My 3 yo is going through some big changes

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In the last 2 weeks or so, his language seems to really be coming in. It actually wasn't the way I expected it to, but I am happy it's coming in. For example, if he is doing something that he doesn't want me to see, he will come and hold me and say, "Mommy, go sit down". He will also tell his little sister (who is 1.5 yo an already bossy), "Don't do that ...!" or tell his older brother "..., let's go play on the computer".

He also picked up this habbit that anytime his little sister cries, she needs a slap. Wherever he is and he hears her, he gets up, runs over, and tries to slap her. We have told him so many times that he needs to hug her that he comes up with this compromise. He tries to slap her very gently (really, just a touch) and then he asks her "Are you OK? Don't worry, let's hug". For the life of me, I have no idea why he thinks he needs to slap her since none of the kids are slapped (maybe once in a blue moon for the 6 yo).

He has also picked up the habbit of doing a really bad pretend cry so that he can get hugs. I hug him already in abundance and there are tmes when he will just come up and hug me. I have no idea why he thinks he needs to pretend to cry to get a hug. He and his sister are also very territorial over me and try to nudge each other out of my arms when I hold them both. He also really likes my attention and will get upset if I don't immediately give him attention. He is still arkward around strangers but will say a cherry "Hi" to them when he sees them. He also has this thing that he likes to lay down on the walkway when we come home from an outing. He is really cheery about it though and will hop up and come inside when I tell him to.

We also were able to test out why he was running away and we realize he wasn't just accidentally wandering off. He was watching to see when we were not looking, then when he realizewe were looking away, he took off out the gate. So he knows he should not run away, but he just wants to.

At first I was thinking maybe mild classic autism, then the teacher suggested that he may have mild aspergers. But now I think he may have mild PPD-NOS. What do you think?

I think at this age, it will be very hard to get that diagnosis accurately. You are describing controlling and repetitive behavior, while it is cute in a 3yo, it wont be when he is 6...believe me I have one...lol. I made the same mistakes with my son, so glad that he was talking that I did whatever he said, well, maybe that is why he is such a control freak today? WHO KNOWS....lol.

I wouldnt hug him if he does pretend cry, but teach him to say, "can I have a hug?" instead. Or give him a hug when you see him behaving nice, etc...

It can be hard when they are first learning to speak and we are so excited to have that language, to find a fine line in encouraging the language while NOT encouraging controlling or negative behaviors!

Sounds like he is making great strides in speaking, you must be excited abou that

MMJMOM - thanks for your reply. You are right, I am very excited about him talking. I wish I understood why he wants to slap his sister though. That behavior has started about 2-3 weeks ago. I am hoping that it will go away, like the hean butt tantrum phase. It is phasing out a bit though. I will add that his sister is very bossy and will tackle him at the drop of a hat. She will also tackle her 6 yo NT brother, she has no respect for size.

I will def ignore the fake cry. I felt bad because it's hard to turn him down when he wants a hug. I will just tell him what he needs to say.

The special ed teacher that comes to our home says that he needs to say "Mommy..." to get my attention. So, when I don't acknowledge him because he doesn't say "Mommy..." he gets upset. I know part of that is frustration, more so than control but we have actually seen improvements with him calling our name to get our attention. I think I will just have to modify that by answering him with "I want you to say 'Mommy...'".

I think he also likes to lay on the walkway because he likes to look at the clouds. I don't see him stimming though so maybe he just likes clouds. Or, maybe he likes the warmth of the walkway, or the texture of the ground, or maybe it's his way to destress. I am not sure. I usually have him get up when it's convenieint for us (i.e. we are going inside) but this doesn't bother him.

How did your son show the need to control when he was 3? I am not recogniznig any controling issues. I also just asked his teacher about it (I am home and he is home with his teacher, they just took a bathroom break) and she hasn't seen anything as yet. I would like to nip it in the bud, if possible.

Sweetleaf - Thanks for the reply, very insightful. Regarding the sentences, it's not so much that they are demanding, as, they are ACTUAL sentences! What I mean is, he is actually stating what he wants us to do. That's really big for us. He is not really pushy about it, it's just, if he wanted his brother to pull out the computer so he could watch, he would say "comqutor" and that would be it. Now, he is using a sentence. That's a big leap for my little guy. If he wanted me to sit, he would try to lead me to the chair and get me to sit. Now, he can actually say it. I don't know if he will get pushy with it in the future, but for now, I am just excited that he can initiate those commands. Sorry if I wasn't clear before how far he has come in such a short time. When he tells his sister "don't do that", its usally in response to her tackling him or something like that. If he is sitting on the ground, she tries to climb on the back and take him to the ground or if he is laying on the ground, she sits on him. I told him to tell her that so he doesn't retaliate. Yes, my 1yo is sweet, but she is a terror. She is also small for her size so I don't want her to be meek either.

Regarding routines, he actually seems to be opposed to them. The sitter and I have been trying to put him on one, since their are other kids in the house, no it's a no go. The only thing we have gotten him to do as a routine is stay with his teacher for the couple hours he she is here. We are also trying to get him to open the door for her, greet her, close the door when she leaves and say bye. Most times he does it but sometimes he doesn't. She does have repetitive behavior though and that is with his stimming with his fingers in front of his eyes.

His little sister is the only one he tries to slap. They have a love-hate-love relationship. They are very close, as little as they are, but the tap is slap (usually on her leg) is something I want to stop. Right now we just watch him and tell him to hug her instead of slap her. But even sometimes in the hug, you will see his fingers tap her.

Your son sounds a lot like my son did at age 3. He's now a relatively well-adjusted teenager, and I had no idea either of us had AS until recently. But since I'm an aspie, also, I had a few instincts about how to work with his behaviors which I can now say seem to have worked well.

He learned to talk at age 3 also, and became a little out of control right around then. I started using very firm, clear, consistent consequences for misbehavior. I adapted Magic 1-2-3, a discipline method that has some books written about it, and I think maybe a video, also. So, anytime my son would misbehave, I would say "that's one," and if he kept at it, "that's two." You get the picture. The trick comes at "that's three." He needed absolute consistency in the consequence (at that age, a three-minute time out). That meant that if we were in the grocery store, we were finding a bench and having time-out. Also, he frequently melted down when we got to "three." So I would hold him on my lap during the meltdown, frequently epic, and calmly keep reminding him that time-out doesn't start until he can sit calmly. It was a hard few months, but in the end, he learned to really respect the 1-2-3 method. When he started school, I started counting down from 5, since they often did that at his school, and consistency is incredibly important for him. I think the predictability of the system made it work well for him. He knew exactly what would happen if we got to "three," or, later, "one." It was very routine. Eventually, he became a very well-behaved kid, albeit one who needed a lot of structure and routine in order to maintain those behaviors. We got to the point that I could catch his eye from across a room and discretely start counting down from five with my hand, giving him the chance to change his behavior without embarrassing interventions from mom.

Occasionally he can still spin-out a bit, and on rare occasions I still count down from 5, which still works. I think once he got the system in his head, it stuck permanently. A few other things that seemed to work well for his aspie brain as he got older:

Choices: You can wear a raincoat or carry an umbrella, but it's raining so you have to choose one.

Logic: Bacteria multiply on hands, and in large enough quantities, they can be rejected by our bodies which know that the bacteria are bad for them. Our bodies reject things by throwing up. So wash your hands after you poop to prevent throwing up.

Star Wars analogies: Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker come in really handy when it comes to teaching morals to aspie kids.

One last note, though, is that it is extremely important to differentiate between misbehavior related meltdowns and meltdowns that actually necessitate that something be addressed in a child's environment. What I outlined works great for misbehavior, but would be terrible to use in certain situations, and it can sometimes be hard to figure it all out, since AS kids are so sensitive to environmental factors. I wish I had understood AS better when my son was little, I think things would have been easier for both of us. But somehow we got through it, and now he's a quirky, happy, teenager.

Congratulations on your son learning to talk, by the way! And good luck with the terrible threes! I kind of think that the terrible two's don't really exist, or just don't apply to aspie kids.

Pipilo - thanks so much for your reply. I am happy that your son is a happy healty teenager. I hope that my son is like that when he is that age. He is pretty laid back now when it comes to routines. I am hoping he will be able to follow them when he goes to school. He actually hasn't had a meltdown so far. I wasn't sure if his tantrums (which he doesn't have too often) were meltdowns so I had the special ed observe him and she assured me it wasn't a meltdown. What he actually has is more emotional immaturity. He cries for things that would moderately upset a NT child. Then, he wants you to hold him and then after a couple minutes he is fine. I am aware that if I am not careful, I will be raising a "mama's boy" who is overly indulged. I will have to slowly untie the apron strings. Not sure when I will start doing that though.

I LOVE that 1-2-3 technique and counting down from across the room. My NT 6 yo got the "I am watching" you line and it worked well for me. I tried that with my 3 yo and it didn't make a dent. I will be trying that 1-2-3 technique. Since he starts school in Sep, do you think I should start now or wait and see what the school rules are and start then? He is going to a special ed school in Sept.

I'd say start now, to get him used to a system of clear consequences, so he doesn't have too much culture shock when he starts school. Maybe you could contact the school and find out what they use for classroom discipline?

I can't give any insight into the the sibling slapping issue, as we only have one child, but a lot of the rest sounds very familiar. There were sounds, words, songs etc that my son did not like (were problematic from a sensory point of view etc.), and he used to (when he was very little) slap my mouth to shut me up. Naturally, I taught him not to do that, and gave him an alternate signal to let me know when my vocalizations were annoying him. I didn't always stop what I was doing (like if I was in the middle of a conversation with someone) but when it made sense I would refrain from singing or whatever. Either way I would tell him that I appreciated letting me know without hitting.

When he became more verbal, he would be more blunt and communicative and again, I would have to teach him how to rephrase (or say please, or whatever) to soften it. This is a good phase because he is learning to communicate, and yes, we are still working on this, and will be a continual challenge as he does not understand why things need to be softened.

The controlling behavior is the same way. It is so important that he feels in control, yet he has to learn to let up, as other people have the right to do certain things. It just takes a long time to realize that it will be OK, even if he cannot control everything, and that is how life is.

He might be seeking the pressure of the hugs. Some sensory activities might help him get that "feedback" he is seeking.

We tried the 1-2-3 timeout with some modification and some success. He didn't seem to get the concept of having 3 strikes, so, the first time he hit her, he went into time out. His timeout actually is sitting in DH or my lap while we hold him for a few minutes. He never stopped trying to get away but kept asking to go do anything else but sit with us (lay down, play with his brother, kiss, etc). After about 5 minutes of being held and hearing that he is not supposed to hit his sister, he has to go give her a hug and a kiss. That has seemed to make him look at us before running off to slap her if she cires out. So far so good, with that.

Regarding sensitivity to her cries, if he is engaged in another activity, he will ignore her. Also, all 3 kids frequently like to see how loud they can scream. I can only imagine what the neighbors think. There is a possibility that her cries could be bothering him, but if so, why can he ignore her sometimes, or why doesn't her screems bother him.

Also, we have been symbolically putting the 1 yo (his sis) in time out when she hits her brothers (the 3yo and 6 yo). We have also encouraged the the 3 yo to tell her "Don't do that...!" He really likes chastizing her so that curbs his need to hit her. When she was a newborn, I had to watch him like a hawk because he would lay on her or hit her. As soon as she was able to, she started to defend herself. Now, they both try to get the upper hand with each other. I don't know how they can love each other's company so much, but then like to hit each other.

I can't wait for his communication skills to improve so that I can get to the bottom of these issues.