Am I wrong?

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Hi – I am new here. I registered because I am looking for opinions. A little background on me: I worked with Autistic children many years ago when I was a teenager (way before the term ASD was used) and these children required constant supervision and care. There was nothing there, blank stares, rocking back and forth, no speech, etc. Fast forward to my mid 20’s I started seeing lots of kids getting diagnosed with ASD or some variation. Curious, I started researching what it exactly was because thinking back to what Autism was defined when I was a teenager I noticed a few traits that the experts say children with ASD have like obsessive behavior, lining up toys, odd interests, walking on toes, arm flapping, socially awkward etc. I was surprised to see that I exhibited many traits of a child with ASD but I do not think there is anything “wrong” with me and I never required special education (although admittedly school was never my thing and it was like pulling teeth to get me to go to classes both in HS and college) but I did graduate from HS and college and do quite well for myself as an adult in my career path. I always knew I thought differently from most people. Things that a majority of people would understand immediately it took me awhile to get. Things that a majority of people would struggle with I could get immediately. I always found it painful to watch people work in my professional life because they do things so backwards (according to me) But with all that said, I do not think there is anything wrong with me. Yes, I had and still have odd interests and am not a social butterfly but that is just me.

Anyway, what brings me here isn’t about myself but it is about my daughter. She is 3 and she is a sweet, smart, loving child who walks on her toes and flaps her arms when excited. She has “odd” obsessions like with signs, numbers, clocks, ceiling fans….she lines up her toys, she shrieks when she is happy, she is very fearful of, loud noises, and things that wave in the wind (like flags or curtains). She is very smart, she can read, talk, converse, she has a very high vocabulary, a “photographic” memory and she interacts with her mother and I and other kids as well (although she is more of an observer than a participant in playtime with other kids). I do not think there is anything wrong with her. I fear she might be labeled as having ASD when she starts school. I do not want this for her. I know what it is like to be an outcast, and I do not want that for my daughter. I feel that the term “Autism Spectrum Disorder” is applied to kids that just might be a little different than the majority but they are still normal and just view the world differently. I feel that my daughter and I are by no means mentally impaired, but unique. Am I wrong? What makes us “normal” anyway? What is so bad with talking about ceiling fans or clocks for awhile? Again, I turned out okay as an adult. I am married, have a house, good job, so forth. Are we over-reaching with all this ASD diagnosis’s? We have to be careful how we label our kids, it will follow them for life. Would love to hear your thoughts…

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Parents' Discussion]

You are opening a huge can of worms here, I imagine a lot of the responses here are going to say any services/special classes etc the school may recommend for your kid (like social skills classes) will be for her own benefit.

Personally, I think I'd have been diagnosed with some form of ASD if they had been diagnosing it back then the way they do now. I was in special ed for first grade and was always socially awkward.

I've always wondered why "everyone else was so weird."

I turned out totally fine.

I think.

If your kid has ASD but is able to fuction great in the world, then she wont have any issues, no need for a label, etc...you may find that in elem school there are concerns, which can be addressed at that time! Dont stress yourself now, if you are stating that all is great, she is just a bt different, then who cares? We are all a bit different! Is she in school? Do the teachers have any concerns?

My kid was a lot like yours when he was 3, and he was great much better then he is now at almost 7...lol. You may change your tune if your bigger child is still having the same behaviors and all her peers are not. Just something to think about!

Just so you know, my son is labled ASD and he is far from an outcast. he has freinds, he is smarter then most kids years older then him, and EVERYONE who meets him is impressed with him, his sensitivity, his generosity, his sweet and gentle nature, etc...
the label has helped me understand my son, to know that he isnt being manipulative or purposely defiant, or unruly on purpose as some have suggested. It has helped me understand that I dont need to CHANGE him, that he is fine who he is. It has helped me guide him safely thru meltdowns, and sensory overload in correct ways. It has tought me to not take his outbirsts personally, it has tought me what a gift my sons accomplishments are, much more so then typical peers.

I think the way you feel about a label is how you see your child. I see the label as nothing more then a clue as to what makes my son work. My son is NOT his label, he is Jayden, my beautiful boy, who is smart, funny, sweet, a hard worker, a great freind and wonderful big brother, etc... who happens to have Aspergers. I guess I had to come to terms with my son having a disability since before birth, he was diagnosed with a cleft lip and palate. I HAD to accept that becasue my son was born with a hole in his face. He had a cleft. So, I quickly decided it didnt matter, I saw HIM not the cleft, it was just a part of who he is. Just as the Aspergers is a part of who he is. I love my son, scar on his face, cleft lip and palate, Aspergers and all. Wouldnt change my boy for the universe! The label is waht YOU make of it. no one in my life views my son as damaged or defective, and lord help the person who ever said such a thing to me....

Here's the thing: other than some obvious stuff (violence) I don't think there is anything "wrong" with my son, either. I think it's a gross overgeneralization to say that ASD = "something wrong" with your child.

I am an adult whose parents most likely prevented me from getting a diagnosis of something (ASD didn't exist as a diagnosis at the time, but I know a concerned teacher came to our house once) because they didn't think anything was "wrong," I "just needed to apply myself." I wound up a social outcast in school, and though I was an average student and went on to college, I didn't have much direction. I floundered around for a good portion of my life in the classic underemployed state of many people on the autism spectrum whose needs haven't been met. Even now, diagnoses are difficult to get, especially for adults - there are still many people who believe individuals with social disfunction should "suck it up." I wonder how much momentum humankind loses as the gifts of autistic people disappear while they wilt behind the counter at the local video rental store.

Had I received support for social skills, pragmatic speech, and executive functioning in school, I believe my life would have been different. I would still have struggled, but I would have been able to better understand why social interactions fell apart, and how to ask for help when I was being bullied. I might not have spent so much of my life dangerously depressed. Knowing what I know now, through my son's diagnosis, I am already able to make changes in the way I see things that help me interact better with other people. I understand now why certain situations make me panicky, and I can better explain and advocate for myself. I can also take better control of my strengths (which, admittedly, I was slowly learning to do before I learned about autism, but it's a lot easier now.) I understand that time to decompress is a need, not laziness.

All that being said, there are plenty of people who have the benefits of being on the spectrum without being disabled or disadvantaged. You and your daughter might well fit into this category: diagnoses should be very individual and supports offered based on the level of need.

Hard to say. Myself, although I am quite close to borderline autistic, I would not have wanted to be labelled ASD. My teenage son diagnosed high functioning autistic would be accepting of an ADD diagnosis but is not currently accepting of an autism diagnosis. He also does not want to associate with other ASD persons, even though he really has no proper friends now. Perhaps that is because of reactions to the differing diagnoses at school. I am not sure though that his classmates are specifically aware that he has been diagnosed.

On balance I think it is better that my son be diagnosed. He has always been different. Knowing that his brain functions differently is helpful to me in trying not to get cross with his extreme disorganisation. I think in time it will be helpful to him also. I may mention that although still at school he is also now in receipt of a benefit. That may have its own disadvantages (eg reliance on the state for welfare), but on balance I think it can help give him a leg up.

3 is still early to be diagnosing this, as 3 year olds are still just learning social skills, numbers etc -imho. My 3 year old stops to read numbers when he sees them. Nothing wrong with that at his age.
If you read up on coping skills to help aspies, and if your daughter ends up getting hampered by any Aspie traits... you could help her to overcome them when first they arise. If she has mild Asperger's she might never need outside help if you can provide it

Have to be careful how we label our kids- Let's say your daughter wanted to join the military (and you were okay with it, this is just an example). She would not be able to because of the label. So yes I agree in some ways labels are not the best, but in some ways that is the only way to get the help that is needed

Apparently, you have picked up the same bias against spectrum disorders that many NTs have. Retardation can occasionally occur as a comorbid with spectrum disorders, just like with those who don't have spectrum disorders. However, Autism spectrum disorders are NOT in themselves a form of retardation. I am not ret*d, and almost all of the posters here that I've read also appear to not be ret*d. And yes, I do know what retardation is like. There was a girl with Down Syndrome up the street from me when I was growing up. She was definitely ret*d, but not badly. Her biggest problem was a serious speech impediment, but even with that I could tell she was not badly ret*d. She was a nice girl. Not long before we moved away, I heard she was doing baby sitting work. That was several decades ago. I'm not worried about what happened to her, because she had several older brothers, and they were all a close family, so I'm sure she has had a good life. I've met several other ret*d people over the years. They have all been nice people. My own IQ is high average, and I read at a high level, but am not good at higher math. However, lots of intelligent people are bad at math.

People with classic Autism do have a hard time relating to the world, and are more likely to appear ret*d, even if they are not. However, much of what you described about your daughter is relatively normal behavior for a three year old. If she is on the spectrum, she is most likely at the Asperger's end of it, rather than at the classic Autism part of the spectrum. She has no speech delay, so she is unlikely to be at the High Functioning Autistic part of the spectrum.

I think you need to get over your bias against spectrum disorders. Granted, we are different, and life on the spectrum is difficult, but remember, we didn't choose this condition. We do however, have to live with it as best we can. In your daughter's case, that may mean some treatment programs to help her deal with any problems she may have. These problems often don't become as troubling until the start of school, or sometimes later, as preteens or teenagers. Just take things one day at a time. As long as she is not having a hard time dealing with things, all you need to do is some research. Should she start having problems, then it will be time to seek help. Just don't let your bias stand in the way of getting that help for your daughter.

From your description, your daughter seems like a wonderful child. You are lucky to have her. Now stop worrying so much and go play with her!

[Edited, by Mummy_of_Peanut, mod]

I just gotta say I am sad for autistic kids that in fact get treated as though there really is 'nothing' there.......I can only imagine how hellish it would be to have more severe autism and then be treated like I wasn't a person but rather just a shell, with no one even attempting to make some sort of connection with me.

Anyways based on your description it sounds like she could have AS......but keep in mind there are different severity levels of autism, sometimes there are comorbid conditions in addition to the autism. But yeah thing is when I was a kid I was not labeled as autistic......I know now I had autism and still do but yeah even without the formal diagnoses or anyone even relating my oddness to that I still ended up being an outcast because not having the diagnoses did not make the symptoms go away.


I feel like a better approach would be to look into it if she's showing signs, so that she can get some support with it.........rather then just feeling alienated, and wondering why some things are so difficult for her but no one understands. But that is just based on my childhood, there is also even a chance she doesn't have AS.

You could take this informal online Asperger's test to get an idea of how Aspie you are http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php As for whether or not to label and tell your daughter that depends on how well she's functioning in society, if she needs help you may need the label in order to get it. If she doesn't than don't bother putting a label on her but let her learn about it when she's old enough to understand, it's helpful to know that our eccentricities aren't imagined and we're not alone there are many out there who relate to our differences. And I don't think that we're over-reaching with so many ASD diagnoses, people who seem to be only slightly affected to the point where others would deny the diagnosis are much more likely to have children with more profound forms of autism. Most of the parents here with more classically affected children are Aspies many of whom do not have an official diagnoses.

I think the most important thing to realize is that the modern definition of ASD does not mean anything is "wrong" with a person, but it does alert teachers and caregivers to the fact that a child will perceive things differently than they would expect for an NT child, and that your child may need different types of explanations and discipline than a typical child.

Without that knowledge, it is very common for teachers and professionals to assume that an otherwise smart ASD child is being stubborn, lazy or a discipline problem, when the truth is the child really, truly, fundamentally does not understand. That gap is heart breaking to the child, and can lead them to check out at school, or simply give up even trying to behave. The frustration can come out in many negative ways.

It doesn't always play out that way, of course. Some kids get by fine without any extra help, and others can make do with a little extra help and understanding at home. Hard to know what you've got at this point.

I do think the label and services proved very important for my child, and the knowledge is a big part of why he is happy, self-aware, and proud of who he is - unlike most of our relatives we suspect of undiagnosed ASD, who have carried all sorts of frustrations and emotional issues into adulthood. If it will be important for your child, I do not know.

But, please, do not think of this label as indicating kids with whom there is something "wrong," or who will be endlessly teased and picked on. My ASD son at 14 is well respected among his peers and teachers, has as many friends as he wants (he doesn't want very many, people can drive him nuts), and is on a solid path to a creative career in computers, games design, science, or inventing.

I would say that 3 is probably a little early to establish a child's social development but don't disregard socialisation as insignificant - it is very painful for me to see that my son would love to play and socialise with other children and have a 'best friend' that he hears all the other kids refer to, but struggles terribly and basically needs to learn how.

I would love to shrug my shoulders and say, well I was a painfully shy child and had poor concentration and I suspect, dyslexia but I did Ok - but at the end of the day, I can't help but wonder how my life may have turned out differently had I had the support that I clearly needed. The fact is, in Australia, and I suspect in many countries, a diagnosis of ASD opens a few more doors than "socially awkward, quirky, bright child"