Incoming Baby

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Hi everyone! MY DH and I are expecting a baby soon, and I've been worrying a little over his or her future safety. I have a wonderful 8 year old stepson with autism who is not great with small animals and children. He has a tendency to squeeze, headbutt, and tackle babies and small dogs.

It's very important to me that SS feels included and loved so I don't want to just keep the two apart, but I keep having these awful "Of Mice and Men" (you know the part I'm talking about) nightmares that shake me to the bone. How have you guys handled this? His HAB provider recommended taking him around a lot of infants and seeing how he does, but frankly I don't think that's a great idea.

He is unfortunately very behind in receptive and expressive communication so just talking to him is out of the question.

Any suggestions?

Congratulations!

As far as contact between your stepson and the baby goes, I think you are going to have to be hyper vigilant to ensure that he can't harm the baby. You already know what is likely to happen going by his past behaviours and I agree that letting him spend time with babies is not a good idea.

It's not going to be at all easy, but you'll have to be personally and domestically organised so that he cannot get free access to the baby, especially when you or your husband are busy getting feeds etc organised. So, for example, making sure when you need to change the baby that everything you need is right at hand before you start, so that you don't have to turn your back partway through to get something. An 8 year old can be pretty big and agile, so you'll need to see what options are best as far as cots, cribs, playpens and stair gates are concerned.

So that your stepson doesn't feel excluded, think about what he can do to help you with the baby that doesn't include potential for harm. Maybe he could help by fetching things, singing to the baby, or by "entertaining" the baby in some way that he will enjoy and feel valued for.

Your health visitor, or similar, may have good suggestions for you as it's not uncommon for older siblings to be jealous of new babies to the point of potentially posing a risk to them.

Good luck and I hope it all goes well for all of you.

Thank you, everyone, for the wonderful advice. I'm feeling better about this whole thing. Now my main concern is how I will ever get any sleep! I guess I'll figure that one out later.

Congratulations!

I think that you should start talking with him now about rules concerning the baby. That he doesn't touch the baby unless you or your husband are there, and you say ok. Explain how fragile babies are and that he could hurt a baby without meaning to.

Explain in advance about how much he may want to pick her up, because babies have that effect on people. Also tell him that he may end up not liking the baby for a while, and that's ok too. Make sure he's prepared for all the noise and smells and disruptions, and let him know that you will always do what you can to help make things easier on him, but that having a new baby makes things hard on everyone for a while.

I would also suggest buying him one of those very real looking dolls. The lifesize newborn ones. Let him know that when he has an urge to hold or play with the baby at a time that you can't supervise him, that he can hold the doll. Also, let him know that when he gets angry with the baby, he can do to the doll what he wants to do to the baby.

I know your attention will be taken up by the new baby a lot, but just as with any older child, try and make special time together. Include him as much as you can in the baby's care, and as much as he's interested. Give him special toys to play with her with and make them something that only he can do. Also, if possible, schedule an outing just you and him at least once a week. It's more important than ever to make one on one time with a child when you have a new child around.

I have four, and my oldest was four when his first sibling was born. He scared us to death her very first day by going into the bedroom and picking her up and he walked into the kitchen with her! We hadn't thought to tell him not to do it. After that, the rule was that he could hold her, but only on the couch and only when one of us was around. Eighteen months later I had another baby, then seventeen months later I had my youngest. After that, my husband got a vasectomy. My kids were always fascinated by the new baby, and wanted to play with them, but sometimes they hated their younger siblings with every fiber of their being.

I couldn't be in the same room constantly, so when one of mine was a small baby, I brought one of those car seats with the carry handle in the house and took them from room to room with me, or took the older child(ren).

Good luck, and again, congratulations!

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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http://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-Play ... 12&sr=8-25

I used a seat like this with my younger son sometimes when I needed to take a bath or be in my home office and didn't want to leave my younger son alone with my older son with classic autism.

I would also sit my older son in the same seat without the toy attachment to watch educational videos on TV when he was little--alphabet videos, babybumblebee (videos for autistic babies and toddlers), Baby Einstein (some of the later videos are educational), etc.

I would also keep a playpen in the livingroom, so when I put the baby down for a nap, I could put them in there. My babies slept in the bed with me at night, so the playpen was perfect for naptime. Sometimes I'd let them sleep in the seat, but usually it was in the playpen for nap. And yes, back then we slept them on their stomachs.

Also, buying the older child something special for his room is a good idea. The baby is getting a bed and all kinds of things, so maybe new sheets that he picks out for his bed, or something to spruce it up would be good. They can be the baby's gift to him.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

One thing that it might help to remember is that all older siblings need rules and supervision when a new baby arrives, so people with more than one child will have lots of suggestions.
Like others, I always slept with my babies (including twins on either side of me). During the day I wore the baby in a snugli or sling much of the time. This helps to protect the baby but also to keep your hands free to do things with the older child. I found it helped to be very busy (lots of walks, trips to the park, whatever the older one liked to do) so I think the older ones actually had more fun time with me when there was a new baby around!
I also made sure that the older kids had their own baby-free space to play when the babies got to the crawling stage or started getting into their things. The older children had a choice of playing with baby toys with the baby in the room I was in or their own stuff. Their special stuff was in their room, but they also had the privilege of being alone in the kitchen or other rooms which weren't safe for the baby. They seemed to like having more free reign over the house rather than being restricted to their room, although I know my aspies were happy in their rooms.
J.

My #1 suggestion is to never leave him alone with the baby. By alone I mean him and the baby in the same room for any more than 3 minutes, even if you are just in the next room or upstairs. This will be a very stressful time for your ASD child and he most likely will not react well to having the baby in the house. Change is very hard for ASD children and this is a huge change. It is going to be very difficult for him. I suggest that one parent be dedicated to the baby mostly and one dedicated to the ASD child. The ASD child will need a lot of one on one attention and support during this time. I went through all this with my son. I had his brother when my ASD child was almost 9 years old. I found he was not being very nice when I left the room for a few minutes. He wished his brother would have never been born, although he did love him. He would say things to me 'wouldn't life be easier without him (the baby)? Don't you wish you could just not have had him? I wish he was never born. Can't you just give him some medication to make him pass out?' When I would leave them alone in the room (say to go downstairs and put laundry in) my ASD son would SCREAM in his face. He hit the baby in the head w/ a game controller once.