Things my Parents did right

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I'm finding this forum fascinating. So many things I can relate to here.

It hit me that my Dad did something that really helped me. I always had interests that I spent hours and hours studying. My Dad wanted me to apply some of that focus to my school work so he made it relate. He told me over and over that good grades in elementary school led to good grades in middle school led to good grades in high school which would get you into college. College would give me the opportunity to major in something more interesting. Then college, if I applied myself, would help me get a job that would get money for my interests.

In short, those stupid lessons in school eventually led to a job that lets me pursue MY passions. I LIKE controlling my own money because I don't have to spend in on stupid things like a couch but instead can spend it on what interests me. Also, until I started sleeping on a mat on a wood platform, I never realized how miserable a regular bed made me.

I plan to help my kids who are like me, and the NT as well, to understand that the stupid stuff the teachers want can pay off later in the freedom to save up and go to things like conventions where the whole weekend is all lectures on a topic YOU love to study.

Maybe I only had a few friends and maybe even they didn't really get me; maybe some teachers were real jerks; maybe some of the subjects were painfully dull and pointless, yes people were always bumping in the halls and the noise was bothersome, but as I approach 50 I am able to look back and say I'm glad I learned to do school well and work. My place ONLY has those things that please me and if my unconventional use of space bothers some NT persons, well, I don't tell them how to decorate their places and I refuse to allow them to criticize mine.

My only regret is that I didn't go for a bookkeeping degree right off and take a job that paid better; either that, or I wish I had stayed in college all the way to a phd in one of my interests. Being a professor would have been fun. More money would have meant more money for my interests though and I still think that might have been a good thing too. Still, I can tell my kids that those things you have to learn to do can be worth it when they make having your own place happen.

Nice success story. I'm about your age, and although things didn't turn out the same for me, I am okay with who I am. My parents did not know I was on the spectrum because Aspergers hadn't even been discovered when I was a kid. And I learned at a very early age to hide my stimming and the rest was chalked up to being really bright and very shy.

However, that being said, they did the best they could, and in retrospect, they did seem concerned about the right things, but didn't know how to add them up to autism. They worried because I had no friends and didn't seem to care. They worried because I never brought home any books or papers from school (but they didn't worry too much because the report card always showed A's in the academics).

I found my first "cues" in looking back at my first grade report card. Although we didn't have "grades" in a lot of academic subjects, most of the first grade report card appeared to be based on social development, of which I failed miserably. I had marks such as "does not pay attention, does not get along with others, does not speak up in class, focuses too much attention on her own activities, very bright but does not apply herself". Wow... today that would scream for attention from the psychologists! LOL

Anyway, as I said, I'm about the same age as you and I have a good job with a nice salary and good benefits because my Daddy taught me that when I do a job for somebody, they will give me money. And if I do a really good job, I can get more money. My Daddy also taught me that when I am being paid by the hour, it does not matter if I am saving the world or sweeping the floor, the pay rate is the same so I should do my best no matter how "important" the task may feel. That built in me a very strong work ethic that has served me very well.

I am intrigued by your comments about decorating your space, though. I am married to an NT and have NT kids, and I've furnished my home in the "traditional" manner, but I have often thought of what my space would be like if I didn't need to have stupid things like a sofa and an end table in the way. I would only have the things that I like and that make me comfortable and help me pursue my interests. For that, I commend you.

Thanks. I enjoyed reading this. My son is now 5. He has very strong opinions and desires for what he wants or how he thinks things should be. He is wonderful. I think someday he would like to live in his own place decorated with nothing but Legos, robots, and science books. And maybe one of those multi-layered anatomy 'human body' dummies (like from a science class). He will have no dinner table and will eat sitting on the floor. Always.
I have told him before that some of the things he works at that are hard for him to do will one day allow him to be whatever he wants.

Nice. I wonder sometimes how my own son, who is clearly not AS, would have turned out if he had had an NT mom. And I think your son's place of legos, robots, and science books sounds excellent!! ! LOL

Being who I am, my parenting skills were slightly "different" than those of my peers. My son was raised eating whatever he wanted for breakfast, which usually meant hot dogs. Personally, I am of the opinion that, if a particular food is good for one meal, it's good for any meal. At the time, I did not know I was AS, but I knew that I had my own way of doing things that was different from others, but my son turned out well.

Keep encouraging your son to pursue his interests. If you can relate success and work ethic to his interests, he will learn the value and go far.

I am so glad that I am not the only person who is happy with any food at any meal as long as it is healthy. I once got a call from the school where my kids attended because the teacher could not tell which part of their lunch was the main course. Lunch was a hunk of artisan bread, some butter in a baggie if they wanted it for the bread, some summer sausage in another baggie, grapes and apple slices, broccolli--raw, carrot sticks, sometimes some other veggie too, and their drink. It bothered the teacher that I didn't care which they ate first as long as they ate their lunch. My eldest asked for candy in his lunch and I asked why and he told me that he could trade chocolate chip cookies and other desert stuff he hated for the apples the other kids didn't eat and would throw in the trash. So I sent that with him too. Why must a healthy lunch be in the form of a sandwich? What I sent was healthy and they each ate all of what I sent every time. Anyway, no matter how often it is explained I really don't "get" why foods have to be assigned to particular times of day or be in particular configurations. I see it is considered important by NT's but I don't relate.

My hubby and I are totally in agreement with the total lack of convention with what is eaten when. He insists that every meal have a particular ratio of veggies to meat. It tastes good and is healthy so I let him make our meals. we never eat at the table. We socialize at the table but we eat in other places.

My older girl loves breakfast, and IHOP serves it all day and night. We liked that place because she liked breakfast. I liked it because I could get grilled cheese and didn't have to eat breakfast foods like eggs or pancakes which always feel icky on my tongue-- except for bacon which I love.

I made my own rules for my house. There are a LOT of book cases. I like mine in ash with a light finish and cupboard doors on the bottom section. Books above, plastic bins organizing supplies below and behind doors. My eldest slept in a recliner for a year before deciding to return to using a bed. I was Ok with that. I have a friend who sleeps on a mat on her floor and likes to roll her bed up and have that space empty during the day--I think that is really cool too.

I feel peaceful and comforted when I tend my books. I love to browse them, to read them, to re-organize them, to learn new subjects that are linked to other subjects and the older I get the broader the mix of books.

No couch. platform with mat rather than bed. Recliners in several places. Lots of natural light because reading with just artificial light is miserable for me. meals usually eaten anywhere except the kitchen table. Kitchen table is where we sit with visitors, enjoy beverages, conversation and company.

Getting older has been so good but I wish I had known about Aspergers back when I was raising the older kids. I just knew we were different. We'd talk about "normals" and how to relate to them. I like the term neurotypical better now that I know it. I love that we can call ourselves Aspies. I like having a single word to explain the differences and oddities in myself and my family.

I think I get along with NT's more and more as I get older because somewhere along the way I stopped apologizing for my oddities and I decided all the difference was just good. I find it easy to be tolerant as long as nobody tries to make me conform to the pattern they love.

One major big pet peeve though is when persons who are NT try to make stupid rules about what makes for a proper home-- as if not having a couch is a sign that you are somehow a danger to yourself or your family. It is just a lump of materials, a piece of furniture, not a moral imperative!

Eccentricities are not morally evil just because they are eccentric and yet it seems like our society tries to make the argument that such differences are symptomatic of being a danger to society. This attitude really angers me. So on my blog I periodically encourage people to rethink their spaces and what they think of as essential to that space. Even NT's can benefit from recognizing when a traditional piece of furniture is actually just taking up space they could use for something else. I think the NT tendency to stick with the culturally dictated furniture is bad for their mental health too its just that they don't notice it and we do.

In MY circle of friends calling someone 'weird' is a compliment meaning 'you are one of us' and 'long live the difference'! (granted the circle is rather small. My entire circle would fit around a single good sized dining table and it took almost 50 years to collect that many friends!) Currently we are passing books on aspergers around and marveling that there are others out there like us.


Knowing that I am "normal" for an Aspie is wonderfully freeing. I felt so abnormal my whole life. It is great to know now that it wasn't that I wasn't normal but that I was not NT!

I agree pretty much with what you say about school. Unfortunately, my Asperger's includes the trait of mental blocking or mentally rejecting stuff that doesn't interest me. I was able to fight my own system to some extent, but at the same time I was being given a hard time by the adults around me due to that mental block problem. This caused me to mentally resist the adults, too. It made me feel that I just wanted the adults and the stupid stuff they were trying to force on me, to go away. I was able to successfully force my way past the block on basic stuff, so I can do basic math, and some other non interesting subjects. Reading and history were interests of mine, and in high school--German, so I had less problems with them. I was able to force my way past my block when I chose to take a year of typing and a year of accounting in high school. Although I was not interested in these subjects, I could see a value in them to me. I felt that it would be useful to be able to type my own letters, and to be able to handle my own finances, so these courses made sense to me, even though I didn't care for them. Unfortunately, much of what they taught in schools was not only of no interest, but it was taught in as boring a way possible, and was also of no future value to me. I need to find a usefulness in an uninteresting subject in order to get past that mental resistance I have in learning it.

As for decorating, I agree with you on that. I don't let others dictate how I choose to furnish the place. I rent a trailer from my parents. When they bought it, they also bought some of the furnishings. I will eventually get rid of the living room sofa, as it's huge, and designed for a big man's seating dimensions. I am a short woman, so I never sit on it. I'd never be able to get back up. Right now, however, I have a bunch of stuff on it. My whole place is in need of organizing. Besides Asperger's, I also have Executive Function Disorder, so the place is a disorganized mess. I am debating with myself whether to replace the monster sofa with a two seater love seat or some storage shelves. I may go with the storage shelves, as I need more storage. I don't get much company, and do have some kitchen chairs they can sit on when they come over. Those aren't as comfy as a sofa or love seat, but for a hermit like me that's good. It will discourage the company from staying too long.

As for AngelGarden and her son, I want Legos, robots, and science books too, and I'm in my 50s. I had Legos as a child, and miss them a lot. I promised myself a while back, if I ever do get this place organized and cleaned up, I'm going to buy some Lego, and maybe one of those cute robots, too!

Sounds like you would have benefited from home school. I used the subjects my children wanted to study as unit study materials and we learned the subjects like grammar and vocabulary and spelling using material that was worth their time. My poor husband suffered in school as you did. He said that he used to wander and study the life cycles of all sorts of creatures in the mountains and then his parents moved to town for him to go to school and he said he knew that learning, for him, would stop until he could get out of school. If I had been his parent, he would have been assigned a notebook and we'd have learned reading and writing and note taking and everything by recording his own interesting studies.

My mom would take us out of school to go with Dad on business trips. She could run us through an entire weeks worth of school stuff in a couple hours a day for only half the days! All the rest of the time was focused on other things. She taught me that home school could be really good.

I agree school is boring much of the time. I spent two years getting a teaching certificate, thinking it could be done better. Problem is, the system does not allow for creativity in the classroom. The one teacher I met who used to do interesting things was deliberately moved from her large classroom to a small one to force her to stop the creative stuff because it made the other teachers look bad-- I hate the system.

So I did home school with mine. Not easy to do. However, we purchased workbooks from a private school and did the minimum per day to be able to demonstrate we were clearly hitting all the proper subjects, then the rest of the time we learned our skills by doing what interested each of us. I'd just say things like, "hey, I need another handwriting sample for the book" and each child would copy out a handwriting assignment of their own choosing from whatever they were studying. If they needed help, we'd find something they liked to copy. No need for dull books, use the good stuff!

My eldest discovered in college that the history classes on more ancient periods were all about material he already knew because we had no reason to limit how far an interesting subject could be followed. The only things actually grade level were the few workbooks we used to have something all traditional for anyone who might question our school.

The majority of skills can be learned as you go along learning something interesting-- so why make it dull?

My Dad used to ask me questions and if I didn't know the answer I had to go find it in the encyclopaedia. That was fun because I could sit in there and read as many interesting articles as I wanted as long as I eventually returned with the answer to his question. Grandma said she would be cleaning and find that there were encyclopedias missing from the shelf and she knew she could find them under my Dad's bed because he liked to take them to bed with him and read with a flashlight when it was really quiet.

I did well in school, I think, because I loved the library. Every week I spent an hour selecting books to read for the week. When I exhausted the books on my subject in the children's area, the librarian gave me permission to invade the adult stacks, and as I read through the books on my interest I discovered related subjects and kept widening my reading. All that reading was a good education. When I brought books back the librarian would ask me about each one of them, sometimes paging through and asking questions, and she would listen as I told her all about what I had read. She was the best. She listened and encouraged me to keep reading anything I wanted. Sometimes I think there are parts of my life that were simply charmed. Like the librarian at our public library.

I discovered in college that I could not take more than one subject in a particular area at a time or I would burn out on it and stop being able to learn. I also discovered I could keep myself learning the assigned materials better if I broke it up with art classes. I finished my masters with a perfect semester when I took private dance lessons in ballroom dance that semester. I have no clue why art or dance makes my brain study better but it does.

enough on that.

I have a lot of difficulty organizing too. It has been a problem always. I read a lot of books on organizing and they really don't help very much.

Then I realized I could group my stuff according to my interests. Books live on bookshelves. Plastic bins can live on bookshelves too. Sheet music falls off shelves, but put into a plastic bin and the bin put on the shelf and it stays nice. When I need something, I pull the proper bin-- I use clear ones so I can see inside-- and get what I need.

A few years ago I sat down and worked out on paper what interests were important to me. The books had to stay. The book cases are essential. But I like to sew skirts so I can have the comfortable skirts in machine washable natural fibers that I like to wear. So I have a category for sewing that over-laps into my history studies (I'm learning about fabric, and embroidery, and clothing for around 1000AD Byzantium for my persona in the society for creative anachronisms-- sort of my grown up outlet for my love of playing dress up and costumes as a child)-- the sewing machines and bins of materials are important. I like music, so there are bins of CD's where I store new CD's after I add them to the computer. That way when the computer inevitably fails me, I can pull the CD bins and load all my favorite music onto the new computer.

My house is still kinda a disaster, but I can find stuff better. I got rid of things having to do with things I don't care about. I don't have endless abilties to keep track of stuff, so I have my set of interests which overlap and yet are quite diverse. These I organized. Bit by bit I try to get rid of anything else.

I've read about that Executive Disorder thing. It sounds like my problem with keeping organized. I'm better than I used to be. It helped so much to recognize when old passions are done. I pared down to a single bin my marionette making supplies, stored the bin of tools in case I want them again, but got rid of the bits and pieces of stuff that were not worth keeping. It feels good to know I still have my tools and books and can do marionettes again if I want but it all fits on book shelves and in a bin in a closet.

A friend showed me how to keep projects in a bin. And tools in a bin separate from the individual projects. That way, no matter which project I pick up to continue, the tools needed are in their own bin waiting for me. I work hard to cultivate the habit of putting everything back into its bin. I wish I were a tiny bit OCD about putting stuff back because sometimes I forget and cannot find something when I need it and that upsets me. Habits are terribly hard to make and totally easy to lose.

Does everybody who finds out they are Aspie and finds a place like this with others who are also Aspie spend their initial time here running around going WOW oh WOW people like me, people who can understand me, people who might actually be Ok with me?

I feel a little strange it is so exciting to talk on here and read people talking about stuff that is similar to my experience of being.

I know I am talking too much but I am so excited to find this place that I am going to let myself ramble a bit more than I would normally. I think it is OK to do that here-- am I correct?

I am so glad my son's school doesn't bug me about the "main course" in his lunch. My son will not eat "mixed foods" except pizza and grilled cheese, and a cheeseburger with no condiments or veggies--none of which are not at their best when the cheese congeals. So everything I send is a "deconstructed meal."

The last thing I would get my underwear in a bunch about is what meal he eats when. I am happy if he gets the nutrients he needs. That is the main thing about diet.

LOL... I felt the same way... all my life I've been the odd one out, the one who didn't "get it". I was really smart so "ret*d" was out, but they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Thanks goodness I wore glasses or the name calling might have had to take on more creative forms. Four-eyes was sufficient.

And then to come here and find a whole society of my own species!! !

I didn't get the benefit of home-school, but I did take advantage of the opportunity to home school both of my boys through part of their school time. Neither of them are Aspie and both wanted to be in the school system, but since the system failed to educate them, I had to help them out along the way. We did like you and made interests the source for learning. We did practical math by going to the grocery store with x amount of cash. We must buy everything on the list, and then if there is any left over, we can have a treat. It encouraged them to compare prices, calculate unit pricing (since this was before the store did that for you), and take advantage of sales and coupons. We almost always got to eat out after going grocery shopping. Once in awhile, one of them would choose a toy for their reward, but there were rules on the toys too... they had to have some value (teach a skill, make something, etc.). The boys got the opportunity to develop sales pitches and marketing skills by convincing me that the toy they wanted DID have educational value! LOL

I too am an organized/disorganized mess. My stuff doesn't look neat or organized, but I know exactly where everything is. I take mental pictures of my stuff and I can flip through those and find most things I'm looking for. I used to be so ashamed to have people come over to my house and I would make a huge fuss out of trying to make everything appear as though Suzie Homemaker lived in my house and didn't have a 50+ hour a week job and two cats who shed everywhere. But I finally grew up enough to realize that I was killing myself and nobody was fooled anyway. No matter how much I cleaned up the house, I seem to always miss "neat" by a point or two... same goes with my personal appearance. I'm always clean and sufficiently groomed, but I hate all makeup and so I don't wear any. And sometimes I forget to brush my hair. I do wash it every morning, and most mornings I brush it out, but sometimes I forget. My clothes always match (but not my socks), and they are always clean, but sometimes I miss a button or have a stain or usually my stuff is just a little wrinkled. I just don't have the mindset for spiffy grooming. I figure if I show up with all the appropriate body parts covered, everything clean, and I smell okay, that's the best they can hope for. Nobody chooses to be with me because I'm a fashion queen anyway. I would be bored with them in a heartbeat. My friends love me for how my mind works.

Welcome to the club. Somebody on another thread was ranting about why do we Aspies treat having a disease like being in some sort of club... then answer is because we FINALLY found a place where we fit in after (for some of us) nearly half a century of NOT. Hell yeah, it's a club. The first one that seems to be unable to kick me out as a member. LOL

My hubby, whose teachers wanted him sent to a school for the ret*d, would never believe that the boy they disliked so much and considered so stupid became a physicist and got his doctorate for his work in lasers. He says the books by Heinlein inspired him. Hienliens teen heroes inspired him and many of the guys he met in physics. Like Have Spacesuit, Will Travel, the kid wanted to get off planet, won an old spacesuit in a contest and set about learning how it worked and finding parts and repairing it and making it work for him-- and thus began his adventures. My husband said it gave him the idea that anybody could do that with anything.

The teachers, kids, and other adults bullied him so much as a kid that in third grade he debated the merits of killing himself and saving the world from having to support such a useless person. I am very glad that he decided that even if he were stupid he was not so stupid that he could not work hard and never be a burden to society, and that he found pleasure in the world and so it was worth the effort even if other people always hated him.

I love his doctoral diploma. It is the last laugh against people who were unable to see what an incredibly brilliant person he is. But he is indeed unique considering he never scores even normal on IQ tests, but has a doctorate for his physics work. I insist that for some Asperger persons, their way of looking at the world is so unique (an asset in his work) that there is no way to do well on IQ tests unless you learn to do what I did, which is figure out what sort of answers were wanted and then translate for the test. I may see several ways to answer a question, but I can remember sitting at a test and asking myself what level answer did the tester want? Get the level right and you knew how to answer the questions to score well. He does not play the game, he considers it dishonest.

It is like with genetics. There are people who ask questions about the results of genes as if the blueprint created by the egg and sperm were the whole story-- except environmental effects beginning in the uterus determine how the MANY switches will be flipped and influence heavily how that genetic blueprint is expressed. The food eaten, stress levels, even climate, will influence the expression of that code. This complexity means that most questions about which genes do what are overly simplistic and will not, in practice, act exactly alike in each situation. It is like the blueprint for a house, six people choose it and then choose builders, and subcontractors, and make decisions about which materials they want, and the end result began with the same blueprint but the end product, while quite similar, is still different.

I think the questions on the IQ tests are flawed when testing brilliant persons like my husband. It makes me wonder how many unique minds are wasted because of a dumb test that gives the educational system an excuse to neglect their development?

Very well put regarding the IQ tests. I scored well, but like you, I figured out the game and I know how to respond appropriately. I think that is something that Aspie girls do better than boys... we excel at decoding at least the surface tension and can mimic "normal" behavior and responses much better than our male counterparts.

It used to be, when I prepared for company (something I do NOT like to do, but my NT hubby keeps dragging people home to meet momma), I would stand back and look at the room as though I were looking at a magazine picture. If it looked "normal", then its all good. Of course, after cleaning up my chaos, it took me a week to get things back to where I like them and know where they are again.

So I finally learned to quit doing it. If people don't like my chaotic mess, they do not have to come to my house. I didn't want them there anyway. The people I do enjoy having over, don't care about the mess and understand that it is my stuff and that's where I want it. I know they don't care and so there's no tension or embarassment over it.