parental advice...

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I am coming to you for your opinion. As parents of children with Aspergers, I would love to know if you think my son may have this as well. I am not looking for an offical diagnosis-obviously- but some real honest opinions. Maybe my son shares some similar traits that sound really familiar. So here is a quick biography on my son. At 4 months old he would scream and cry if we put him under the play gym. Hated the "exersaucer". By 1 yr, I wrote in his baby book, "very intense baby". Now at age 5 he has only 3 pairs of pants he will wear out of the 15+ in his closet. Most shirts are unacceptable (too short, too long, itchy, etc) He has 3 pr. of identical socks that he will wear. His shoes are velcro- cinched so tight I am afraid he doesnt get blood to his toes. He doesnt talk in class- no singing songs, playing group games, etc. His preschool teacher last year didnt even know he could talk. Outside, with just children, he runs and laughs and talks with the other children. Around adults he tucks his head down into his chest and refuses to talk or make eye contact. Friends and family have never recieved a hello greeting and few are ever close enough inside his elite circle to ever be part of a conversation with him. He would easily sit on the floor all day playing video games. So when he does talk to adult other than mom and dad it is endlessly about a video game. Toys are a object of stress for him. If a piece wont sit just right, or the action figure wont hold a pose or wont grasp the weopon, tool, etc he is crying and frustrated. Tempers flare if the carseat is slightly off balence in the seat, "My carseat doesnt feel right!" Putting him a swing and pushing him makes him shake with fear. He has never had the courage or ability to ask an adult for anything. He wont even tell the ice cream man which ice cream flavor he wants. He whispers to me to tell the guy. He has a hard time eating lunch in the cafeteria and chooses to sit in the far corner of the room. I can tell he badly wants to particiapate in social interactons- he just cant. Example- he had a rock on monday that he wanted to show his teacher. I told him he could take it to school. By the time we walked into class he handed me the rock and asked me if I would show his teacher for him. Its like he WANTS to share- but it comes to accually doing it- he cant.

My thoughts are that he has a social anxiety disorder with maybe some OCD traits. However, the therapist I take him to thinks it is aspergers. I am just not sure what to think at this point. All I want is to find a way to make my son comfortable in social environments and not tramatize him in the process. But I worry that over sheltering him is just as dangerous as not sheltering him enough. Mom's eternal guilt- I dont want to screw him up!

Any thoughts or light you can shead would be greatly appriciated. Thank you...

i am diagnosed with adhd, ocd, and aspergers, so its possible to have all three.

My honest opinion is that everything you have described about your child are behaviors commonly seen in children with Autistic Spectrum Disorders but that it would take someone very familiar with ASD's to diagnose if that was actually AS.

The issues you are describing about difficult infant, clothing/shoes, swinging/pushing, are all common in kids with sensory integration problems. There's a lot that can be done for these kiddos to help them cope with bodies whose sensory needs are differnet than most of the people around them. Here's an introductory article: http://www.tsbvi.edu/Outreach/seehear/f ... ensory.htm and you can find more in the book "The Out of Sync Child" by Carol Kranowitz.

Before we had any clue what it was all about I broke down and bought my son about 6 items of identical everything in the style and color he was favoring the most (navy pants/striped shirts). It made it so much easier on him to be putting on the same thing everyday and not to have to constantly make adjustments. Eliminated a ton of clothing wars for me too. Over time we were able to expand on colors and styles somewhat but I still always place a high priority on making sure things are soft cotton or nylon, not too small or large, and free of decoration such as collars and buttons.

As far as the social anxiety goes, many children can be helped in this area as well, especially if the help is there when they are young. Modeling, practicing in "safe" situations first, and small gentle nudges forward by caring people can go a long way. At school my son (Autistic traits leaning in the direction of AS) has had goals written into his plan to help him do things like ask the teacher a question, enter into a group of students to work on a group project, walk alongside another individual instead of way ahead of them, etc and later as he'd mastered the basics onto more complex stuff like telephone conversations. My son wasn't a happy little camper when he was struggling with social anxiety--the anxiety alone was terribly hard but he's always wanted friends. I'm happy to report that he's a happy confident boy in his everyday world now.

I hear you on the guilt--a wise mother once told me when my son's anxiety was so severe that he could barely leave the house that it was equally important to shelter them when they needed it as it was to nudge them forward gently as they are able. That advice has served us well so far.

Hope this helps.

My unprofessional opinion is that he is to young for a "label".It does sound like he has some sensory issues but the complicated thing about this is, some people are over sensitive in some area and over sensitive in others.I have read that the tendency with Aspergers is to feel more comfortable with older or younger people then your own age peers.Kids liking video games....I think thats part of our culture economy now,I doubt there are many kids who arnt.I dont see many traits that you have mentioned that sound "peculiar" other then the sensory stuff.What specifically makes his DR think it is aspergers?

i think you need to discuss your concerns with his pediatrician. and then, perhaps get him evaluated by someone schooled in ASDs

i think you need to discuss your concerns with his pediatrician. and then, perhaps get him evaluated by someone schooled in ASDs ster

i agree with ster but disagree with krex when he says
My unprofessional opinion is that he is to young for a "label"

my son is just under 4 and he has been labbled but i do agree that that it
It does sound like he has some sensory issues

tho i am not a doc i am also a consernd mum who wants to do whats best i know its hard god know its hard

he souds to me as tho he dose anve traits of asd apergers (did i spell tha right ?) as for the clothing that dose sound like my son (he wont waer orgen and has only 3 sets of cloths he will wear willingly oddly if i get him the same cloths and wash them he still wont waer them gggggaaaaaah ! !! !)
that dose sound like ocd


if you can get to see an asd docter (i mean one that knows a bout asd tho one that suffers from it would b good )

the only thing i can think of to help with his comunication with others is some thing i ade up i call it say with mother i use it for the few words my son can say

if brendan my osn wanys a bicci from our local shop we ask together we both say bicci ees (biscet plese ) then i tell the person what brendan said then we say it a gain with tatta on the end (tata is ty ) this way brendan dosent look daft and he gets a confidence bost too

hope this help s

I was given my "label" at five and a half. It meant 8 years of being in a segrigated classroom, wile being mainstreamed betwen 10 and 50% of the time. My School Days were boring.

I'm thankful that I've had the opportunity to go to a specialist Pre-School. That was the school that took me on my first trip to Victoria BC. (Ding! Ding!) That's a whole different story, all together.

I think that a good age to get a "label" would be seven or eight.

You know my son got his dx at age five and we must have been fortunate because the specialists were right on target right from the beginning. None of them predicted for him to be at where he is today in light of the anxiety issues, but he's an amazing kid.

I was glad to have as much information as possible right up front because it helped send me in the right directions looking for helping to minimize frustration and shore up areas he was struggling in and most importantly, us making some big changes in our parenting in order for that all to happen.

I wish we'd had a "label' or an "answer" before our son was 10, but no such luck. So we had to wing it.

If sweats, old tshirts and velcro shoes were all he'd wear, then by golly that's all we'd buy. And the clothes had to be washed many times before he ever wore it, then mixed in to the group one by one until he assimilated them.

Mornings were a nightmare, he was so very slow, plodding and methodical about dressing that we started him taking his bath and getting dressed at night. He was about 4 when we started that. he'll be 12 soon, and still usually sleeps in his clothes for the next day.

We learned by trial and error what worked (like making sure every possible lump and discoloration was out of his mashed potatoes before they were served to him), in order to keep peace.

Today, he wears jeans and learned to tie his shoes last year. He has several friends, and plays the tuba in the middle school band. It just takes time, patience, and lots of effort, no matter what the "label" or dx.

I think I am agreement with not "labeling" him. At this point all I am looking for is tools to make life easier on us all. I loved that most posts included issues with clothes. Some of the suggestions were wonderful, thank you. I am going to start intergrating them into our routine. Right now, he sleeps in his clothes- picking out pjs at bedtime is impossible! School is difficult, and my hope here, whether it is Aspergers or not, is to find ways to make his interactions with adults better. I would love for him to be able to feel comfortable enough to talk to his teacher. I am writing in this forum to learn more techniques and tricks to make those goals easier for him. (and maybe make life easier on me too.) He is a wonderful and smart little boy. I just wish he could share that with others and let others see what I see.

One thing I will mention is that involving other knowledgable people in my son's life has been KEY in helping him. I sat in on his early speech therapy and occupational therapy sessions (for sensory issues) and we worked as a team. Even brought little sister along and they involved her too! This was an excellent arrangement because I was able to learn techniques from them and they were able to better help him because of my input. It made it possible for me to gain some tools to address problem areas that I wouldn't have otherwise had. By buying my son all of the same clothes I was making an accomodation for him that made him able to cope and reduced battles. But by taking him to occupational therapy and learning what could be done here in his home environment, we've been able to teach him how to seek out his own sensory needs so he's far more comfortable in his own skin on a day to day basis. It's the difference between us doing it for him to get by and giving him the skills to manage his issue.

The other advantage--and this is a big one--is that there were times that others could stretch my son in ways that I couldn't. I could arrange for playdates and coach him here on social skills but that's way different than interacting in a classroom setting or with a small group on a project at school. There were also times where he would be resistant for me whereas a teacher or therapist might have had more success. I did a a tremendous amount of work with my son in the social and speech areas but he wouldn't have made nearly the progress that he's made had it not been for the involvment of others who were on the spot when I wasn't and had skills that I don't.

You may be able to get help for him in the social skills area at school without going through a private medical type assessment. You would need to request an evaluation in writing through your principal.

Don't try to diagnose your child, just set rules and standards. Aspergers really only becomes a serious problem when parents stop being responsible parents. A lot of parents look for professional help when they really should be taking the hard stance and cutting off junior from excessive video game time while putting up with the tantrums or screaming that may ensue.

Most parents are week and stressed out because they are over-worked by modern economic life, so they use TV or video games to babysit their kids while they try to find some "me" time.

Looking back on my own life as I grew up, my parents were never around, and used TV and all manner of entertainment to escape their responsibilities as parents. That and they refused to improve their own parenting skills through self-help books, or talking to other parents online in other forums.

I think its very difficult to diagnose a child with AS until they are at least in their teens, unless there are some serious give aways like stims, and all consuming obsessions to the exclusion of social activity, and a longstanding total lack of desire for socialization.

Mordy~ give me a break! do you have any kids of your own ? i don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that your kid needs help and that you seek out professional help~in fact, that's the most responsible thing a parent could do....do you want parents to be like mine were? stick their heads in the ground and pretend the problems don't exist because they think they're handling it ?

Mordy - I'm sorry you seem to feel you got the short-shift on the parents issue, but your post consists of nothing more than crass generalizations based on your recollection of your seemingly unhappy past.

When my son has a meltdown - which are becoming rarer and rarer - at this point it's not because we don't know how to transition him from one activity to another. Generally it's from either a sensory overload issue or mental frustration issue with school that needs to be resolved.

We are lucky in that our children come home every day to a stay at home parent and always have - sometimes that meant DH worked the overnight shift, but whatever it takes we've been there for them and most parents I know do whatever it takes to be there for their kids as well.

My son was easily dx'd with AS at the age of 10. The psychologist had no question in her mind about it at all. Furthermore, not all auties lack *desire* for socialization - they simply lack the ability to go about it. Many in fact crave social interaction.

I don't know how old you are Mordy - you use terms like "modern economic life" - but you put your parents down for not finding help in self help books or online forums. The "be a better parent" boom is fairly recent, so finding books in that category even 10 years ago - beyond Dr. Spock - would have been tough. Online - same problem - it didn't exist.

My parents weren't the be all and end all of parenting nirvana either, but I'm responsible for who I am as an adult, and for my actions as a parent. You need to let your childhood go, and move on.