Is my Aspie son a bully?

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My son just turned 16. He has an Aspergers' diagnosis since he was 12. He's smart in a lot of ways but has trouble with things that I guess would fall into the "life skills" category. Yesterday he spit in my face when I didn't get him a box of tissues from another room. Then only a few minutes later, when he was taking a shower, I walked into the bathroom for just second to let out one of our cats (that was in the bathroom, scratching at the door). My son then took the shower comb from the shower and turned in on me! I was so shocked that I haven't even talked to him about it.

In the past, he's had explosive outrburts that ave lead to him putting holes in the wall,but those were all situations where there was a build up of tension first. This time there wasn't anything. It scares me. It all seems so calculated and deliberately mean. Plus, he weighs 280 pounds, so I am scared.

Is this Aspergers' or just him being mean/a bully? Could it be something else, like bipolar?

Sorry to be blunt, but the spitting is completely out of order, and you're kind of just letting him if you say you haven't even talked to him about it, let alone imposed a punishment.

AS is no excuse for that kind of behaviour, especially if he's 'intelligent' enough to know better.

It's also not a 'sign' of bipolar, nor depression, nor ADHD or anything else. Plenty of people with those conditions who don't spit at others when they don't get their way.

(edit: agree with Callista's point about the shower though. it's a bit innapropriate to walk in without knocking). also edited to remove labels..

That's really scary, you'll have to do something but I don't know what. My 11 yr old ASD nephew has similar outbursts towards his mom (my sister) but he's still quite small so it's not as terrifying, not yet anyway.

Your son is a bully. Does he have ODD by any chance? Your son reminds me a lot of my ex aspie mate because it looks like something he would do because he always was violent and abusive when he didn't get his way. So his mom was controlled by him because she was afraid of him. My mother told me he was not strong at all, he was a bully.

Uh... well, I think I might have turned the shower on my mom too if she walked in on me in the shower, and I'm a girl. I honestly don't blame him for that one. Teenagers need their privacy. The cat can wait.

But yeah, he seems like he's got impulsivity issues. You don't spit in people's faces if you're any good at thinking before you act.

Most people who put holes in walls do it because they can't stop from hitting things, but are in control enough not to attack people or throw dangerous objects; so they re-direct it and hit the walls instead. This means that he still has a significant amount of control, and it's a good sign. Have you taught him how to repair holes in the drywall? When he punches holes in the wall, he should be responsible for fixing them. Even if it's something he can't control--if he has to hit *something* and he just turns on the walls because they're safe targets--he still needs to learn how to cope with his meltdowns, and deal with the aftereffects when he can't prevent one. After that first outburst, when he spit at you, he went to go take a shower--a very mature thing to do, because it meant he could get away from the situation and not continue the conflict. He removed himself from the situation, went somewhere where he could be in private. When you opened the door, you removed that privacy--he might not even have noticed the cat.

To those who have been posting before me--can we please not call him a brat or whatever? Those are hurtful terms. I was called that when I was a kid and I only ever put holes in the walls about three or four times. It just hurt to be told I was a "bad" child. I would much rather have been told that I'd done something mean, or that I'd done something I needed to correct--things that didn't label all of me, didn't categorically call me bad. It's better to be told "here, this is wrong, here's how to fix it"...

A kid bullying their parents is a case for the police or the psychiatry unit of a hospital. Sorry to be so blunt, but my mom would have given me hell if I had forced her to be my servant or if I had treated her like a dirty dog who doesn't deserve the least bit of respect during a silly teen tantrum.

Who's preparing his food? Who's doing his laundry? Who's driving him to places he wants to go? Who's doing phone calls for him? Who's making sure he doesn't forget important things (including those things that really wants to do and would be upset about if he missed them)? Who's listening to him when he's talking about something that concerns him? Who's buying him stuff and gifts? Who's helping them with - probably - all kinds of things every single day out of kindness and concern?

Surely, he doesn't do all these things himself?

When I messed up on purpose, my privileges went bye-bye until I met certain conditions.

Nothing wrong with a teen eating toast that they prepared themselves for a couple of days. Nothing wrong with not playing video games, not watching TV (beyond the news), not getting your usual ration of sweets/magazines/favourite foods (unnecessary stuff parents do because they love their kids but won't will their kids if they don't do it) from when mom/dad went shopping until you apologise and actively prove that you will work on the issue of angry and hurtful tantrums.

Edit 2: I realise that was really general so: depending on the need for routines (to be calm, relaxed, able to function) it can be the worst thing to be denied somewhat non-spectacular stuff that's part of your normal routine of course. When I talk about privileges, I mean those not quite expected real extra privileges that parents do for their kids and that huge effort parents make about some things, knowing how it makes their kids happy and how they like their kids being happy.

If you want people to be nice to do, to do things for you - if you want to be near people you like at all - you got to do something for them. That starts with being nice and considerate towards them of which spitting isn't a part - he ought to know that although he friendly reminder probably won't hurt.

As I helped teaching (as an assistant in school) a 6yos with mild mental retardation that his persistent spitting others in the face or even just spitting in the direction (because his smart idea was that spitting into their direction wouldn't get him in trouble) is the worst thing ever, worse than kicking and slapping, disgusting and dehumanising, I can't exactly picture any sensible reason to tolerate that behaviour in a 16yo no matter his emotional maturity which I suspect is better than that of a bossy 6yo with an IQ of some 53 and a father teaching him to treat woman like servants (because of culture/religion taken to an extreme).

Basically, what I mean to say is, there's no excuse for this. Spit doesn't fly in a mysteriously autistic way out of your mouth upon not being brought a pack of tissues by who someone you try treating like your loyal servant. I can see how this happens in a semi-brainless moment but gosh, there'd have to be such harsh consequences and so much "making up" for it over the course of the next few days.

Edit: that's to say, I spat at people before too in the most impulsive manner that still included some intention as spitting requires a little of it to be performed successfully, but I really arrived at the conclusion that it's the most disgusting thing ever, that it always ends up with taking an exhausting bit to repair the broken bits of a relationship to someone you "just" spat at (even if you didn't hit them at all) because spreading your body fluids on people who don't want them is perceived as most... disgusting. Can't think of a different word right now.

I don't know how you guys grew up but when I just turned 16 I had a hormone cocktail in me that would kill most adults.

OP: Testosterone and AS aren't an easy combination. When I was his age I did similar things, that's how I expressed my feelings because I didn't know any other way. Most of the time I did things without thinking and regretted it later. One time, when I was a little older than your son, I threw my set of keys (and there were A LOT of keys on it) at a girls face because I just didn't know how to respond appropriately to the situation I was in. There was no thought behind it, it was just a mini overload/meltdown type of situation for me.

I'm just wondering why you had to 'enter' the bathroom to let a cat out. I'm just thinking that his reaction was pretty mild compared to the things I did when my parents violated my privacy, and so you know- I did things out of frustration. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's all you. I'm just saying it takes 2 to tango.

My parents have walked in while I was showering and I was behind the shower curtain so I still had my privacy. It's not like they peeked in the shower.

I was labeled as a bully when I was 16 by my mother and she said I abused her in the past so there. No shame here at all. My mom says things the way it is and so do I. having a label never escaped me from these other labels.

pekka wrote:

This sounds like a thread for the parenting forum on this site.

Yes, I agree.

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Parents' Discussion]