My son is ashamed of his Asperger's diagnosis...

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...and I don't know how to help him. He was diagnosed in the 3rd grade and is now in the 8th. We are lucky to live in a school district with an amazing special education program, part of which is a class designed specifically for Aspies. He has been in the program since his diagnosis and his social skills have developed remarkably well as a result. There are still meltdowns, and they are still pretty severe, but they had been a great deal less frequent until he hit the super-fun teenage years. As his body is changing and he is becoming, shall we say...curious, he is experiencing more difficulty in keeping his emotions under control with the coping mechanisms he has learned in the last 5 years. As a single mother of a teenage boy, I've had to initiate some discussions that were, to say the least, uncomfortable for both of us. At some point in each of these discussions, regardless of the topic, he tells me that he hates being autistic, hates having Asperger's. He actually won't even say the words "autism" or "Asperger's" out loud...he either whispers them or will say something like "my...you know." I've explained so many times that it's nothing bad - that being an Aspie is part of what makes him so creative and awesome, that he is able to see the world in ways that most people can't. At the same time, though, I understand that he's at the age where he just wants to be like everyone else. At school, he is mainstreamed into most of his classes and participates in men's choir and theatre arts. He has done well in both classes, especially choir, which is a HUGE deal since he has to handle being in large, often noisy groups that are not as heavily structured as his other classes. I've tried so many different ways to help him feel better about himself, but I don't know what else to do. If any other parents have suggestions, I would love to hear them...I'm lost on this one.

I would tell him that he defines himself to others. I once had a classmate who was literally a genius, and was horribly embarrassed about it, because, let's face it, most people aren't, and he desperately wanted to be seen as equal amongst his peers. Subsequently, he did not walk around defining himself to others as a genius. He never once introduced himself to another person as one who had superior intelligence to them, nor explicitly mentioned that he had superior intelligence. It was just an aspect of himself, he did not let it dictate his life.

Well, cannot know but maybe somewhat normal for any teenager, to some degree. However, it is regrettable he's ashamed/embarrassed & you seem to have done all the right things about boosting him up......I have an idea though. I am not a parent, so apologies that I'm posting here but I think your querry is very pertinent to others too.

Could you tell him, & show him too, about some well know historical figures who are known to have been 'on the spectrum'? For ex. A. Einstein, Tesla, etc. Or more modern ones, like the rock musician from the Vines, etc. And others too, maybe telling him they too had difficulties. Or, maybe another better idea - Could he have a mentor? For example, an adult male Aspie that is successful who might want to do activities with him and sharing experiences. He might like John Elder Robison's latest book, Be Different: Adventures of a Free-Range Aspergian. John is really great (& he's a WP member)! Then, at this time, maybe just need to mention the 'A' word and instead let him develop himself and his own interests. Maybe then he'll come around.

This may seem silly, but I just read an interview with a now-famous actress/model (& I really am not much impressed by most models) but she said in high school she was so terribly ashamed of her red hair and being super-tall & skinny and she was teased endlessly and called names. Yeah, well, now they're not teasing her anymore

Is it possible too that he'd like to join the Wrong Planet, just to meet others? Anyway, all the best and it will work out. If it's any consolation, I know really well what it's like to be bullied about being different and how badly it hurts - do not ever let anybody critize him in this way. It's very hard to hold one's head up in this world when no one is really like you, I know. And you can tell your son I said so


Oh, how remiss! And you welcome to the Wrong Planet! Good you've come

Welcome to WP!

I don't think most of us want to be Aspies, or Autistic. There's also a stigma to the label that I'm sure a teenager would find particularly uncomfortable. All I can say is that you are how you define yourself. So you're and Aspie, not such a big deal. Everyone in the teen years has challenges as they mature and change. Just go out and live your life.

I agree about having him read some books (or articles) on "famous" Autistics. Also, you will find WP can be a real great resource for the both of you.

Thanks for the welcome.

I would *love* to have him read articles/books, but it's like pulling teeth to get him to read anything except manga or the Wimpy Kid series. I'll definitely talk to him about joining WP...he has a YouTube channel (braxtoncomix, if anyone wants to check it out - he loves getting new subscribers!) and has made several online friends with whom he chats regularly, so this would be a good place for him to get some support as well.

Not long after his diagnosis, a good friend of mine gave me John Elder Robison's book "Look Me In the Eyes," and I learned so much. It really opened my eyes, so to speak, and has been so valuable to me. The movie about Temple Grandin, as well as the movie "Adam" helped a lot, too...even though "Adam" is fictional, I saw so much of my son in the character. I'll absolutely start conversations with him about others on the spectrum...hopefully that will help as well.

Thanks for the suggestions - I really appreciate them.

I have no idea what to tell you that might work, but I totally get where your son is coming from I don't like having things so different about me that call unwanted, negative attention to me. It makes people judge me before they get the chance to know me. I was always taller than everyone, even some teachers. It's not ok for a girl to be so tall, and even more not ok for a weird girl. But, you know, it is what it is. We all have things about ourselves that we might like to be different, but we can't do anything about most of them. We just move along and do the best we can. He's kinda got to figure this out on his own.

It might be strange if he didn't hate it.

My mother never knew anything about autism and things might have been much worse if she had. Once, a teacher recommended my youngest brother go to speech therapy because he mispronounced his l's. Yellow, Lucky Charms were yeddow, Yucky Charms. Mom freaked out and revolted, pushing us older sibs to go around the house singing La,la,la,la, lucky charms, or some other l-word concoction. She would have none of her kids put in a special ed class. "You may just as well stamp "ret*d" on his head." It must have been like speech therapy boot camp hazing for my little brother. I can't think what she might come up with to cure autism.

She knew something was up with me, but figured I was simply a girl too smart for her own britches - who refused to learn her "place." However, to her credit, she would often try to get me to focus on the other person's position. How did I think they felt? Why did they do that? I think it helped some, but really, your son is lucky to have you, and his label. Too bad he lacks my perspective... hahahaha! You're a good mommy.

Talked to him after school today...told him about WP and that I wanted him to read some of the articles/discussions and try to join in, but he's resistant. I'm going to keep trying, though, because I think it will be really good for him to know that he isn't alone.

Unduki...without knowing how old your mom is, I can almost understand her reticence to place your brother in speech therapy or special ed. I'm 35, and when I was in school, being in a special ed program was almost a kiss of death socially. I don't remember ever seeing any of those students at school, even at lunchtime or in PE. I had similar concerns when my son went into the program. I was so afraid that he would be ostracized by all of the "normal" kids, but I realized that he would get the help he needed. Thankfully, at least in our district, special ed has changed so much over the years. Right after diagnosis, the kids are in the program almost exclusively, but the ultimate goal is to mainstream them as much as possible. Often, it starts with one out-class...maybe resource reading or art, depending on their abilities...and grows until their dependence on the TLC classroom (Total Learning Communication) is diminished. The kids are still in the TLC class a few times a day, and if one of their mainstream classes gets to be too much (too noisy, too visually stimulating, whatever), they can take their work back to the TLC classroom to finish. I have been so happy with the ways in which the school district and his teachers/counselors/principals have worked to get him and the other children socialized. They still have problems, of course, but I know of other districts where their autistic students are essentially shut off from everyone else and there are few, if any, expectations for any kind of social improvement, and I think it's absolutely shameful.

One of the interesting things about him is that he doesn't like to draw attention to himself, but he tends to be more of a leader. As an example, his theatre arts teacher has told me that he comes up with lots of ideas for the skits that they do in class. His primary "obsessions" are Bakugan, Beyblade and Yu-Gi-Oh!, and he organizes battles and trades with the other guys in his class. Sometimes, he'll even use his own money to buy one of his friends a certain Bey or card that he knows they "desperately need." Uduki, I wish your mother had been more understanding, although I applaud her teaching you how to think of they way other people might be feeling. My son is really empathetic, but still has problems reading subtle facial expressions and vocal clues (but he has mastered sarcasm---woohoo!!). Hopefully, I can get him to spend some time on WP and he can gain the perspective that you have.

I am not a parent but know that most aspies do hate being aspie.
You just has to accept it at least for the teenage years.

I am 27 and ashamed of my aspergers. It's a common thing and will probably never go away.

Society does a wonderful job at making us feel like outsiders. Especially in the teenage years.
I was diagnosed at 16 and did not accept that I was an aspie until I was 21. Maybe it's the teenage years?

Knowing that you will probably never fit in to society is disturbing. Why would anyone be proud to be an aspie? That would be a bit useless since we have no choice.

Just be optimistic for the future and wait until the teenage years are over. School can be hell. Just be lucky that his school has a good special education system.
My school couldn't care less that I was an aspie and probably would have executed me if it were legal.

Tell him Aspies are real life X-Men!