Scared Mama needs pointing in the right direction.

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Hello Everyone,

I just joined WP today as I was looking around for advice and WP kept coming up as the best community.

I married a man with Asperger's. My estranged husband wasn't diagnosed until he was thirty, so his life had been fraught with difficulties. Unfortunately he found release from his emotions by solvent abuse. I didn't know about that problem until we were already married for 4 months. I tried to help and understand him, as he has many amazing talents and a good, generous heart, but when he became dangerously abusive I had to leave with our son, who was just 1 year old when I left.

My son is now 28 months old. He is an amazing child, advanced in a lot of ways but I started to notice certain things in his behaviour which had the alarm bells ringing. He walks on his tiptoes and bounces when he is happy or excited, flapping his hands as he laughs. Although he gets on fine with other children (I am a SAHM, he is my only child) he doesn't like going into certain shops and will get distressed when people try to talk to him in a certain way. He is very affectionate and hugs those he loves and seeks to be close to his favourite people. He also can play for hours alone, quite contentedly, but the ways he plays with various things all point towards Asperger's. He already tries to make tunes on the keyboard, not banging the keys like most two-year-olds would but trying to make harmonious sounds.

On the downside when he is frustrated he will bang his head on the floor or the back of the couch and sometimes slaps me when trying to get my attention. I try dealing with this by holding him tight and stroking his face while repeating the words, "gently, gently," which seems to calm him and then I take his hand and show him how to stroke my face. I'm not sure if that is a good way of dealing with his outbursts but I don't quite know what I am doing yet, I am still groping around in the dark.

Everybody keeps saying early intervention is the key, but I don't know where to start and I am constantly afraid of making mistakes as I don't want my son to have the sort of problems my husband did. My in laws are not the warmest people and whenever my husband tried to talk about the way he was feeling growing up they would just tell him to "Get over it" and then buy him stuff, which is their way of dealing with problems in general. My family is different from them (thankfully) but we are looking for pointers and advice so we can help our little man as early as possible.

Please help me, I feel so lost, my son is my world and I want him to be as happy as possible and teach him how to deal with the confusion he will undoubtedly feel. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I look forward to hearing what parents who have been where I am have to say.

Have you tried talking to your child's pediatrician with your concerns?

A lot of the behaviors you mention might very well be nothing, but if you have concerns you certainly should raise it, especially given a family history.

If talking to your pediatrician does not allay any fears you have or get you a referral, and you are in the U.S, your county should have a zero to three early intervention program that you can look up the contact info for.

I would make sure if you go this route that you mention anything that concerns you even if it is not in THEIR list of screening questions. My son "passed" the phone screen because his intelligence confused them, and I didn't bring up anything they did not ask (Aspie, tendency to take things literally.)

This probably was not as specific as you wanted, but I don't think this case sounds very clear, at least not to me (a newbie, here)

You guys will be okay! First step is to get the diagnosis, which can be a lot of work and worry. Once you have some answers, you will be able to figure out what services he needs.

In the meantime, if you want to start some behavioral techniques on your own you can do that too.

Some things to try:

Sensory Diet - Find out what makes him calm, excited, etc. Look up sensory diet activities and see what you can implement naturally to help him calm down, or do to decrease negative behaviors

Language - I'm not sure if your kiddo is delayed in this area. If he is, I would really push for language all the time in a natural setting. If he isn't delayed, it is still good to prompt him to use words to get things and communicate

Meltdowns - Ignore when you can, if he is headbanging then make a safe place that he cannot hurt himself. He is at the age where there are 2 year old tantrums anyway....add some overstimulation/emotional meltdowns and it can be exhausting. By ignoring the behavior he will learn that hitting or screaming will not gain your attention or get him what he wants. If he is at the point of meltdown, holding him or talking may be even more overstimulating. Every kid is different, but I can say that for a child his age, behaviorally speaking, ignoring tantrums and meltdowns will help reduce the number and length. It can be extremely hard to leave him alone when he seems so sad, but it really does work...especially on younger kiddos who are unable to be reasoned with. You can say something like "I don't know what you want. When you calm down, you can tell me" to let him know that you are available when he has calmed down more. Then turn the other way and wait it out.

Play - Play with him, next to him, whenever you can. Work on turn taking as well. Introduce him to a variety of toys and ways to play. Sing songs together, learn movements. Keep him moving and work on gross and fine motor skills in natural ways.

It is scary at first, but after you do some research and understand what to do it will get better.

He is still quite young and at this early age it can be difficult to determine what is simply age appropriate behavior and what may be signs of an ASD. I agree on seeing your pdoc. Ours (we are in the US) has begun conducting early screenings trying to pick up on more cases as soon as kids begin to show symptoms. Be aware though that some high functioning kids don't get a diagnosis until preschool or later because up until this time, the expectations for a child are such that we don't see where they differ from their peers until their peers really start out-pacing them in social and emotional development.

Early intervention does seem to be key but it need not involve lots of expensive medical professionals. Unless or until you see specific deficits, like language delay, just be involved with him and observe closely what interests him, what makes him happy, what does he avoid or what makes him agitated or upset. Take advantage of all the teachable moments. You'll be OK. You are aware and that is more than half the battle IMHO.

Hard to say if holding him is a good thing to do or not. If it calms him and does not make him more agitated, then you gotta go with what works. You may want to eventually try to find other ways for him to learn to calm though. Someday, you may not be the one who needs to help him calm and other tools need to be in the tool box. There is a recommended reading material stickie at the top of the page which is a good place to start.

Welcome!

I think you definitely need him assessed. I would not wait. My son is also highly affectionate and intelligent - even likes other kids most of the time, but he also has autism and was not diagnosed until 4 because we did not pick up on the symptoms and his pediatrician told us to wait and see.

I would find who does the assessments locally - often to get a public (paid for assessment) there is a wait time, depending on where you live. I am a big believer in getting the assessment FAST even if you have to pay for it (child clinical psychologists in the area). Early intervention is key. Sometimes pediatricians say "lets wait and see". Screw that. There is no reason to wait. If you get it done and there is a problem, you have had him diagnosed as early as possible. If there is no problem, well, your mind can rest easy.

Good luck.