes on and on). The only thing she's interested in is what snack I've brought her and wanting to meet a certain child after-school, who is getting quite tired of her. It can be heartbreaking, especially as I'm a full-time mum. I've maybe not spoken to another soul, in person, except at school drop-off and pick-up time. I sometimes dread the pick-up (even though it means I'll be reunited with my baby), as it's really knocking my self-esteem. I've fallen out for good with my MIL over the accusations of poor parenting she threw at me. I've been crying as I've been typing this.

To onlookers, it must look like I'm a bad mum and she prefers to be in school to being at home, although I've stopped caring what others might be thinking. But, she really enjoys my company and actually wants to spend more time with me. She's been speaking for a long time about wanting to be home schooled and we've almost made the decision to start it in the new year - still really apprehensive, but my husband has come round to the idea now. The teachers are unaware of this.

She's not perfect in school, but she's not disruptive or cheeky. The teachers have only needed to speak to me once, at the end of the school day and that was mainly caused by a misunderstanding of what my daughter said. The main issues at school are with concentration and taking ages to complete tasks (including putting shoes on, etc). There are issues with social skills, but it all seems to be about what effect that has on others, no care about how it's making her feel. My concerns about the way other kids treat her and the prospect of bullying are not taken seriously. The onus appears to be firmly on her to improve her social skills - there's no responsibility placed on the others to treat her with respect. Meanwhile, she's not getting any support whatsoever in that area. I can completely understand how that feels to her.

Good luck

I also held it together in school and completely lost it at home... in fact, now, I hold it together with staff (mostly) and have meltdowns as soon as they leave many days. Over Thanksgiving at Mom's, I held it together with all the company then lost it in the car.

I do not know how to explain it. My body just KNOWS it's safe to lose it now. It's not a decision or an active thinking process, but rather something my body just does.