I have a 12 yrs old functioning autistic step daughter

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^^ I feel you on the plumbers butt thing. Is she overweight by chance? My 15 yo daughter is somewhat overweight and has a J Lo booty. That, combined with how low rise most jeans are now causes plumbers crack. She does wear a belt but they slip down anyway. She solves that by wearing shirts that come down in the back to cover it. Some girls wear a high thong to cover the crack, and for some reason thats more acceptable to that generation. If it's because of the shape of her booty, I'd suggest trying a different cut of jeans, and if it's because they just fall down some I'd suggest a smaller size.

I think you mean NT (neurotypical)? Either way, you don't need to justify your frustration with us because that's a human response to a very difficult situation. But, my point was that having ill-will and resentment towards the child is not going to help the situation because she's bound to pick up on it and respond to it negatively. So, it would be helpful if your counselor could help you find ways of dealing with your frustration, so that it does not feed your step-daughter's resentment towards you.



Where in my post did you feel I implied that? I'm really confused. I did strongly suggest you learn everything you could about ASD, so you could improve your relationship with her, but I did not say I thought you should set low expectations or ignore problem behaviors.

I'm not sure if it will help clarify what I meant, but maybe you could try thinking of it this way. If one of your stepchildren only spoke Spanish and was having difficulty functioning in school and communicating with your family because she spoke a different language, how would you handle that? Just as a starting point, you would need to learn a little Spanish in order to parent the child, right? The fact that you speak two different languages doesn't mean you shouldn't help her learn yours. It also doesn't mean you should let her get away with murder. It just means that if you're ever going to get anywhere, you'll have to first try to understand what she's saying and where she's coming from.

I am the one who said to dial back the expectations and work on things one at a time.

Children with AS can grow up to be well adjusted, confident, and capable. Or they can grow up to be scared, anxious, resentful, and angry with the world. Yes, there are shades in between.

When you fail to recognize that the step daughter IS DIFFERENTLY ABLED whether you treat her one way or the other you are going to place expectations on her that are not reasonable. You see a capable, mature 12 yo who you perceive is pushing your buttons purposefully or with malice.

What we are trying to explain is that she is acting this way because you are not taking her issues into consideration when you deal with her. Not disciplining her for things in her control is not beneficial. Disciplinig her for things out of her control is cruel.

You are failing to recognize I believe the different way her brain works and what a strain those differences cause her. There has been many posts about what it's like to live as an autistic but regardless you CAN'T know her difficulties. So, we parents have found that when there is agitated behavior or maladaptive behaviors we need to look at the input and not just at that moment but perhaps even over the past month, year, or longer. These kids are not typically able to say "I am really agry because my dad left me and now I wonder if my mom will leave too" (just an example). Instead, they argue, stim, have meltdowns, speak rudely, etc.

It takes so much more concentration and brain power for her to do the things your typical children do. Now, she may (and probably does) have some abilities that are much easier for her than for them. But in every day life in typical society you can bet she is struggling with invisible things you cannot comprehend.

That is why I stated to dial it back. One you get a child feeling safe and understood and you simplify their life and the expectations and demands placed on them (this is NOT to say to let them get away with everything!) the anxiety will subside and the mood will improve. Then you can pick ONE behavior at a time and work on it-targeting it precisely.

Then step by step, day by day, you help her replace the behaviors with appropriate ones.

She will probably not ever be able to do some of the things the other children as easily as they do or deal with things the same. What I am saying is to give this some consideration. Not a free pass-but some consideration.

Thank you mama to grace. That was very well put. I must back off until she feels comfortable again then slowly re-engage one skill at a time.
Makes sense. I will try. Today and until we feel she is comfortable, I will back off and give her space to get security.
It's not easy but I will.
An unfortunately I have adopted you guys/girls to be my personal journal. So I will update day to day just so you can help orient me into the proper mindset.

This evening went well. I wasn't too involved with her because the other children had basketball. But I can say this. There wasn't conflict today and as of yesterday she has been hugging me before bed.

That's great.

One other thing is that you may need to do some sensitivity "training" with the other children. It's difficult because you absolutely don't want them to see her as "broken" or "damaged" but you need to get them to understand that she might need some time alone or for everyone just to back off at times. Everyone is different---and it's good to create an environment where each person's individual needs are respected.

I have a brother with AS (long before there was such a thing-they had diagnosed him as MR). It was very difficult for me growing up. I worked hard to make good grades and be "good" for everyone while he took so much attention. And it was my perception that all he ever did was mess up-failed classes, got in fights, disobeyed my mother, etc. But she loved him and somewhat coddled him. In school when I couldn't understand chemistry, algebra, trigonometry he would explain it to me-even though he had never taken the class. He could read a textbook and UNDERSTAND everything so clearly-about how things WORK and how the physical world functions. But when he would have a meltdown I KNEW to stay away or risk being hurt.

My brother is now amazingly successful, eventhough he failed most mainstream classes. He found his place in the world. And while he still isn't social or emotionally affectionate, he takes pride in what he does. So, always be cognizant that even when you see failure and difficulty with her-there is always great potential there as well. It took me having my own daughter to realize how difficult things really were for him and I am sorry I didn't realize that sooner. Of course the LAST thing he would ever want is someone's pity. And so I am careful to not ever pity my daughter or her struggles-even on her very bad days.

These two things just registered with me:

She's twelve. Twelve-year-olds are sulky, hormone-ridden little monsters. Giving attitude is normal behaviour from them. Not everything can be blamed on autism.

I think that the counseling thing is great, especially if the counselor is a psychologist and experienced with ASD.

I also think that it is important to learn more about ASD.

I also don't see the point of the belt thing unless it is necessary to hold her pants up. I don't like wearing one myself.

I also think that it is very important to control your anger and frustration, especially if the child is prone to anxiety. Anger directed towards a child with anxiety is like throwing gasoline on a fire (in my experience with my own kids).

I pretty much have to handle all discipline around my own house because my husband (the children's father) doesn't "get it" and lets the kids get under his skin and make him angry.

I also think that the blood relative, the mom, should be the leader in the childcare situation. The girl may care about you, but you did not enter her life until she was 8 years old, and she does not consider you to be her father. I don't think that the bond will be there, either, if you both cannot learn to get along.

This is so true. While autism may affect the exact style in which the attitude is given, it's not the source. Being 12 is the source. I'm NT and was this way with my parents about clothes from about age 12 to about age 16 (at which time they simply gave up). It isn't (and wasn't) always clothes of course. But attitude from kids that age is the norm rather than the exception.

First day with the counselor and wasn't bad. Se pointed out some things that I need to change and some things I don't. Work in progress. Today since I have been home I got a monotone "hello" from my stepdaughter and then haven't seen her for the rest of the night. She went into her room and haven't heard a peep from her.
Therapist or counselor stated I have OCD and control issues. But not to a bad degree but needs to be worked on.
I go back next week.
I am excited.

Why is her need for alone time a problem?

Or the other kids are socially adept enough to be able to mask their bullying, and/or to keep it off-tape. She, on the other hand, is too socially stupid to not get caught on tape when she's retaliating. The other kids are probably well-aware of this, and know exactly how to push her into 'bullying' them on-tape. She probably has been bullied for years before, and now she's built up defense mechanisms, which come across as bullying when seen isolated on tape. Especially to NT people. It's the old 'put the blame on the freaks' all over again.

@reynaert. We are talking about a 12 yr old at 5'8" and 193 lbs that knows her strength. She played football about two years ago as defensive and offensive tackle. She knows her strength and uses it all the time to "bully" her siblings. Happens a lot.

Now please don't make this seem like she is a complete victim. I do understand what you are saying but all kids are mean and lacking filters, and we teach all of our children to not retaliate. Eye for and eye leaves both blind. Especially my step daughter because we worry about her really physically hurting someone.

So regardless whether someone is bullying, name calling or not, that will never justify for her to bully back. Autistic or not.

That is our rule in our home as far as what's expected. And I don't think it is far fetched regardless what mental state the child has. I understand it may be harder for her to practice but it's is still no excuse for her to wild out.

@who am I. Never did I say it was a problem. I just wrote down what has happened. Like a journal. Is it wrong to write down my observations?

As an Autistic Mom with Autistic kids and a I am also remarried I can understand all this on many levels. Also my Dad was an alcoholic and was never home until he got clean when I was 14 then he was there all the time telling me what to do and yelling at me all the time (Im very auditory sensitive). No one knew what Asperger's or High Functioning Autism was back then (Im 44 and was DX at age 40 after my youngest was DX classic severe non verbal at age 2years 10 months) but I became very depressed, scared and I withdrew into myself even more than I had been. I moved into the basement bedroom which my parents called my cave. It was dark and quiet, it was my refuge and my Father did not understand my need to be alone. One time I was angry with him and gave him what you probably would refer to as "attitute" and he came into my room without knocking and dumped out my purse and started dumping things out....I assume he thought I was using drugs. I started screaming (I dont remember this) but it scared him and my Mother. They took me to a Psychologist and I refused to speak to him so the moron said I was a typical brat teenager.

Anyway, my youngest from my first marriage has Aspergers but she was not diagnosed until after I was. I married my husband who is the Father of my two youngest, my son who is 9 has Asperger's and my youngest daughter will be 7 in April and now speaks and is considered moderate to high functioning....she has a genius IQ but her she still has very serious communication problems.

One thing about many Autistic children is they tend to cling to one person, typically Mom unless Dad is the main caretaker. My kids typically respond better to me but since Ive been very ill for the past four years with a Auto immune disease called Ankylosing spondylitis my kids have gotten more accustomed to my husband but still there are days where they only want me and he is their Dad.

My older kids had serious issues and not all of them are autistic when they got into their teens. My daughters were 8 and 6 (my aspie) and my son was 12 (he passed away at age 24 in august and he had Bi Polar Disorder so he was very difficult) when I started dating my husband. My youngest was all over my husband until after we got married and we had my son and then she was very angry with him and wanted nothing to do with him, she was jealous. She was 10 and still wanted jump all over him like she did when she was 6.

I think the best thing for you to do is to not try to be Dad, so much, unless its her idea, but try to be Mom's partner. Try, if she will let you, to find out about your step daughters interests...Aspies are typically very excited to talk about our interests. My son spends a lot of time alone but he likes to look up things about bats (his latest interest) with me. I usually try to engage him in his interests or we watch a movie they both like when they are bouncing off the walls and fighting. Typically older Aspies and HF Auties can and enjoy entertaining themselves.

My daughters aide who is clueless about autism (yeah I know stupid, dont get me started) is always asking if my daughter asks about her???? UH, NO. My kids would freak out if I disappeared but everyone else is just wallpaper most of the time. Like I said they do care about their Dad, my son and he likes to play games together but he and my daughter have some issues because he does not understand what she wants and he gets frustrated. He comes to get me or I tell him what he needs to do. They also are close to my 21 year old daughter as she lived with us before we moved to France and she is very good with them.

Also Autistic kids can be very visually motivated. Maybe if you try putting a picture of a belt on her door or even a dressing strip....I dont know her so I dont know if this would make her angry or if she would be accepting of it. I know my older Aspie does not like to be treated like a baby and got angry when I tried to make her a schedule and she gets angry when I remind her to make appointments at the doctor for her depo shot (she is dating...she lives in Arizona with my parents and I live in France....my other daughter is 21 she is typical but has some sensory issues and she lives with her boyfriend who has undiagnosed Asperger's in Florida close to his Mom).

My husband had to put up with a lot and he got emotionally and verbally beat up a lot by my older kids and I think he is a saint. I was giggling when it said your therapist says you are a control freak because a lot of Aspies are also control freaks which is why I "Lost it" when my dad started dumping out my stuff. I hate being driven around but I cant drive anymore due to my nerve damage and medications. I do not like the cleaners in my house except one who understands me and what I want. So its no wonder you and your step daughter are not getting along at times....like I said, you should focus more right now on helping her, maybe engaging her in a game or talking about her special interest, instead of trying to discipline her.

I also strongly recommend getting some of Temple Grandin's books. She is one of the most famous autistic people and her books can help you to understand what its like to be an autistic person.

AS people have a very strong sense of justice and righteousness. It could very well be that it's nigh impossible for her to not retaliate, even if she knows it's wrong. And I get the impression that you are telling her not to retaliate as a 'rule'. That's only going to make her perceive it as more unfair. Most AS people also have problems with rules, especially those that they do not understand, or where they disagree with the reasoning behind it.

Also, you said earlier that "She just perceives it as her getting bullied", and my post was mostly to counter that statement, and to show that it could very well be that she actually is being bullied, and is correct in her perception.

Putting all that aside, this is a rough sketch of the situation from her point of view: She's getting bullied, she manages to get up the nerve to tell you about it, and then you question her and disbelieve her. How unfair! You're supposed to be a person she can trust and depend on, and now you're siding with her enemies! Perhaps she even feels like you're calling her a liar.

NB: her point of view as such is not AS related, but AS people tend to be very straightforward and honest, and also have a strong sense of unfairness, and those really do amplify the situation a lot.

First off is my daughter feels its unfair for some people to have money and she can't then is ok for her to steal money to make it fair?

Reynaert please understand that I believed her quite sometimes until at home and at school the truth come out. There are times she is the aggressor in the situation. Whether she feels what's going on is fair or not doesn't justify her to be the retaliator.

Autistic children don't lie? Then this one isn't autistic because she has lied numerous times to get what she wants.

Now please remember that I have learned that this is a spectrum disorder, and maybe she is on the part that can lie. Now she doesn't all the time. Not even most of the time but she does. That's not my perception, that is the truth.

I support all my children whenever they come to me with a problem. But I do keep in mind there is always three sides to a story. His side her side and what really happened.

My children autistic or not cannot grow up to become vigilantes to make the world fair. Doesn't work like that.

I do understand what you may be trying to say but I cannot prepare this child or any child for life by making a fair world around her because once we are gone or she moves away then what? Life isn't fair. It's how we deal and cope with its inequities is what distinguishes us, autistic or not. She will be taught ways to cope.

We have taught her that retalliation can be done differently than the way she has handled it in the past. Telling teacher, telling us, telling counselor, ignoring that person, tell the principal and then let it be our job to make sure the school admin dies their job.

At home we don't tolerate bullying by any of the children. If it happens the child that initiated it is reprimanded. If the other child retaliates their both in trouble. Two wrongs don't make a right no matter who you are.