Throwing things in anger

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My son has broken his Nintendo 3DS. I'm in the room below his bedroom and I heard a couple of loud thumps on the floor above, then about half an hour later my son came downstairs, very pale and subdued but obviously upset, with his DS in two pieces. It is completely trashed, I reckon beyond repair. He said he'd dropped it and it broke, but when I asked if he'd thrown it he admitted he had and said he was sorry for lying.

I asked why he'd thrown it and it was because he was losing a game.

You know, I'm not angry about this, but it's all part of his inability to control his emotions and often his way of dealing with disappointment or losing is to respond in anger. It did cross my mind that I might be able to claim for it on my household insurance, but instead I am going to tell him that if he wants to replace it then he is going to have to save his pocket money, which will take about 7 months. He's also not going to be allowed to use my iPhone or iPad.

He loves his DS and he'll really miss it, but it's a very expensive toy and I think he needs to appreciate the consequences of of his actions which will be no DS and not being able to buy comics with his pocket money until he has replaced it himself.

Although upset he was very calm and he clearly had spent some time upstairs with it broken before he came to tell me. He was more concerned about whether I would tell his father (from whom I am divorced) who has quite a temper and would likely yell at him.

Sigh...

I don't really know why I'm posting this to be honest. Off-loading, I suppose.

This behavior is totally frustrating. But he isn't hurting himself or anything that matters to other people, which is a good thing. Let him own it and recover from it. Destructive behavior can be very dangerous. Let him understand the consequences and learn from them.

Off-loading perfectly acceptable! I feel for you, that is a tough position to be in. It sounds like he understands the consequence of his actions. Hopefully that lesson will stick.

Oh dear, I didn't get much sleep last night because I was upset for him.

This morning he came through into my bed for a snuggle, still subdued. We spoke about it a little, and I told him what it'll cost to replace and how long he'll need to save for it. He said that he thinks maybe it'll be good for him not to have it for a while as it'll encourage him to get out and interact more with others!

We'll see how it goes. He is a big reader, so it's not like he'll be stuck for a quiet activity and we're coming into summer so he'll be playing outside more.

I have a tendency to throw things when I'm frustrated. I try to keep something on hand that won't be damaged or damage anything else when I throw it. Maybe that could be useful for your son.

How old is your son? My DS6 also throws things when he's frustrated, primarily the wii remote. He sometimes hits the comptuer screen or the iPad. I'm not yet ready to take these things competely away. Instead, I'm trying to give one warning and then he loses the item on the second offense. It doesn't seem to be making any difference, since he just hasn't developed the skills to handle his frustration. Anyone else have ideas?

Yup, Zette, that's exactly how we handle the same thing: DS has bought us two new dining-room chairs and a number of other odds and ends. It's tough when it's their own thing, because usually it is something they get comfort from - but you are entirely right, if we shield them from the real-life consequences of their actions (as is reasonable, of course,) they won't be motivated to change, even if they don't have the tools to do it in the short term.

My son is 10 now.

He has thrown things in the past, but usually things that don't break and he hasn't done it often. A few years ago I remember he threw and broke a couple of cheap plastic water pistols which he'd hankered after and bought with his own money even though I'd warned them that they were poor quality and likely wouldn't be as good as he anticipated. Sure enough, they were rubbish and he threw them down hard and they broke. He did get into trouble for that, had to clear it up and did without a treat that evening. That't the worst I can remember before this one.

I think he has really shocked himself this time as his DS is really precious to him, quite apart from the financial cost of it. I'm not labouring it, but I am encouraging him to think about what happened, why it happened and what alternative safe actions are available to him. I'm also trying to get him to think about how he responds in anger to people as well as to inanimate objects.

My husband still sometimes destroys his own things, and we've talked about it a lot. In those moments he is trying to punish himself, there is just such intense pain inside he has to do something. Ultimately, it seems like the least destructive of all the things that he could do.

I do think there is a lack of being taught a better way involved, but it also seems so instinctive for some people. My son trained out of it right away, but destruction is still where my daughter (who I do think is inclined towards mood disorders) wants to go when things are crumbling around her.

What helps is making sure all the little frustrations are duly aired and dealt with, so it doesn't accumulate to boiling. My husband grew up in one of those don't complain, don't say anything bad, sweep it under the rug families, and the result was him just continually burying all his pain and frustration. But pain and frustration do not bury well, at some point it has to come out.

My daughter kind of does it to herself, it seems to me, trying so hard to be little miss perfect to the world, when the reality is there is a lot she just can't handle.

Which means, I guess, you deal with a bit like you do meltdowns. Watching for the accumulation of stress, encouraging mitigation techniques, etc.

I think electronic games are kind of a double edge sword for kids. Playing does not always make them happy, and they need to learn when it is time to walk away, to see that this moment is just not the right time to play. But with the ways so many of things have levels and ways of building on themselves, it can be really hard to pull out. Help your son learn to see that pattern in himself, and maybe learn to avoid games that are going to hold him in even when he really isn't having fun.

Yes, that's what I mean. DH and I have our own issues with anger that we're working through, but it's totally different from an adult standpoint than it is from kids' because the pathways have been there for so long and are much harder to change.

However, we do talk about how, since we are just like my son, we have the opportunity as adults to think through strategies and test them on ourselves. When DH and I are talking about it, I mention that if he can figure out the anger thing, we will be miles ahead of anything any therapist can suggest because his strategy will be specific to our genetics/family dynamic. Plus, we'll be able to model as well as teach.

But, for now, we slog away!

Well I think it is a good idea to have him replace it with his own money....however keep in mind he might also need some help with finding better outlets for his anger. I myself have thrown things in anger, and at the time I don't feel I really had control not to......so essentially something had to give and I ended up doing that.

So I would just be careful not to treat it like you would common mis-behavior, because this sort of anger can be very hard to control and the best thing I know of to do about it is find positive outlets to let it out maybe having him replace the DS with his money will help him understand the nessesity of learning coping stradegies. From what I've read it seems like he handled going without the DS for a wile alright.

But yeah I don't even get the impression your nessisarily punishing him, I mean it is an expensive toy and he did break it so he should have some responsibility. But yeah I know how difficult such anger can be to control but there are solutions to help with that. Not sure exactly what the best thing would be in your case but you could probably look up information on anger issues in kids and how to help them.

I do want to clarify one thing: I don't think we do much walking on eggshells. The biggest thing for us was to get my husband (and allow my daughter) to say when he's (she is) annoyed with something. He (and she) would just hold it all in, telling themselves it was no big deal, until it would all explode with some tirade and I'd be wondering where it all came from, why I didn't know that doing X was driving someone nuts. And then teaching there is a right and a wrong way to make those grumbles.

My husband still wants to condemn himself just for feeling the annoyance, as if no one is allowed to feel negative things. I had thought that was just how he was raised, but my daughter jumps to the same thing; the only one she is ever negative with is me, because she knows it is safe ... although channeling every grumble to just one person can definitely get to be too much. So I've obviously managed to teach her that I find it OK, but not how to extend it to anyone else ... sigh. And, honestly, my husband still can't, either, really.

Diversion is a great tactic. Something physical like taking a walk, getting in a work out ... those are what we go to when we start feeling like we have to walk on eggshells. I just excuse my husband from whatever chore he thinks he has to get done and tell him that I'll take over and he should go to the club, or something similar. He knows what it means - I can see the pain on his face.

I still do throw or break things out of frustration or anger sometimes. Even when I'm doing it, I know I shouldn't. My kids have done that too, especially my youngest son. He's likely to break something like a game when he's losing or at least slam it down. Now that he's 17 and he understands how hard it is for us to buy those for him and that he may go a long time before he gets another one, he's better about it.

I would just suggest what you have already done. Tell him that you aren't buying him another one, he has to buy it if he wants it, and that he's not allowed to play with any electronics or fragile things for a week or so (I'd give him a time limit that's long enough to bother him but not long enough so he forgets why he's not allowed to play with them).

I can tell you what goes through my mind now when I do something like that. It isn't just taking out aggression. I know that I could punch a pillow or something, but that's not what I want to do. I want evidence of the fact that I was pushed so far, in a way. I want to show physically exactly how bad it is for me right that second. Of course at the TIME, the stupid automated system is what "made me" break the phone, and I know while I'm doing it that in reality that it's just me feeling the need to. Most times I can stop it, because even while I'm doing it I know that I'm going to instantly regret it. It's only rarely now that I let it get so out of hand. Knowing about my AS really helped me understand why I do that and to actually recognize the thoughts and feelings that lead to the behaviors.

Being overwhelmed is what does it to me. My last major megameltdown was about two years ago. I was luckily, alone in the house when it happened. I was so completely overwhelmed by everything. I was having trouble in my marriage, I was having trouble with the school, financial trouble, so much stuff for me to do, the house was a mess, it was right after the break with my oldest son because of his crackhead baby mama, nobody would pay any attention to anything I said, especially about my emotional needs. Some little something or other happened, just one more crappy insignificant detail in my otherwise hellish day, and that was it. I couldn't hold it together any longer. I went ballistic. Now, I probably wouldn't have just "let go" if no one was here, but I did because no one was. Here is what I broke. In the kitchen; the toaster, breadbox, coffeemaker, some dishes, a chair, the thing hanging on the wall to put bills in. I picked all that stuff up and just threw it. Then I walked fast into my bedroom, knocking stuff off tables and walls as I passed, opened my closet and snatched down all my clothes and threw them in the floor, threw my shoes across the room, threw my knicknacks on the dresser, my jewelry box, opened drawers and threw things out, then the cherry on the cake was that I stood there and screamed "AHHHHHHHHH" and opened and slammed my bedroom door hard until the door frame came loose and it fell out against the opposite wall in the hallway. I somehow managed to pick up my door and THROW IT down the hall.

Then I got in bed and cried myself to sleep.

Try explaining that when everybody gets home.

Anyway, those are few and far between now, and after that one, I decided that I have to keep things in check. As much as when I'm doing it, it feels like I''m "showing the world how bad I feel because otherwise they wouldn't understand", I realize that I'm just being a distructive b****. A child doing something like that isn't, but an adult doing it, is. I try not to say this, because it's an excuse, but I honestly just COULD NOT HELP IT AT THE TIME.

Oh, I also pulled out a few handfulls of hair and scratched my face.

I did see the dotor for xanax shortly therafter too, to help me through the stressful times.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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