Mostly Venting but have a question

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Joined: 7 Nov 2008
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,460

03 Jul 2012, 9:17 pm

First, I love my wife a lot. She is a wonderful woman and a jewel. She is very honest and she is direct. These are two qualities I love about her.

Second, we have a non-profit in which we give food to those in need.

Third, we got a new facility in which our rent was cut in half and we got more space.

During this time we had a month before we had to clear everything out of our old facility. We had food in there, a desk, chairs, and drawers. My impression was all I had to and worry about was get the food out. I had to wait a long time to get started because we didn't know the status of the new facility. The owner had to clean it out. It was very cluttered and packed with stuff for storage. We would store the food in our living room. She said we would get Two men and a truck to break down the shelves and bring the components and the other stuff to the facility.

I waited for two weeks and was told to bring the food to our house. I didn't know what was going on. I assumed they were cleaning out our new facility. The plans changed. I didn't know that. By what she said to me I thought all I had to handle was bringing the food over. There was a lot of food in our facility and I was the only one handling it. Apparently the owners of the new facility still didn't clean out their new facility yet. I didn't know this. None of these details were told to me. To make this short I was accused of procrastinating and this is what pissed me off. I I ended up having meltdown over this and just said I'm just going to break these shelves down myself and take them to the city dump. She just said just do whatever I want. I was just so pissed and she became pissed. The date we had to move was getting closer and I still did not know what I was supposed to do with these shelves. We barely had enough room in the garage. Once again, she leaves details out and fails to keep me abreast as to what was going on. Rant over!! !

My question is this. This is both to Aspie women and NT women. What did I do wrong? Why was I accused of procrastinating when

a. I did not have knowledge of the destination to take the stuff to.
b. I did not have knowledge of when I was supposed to take the stuff.
c. Who was supposed to call Two men and a truck and when? I assumed she was handling that. That was my impression.

Overall, I love her a lot and she is a good woman. She is a very kind hearted to children and truly cares about the needy. This is another thing I love about her.


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Joined: 23 Apr 2011
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,601
Location: Twilight Zone

03 Jul 2012, 10:36 pm

First apologize to your wife for your melt down. Then nicely tell her that you are not a mind reader, and tell her that you are not good at reading non verbal cues or "hints" either, so if she wants you to do or know things, she must actually tell you in plain English. If your wife is not good at verbal communications, tell her she can write notes for you instead. If that method would work better for the two of you, buy her some nice note paper and a pack of pens--and a bouquet of flowers wouldn't hurt, either. :D Then, take her out to dinner. :D

Many people somehow think that everyone else can guess what the first person wants or means, by reading that persons mind or non verbal cues, or hints, and that person prefers to use these stupid methods to get their point across. Then, that person has the nerve to get mad when others fail to guess what they want or mean. :wall: This stupid behavior is more common among women than men. Fortunately, I am not severely infected with the disease, but my mother had the condition. Apparently your wife was using such methods to (mis)communicate with you. :wall:

Get her lots of nice note paper and pens, and tell her to write notes to you, so you will know what's going on. :D

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away.--Henry David Thoreau


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Joined: 27 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,786

03 Jul 2012, 10:48 pm

Just a shot in the dark here, because I can't see what else was wrong:

Did she maybe think you were going to be on top of it and keep abreast of the status of everything? Maybe she also wanted you to make sure everything kept on schedule and expected you to get the new location folks to expedite things? Maybe she was overwhelmed but not able to communicate that for whatever reason.

That is all I can think that it could be.

Sea Gull
Sea Gull

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Joined: 6 Oct 2011
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 242

04 Jul 2012, 3:30 am

Hard to say not having been there. However, is it possibly a 'both at fault' situation? She should have said more, you should have had less assumptions?
I noticed you used words like 'your impression was' and you 'assumed'. My husband is borderline Aspie and tends to 'assume' or 'infer' the wrong thing quite often. He is not a very good auditory processor. So, often what he thinks he heard is not what was said. I am speaking not just of myself, but of our co-workers too, because we work together.
I do tend to get frustrated with him when there is a CLEAR situation where he should have CLARIFIED something and didn't--he just assumed. On the other hand, he tends to think I give TOO much information and over-clarify. And finds that annoying. But I'd rather be safe than sorry, particularly given his weaknesses in assessing information correctly. All to often we end up lose-lose.
Differences can be quite a challenge. I'd say apologize that you made too many assumptions and should have clarified more, and hopefully she comes around and admits her part in the miscommunication too.


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Joined: 3 Jul 2012
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,812
Location: USA

07 Jul 2012, 10:50 am

I find that "impressions" and "assumptions" can be very dangerous things, especially when you throw any kind of atypical wiring into the mix. In hindsight it probably would have been helpful to actually draft some kind of plan for such a huge undertaking as this. A list of tasks that had to be done, who was responsible for doing it, and when it would be done. Then the "responsible" party would be responsible for communicating any change in plans to the other person. Actually, going forward it would probably be helpful to remember that you are running a business and when it comes to your business, you are business partners, not husband and wife. For major undertakings like change in location, business partners generally treat things like this more formally, I think. And I think treating it like a business transaction could have prevented a lot of your problems.

If I were you, I think I'd just say "Listen, I am sorry this is so messed up. Let's sit down together and determine where we need to go from here." And then avoid engaging in the blame game or the potentially endless arguments about who should have done what. The only thing that matters now is that things have to get done and you guys need to figure out how to do it (unless the move has already happened...then I'd just say "I am sorry things got so messed up. I love you and I am happy you are a part of my life.")

Regarding your question of what you did "wrong," I would suppose that depends upon your wife, what kind of person she is, and what makes her tick. I know sometimes I get annoyed when there is an underlying assumption that I will take care of things that I never said I'd take care of. People just assume I'll do it. Sometimes it makes me mad and the passive-aggressive b***h in me comes out (disclaimer: I am generally a kind, gentle, and patient person, so this is unusual for me, but it does happen). And sadly, when this happens, I will shamefully admit that sometimes I "unintentionally" sit back and watch things fall apart. Then I claim ignorance, when really I knew everything would fall apart. I know, not very evolved of me. But it usually only happens when I feel taken advantage of. I am not saying your wife is like this. I am just saying that you can use your understanding of what makes your wife tick to try to figure out what you did "wrong."