I love my son, but I can't stand the.....

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I just need to vent a little! Thanks for reading.

My son has Aspergers on the account that he can speak and his reading is not so bad and has conversations although they are usually one side and off topic. But he lacks attention focus, lack of social cues, and he is socially a little ackward most of the time, he can't really read when others are being serious or just joking around. He has his strict routine, has behavior problems, mood swings, extreme sensory issues, odd voice patterns, and the occassional blank spell and zoning out. He's doing bad in school, he's only 6, the only good thing is that he can read, but doesn't really understand what he is reading or what the books are all about, he can't follow instructions. Hes in his own world at school.

His stimming is just horrible. He stomps, flaps and runs back and forth, slamming his hands on the wall. The worse thing about his symptons is the loud hand clapping, and his extremely super loud vocal noises.

I love him so much, but I can't stand his loud vocal noises and his hand clapping. He can go hours at a time doing those things. Snapping him out of it is a hard thing to do, since he gets extremely angry.

him and I have been through horrible things together, and our lives are consumed with school meetings, and therapy appointments. i love him dearly and we do have sweet times together. he makes me smile once in a while and he is so attached to me, he is a sweet boy.

All the stress that fell upon me since he began showing the signs have really take a told on me. I have his stimming inside my head, it's like someone is drilling my head with a jack hammer every day. It's like a constant nagging that won't go away. I can clearly say I am overwhelmed and just tired.

I don't know if it is normal for me to feel this way? His hand clapping and vocal noise make me upset, it really bothers me, although I don't show it, specially in front of him. I try to suck it up, but it's really very frustrating.

It's very hard. Sometimes I cry at night, and wonder if I did anything wrong during my pregnancy. Even though Im very aware of the many things that could have caused his Autistic behavior. But I cry so much, it hurts so much, I wish I could take All of that away from him. Because it's causing other illnesses as well, it's causing him bone problems due to the constant friction of his body, the stomping the flapping etc...

I cry out of helplessness, I wish I could take it away, and not hear him say " mommy my bones hurt. OR " mommy my brain is telling me that I cannot control my stimming. I try but I can't, make it stop mommy, it hurts me" He also says he feels ants inside his head. The pain I feel to hear him say that hurts me so much.

I'm overwhelmed, have too much going on. I know some mommys take time off, at least a day off for themselves, to get away for a while, but i don't have that luxury.

Thank you for reading.

Since his stimming is causing physical harm to him, have you looked into medications that might help?



Has he been to an OT for sensory processing disorder support? They might be able to get together some activities that will help his sensory system to calm down a bit or to find replacement behaviors that give him similar input but are not so detrimental to his health and your sanity.

I know you care about him and want the best for him. It is okay to be frustrated and exhausted, that doesn't mean you aren't "strong" enough or not doing the right thing.

My son as habits that annoy me, and we've negotiated on that. It isn't about anyone being right or wrong, it is simply about different people having different needs.

Could you wear noise cancelling headphones to block the stim noises? Stims are self-calming, and working too hard to squash them can cause new issues. Still, your son may be able to learn to substitute the stims with less annoying ones, that that takes time and patience. So, in the short term, you figure out some creative way to get by.

Hi just do what you can. He may not be able to help his flapping around. Maybe give him something to squeeze or compress. I wish you the best of luck. I am an aspie mysel and have coped wll in the past.

Hi just do what you can. He may not be able to help his flapping around. Maybe give him something to squeeze or compress. I wish you the best of luck. I am an aspie mysel and have coped wll in the past.

Oh my. I would suggest you try and get him to do another stim that won't damage his body but you say he gets very angry when you try and stop him. I assume that is what you mean when you said snapping him out of it.

Have you tried finding out why he is stimming? Whatever is causing it, maybe you can try and avoid it from happening so he wouldn't do all those stims.

I am new to this so I don't have a lot of advice, but I wanted to give you some encouragement and let you know that you are not alone.

Like DW we have lots of headphones with MP3 and ear defenders (noise canceling headphones as she said). I also have the little foam ones.
It sounds like may need a lot of sensory input.....does he have sensory toys? If not the best place to get some is called Office playground (just google it). All the other places with "autism" attached to the stores name jacks up the price, Office playground is awesome and they even deliver (fast I might add) here to France. You may also try a weighted vest, they are expensive but well worth it....first find someplace he can try wearing it just in case his sensory system rejects it instead of it being useful. The best place....and Ive tried many is Salt of the Earth Weighted Gear....If you are handy you can just make your own....I do NOT recommend the pocket ones as the kids pull out whatever you are using for weights. I had one for my daughter and we put small bags of beans....waste of money and lots of beans all over . Get the sewn in weights and I think they have an exchange program or they will resew more weight if you need it at Salt. Shaving cream is also a very cheap sensory toy and easy to clean....just put him on some type of "flooring" that you can mop up the cream (make sure he does not stand up and try to ice skate on it)....you can use a big window or the table....I put my kids in their underwear and spray them off in the shower when they are done. Just make sure you use an unscented type as some kids dont like the menthol smell.

You need to keep him busy....play board games or word games while you are cooking. My son (my aspie) and my Autistic princess and I play math games with dice or with rocks or tokens. My daughter has lots of little figurines and we use them as well. We also like to play card games like uno and skip bo. If you need time a lone try to find a good computer game for him to play. My kids love this one where a cat has to get fat in order to save his stuffed "girlfriend kitties" life....you have to guide him though mazes to eat sushi....its obviously japanese. Just look for Fat Cat game. We also have a great typing and word game that we got from the UK when we were still in the US its called Nessy Game Player.....(like Nessy the lockness monster). I have found after raising five kids that if they are idle they tend to get in trouble or drive you nutty.

Like my daughter it sounds he has a lot of anxiety. If he likes the weighted vest, this will help, also a schedule or a callendar so he knows what is going to happen next....this can cause a lot of anxiety when they dont know what is next. It drives me crazy and Im 44. I have to know what is going to happen which is why my doctors drive me crazy. I have two bone diseases, I hate it when they tell me "we will just have to try this and see what happens".....HUH??? I HATE THAT....it makes me nuts, It makes me rant and rave. Do you have a schedule for him?

I just caught you last part of your post about the bone pain....is he hyper flexible by chance? If so go here and check to see if he matches the critera http://www.hypermobility.org/beighton.php . If he has this disorder it could be causing him terrible pain as some kids start having issues with it at a young age. It is also called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome type III. There are 6 different "labled" types so far but they cross over so much that you or your child could have other type symptoms. It is VERY genetic in my family and both my daughters have problems with it including heart problems. I have been diagnosed with the hyper flexiblity but they want me to have an echo cardiogram and to see a geneticist. It may be hard to get a diagnosis, especially if you are in the US where they are somewhat clueless about it but you could print out some information for your doctor and ask for a geneticist. This could be part of why he is stimming so much, he could be in pain. My two little ones are hyper flexible too and my daughter who has classic autism was already diagnosed with loose joints and low muscle tone (it is a connective tissue disorder). It is also very common for some reason in ASD people and kids. Even my Rheumatologist knew that. I wanted to do a little unofficial study on here but have not heard back from Alex yet. My husband is a genetics Professor and he knows someone in the UK who is also very interested in the connection.

Another thing we're discussing in another thread: can you try finding sensory toys to help redirect the stimming? The novelty of "getting" something may help him.

Sounds like some of the stimming involves sensory-seeking behavior for sound - check and see if he can tell you whether the hand-clapping is the noise in his ears or the feeling in his hands? If it's the noise, maybe you can find music that he can listen to in earphones that meets this need (be careful that you manage the volume so he doesn't damage his ears.) I'm thinking drumming, the soundtrack to STOMP, irish dance, etc.

If it's the vibration, maybe some of the vibrating sensory toys might help, or one of those "massage" chair inserts that essentially vibrate.

I agree, you're going to have to do some of the management while he learns to change the behavior. Again, you have to figure out which part of the clapping bothers you most: sound is pretty easy to control with headphones, visual noise (hands moving quickly) less so.

We found that "sound isolating" earbuds are nearly as effective as in-the-ear foam earplugs.

Hang in there! This is really hard stuff!

Are you sure he is actually stimming or could he possibly have tics? If he is doing it to the extent that it is causing injury then you might consider having a consultation with a psychiatrist concerning medication for tics or obsessive movements. Until then, consider wearing ear plugs, or occupying him with a task that makes it difficult for him to clap while doing.

I would not allow his issue with school to consume your life or his. Children with AS are fairly good at learning and will often come by various academic related skills on their own. It would have been far more conducive to my personal well being had my childhood not been consumed by those same school meetings and so on, and more effort was made to engage me in activities which I had an interest in. The school system actually can't act in your child's best if that best interest is a little different than would be applicable to other children, because they are bound by certain laws. Ultimately, their goal is to follow the law, and get your son to follow it too, whether or not that has a detrimental effect on him.

Lastly, but not any less significantly, as a person with AS, I do object to your negative perception of my state of being. My troubles in this world aren't due to anything innate about myself, but relate to the perceptions and ignorance of other people.

*hugs* It's hard. It's hard. I don't think anybody knows any way to make it truly easier.

If you can afford it, find a sitter that understands his situation and get a break. It will do a lot of things-- give you a chance to regroup, and if you get really lucky, give you another perspective on handling the situation from a caregiver's point of view. That can be radically different than a medical professional's.

I love my son (4, assumed AS, almost "normal" but I see a lot of myself in him and there it is) but I hate...

...the way other family members react to him (assuming he's just being bratty, manipulative, uncaring).

...explaining to him that his behavior is the reason he gets treated differently than his sisters, that he has to suppress his voice if he wants to be accepted.

...the way I feel inside when I try to teach him to make himself "look normal."

...knowing that people saying, "Don't do that, you look ret*d" and "Don't say that, nobody will like you" are the reasons that I'm as high-functioning as I am, that if I had been allowed to be myself I'd probably really be a freak instead of a high-functioning Aspie with no self-esteem.

...knowing that he has to choose: he can accept himself, or he can be accepted by others. And, for his own good, I have to encourage him to choose being accepted by others.

...perseveration. Really, Buddy-- ONCE IS ENOUGH. Twice is pushing it. PLEASE STOP THAT!

Please don't beat yourself up. It isn't your fault. Your kid isn't a freak. It's going to be harder and take longer, but it isn't your fault and your kid isn't a freak.

I want to thank everyone for their comments. This issue we face is really hard and overwhelming. Sometimes I feel sooo overwhelmed and I cry about it. But I know I gotta keep strong and I gotta keep doing the best that I can.

I will search for different methods i can use for his constant stimming. I forgot to mention that he has also the sleeping problem, he wakes up about 7 times a night crying sooooo loud, and it doesn't go away, he can cry for 2 hours non stop!

i try reading books, holding him, rocking him, caressing him, soft music, sleeping sounds, talking to him. the worst thing thing is that he doesn't know where he is, when he wakes up in that state, he forget everything. and talks random off topic weird sentences.

All i can do is never give up, and try to deal with this, and hope for the best. Thank you for all your comments.

Bananita, my son occasionally experiences "night terrors" - it seems like he's awake, but he's actually still asleep. This sounds like what you're describing with your son. Night terrors are a little bit like sleepwalking taken to the extreme; the normal body response to sleep that keeps you paralyzed so you don't move when you are dreaming doesn't work right.

Here's more information, see if any of this sounds familiar: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/night-terrors/DS01016

My son's night terrors follow a very distinct pattern: he tends to get one right at 10:30 on a day when his routine has been drastically changed (first day of school, vacations, etc.) He also gets them when he's particularly anxious or stressed out.