Over protective parents of people with aspergers

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I've noticed this a lot with individuals with aspergers and other special needs disabilities have parents who are over protective to an unhealthy point. Especially after their children are grown adults my mom was over protective of me to a point that it drove me insane. We fought physically because she wouldn't leave me alone she would constantly try to make me stay home against my will not wanting me to go out and have a life up until she had a stroke when I was 24. I turned to alcohol when she was at work because I was so depressed I wished her dead she had been protective of me since I was little. Anyways she's disabled now but the point of my story is I feel if you shelter your adult child too much you will ruin and destroy their lives especially if they are high functioning. Ease up let them explore learn about the world on their own. My ex gf who was special needs autistic bipolar her family ruined our relationship because they were over protective and extremely religious they wouldn't leave us alone they didn't want us having sex and they involved themselves in our private lives which I think is unacceptable especially because she was 22. Some parents just over step their bounds they need to back off. I have another friend who's 31 his little brother is married who's 7 years younger sister is a heroin addict anyways the mom is over protective of him and he's high functioning she controls every part of his life and he's ok with it to me that's unfair he deserves to figure out life on his own his siblings are moved out while he lives with mom only reason I live with my mom is because she's mentally physically disabled due to a stroke and I take care of her. I buy all the groceries pay rent pay bills provide everything. I feel that parents and family need to not involve and revolve around everything their adult child does now when your child is little ok it's ok to be over protective all depending on how independent your aspergers child is or special needs child is as adults

Thank you for this. I agree.

I have to say that I am constantly attempting to balance the need to protect my 14yr old son and ensuring that he gets to live his life the way he wants to live it, within reason of course. It's hard to let go and I understand that, however, I also understand that while he may still have some delays in speech, etc. , he is also a 14yr old boy. Every time I feel that I am being overprotective I step back and think "what was I like at that age?" He's 14, he likes girls, he wants a girlfriend. While I wouldn't let him sleep over at some girl's house or have a girl sleep over at our place, I have allowed him a bit more freedom on him contacting girls, saying he loves them (as many boys and girls do at that age), etc. Sadly, the girl he likes, her mother is one of those who is overprotective for way too many things. Her daughter is beautiful, sweet and very smart, yet her mother wants her to not like any boys until she's an adult...that's just not realistic and to me this is the time that we as moms have to help our kids, have them trust us, etc...not to push all those things aside. My son is very open with me, he lets me see their conversations, we talk about it, he asks me what I think, etc...I help him without interfering constantly.

Just last night we were at a party and my son wanted to be with the other teens. I allowed him to be with the other teens, he hung out with them, danced, etc. Of course I was afraid they would make fun of him or something, as they were all neurotypical, but I can't baby him forever. Meanwhile there was a mother at our table with two sons, those kids were glued to her hip. The place was small, it was a private event, etc. yet they were glued to her hip. She babies them and then wonders what is wrong.

My son's best friend who is also on the spectrum, his mom allows him to ride his bike from their house to their office, etc. and he has become very independent. Of course, he has his cell phone and GPS tracking, etc...but it has helped him greatly to be independent. He's 16, can't just go everywhere, etc. but all within reason. I love that my son hangs out with him because little by little he too is becoming independent, even though of course deep down inside I am worried sick when they walk around the mall alone, or the pier where we go to hang out, etc...but that is our job as parents, to create independent adults.

Thank you for your post. I will continue what I do and every time I am a bit nervous, I'll come back here to remind myself to let go and trust him.

I don't understand the purpose of this thread.

That's exactly what I mean

Thank you. I was also raised by parents who were controlling to the point of abuse; I understand some of what you went through.

One of the things to remember about autism is that it has a strongly genetic component, and highly verbal forms of autism were not widely diagnosed and supported until 1995. That means that that the large majority of adults on the spectrum spent their lives being called lazy, weird, stupid and being blamed for all kinds of things they could not control and did not understand. Many of them became parents to young adults like you, but only after they had lived through the trauma of growing up without any help.

It doesn't make it any better, but it does explain why may young adults are struggling with their parents; but it may be helpful to know that things are much different now; adults are getting the resources they need as well as kids.

In addition, I think it is common for parents of people on the spectrum to have anxiety issues themselves for similar genetic issues relating to the genes involved in autism. Anxiety tends to make someone more overprotective than if the anxiety was not present. My mother had a lot of anxiety, and as a result, she would try to restrict what I did or try to make me do things way ahead so she would not have to worry.

There are quite a lot of WP members who would have liked more protection, and a lot of parents would like their kids to have more protection. If you are actually protecting your child, that must include supporting his or her growing independence, wherever that may be.

I do not understand calling not listening to one's child, which seems like what the OP is describing, overprotection I've read other posts by people who complain of having been overprotected and are very angry.....and sometimes like here, it's gotten physical....

And I think just because someone is a parent and says "I want you to be safe, it's for your own good" does not make that so. Being protected when you need that (and children do) is a good thing. So is being respected and feeling heard. It has not seemed to me that the people who complain they are angry they were overprotected feel protected, just controlled.

We do not have to accept our parents' labeling as adults.

I think a lot of the issues involve not just the teen years but young adults who have to live at home, for financial and/or other reasons, and then are subject to parental rules for a longer time.

It is a tough answer, because this encompasses many different levels of functionality. Sometimes the young adult blames the parent's over-protection for putting them in that place of dependency -- in other words the argument is that the parent did not help and perhaps hindered the acquisition of those skills. I am sure this does happen.

On the other side you have young adults who don't have those skills, due to developmental delays, despite the parents' best efforts. The parents are either legal guardians of their adult children, or it is that way in practice, if not legally.

Either way, they are apt to resent anything that looks like "my house, my rules," or "You aren't ready to do x or y." In addition sometimes these parental rules have to do with morality rules the adult child does not ascribe to, or there is a dispute over whether the adult child has the skills do do a particular thing. The child can see the social indicators that s/he is supposed to be allowed to do those things, but can't.

Sex and dating is going to be a big issue b/c often the parent might have moral objections. There also may be pragmatic concerns. There might be a dispute over emotional readiness, a concern that the adult child does not understand boundaries or whether the child will be responsible enough to prevent a grandchild who will have to be supported financially or taken care of by the adult's parent. Someone can be impulsive, but intellectually intelligent, and I don't think people like to be told they are too impulsive to be trusted explicitly or implicitly, even when it is true.

We get these posts periodically because there are a lot of adult children on the spectrum who are or have been in this position. I don't think they know before they post, that we get these warnings fairly frequently, and I don't know that warning is 100% the point. Some of it, with some of the posters of these types of threads (not necessarily the OP, here) is that the actual parent is not a safe outlet to communicate these frustrations and resentments. So, I think sometimes we are used as proxy parents that they can safely vent to because they hope for closure of some kind, or just need someone who is a parent to listen.

Ah....overprotective is a euphemism for overly restrictive!

What you wrote shifted the frame and now it makes perfect sense ASDmommy--thank you!!

I was diagnosed at 16.

So during my childhood and early adolescence, everybody held me to the same standard as any other child.

In fact, I am happy it was that way, because just about all the people I know of IRL who have ASD were diagnosed as a child and thus overprotected and I think that hindered their development somewhat.

Most of them just dropped out of school before our equivalent to high school here.

On the other hand, going through the whole school system messed me up pretty bad, so I guess there is a better middle ground somewhere.

I guess if the child is diagnosed early, unlike me, there is an advantage in that you can take preventative measures but I do think it is important not to go overboard, which of course, is not so easy for most parents.

I moved out of my mother's house when I was 15 because I was getting sick of her and her new fiancee trying to run my life. Probably one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I hear what you are saying, but it is still a different situation being diagnosed later in life, but living in a world that understands such a diagnosis exists than it is to grow up in a world that either locked disabled people away in institutions or expected them to develop in lockstep with everyone else.

I hear that you and your friends had a hard time, and that parents should be cautious about being controlling.

That said, it is very hard to judge parenting from the outside; what outsiders may see as controlling behavior may be what the child needs.

One of the best things my parents did for me was not be overprotective, let me make my own mistakes, let me be independent in many things probably earlier than most NT kids.

This is what I supposed to experienced; being trapped at home all day of doing nothing. I have so much time on hand, I can sleep and eat whenever I want and care less about the world.
I'm 20, and people keeps a close tab at me when I want them to leave me alone. Like everything I do needs permission. I initially averting it because I want to learn...
My parents are overprotective, but not overly restrictive. Yet still, they treat me more of a child than my younger NT sister.

Now I'm studying to continue a vocational course and a part time job in secret. So I'm not receiving allowances from anyone, I'm earning it myself.



In terms of moving out, it's quite a different context here. It's impossible for me to move out from where I live.

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Overprotective parents can definitely stifle the development of someone on the spectrum. I've noticed this is one of the biggest problems a lot of people face.