bereavement

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How do you explain bereavement! my sister whom thank god has surpassed there time. How do you explain this or everything around it. My son whom is 13 dx ASD, ADHD,OCD and has episodes of high and low and also has a death wish. He has a healthy relationship with his aunt and likes her very much. She is slowly deteriorating its hard for all the family, do I involve him in all the funeral arrangements, I am lost how to deal with this advice appreciated!

First, I would not hide his aunt's condition and up coming death from your son. He needs to know and will be even more upset if it comes on him suddenly without warning, and with the knowledge that it was kept from him.

Second, as to whether he is included in the funeral. That depends partly on how he behaves at family functions. If he does okay at functions, then let the choice be up to him. However, do explain to him ahead of time what will happen at the funeral.--The service, the visit to the graveside, the lowering of the casket and people laying flowers on the casket, etc., followed by a gathering at a hall or at someone's home. At 13 he should be able to handle the funeral, if he is able to behave at family functions, as long as he knows what to expect.

I've been to a number of family funerals over the years, including my mother's almost nine years ago. Yes, it is hard, but it happens to everyone eventually. Just remind your son of that, and that it is a perfectly normal part of life, so he doesn't get too fretful about it.

I agree whole-heartedly with Questor's excellent, thoughtful, and practical advice. The sooner you discuss it, the better. Preparing him with the facts and allowing him to process it before-hand, at his own speed, will be beneficial. If he can realistically be included in the funeral, he should be. However, this is a matter than only you can ultimately decide.

Him having time with his aunt to (privately) process her mortality, and all that she means to him, is more important--in my eyes--than whether or not he's physically present at the funeral. I also agree that he should not be forced to attend--that the final decision be with him. That always goes over better with me.

Whatever you may do, I'll hope for the best for both you and your son.

And your sister, as well, of course! How thoughtless of me...

I am so sorry to hear you are in this situation. what a very difficult time for all of you.

Since good advice has already been given, I'll just note that my son was amazing, really amazing, when his grandfathers passed away, one when he was three and one when he was ten or eleven (can't believe I can't remember). We included him in everything both times, and at my father's funeral he did a reading.

He has told us that it helped him a lot to have a job to do at my father's service. He was totally broken up during the service, and my mother was wondering if he was going to be able to pull it together for the reading. But he did, and it was so beautiful. He loves being on stage, I guess in any form. Anyway, he says he would have melted down in the service but he kept himself focused on the job he had to do, and then when he had completed the job he was so proud of himself, knowing he had done something for his grandfather, it helped ease the pain just enough to get through the rest of it. He was well prepared, and it was his choice.

No one ever really knows how they will handle these situations until they are in them, but I just went with my instincts and crossed my fingers.

As for words ... We have always said that our loved ones are going to live with God now but that of course we are going to miss them horribly. We talked about the different things people believe as to death, that grief goes though a whole gambit of emotions at different times, and it is OK to feel what you feel, etc.

Thanks for you kind words, My son knows that his aunt is going to die we include him in everything and will allow him to make his own choice. I was just wondering if we were doing the right thing and from you replies I feel we are.

Thanks again


Annmaria