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Bombaloo
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13 Mar 2012, 6:52 pm

My almost 6 yo is getting in a lot of trouble at Kindergarten because he is trying to kiss the other kids, boys and girls. The teacher and I ahve tried to set a "no touch" rule but this behavior is only getting worse. At first it seemed like he was trying to kiss at times when it would be appropriate to give a complement or say thank-you but now it seems to have turned into a game for him but the other kids are really getting upset with him about it. Anyone have an thoughts for how we might redirect this behavior?



kg4fxg
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13 Mar 2012, 7:11 pm

Get a steady girlfriend? Just kidding.

I remember when I was in 5th grade girls always kissing me on the play ground. Easy for girls and back then it was in the 70's. Does he have a diagnosis. Does he have Aspergers? OK, it maybe to early to really tell?

I am reading a wonder easy read book that talks about friends and what to expect at all different ages and behavior. "The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood. Very good and not a hard read. But I am only 25% through it. It will help you understand and determine if he is mis-diagnosed.

School situations are very difficult for someone with Aspergers. Maybe other can provide some encouraging advice.



Bombaloo
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13 Mar 2012, 8:10 pm

Sorry, I didn't give any background. I get tunnel vision when I am stressed. He was diagnosed at 4 yo with HFA/Aspergers. He is very bright and verbal but is absolutely struggling in kindergarten. They have been making acommodations for him like putting him with the first graders for reading group and providing more challenging math work but he still only barely participates in what is going on in the classroom. His issues are many but this kissing thing is the most problematic at the moment as it has not only the other kids but their parents upset.



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13 Mar 2012, 8:31 pm

The book I mentioned has a section Hugs/Kisses. It has several references.

Someone with Aspergers will not understand this person needs a hug and what that will do for them. Back to your issue. Watch several movies and pause them and explain who is hugging or kissing who and when it is appropriate.

The book mentions it should only happen among friends and then we are talking Adolescents. It has to be agree mutually. You can't just arbitrarily kiss someone.

For example is he sees a movie where someone randomly walks up to a girl an kisses her and it appears positive then to him it seems like a good idea, or it has been in the past. The idea of exemplary behaviors seen in movies even home movies. Other recommendations I have read is keeping a "Good Behavior" diary. Writing down when certain behaviors are achieved or that is the initial response.

I am no counselor, just a CPA who reads a lot and has Aspergers myself. If there is any consolation you can grow up and be successful.



Bombaloo
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13 Mar 2012, 9:18 pm

Oddly enough, he usually insists that we skip any "kissing parts" in movies :lol: That is a good idea. I often use what's happening in movies or stories that we read together to ask him about how people are feeling so that would be a natural extension. The diary sound like a good idea too. He could even write some of it, he writes well enough to do that.
Thanks!



angelgarden
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15 Mar 2012, 3:41 am

Well, my son does this too. He is almost 5yo and recently diagnosed Aspie. Funny thing is, he is often nervous about big group settings and new situations. However, in familiar situations like his classroom, once he gets comfortable, he is OVERLY touchy-feely with his friends, and will hug/kiss friends without asking all the time. They pull away and he doesn't understand why. He told me he made a special new girl friend at school the other day, and when I asked him if they played together, he said, no, he just hugged and kissed her all day! I just cringed imagining the poor little girl and the possible conversation at her home that night! Cute (a little) at this age, but I know he has to learn other kids may not like it so much. We are trying to explain to him about 'asking' if he can hug/kiss. But the problem is if friends say 'no' he either tries anyway or gets mad that they say 'no'.
I've also told him if he needs a hug, maybe he should go ask his teacher for a hug. 'Teachers are good at giving hugs.'
I actually wonder if he is hugging/kissing to try to make up for some social language skills. He wants to communicate--I want to be your friend, I want to play on your level, I want to connect with you, but socially he struggles with that, and so he resorts to what he knows from family . . . hugging and kissing. I wonder if we will need extra help (OT) to get through the physical/social stuff. Actually, had a note from his teacher yesterday explaining he is annoying friends by intruding their physical space and bumping them when he stims. He doesn't understand why they are annoyed.

How does your son respond to social stories on this topic?



Bombaloo
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15 Mar 2012, 4:41 pm

Thanks angelgarden! We just wrote a social story called "I can save my kisses for home" so we will see if that helps. I also drew a concentric circle chart with Mom and Dad in the middle as OK to kiss and hug then friends in the next circle out as No kisses and Ask for hugs and people we don't know in the outside circle with Handshake or no touch. We'll keep working with those tools and I would be happy to hear any other ideas!



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15 Mar 2012, 4:45 pm

Does he see kissing on TV between friends and acquaintances? Does he see you kiss others besides your own children and your husband? Has he seen anyone kiss others outside their family?

This was very confusing for me because I could not understand why I wasn't allowed to kiss and others were. Now I realize there is some social rule about it and I have no idea when it's okay so I never do it. I think it has to do with reading social cues and since we have a hard time with them, we may also tend to mis read them.



momsparky
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15 Mar 2012, 4:57 pm

We had this in kindergarten and preschool! Turned out that one girl who was exposed to WAAAAY too much adult screen time had been engineering the whole thing, and DS just assumed it was an appropriate interaction.

We struggled with it for several years, until the girls finally started avoiding him. I had to tell him at one point that his girl friends didn't want to come over to our house because they were afraid of being kissed (even though it was kissing on the cheek, pretty innocent stuff, but somewhat uncomfortable.) This is usually a pragmatics issue; it was difficult in our case because all the evidence (from my son's perspective) was that kids actually interact this way and adults usually try to stop them (watch any given TV show with teens or tweens in it.) It took having the girls actually react strongly (which didn't happen until 3rd grade!) for him to get the message.

These days, he's mortified by the whole thing, and I have less worries about him than I do other boys his age. He's so horrified that he made his friend uncomfortable that he's rather inclined in the other direction now.



Bombaloo
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16 Mar 2012, 6:43 pm

He doesnn't see much kissing on TV at all. Like when we're watching Star Wars Episode II the boys both insist that we fast forward through the mushy parts. He sees me and my husband kiss each other and we both kiss him, his older brother won't really tolerate any kisses form Mom or Dad anymore.

There are one or two girls in his class who probably encourage this behavior but the others have quite adamantly resisted/avoided him. I guess we need to work on their part in it as well as DS's part.



TheBookworm
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16 Mar 2012, 8:27 pm

:lol: I did that when I was little too! But, it was only to one guy :oops: I was in primary and I would chase the poor kid around. I did stop of course. Your story and chart sound like a great idea. Good luck. :salut:



angelgarden
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16 Mar 2012, 8:37 pm

Bombaloo I like your story idea..using circles and pictures. That may work for us too. I just forget how visual my son is.

As far as where he gets it from, he watches little else besides Cars and CBeebies (British kids channel). We are very affectionate with him...but again I think it comes down to being physical when he can't verbally express. And as Leaguegirl said, not understanding all the social rules because honestly in kid minds the rules don't always make sense. The other day he said he loved everyone he knows and wants to marry them all.



Bombaloo
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16 Mar 2012, 11:05 pm

angelgarden wrote:
The other day he said he loved everyone he knows and wants to marry them all.

That is sooo sweet! Gotta love that innocent enthusiasm!