AS traits of NT parents, particularly regarding friendship

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If you are an NT parent, what AS traits do you see in yourself?

For me, it has been a lifelong struggle to make close friends. As far as I can tell, I seem to fit in well enough and handle small talk ok, but rarely seem to get beyond the level of casual acquaintance. For instance, I joined a playgroup when DS was 3 months old, we met weekly for the first 3 years, and now the kids are in kindergarten the core of the group still meets 3-4 times a year. The group was at one time as large as 30, but now is about 12. I have seen smaller subgroups emerge, and several women form very close friendships (where they meet often and babysit each others kids), but I am always on the periphery.

It's not just this group, this has happened over and over to me over the course of the last 40 years. I tried rushing sorority in college and was not asked to join any of the sororities (the way it was set up there was in theory a slot for everyone who rushed, so some sorority didn't meet their quota rather than take me.) My roommates and suitemates never became close friends. After college I joined an active Sierra Club group for singles and found some friends who went rollerblading weekly. Although I occasionally still see those people, it's a once or twice a year thing, not a deep ongoing connection. (I did, however, manage to meet and marry my husband because of the club!) I worked at the same company for 5 years and although I was well regarded and went out to lunch frequently, I never became personally close to any of my coworkers. (This may have more to do with being a female engineer working mostly with men.)

I have tried to set up recurring playdates for DS (outside of the playgroup, through preschool, social skills class, or school), and sometimes it works out for a few months and then just fades away. I'd really like to make some friends among the other moms in his kindergarten class, but between DS's issues and my own tendencies it seems it will be a difficult struggle.

Does anyone else experience similar struggles, or have advice for me?

I also have these same issues but it doesn't bother me much most of the time. I am more of a loner and am content to be on the periphery. I find people think of me as somewhat intimidating-I have been told I am brusque and terse. While these statements somewhat "hurt my feelings" and I have a hard time seeing myself in that way i have grown accustomed to being an outsider. I do think in that regard I have "as traits" but in my own mind I can construe social overtures acurately. I have one close friend who "gets me" and I get along fine with her but she forgives my bluntness and analytical ways.

I find that to be a part of a group, such as with other school moms, you have to enjoy the things they enjoy such as pop culture which I do not find enjoyable or interesting. Sometimes I can connect with a mom about a current book we are both reading, or sharing book suggestions but I also find that my daughter's issues tend to alienate other moms. They seem afraid to talk to me for fearing of saying something "wrong" or something but maybe I am just reading more into their standoffishness than what is really there.

Sorry I am not not more help other than letting you know you are not the only one.

My husband and I are both NT's and my oldest son is too. In our case our daughter has AS. Funny you talk about being an engineer I am an Engineering Technologist and my husband is a Mechanical Engineer. Just a thought, but I also have trouble making parent friends in playgroups and rarely get beyond small talk. I usually assume it is because I have nothing in common with the other parents. Playgroups are somewhat like high school in that there are people from all kinds forced together often with little in common. My friends have come through work (there were actually a lot of women engineers and technologist at my jobs) and through sports. I don't seem to make friends with more traditional type women and never have. And I have maybe one or two good friends with kids who get leaned on for playdates.

AS traits I have well I can`t sequence very well. If I do anything it always is broken down into small steps. In school I had incredible notes of incredible detail. On some jobs, when in the field, I would carry around Que cards with all the details of different aspects of the jobs. I would pull out the correct card when needed and follow the steps written on it. I don`t think anybody ever noticed I had them. But with the Que cards I rarely made mistakes. Some professions use them anyway pilots use checklists before takeoff and some surgeons do in the operating room (step 1 do we have the correct patient).

Last edited by Gnomey on 05 Jan 2012, 1:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

You know, I have the feeling that if they had been diagnosing AS back in the 70's/80's I'd have gotten that label.

I've always preferred to do things alone and never really had close friends till high school when I met some people with similar interests. These days I find it easier to communicate with people online. In fact, I prefer it. I would rather have someone send me an email than call me on the phone.

When I was little I had huge social anxiety that I only started to get over at around 13 or so.

Even when I got older and started going to parties, etc, I was always the guy standing in the back nursing a beer, taking everything in.

Also, I've always had limited/obsessive interets...I still like a lot of the things I loved as a kid like dinosaurs, astronomy, and Transformers.

I think I tend to talk in a too-loud voice if I'm getting excieted, without really realizing it.

At a job I need to have specific step-by-step instructions or I get lost/confused. I actually prefer jobs that are repetitive that most would find boring. I'd never be able to make it in a super-social job like sales.

This is a great question, one I have been thinking about lately.

I am definitely more NT than AS, but I do have some traits.

I am more NT socially as I get along with just about anybody, am good at reading body language, and many people call me friend. However, in late elementary and Jr. high school I really struggled with making friends and had to learn to focus outward instead of inward. Even now, while I have great people skills most of the time, when I get absorbed in my own thoughts/interests I get too loud or don't pay attention to what others are saying.

I have always been called a "nerd" who was interested in reading, animals, and science.

I am a visual learner, and probably have auditory processing problems making it difficult for me to engage in crowds or when there is a lot of background noise. I also tend to focus on the detail first and the big picture second. I love puzzles and patterns, and used to line things up, sort toys, and straighten the shelves at the store.

I had meltdowns up to age 11 or 12 (particularly in 4th, 5th and 6th grade) and can remember the feeling of no control and complete frustration.

I get obsessive interests. the first one I can remember was animals and veterinary medicine. I loved to look at photos of anatomy. The second was the paranormal. I read every book I could find in the library. Then I became interested in physical therapy and becoming a physical therapist. Then it was multiple personality disorder. Then it was writing science curriculum for middle school. Whenever there is something stressful in my life, I feel obsessed to find as much info as I can about it. When I was pregnant, when I had surgery, and now that my child is dx with AS, I sought out every parcel of information as an anxiety relief. I also feel the need to seek out the answers to questions. Thank goodness for the internet. Interestingly though, my obsessions almost always involve people.

This has always been an issue for me. At school, I always had friends, but I never had one of those long term best friends. If I think of myself at different ages, my best friend has been a different person every few years or so. I've only known my current best friend for about 3 or 4 years (this one's a keeper and she says I'm just like a sister, so I think it's going to last). I attended toddler goups when my daughter was younger and made a few acquaintances. But, nobody made any effort to invite me to stuff outside of the groups. I see some of them quite often (on way to school, at after school clubs, etc) and have found some, who didn't appear that friendly then, have made connections and meet up for coffee, etc. One of them I speak to a lot, but she has never suggested a meet up. She has a lot of friends (appears to collect people) and I wonder what it is about me that has made her decide I'm not fit to pursue friendship with, when we seem to have quite good conversations and she doesn't seem to be picky. But, I don't like to have too many friends, so I'm happy with what I have.

Anyway, since my daughter started on the assessment process, I've realised that I have a lot of traits. I really had no idea about ASDs (I thought I did) until about a year ago. I'm probably more AS than NT, although there could be ADHD too, I'm not sure. I'm highly sensitive and good at reading people and I've read posts from many people diagnosed with AS who claim the same thing, so I definitely wouldn't say that this was a tick for the NT box. I was bullied at school and was very shy for 25 years. My progress in life has been stunted by severe social anxiety - I even left uni prior to the honours years due to it. I've always had sensory issues (clothing tags, sunlight, etc) and I never realised there might be a connection between these physical things and my personality. I also have weird discrepancies in my abilities (got degree without studying, but can't speak on a phone or drive). I actually thought my husband was more Aspie-ish than me (he does have traits and is an engineer), but now that I've read so much about it, I've changed my mind.

If and when my daughter's gets a diagnosis, maybe I will pursue it for myself.

I've always been a loner. I had a few close friends during my school years, and they were loners like I was. I felt socially capable with them, but the popular socialite kids and I just never clicked. I think it was a case of their extroversion and my introversion clashing at first sight. I thought I wanted to be in with the cool kids, until my sister got her socialite wings and became one of them. I soon recognized that it wasn't the crowd for me, and that I was more comfortable with a few close friends.

I too had obsessive interests. I remember my father telling me once when I was a teen, "when you get interested in something, you really dive into it." I hadn't thought it was a big deal, but he seemed to think it was.

As I said in my first post here, I wondered if I had AS. It's a possibility, but I'm probably more NT than AS.

I always struggled being social. Since 5th grade other girls didn't want to be my friends and when I was a teen I always did something wrong. I knew that something in my behaviour was wrong, but I didn't know what, I only felt hated by my classmates. I had outstanding academics and for this reason no one tought that I could have a problem. Teachers were often rude for reasons that I couldn't explain. It occurred that a guy who wanted to date me phoned me in the evening but pretended he didn't know me at school. Sometimes I was told I was aloof.
Teen years were the worst in my life.
Then I studied Economics an then, when I was 23, my father purchased a personal computer. My family wasn't used to technology... It was a turning point because IT became my main interest.
I was lucky to use my interest to find a job in IT field, and today I deal with information systems for finance.
My job helped me socially because I'm accepted as I am and I forget social anxiety I have in other situations. I also often succeed in sales because I don't try to be the social butterfly I am not. I explain my solution with few and clear words and it often works.
Do I have AS? Probably yes.
What should happen if I was diagnosed? No one shuold believe me I think. I'm considered a few-words woman ann nothing more.