Any Help out there?

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My son is 14 years old and has been diagnosed with Asperger's since the age of 10.

The last few months have been terrible! He has been expelled from a private school. We were forced to homeschool (which has proven to be horrible). He has consistanly grown more and more verbaly abusive during this time. He see's a therapist, has a counsoler and we work with him daily on this.

I am at the end of my rope!! !! !! ! He tells his father and I how much he hates us and why he can't stand us and that we are idiots. That he wishes he had another family, that he hates his sister, ECT........

He is extreamly disrespectful. I have tried not to let his words hurt me, but find myself so hurt to the point of not really liking him. I LOVE my son more than anything in this world, but I just don't know how to not let his words affect me.

Does anyone have any experience with this? How do you handle your emotions?

Any response would be greatly appreciated.

Thx

Hi, Momma - I'm so sorry to read you're having a difficult time. We struggle with disrespectful language, too - I know my son can't really help it, but it doesn't make it hurt less. I try to remember that it's an automatic response and isn't as personal as it sounds.

I would suggest a couple of things - one of our members has written a free e-book, here http://www.asdstuff.com and I've tried to compile some common posts on this board big-picture categories for easy review here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt166142.html

It took us what seemed like forever to get appropriate help and a diagnosis that made sense for our son. One of the things we discovered was that he had a pragmatic speech deficit http://www.asha.org/public/speech/devel ... matics.htm This was driving a lot of his negative behavior, because he was only understanding and communicating about 70% of what was actually meant. He was very, very frustrated and that came out in violent behavior. Speech therapy and social skills classes have helped an awful lot.

Other things that can cause kids on the spectrum to act out: sensory issues - they may feel constantly irritated by their clothes, the lighting, the noises in the house. Posters here describe these issues as being like constant, physical pain and they often cause meltdowns.

"Theory of mind" issues - an inability to understand that everyone doesn't think exactly the same thoughts or in the same way that you do. My son frequently gets annoyed because he does things without asking on the assumption that we know what he's thinking.

Rigidity: difficulty transitioning from task to task, difficulty with schedule changes, difficulty focusing on subjects outside their special interest. This was a big one for us, DS would freak out if something unexpected happened. We've learned to try to explain changes to him ahead of time, and to explain that something is about to change and he's going to feel "weird" about it.

I hope all this helps you - I guess what you really need is another Mom saying - HUGS -

You aren't such a hard space right now. It is really hard when are babies are mean to us.

We started home schooling, not by choice but because our son was just not okay in school. He was having violent region meltdowns, breaking windows, running from school into traffic, not okay.

Once we brought him home, it was really hard to find a way to get him to do school. What I found many people say in the homeschool community, was that it takes about one month of not doing anything for each year they were in school, before you will find your rhythm. They call this, deschooling, you really placed no demands on your child. I was so worried about keeping up with grade level, this was a real stretch for my mind.

Anyway, we have relaxed quite a bit since that time. We have found that allowing our child to just settle in and work on things that interest him, has been very effective. I am no longer willing to struggle. I had a tutor trying to get my ds to write an essay, and he just didn't want to. I offered him the option of producing a news video which would require scripting research filming production and postproduction. A lot more work than an essay. He jumped at this opportunity and did an outrageous great job!

I'm still struggling with how to get him to do work. But I remind myself, that school would not be better. If he's rebelling and reacting at home, that rebelling and reacting at school with take different forms. As they get older violence, drug abuse , running away are all very real concerns.

When your son isn't mad (in that moment), what does he say he so mad about? Are there underlying issues you can fix? If he's really mad about the school work, tell him to just not do it then. See what that looks like. Can you imagine, just letting go of whatever the power struggles are?

Good luck and hugs, we're with you.