my son...

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I have written posts here maybe about similar issues, but I am just trying to figure him out and how his mind works and how to best get thru to him.

He is 7yo, HF Aspergers. We are on vacation from school for the holidays, and vacations always mess him up. While he LOVES them, the lack of structure and routine, the change in our routine, and throw family sickness which futher changed things...he is a mess.

My issue is that he doesnt respond when you talk to him. If I just talk to him, he whines, cries and moans about whatever it is. If I say come eat please, or lets get dresses, etc...he will whine, cry, not answer me at all, or demand to do it later or have me or someone do it for him. the only way to get him to get up and respond to a request is by threatening to remove his video game. He then gets upset and cries. I try to point out that if he would repsond the 1st or 2nd time, there would be no threats and no need to cry, but he just doesnt get it. Now, lord help the person that doesnt respond IMMEDIATELY to his request. MOM, Mom, mom, mom, mom,...over and over. he wants INSTANT gratification at all times, but cant understand that we too want him to respond in a timely mannar.

He will ask me for water, if I am busy in the bathroom, taking care of his sick sister, cooking dinner, etc...if I say, "one moment" he will whine and cry. I say, "you can either wait for me to finish or get it for yourself" he will whine and cry about that too.

I just feel there is no winning here.

The other issue is he is sooooooo slow at doing antyhing, except video games. He needs step by step constant reminders that he is doing something, getting dressed, brusing teeth, eating, putting away a game, etc..it takes him 5x as long ans I dont know why. He can dress, it just takes so long. He gets so distracted. His karate sensei pointed it out to him, that he need to work on responding faster to requests, I said to the sensei that is a goal we work on at home too. His OT has the same issues. he is so slow and so dependant on others to tell him what to do or keep him on task. Not that he doesnt know what to do, he just gets distracted.

So, how do I get him to understand he needs to respond and comply at least SOME of the time, without me having to threaten vidoe game removal all the time, to which he then cries. I hate this cycle but he doesnt respond to anything else.

ideas???

Sounds like theory of mind issues: he can only see it from his perspective.

I remember working with my son on these things from a variety of angles. One is the social stories, constantly talking about the issue outside of the moment, and trying to find new ways to explain it to him, hoping that something would eventually make sense to him and stick. Who knows if that worked or he simply matured, but he did eventually "get" it.

Another is a timing plan. Requests can be made through designated systems depending on the situation, with the systems discussed and understood in advance. A visual timer can help, with check-ins at designated intervals: 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1 minute, count down. Discuss with him what is a reasonable amount of time to disengage from a video game, and plan accordingly. Discuss with him what a reasonable consequence would be. It won't work all the time, but when he's agreed to it, you can remind him that it has been discussed and agreed to, and he should either eventually get with the program, or help you come up with reasonable modifications.

A lot of things are difficult at this age because kids can feel so overwhelmed with what seems like a world they don't understand and can't control. So their response is to try to control it. It takes a long time to learn that it no only doesn't work that way, but that they aren't actually happier that way.

Video games do add additional complication because many of them are addictive, and the kids don't understand the hold the game has over them, how playing isn't actually making them happy. Talking about that and getting them to understand how this choice can uniquely be an issue is an additional approach I recommend. We ended up posting big signs with "screen" restrictions when it got out of hand in our house - with our (more or less) NT daughter. And also had to enforce some breaks where she could re-discover what fun really meant.

Good luck.

Just a quick reply as should be working just now!

Your post made me realise how much my son has changed as he has got older. He's now 11 years old, and when he was 7 he was exactly like your son, and I was pretty much experiencing the same frustrations and "aaaaaargh" moments that you are now.

He's still a bit like that, don't get me wrong, but reading your post, I realised that now I hardly ever say, "do what you're told/asked, when you're told/asked!". That used to be my constant refrain, and it never seemed to make any difference to him!

My advice would to keep at it, but try not to let it get to you. I went on a National Autistic Society Help! Course for parents and they suggested counting slowly to 6 after asking or telling your child to do something. They reckoned that the 6 second time lapse was often, not always, enough, and better than keeping repeating instructions. I was sceptical, but it did help.

Hopefully, as your son matures things will improve. And in a few years time you, like me, will read a post like this, and think, " Wow! I remember that!"

this is down to his ego maturing. He still thinks he is the axis of the universe.

he will grow out of it but he is typically defiant and does like being told what to do - ego again

Stage of Development
Sensorimotor
0 - 2 yrs. Object Permanence
2 - 7 yrs. Egocentrism
7 – 11 yrs. Conservation
11yrs + Manipulate ideas in head, e.g. Abstract Reasoning

It may be that he can't handle vacations yet. Going from a highly structured day to a totally unstructured day could be a mess.

I would suggest trying to maintain some structure.

My daughter is very similar. Ever since she was small I have learnt that if I need her to do something it is best to allow her some time and give her a warning much as DW suggests. I also find that with activities that require some organisation, like getting herself dressed and ready for school in the morning (she's nearly 11 so can do this herself) I do need to check in on her every so often and remind her what she is supposed to be doing because she does tend to get sidetracked otherwise and will easily take an hour just to put her clothes on if left to her own devices.

It can be stressful on occasion if my own lack of organisation means I am in a rush, but most of the time I just accept that that is what needs to happen and allow sufficient time.

Incidentally I can relate to some of it. My husband has learnt over the years that timing is everything when he makes a request of me. At the beginning of our relationship he used to ask me to do things when he wanted them done and we used to end up rowing before we worked out that it wasn't what he was asking that was upsetting me but that I couldn't cope with a sudden change to my expected schedule / mindset. Now he usually gives me a bit of notice about things and its much easier all round.

I find a slow backward countdown from 5 to 0 very helpful when I make a request. If appropriate, I will list a consequence as well. "Please do abc. If I get to 0 I will xyz. 5, 4, 3..."

Have you considered some sort of reward system to give small rewards whenever he does something *without* whining?

I don't have much experience or knowledge of this, but there is something I think could help with his trouble getting ready in the morning efficiently, or completing tasks like brushing his teeth.

It could be useful to have a large poster put up in his room with a step by step routine for the mornings, so he sees the tasks as part of a sequence that he can refer back to. If you worked with him to come up with a morning routine in list form (wake up, put on clothes, eat breakfast, brush teeth, etc), then put it up in his room with a big poster that might help him stay on track and make the process less overwhelming for him.

Good luck-this sounds very frustrating.

Oh my~ all I can say is this is exactly us right now. All of it. So I will be reading all of the responses as well! My son has been having a major meltdown every bedtime. He hates change and vacation means change.
It's also resulting in more of the non-answering, not responding to requests/slow behavior. Dragging feet and opposing everything. His way of resisting the small changes.
You are not alone. Don't have any answers. Frustrated too...and sad for my ds as he causes himaelf so much angst because of this.

For us, positive reinforcement works best...for instance:

You can play video games after you are ready for the day.

We found "stop doing what you want to go do something you don't want" not at all effective. We always try to think from his perspective of "what's in it for me", what is the benefit at the end.

This also works best when there are planned breaks in the gaming, so you can insert another non-preferred task. So always taking a break at 12 and then getting video games after lunch and an hour of playing outside.

We never punish for our son not wanting to do those other things,or doing other stuff instead. However, gaming (or whatever is important at the moment), comes after the must do thing is done, whenever that may be.

we do the gaming after important things, but he still doesnt want to do anything or is defiant or non compliant or will comply but whine and moan and ask a milllion WHYs or YOU DO IT, or get it for me, dress me, feed, me, etc...so I ues his vodeo games as leverage cause thats ALL he cares about in life.

Its just tiring and these school vacations youd think would be EASIER and less stress, but it is ALWAYS worse.

I can so relate to your son. I understand where he is coming from but I cant explain it. I can hear the ADHD in your description though, i live with another kid with ADHD and he is like that too with getting ready etc. I used to take hours to get ready for school in the mornings - some regidity in the order i did things, not handling change well (e.g. A non routine school activity)and getting very distracted didnt help. What got me sorted and what has helped the ASD kid i live with is having to deal with the natural consequences of not doing things. Im probably a fairly extreme example in this sense but at age 7/8 if I didnt make my lunch, i didnt have food for school, if i didnt get myself ready in time i dealt with being late etc. By age 10 i was starting to take over management of the medical side of my life. I learned to live without support, get myself where i needed to be etc however the long term impact of that on me has not been good so i hope you find better balance in this area not the extreme i was in. Now, age 20, i am finding what works really well for me is sitting down with someone to work out together what needs to happen then i figure out with their guidance how to get it all done - probably not a suitable strategy for a 7yr old. I guess what im saying is i understand where your son is coming from, no easy answers but some greater awareness of consequences on himself and others may be useful (a previous poster said something about theory of mind?) and i hope it gets easier as he gets older.

Another idea is a visual timesheet with pictures of what needs to be done.
I use to use a weekly A3 sheet with Mon to Sun with columns for each day. I would have pictures of what needs to be done. Depending on the age and what you think your child is up to depends on what pictures you need.
You can also have a little board with what needs to be done first and then the reward, game time etc. Food for thought

Late to the party but I'll throw in my 2 cents.

My 7yo boy works really well if I sit down and tell him the things I need him to do in the order he needs to do them.

I then have him repeat them back to me to make sure he heard and understood them.

Then I pull out an egg timer and tell him, I think you can do the first thing (get yourself dressed, for example) in 10 minutes and let him set the timer.

He's then off like a shot and usually does the thing in half the time.

I ask him what was next and and then he sets the timer for the next thing (brush your teeth, put away toys, clear the table, etc) and so on.

I think the clear list of tasks, followed up with a clear indicator of the time in which to do them helps him stay quite focused. I requires a lot more "up front" preparation from me - more than I sometimes have the energy for. But the alternative is whining, stalling, distractions etc

We still have issues when he needs something from us and we're engaged in other tasks, telling him to set the timer for us allows us to better schedule a stopping point for what we're doing. And he's also getting old enough to do more things for himself, thankfully.