How Aspies Show Love to their Children

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I’m an Aspie, married with four children (ages 8, 7, 6 and 2). Despite what some self-styled experts think, we’re capable of marrying and loving. I do have a problem, though, showing love to my kids – and it makes me feel guilty. I’ll never be the kind to get down on the floor and play with them. I try to play ball with them sometimes but I can only do it briefly. I hug them and tell them that I love them (and I mean it), but it’s never that all-embracing hug that most kids expect. I see my brother-in-law do it and they just think he's great. I think my kids love me, but they have to wonder why I’m not very affectionate. I’m afraid I might be “damaging” them somehow with my lack of manifest affection. The older kids know that I have AS, but they don’t understand it (they’re still young). Is anyone here in a similar situation? If so, how do you cope? I’d appreciate your feedback.

My husband thought I was distant because of post-partum depression because I wasn't all warm and fuzzy with our baby. I held him and sang to him and all that stuff, but I guess not enough to seem normal. Now that my baby is 3 and has been diagnosed with an ASD himself, I think my husband's beginning to understand and accept my behaviour more. I am undiagnosed myself, but almost certainly under the umbrella. My son and I communicate in a different way than NT parents and children, but the bond has always been there.

I am neither married nor a mother--I am a bit young for that. However, I do have a soon-to-be-three year old nephew, and I can relate to this greatly.
I love my nephew very dearly. Just seeing his smiling face brings light to my entire day. However, he wears me thin very easily. Being a toddler that is male, he tends to be very loud and very active--both which are things that wear down on my senses. I have gone into many a "shut-down modes" around the poor child.
The silver lining at the end of this proverbial cloud, though, is that he still loves me immensely. Every time he comes to our house, he asks where I am if he does not see me upon entering. Even when I curl into a little ball and hide under the covers, he is still eager to play with me when I recover.
Children are highly forgiving.
Your children likely have come to accept that you are just a bit "different." They likely do not think that the way you show love to them is inferior to the way that other parents show love to their children--it's just your way of showing it.
If it makes you feel any better, I have almost no memories of my father ever getting on the floor and playing with me (he is assumed to be NT--my Aspie traits are from my mother's side--though it wouldn't surprise me if he was on the broad autism phenotype). He never did understand what I liked and what I wanted until I or my relatives explicitly told him. Despite of this, we still have a relatively close relationship today. Even if he still is not very direct in showing his compassion for me, I understand that he loves me very dearly.

I seem to be in the opposite situation.
I think I am quite affectionate and show it to my daughter. We play together, read stories, cuddle her, lift her up and making funny noises. She usually has a massive smile on her face at those times. Although she is only 15 months old so I guess it is easy to make her laugh.

What does strike me though, is at play areas where other toddlers are around, the other parents, the NT parents, are the ones that are disconnected and aloof, and sitting at the bench chatting with their own peers or partners while the little ones just play by themselves. I am the only person who is connecting with my daughter and joining in on the fun. I find immense satisfaction of seeing her explore things, analysing them and working things out. Other parents couldnt give a damn.

My NT wife agrees I am doing the right thing and thinks the other parents are being miserable and boring.
Most brats , and kids with appaling behaviour , have NT parents.

That’s something that I can relate to, Chris. I swear not a meal goes by in public that someone doesn’t come over to our table and compliment our children’s behavior. It happened just last week. Because I naturally like for rules to be followed, I expect my children to follow them; indeed, I demand it. I’m not an ogre, but our kids know that misbehavior – especially in public – won’t be tolerated. I had a friend say to me a few months ago, “Your kids are very well behaved, but you’re a little strict with them.” I said, “Do you know WHY they’re well behaved? It’s because I’m strict with them.” I honestly don’t think she made the connection.

I can't really show affection to others, but for some happy reason this doesn't apply to my son. I have no problem hugging him and being close to him and showing him affection, and I seem to be able to communicate with him on his level - it's like we instinctively understand each other.

My own mother is a bit like me, and she was always quite distant and didn't show affection very much, but it was never a problem, as we knew that she loved us and cared very deeply about us. She would always put us first and was always there for us, even if it was in a more practical than emotional way. I think as well, if you force yourself to do things you're not comfortable with, your children will pick up on that, and maybe think you don't want to be with them, whereas if you do things that you are comfortable with to show them that you care then they will know you love them anyway.

Children are often very accepting and forgiving and a lot of the time we could learn something from them

Do you have sensory issues? I get overstimulated from touch very easily; a long bear-hug can make me feel dizzy. That makes me seem less "affectionate" but when I give it in the small, frequent doses meaning every bit of it, I think it goes a long way....

I wouldn't worry about "damaging" your kids by being the father you are as long as you are trying and they do know you love them. There are other ways than physical affection to show your children love, right? It sounds like you care a lot since you're asking here, so rest assured you're on the right track.

I do have sensory issues, particularly noise. Hardwood floors + four kids = meltdown (sometimes). Touching can bother me a little, especially if someone hangs on me, which kids tend to do. Sometimes I really try to “pretend to be normal” for their benefit, but it wears me out. They know that when Daddy's done playing, he's done playing - and it's often rather sudden.

I have four kids, too, and I'm a mom so I feel as though I'm expected to be the most cuddly, nurturing (hovering & worrying?) parent. In some ways, though, my husband is more stereotypically motherly: he's better at keeping track of things and keeping an eye on everyone (because I get absorbed in special interests). I am affectionate and cuddly with my kids, but I have to make sure it's part of a routine or I might let too much time elapse in between. I also have a tendency to talk to my kids as though they're adults (oldest is 12, but the youngest is only 3), but I think that's something they enjoy. I remember my dad doing the same with me when I was a kid. I'm probably stricter than my husband is - I think it's very important to e consistent with rules and consequences, but I always try to keep a matter-of-fact neutral tone instead of being, well, an ogre. I also sometimes get overwhelmed with the noise and the kids climbing on me, talking at once, etc., but I can handle being around them a lot more easily than being around any other group of as many people.

Sounds like you're doing your best and they understand. Also, this bears repeating, since we cannot "know" how we are to others, it's best to do our best with what we can do. Otherwise we would end up torturing ourselves to the point of anxiety-- something too common. "Not knowing" does not equal "not caring".

I have always been this way myself. Our oldest at 9yo, and our youngest at 1yo, it's a delight to see them explore and discover little things like the taste of something new, or how they interact with their peers. I can focus on stuff like that both at home alone with them, and in a crowded playground with other parents. I couldn't care less about smalltalking with the parents, I want to observe my little ones, they are the reason I am there, not to meet other parents.

I do see the NT parents side of things though, I've learned that it is nice to have some sort of contact with them, for the childrens sake. Playdates and at a later stage, sleepovers etc. But to me, it sure is hard to take my eyes of my little girls.

When it comes to showing love. I show it by always being there for them, offering support and someone to talk to or give a hug. Always come to sportevents, show up at their schoolshows etc. I have told our oldest that I am not the best at knowing when she wants to cuddle up in our sofa. I tried explaining as best I can that I have trouble knowing what she wants, and these days, if she feels like a hug or if she wants physical contact of some sorts, she just tells me. I know it might not be the best solution to give a 9yo kid the responsibility, but the alternative would be that I asked her all day long, or hugged her/them at inappropriate times. It seems to work for us.

I hug my son and hold him and kiss him and rub his head. I also sleep with him. Back when we had him. We probably won't see him again until he is 19 months. I think this is showing love. I have tried to play with him a little bit by letting him climb on me and jump on me and giving him piggy back rides and holding him up in the air with my hands and feet. My mom says 20 minutes is all they need of my time and then they will get bored and play by themselves at one years old of course. I find all his toys boring. I would rather watch him play. But he won't lie still in my arms and keeps moving around and I hate that, same as if he keeps trying to climb on me and not leave me alone because it seems like what I do is never good enough for him so I literally push him away or be on the other side of the baby gate. I have locked myself in his room too sitting in front of the door so he can't get in. My son still loves me or else he wouldn't be blowing me kisses or giving me kisses sometimes.

My husband has thought I don't pay that much attention to him and my mother thought the same. So I feel what I do isn't good enough. I told my parents they can just keep him until they move out here. But yet my mother commented how I did such a good job with him because he is so happy and well behaved. But yet I got criticism from her when she was here and my husband thinks I am mean to him sometimes or too rough with him. Quite a few times have I put him in his crib and shut the door while overwhelmed so I could relax and calm down without him pushing my buttons. I don't want to shove him or slap him if he pushes me over the edge or toss things at him. My husband thinks that is abuse but would he rather have me psychically abuse him rather than me keeping him safe? Sometimes parents do have to put their kids in their room for protection like my own mother did. As a child I always thought I was in trouble when I be sent to my room or kicked out of the same room we are in. Then mom would tell me I can come out now and she isn't mad anymore or tell me I can come in the room now she is in. So how is this any different I am doing?

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Parents' Discussion]

Even among NTs I think there is a good deal of variance, especially in the olden days, when dads may not have been expected to do floor play or too much snuggling. It is culturally dependent, too.

My family happens to be a snugglie bunch of spectrum people, but we have other quirks, naturally. I don't think you are scarring them for life, or anything. Kids are wired to want to love their parents, and I think they forgive parental idiosyncrasies and quirks, and figure out that it does not correlate inversely with love. (I hope kids do, anyway) All parents (even NTs) have quirks, and kids are resilient. They may not even think anything of it, and think your BIL is unusual.

I would not worry.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 22 Jun 2012, 7:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I would agree that even in the NT world, there is lots of variance. It sounds like what you are talking about is physical affection. I have found the 5 love languages to be helpful to me and several of my friends. It may help to see that you are not alone in how you express love and what makes you feel loved. It would also be a good family lesson for your children to understand who may marry someone who "loves" differently than how they were raised.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the ... languages/

FYI - it is a christian based book, but it has good relationship information. I personally just glossed over the other stuff.

I love playing / hugging etc with my son. My father never did it with me. I can seem to tolerate paying with all the neighbors kids as well, cricket in the back yard etc. but my wife thinks it is unhealthy and I should be up on the deck talking with the adults, rather thn playing sport with the kids