Please Help!

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Hi,

I have a 12 year old son in his first year at High School. He started a different school from everyone else in his primary school so did not know anyone in September. I was under the impression that everything was going really well until December (parents evening) when I was told by his Form Tutor that he was struggling to make friends. I have since found out that he is still struggling to make friends but is now giving his lunch money away to people in his class in an attempt to get them to like him.

My son is very intelligent, academically, but has trouble with sports and manual tasks. He appears to be socially awkward and lacks confidence in groups of any size. He does not fit with the 'norm' of a boy his age, preferring science, LEGO and computers to football, girls and fighting. For the last two weeks the schools have been closed for Easter and my son has become more and more withdrawn. He is a sensitive young man and I am so concerned about him.

I intend to go into the school tomorrow and speak with his Form Tutor regarding this situation but I was wondering whether my son could have a mild form of Aspergers, explaining the social issues that he has. Is there anywhere I can turn for help for him? He has another 4 years of High School and children of this age can be so cruel. I just need him to be happy and I really don't think he is at the moment.

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to Parents)

My son isn't that old yet, so my advice will probably be more generic, but other people with older kids will log in and post, I am sure.

If you have concerns, I would find out who the educational diagnostician is, or a counselor, and say that you believe your son is on the autistic spectrum, and you want him evaluated. As of the current DSM, Asperger's is listed as a subset of Autism. In the next DSM, they will not be using the Asperger's term separately, it will just from a diagnostic stand point be autism of whatever severity rating. I don't know if it is better to specifically mention Asperger's or not --- the autistic spectrum covers it, though.

If they give you static and say they don't think he has it etc. and they don't start the process with their forms, you may have to send a letter to the appropriate person so the request is in writing. Then they will have to respond. I don't have any information on that because I just filled out their forms to start the ball rolling.

Edited to say that I am in The U.S. Your answers will vary if you are located elsewhere.

Also, I wish I could give better advice. My son is just entering the ---starting to care about playing with other kids, but they think he is weird-- stage, and it is horrible to watch.

Thanks so much ASDMommyASDKid for your reply. I am in the UK. My son is still in the "wanting to play with other kids but they think he is weird" stage. I watched him last week when he had a friend over for the first time and he was trying so hard to be cool, it was uncomfortable to watch. I wanted to take him to one side and tell him to just be himself and if people don't like it then they are missing out on such a wonderful young man.

I will definately make an appointment at school tomorrow and see if they can point me in the right direction. We just did the Baren-Cohen test together and my son scored 34. But I scored 38! Perhaps its in me too. I always did prefer my own company...

Welcome, helenbutton!

In the UK, you can ask your regular doctor to refer you to a specialist for testing, in addition to asking the school. Also, whether or not your son has a diagnosis, it sounds like he could benefit from social skills classes, and I'd also make sure they check his pragmatic (social) speech, as there is a speech therapy expressly for that, which can be very helpful.

Also, many parents have found that activities where kids can indulge their special interests outside of school are a helpful "buffer" for social difficulties in school, e.g. chess club, electronics classes, acting classes (also a helpful way to learn social skills,) robot tournaments, lego club, etc. Whatever your kid will enjoy most, where he's most likely to find like-minded kids.

You can find local resources here http://www.autism.org.uk/

It sounds like your son would fit in great with my son and his friends, but I know for a fact that my son's little group is hard to break into. Not that they want to be exclusive, they are the last kids to be like that, but because a few of the more socially able ones are fiercely protective, and if a new kid unintentionally slights someone in the group, that is the end of that. We saw it last fall when I was trying to get my son to wrap in the son of a friend of mine, and it was such a shame. They should have been friends.

Getting your son involved in school activities is great, and so is having YOU get involved with the parents. Parents can plant seeds of ideas with their kids. Just because it didn't work out last fall with our attempt to get a new kid hooked up, doesn't mean it never does.

My son is also getting speech therapy that focuses on unspoken social cues that is something to look into.

It is a tough age because we can't make it all happen for our kids, we don't have the same tool box we did when they were younger.