Help! Moms of adolescent daughters...

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Well sorry for bringing up that sometimes the way a parent approaches things might need room for improvement. I was not trying to say you should not be angry when she mis-behaves that's ridiculous.....but even so it is a fact that angry yelling and empty threats typically do not help matters.

Other then that the only suggestion I have is maybe getting her into therapy, maybe a therapist could help her handle things a bit better...also at the age of 11 the idea of womanhood might be scary to her so that might explain why she melts down any time you bring it up.

But I won't try to help further as I don't want to offend.

I forgot to ask, does she have any interest in boys?

--At this age, just the fact that you are her mother may cause her to be objectionable, rebellious, and generally disinterested in anything you say. The same advice from a not-her-mother person might be taken better.

Oh yes, I realize that. And every other female I know has tried to talk to her about it...my mom, her teacher, the school nurse, her babysitter. Again, she just blows up immediately upon bringing up the subject, no matter who it is that's trying to talk to her. Same thing happened even before she started having periods. I could tell they were imminent due to her body changes but she wouldn't listen to anyone.

--Also, you may want to mention to the school nurse or social worker that this is an issue you are working on.

They are aware of this already. I told them what was happening the first time it happened.

--After an adjustment period of a few months during the summer before 8th grade, I was mostly OK with periods.

I hope this happens for her

--But I won't try to help further as I don't want to offend.

I'm not *offended*, really. Just wanted to clarify what I was doing. I have been an internet user since the mid 90's and I know how quickly things can degrade when talking about potentially controversial subjects. This is an imperfect medium because you can't see the person or hear the tone in which they speak and it's easy to misconstrue things. So let's think of something more pleasant, like or

Have a lovely Sunday everyone

*Edited to add...no, she doesn't show interest in boys at this point. She gets along with them as friends though.

Well I am not even ASD and I HATE pads. The plastic layer makes me feel sweaty and gross. I have always hated them. I would say if you are afraid of leaving something in too long, I would throw my vote in for reusable pads. Made of cotton or flannel you can even sew them at home yourself. You just throw them in the wash like cloth diapers.

OK - Having a 12 year old boy who has certain hygine habits that are problimatic, here's what I would do:

Say - This is now a rule:

If I find bloody clothes anywhere other than soaking in bleach in the laundryroom sink (or however you would want her to handle a mess) - you will face xx consequence. There are many ways you can solve this problem, but it is clear to me that you want to manage it on your own. I won't bug you but I will enforce the rule. If you want help or need me to buy you something that you think would help, please ask me. If you are too embarassed, you can write me or text me. I love you and am proud that you are growing up. You can do this!

Other posters have said this but the soft, quiet and hide-able cloth pads are probably your best bet.
Go to a good health food store for toothpaste that doesn't taste like overpowering weird chemical flavors. Buy three kinds. Let her choose. Let her know that her favorite food " x " will come back into the house after she has been brushing regularly for a week or so. Remind her gently that bacteria which grows in our mouth and teeth will eventually circulate to the heart muscle if it gets very bad in the mouth.

My daughter is 19 and holy cr-p am I glad we're done and through all that.
Best of luck.

I agree with so much that has been said. For any female with sensory issues, this is a difficult thing to deal with.

I did want to add that if you stick with a disposable option, to make sure you have a bathroom garbage can, especially if you can tell she has embarrassment issues with puberty. My family did not have this, and it was horrible. I hated having to walk from the bathroom into the general kitchen area (where the trash was) with a big ball of wadded up, toilet paper covered, grossness where everyone including male family members would surmise what I was disposing. Ewww.

Also, you may have already tried this, but write her a note (less embarrassing) with what your expectations are. Step by step, even if you need to, and it won't come off as condescending and let her know you understand she is embarrassed and that you respect that. Write that you understand it is uncomfortable and gross to deal with. Then let her know that if she complies with what you are asking that means you won't have to discuss it with her, and she won't have to endure the uncomfortable conversations. Then remind her that if she does not comply, even, though it is uncomfortable, you will have to approach her again with this, because it is a sanitary, hygiene thing and it is important to her health (bacteria etc) and not just an issue of grossness.

This probably won't work on it's own but it might help tilt the balance on your side if she understands that she has the power to make the uncomfortable conversations go away.

My older aspie, even though she had an older sister to model bathing and fixing her hair, changing clothes and brushing teeth, she would do none of these things. Even other kids bullying her....I did the same. I still to this day hate taking showers, I prefer baths but because of my bone disease I can not....so I only take like one or two showers a week, I just do sponge baths, and my husband has to help me. Not only do I have my sensory issues but now Im petrified that Im going to fall and break my leg or hip, or something worse. Even with my husband holding me and me gripping the sink I basically scream "dont let me fall, dont let me fall"....We cant find things to put in the bottom of the tub so I wont be afraid of slipping....anyway enough about me.

Your daughter might get over this like my daughter did....now she puts on her make up, and even wants to be a makeup artist.....I suffered through letting her put makeup on me once even though I have serious sensory issues with my eyes and my face and was basically crying by the time she was done. She also has to wear name brand clothes (she is 19 now) but there are still times when she will let herself go and not wash her hair for a few days but that is mainly when she is not feeling well.....she has POTS syndrome.

Both my daughters hated wearing pads and they both used tampons which I should think would be hard for a virgin. Some girls still have their hymen. I know I got the small thin ones for my daughters when they were younger but I have always hated tampons and would rather wear a big huge bulky pad . I actually had a condition where I bled so heavy that when my now 19 year old was in pull ups I would tear the sides out and use them as a pad.

I used to be a phlebotomist and when I would get blood on my scrubs I would use hydrogen peroxide to get it out....you may try getting a big bottle of that and soaking her underwear in that but they will eventually fall apart. What about going to a cloth diaper site and buying what they call diaper doublers or soakers and sewing them into her underwear....and call them her special underwear for her period...that way it wont move around or stick to her skin. You will still have to wash them but maybe she will be able to graduate to pads. I use the incontinent pads (small ones) on my 6 year old daughter because the stress of her school is making her wet herself again. Its not enough to put her back in diapers and she tends to be allergic to disposable diapers and pull ups. They kind of curl so that they stay in place and do not stick to her skin, you might try those as well.....right now Im hoping my daughter is not allergic to these things, so far so good. Also someone mentioned that wiping is not a big deal....it is if you dont wipe poo. If you get poo on your underwear you can get e-coli in your urinary tract. E-coli lives happily in your intestines but if it gets in your urinary tract you will get an infection. This is why I worry about my little one right now, she has already had to e-coli UTI's due to the stupid aide not wiping her even though I send flushable wipies....my husband gave her the pads and wipes today and expressed how IMPORTANT this is.

For the tooth brushing thing....you might try giving her a finger brush (they mainly make them for babies) and some kids toothpaste. We had this problem with my youngest and we finally found some toothpaste that she likes...unfortunately they only sell it in France where we live now....just get a few small tubes...the rubber finger brushers got my daughter over the whole sensory issue with brushing also which could also be the problem. You may also try taking your daughter to bath and body or someplace like that, that sells good smelling soap and letting her pick out what she wants and maybe take her for a pedicure...show her that it can be fun. Found this on Amazon for you http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004SI ... B004SIAEYC
Also saw this and thought it might be something you may want http://www.amazon.com/Behaviors-Childre ... =8-1-spell

Tampons are not giant torpedos darlings. They do not "bother" virgins. Tampons are only about as big around as a woman's ring finger.

Sorry I didn't notice the double post the other day.

Last edited by MorbidMiss on 02 Mar 2012, 10:39 am, edited 2 times in total.

Hi,

I haven't read all the replies so I apologise it I am repeating any suggestions but have you considered putting her on the pill - she may be too young, I have no idea but could be worth having a chat with a GP or as some have said, trying different pads and see if that makes a difference

Good Luck

True but if you're inexperienced with where they go they can be ridiculously uncomfortable and frustrating. There is also the previously raised issue of demonstrating this to a modest young girl.
From mine and my sisters unfortunate early mense I can tell you near certain that biological wash powed and 30C washes will get rid of blood, dried or not. If there is issues with bio wash powder you can re-wash/rinse them with non bio after. Whatever the cost of undies and trousers, getting new bed sheets each month is too expensive.
For my ASD sis, we used to put the pads onto her undies (all of them all the time) before giving them to her to put away in her drawers. It seems a bit extreme but she just got used to idea and started using them as she should after a while (from a similar 'i don't like this and am getting really angery about it' to 'fine, this is what i do'. Unfortunatly, this requires time and it often feels like we have none of that left).
So far as other problems, you mentioned bras. Same with my sis, she didn't like the new demand and was very shy about her body changes. The clasps were also too difficult for her. My mam got her a load of sports bras (very stretchy and colourful) that didn't have clasps or were able to be put on without unclasping. Now they have become yet another item of clothing she wants lots of and has tons of different colours.
You mentioned you have problems with hair brushing too. Solution for my sis is a very short hair cut. Solution for me when i was a horrible (my mam had to sneak up on me with a hiar brush because if I saw it I would immediately start screaming) was loads of leave in conditioner and a role model (a peer rather than anyone older).
May I ask, with the menses, have you talked to her about this outside of the time when its happening? The cramps and discomfort associated with the time (not to mention the hormones) can put women of all ages over the edge. Im a (relatively) confident young woman and I still blush when buying pads but only when I need them, never when I don't.
Hope this helped at all

Hi.....I am a mom of a teenager with Asperger's and I am a Spec Ed Teacher.....My DD has her menses and here is what we did:
1. I bought her American Girl books that talked about her period and puberty
2. We looked on You Tube for videos on puberty and how to use tampons. I know it sounds weird but there are videos on you tube where teenage girls simulate using tampons. They are not inappropriate at all and it really helped my daughter to see other girls talking about it.
3. Social Stories are a great tool when dealing with hygiene issues.
4. As for the toothpaste, I would buy all kinds and find one she likes. Toms makes a strawberry flavored one...even if it is kids toothpaste...it is better than using none.

Hope that helps
Char

Im 44, I think I know what a tampon is....do you know what a hymen is? Its is easy to rupture unless you have a very stretchy one and very few virgins still have them but some do, I lost mine to a fence that I was trying to walk on around 12, I used to joke that I lost my virginity to a fence . I was just pointing it out.

Anyway, my daughters prefer them (even when they were virgins) so I got them the thin ones, they didnt like the big ones and those were the ones I had to wear I bled so heavy so they did feel like a torpedo to me.

Also I hate being called "darling" if that was aimed at me. If you were a tall guy with a British accent then Id like it but I dont think you are and it appears to me, in this sentence, to be very condescending so I dont like it!

Does she have an allergy to pads I used to and still do it took a lot of looking before finding ones that didn't cause a rash or soreness. I hate tampons just the feeling made me uncomfortable, I find Always brand is the best but need to change regularly probably more often then most people if I don't or forget I get a redness and a rash. The Always brand soak the blood and are very slim still uncomfortable but can manage.

I can't offer any good advice really. My daughter is diagnosed with high functioning aspergers disorder. She was soooo dirty in grade school that when she came home I could tell what she'd eaten for lunch by the food on her clothes and her hands were black most days. Her teacher one day mentioned to her that she needed to wash the marker off her arms (she still writes on herself a lot, sometimes reminders because she's quite forgetful and other times she draws tattoos on herself), and mentioned she smelled. This was in a Montessori school and she'd had this teacher for over a year. Wow...was she devastated. I told her if she needed to talk to him about what he said (he'd said it in front of her classmates), I'd go with her, but she would be the one to say something to him. So she did. And at that point he talked to her a little about her hygiene. It didn't miraculously improve after that...but there was a part of me that decided to basically let her work out the hygiene issue, though even brushing teeth wasn't something that she did regularly. If I noticed it had been a week or more since the last shower, I'd remind her, but I didn't fight her about it. My daughter is ultra sensitive about the things people say about her...and so I think one day it just kicked in. This was probably 7th grade 11-12 when she started to get it about how hygiene effected the way people saw her. She's not in a seperate classroom though...she's mainstreamed which...I think is a blessing in disguise in this way. She gets a lot of opportunity to figure out how to blend. She wants to be social, and have some friends, so she's had to work out what the rules are. I remember when someone first told her her breath smelled. she came home and mentioned to me that I could remind her to brush because she forgets...she also forgets to bathe. But now she remembers to at least twice a week...and I have a feeling as she matures, it will get better. She uses deoderent and has even asked to buy perfume.

For a while between 9-10, she had to literally cut the knots out of her hair (she's biracial, and her hair is curly and tends to tangle easily if not cared for). I guess what I'm saying is this is the delicate age for girls. Don't badger her about it...menstruation is difficult enough...help her figure it out. Again, it might help if she had the "example" of some mainstreamed teen girls so she could see what should happen. I hope it gets better...it was right between 11-13 that things started to click better with her hygiene, so I hope that happens for her as well.

I think like eating, I provide the basics and kind of leave it to her because 1) she's really private....ridiculously so, so I also can't be looking over her shoulder every minutes and 2) she's 14...she's going to have to be motivated to do this for herself at some point. I bathed her and helped her with teeth when it was age appropriate to do so, and I shower regularly, so she knows that people should do that.

Maybe though one thing you might let her see is natural consequences. Wash those undies and pants, but don't toss them. Have her wear them and don't buy replacements unless, other than the stains, she needs replacements. It helps with my daughter if she understands the "price" of things. Otherwise, she just doesn't get that everything is not simply replaceable.

Bethanie