Is this correct/okay?

Post Reply New Topic

More importantly, are they correct?
So this is going to be somewhat awkward question wise.
A bit of background: I am a male student currently away at college. I have Aspergers, diagnosed a few years ago, though I had suspected for several years before. I grew up in a single parent home (mother). Anyway, the main point. I want to know whether these are true or not. I was told to go see a therapist, who told me they where *** and it constitutes psychological abuse? But I can see why they were said. So now I am very confused.

Here they are a few in no particular order:
*People like you are the reason why relationships fail and our country is going downhill! (I tend to avoid and cut off people, especially family)
*People do not care about you/what you think, they only care about themselves. (I have yet to have someone convince me this is wrong)
*You are just trying to be difficult, so your opinion does not count. (Paraphrase of multiple situations when I have a different opinion and oldest here - I kind of have a habit of discussing something from an opposing view/edging on people for curiosity sake which she does not like, but sometimes I really do not agree)
*You are only having these problems because you want to have them. (My Aspergers randomly is accused of this)
*You have to adjust your communication so that people understand what you mean vs. Stop twisting my words! (Again paraphrase and massive hypocrisy so now I do not know what to think about her though she does kind of remind me of a bobble head)
*Why aren't you smiling? You have no reason to be unhappy!
*I would be surprised if you even got accepted with your personality. (In regards to my college. Again, I tend to shrug off people, am incredibly stoic, and can be an arrogant jerk at times mixed with communication issues)

There are others I do not remember right now, but yeah. Are they right or wrong? I had confronted her about some of them, which she apologized but then said I deserved it.

Those types of statements are said by someone who does not know how to handle their own pain and emotion. They are statements of anger and frustration inappropriately expressed. Yes, they are abusive, and in being so say much more about the person making them than they do about the person receiving them. This type of abuse isn't always made with an intent to harm, but the harm results, none-the-less. It comes from a place of pain and a deep down need to have more control than actually exists.

It is hard when that comes from a parent, especially one who has been in a situation that you have a lot of sympathy for. You can love the person while recognizing the toxic behavior for what it is, and learning how to protect yourself.

You can't trust your mom to have properly identified your issues, but it sounds like you have some sense of what your issues may be, and I hope you will continue to work on those with your therapist. Be honest with him about everything.

Best of luck, and I am sorry you have had to face that kind of abuse in your life. No one is a perfect parent, we all bring our own baggage into the job, so please remember that everything said in those statements is HER issue, not yours.

Yeah I would say that could constitute psychological abuse...I mean those things certainly aren't true, and if your mother thinks they are then I think it may be her with the issue in this case. I guess I can't understand why parents would want to say things like that to their kids, can't say my mom's never done it and yeah I don't really get it. I mean even when I am angry at my family members I don't try to make them feel bad about themselves.

II have been there, myself. I don't have a good answer, other than this kind of stuff is very, very painful and I am very sorry you have to deal with it at all. I comfort myself by working VERY hard to be a better parent to my own son than my parents were to me.

*People like you are the reason why relationships fail and our country is going downhill! (I tend to avoid and cut off people, especially family)
*People do not care about you/what you think, they only care about themselves. (I have yet to have someone convince me this is wrong)

One point I will make: I am only responding to your paraphrase and your perception of the questions. There may well be information we are missing.

You are just trying to be difficult, so your opinion does not count. If you have Aspergers, it is easy to misconstrue genuine difficulty in understanding as a deliberate attempt to derail conversation. Your mother may genuinely be unable to grasp that you have a unique way of understanding language and social interactions. This does not mean that blaming you is OK, though - and it also might mean she will never understand.
You are only having these problems because you want to have them. Yes, my mother used to say "you are 'making theater'" She didn't understand (which is reasonable given we are different) so she used that as an excuse to dismiss me (not a reasonable response.) Again, you have very little power over whether she understands or not.
You have to adjust your communication so that people understand what you mean vs. Stop twisting my words!
Why aren't you smiling? You have no reason to be unhappy! Again, she just doesn't understand and unfortunately you can't make her.
I would be surprised if you even got accepted with your personality. Another method of not understanding that autism is not a choice, but a way of being different.

You are right, there is a grain of truth in what she says: your life will be easier if you learn some techniques to make sure you are communicating what you intend to when talking to NTs. However, her way of looking at things is a bit like expecting someone to learn to speak a foreign language perfectly without any trace of an accent overnight.

It takes time to learn, and it is OK to accept that you will always have some quirks - and choosing which quirks are acceptable and which ones you want to change is YOUR choice and no one else's.

I hope this made sense and helped you. Again, I am sorry; this sounds like a very painful situation.