3m old child not smiling, holding head - should we worry?

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Hi all

After a looooooooooooooooong absence, I've made a return. I'm sure much has changed and I'll be sure to reacquaint myself over time.

Much has changed since I left - I'm now a married father of a nearly three month old little boy, and we're a little concerned - he's being overtaken by younger children in terms of milestones. He isn't smiling and isn't holding himself up - a child a week younger can do this as well as "stand" when held up, whereas our little boy's legs go limp when we try. Our community health nurse has mentioned "early intervention" and my mother-in-law always comments that she should be playing with him more (not that she'd know - she's not around - but that's another issue altogether) while others offer comments like "he'll do it when he's ready" and "it'll happen soon" which offer nothing in terms of substantial hope.

Mum's really beating herself up, she feels like she's not doing enough (not helped by the criticisms of her mother and other folk who really should keep their mouths shut) and just wants everything to be OK.

My question, as an aspie (not officially diagnosed), is should we be worried at this early stage? He was born 4 weeks premature, but my niece was born 4 weeks early too and she hit her milestones around about on time. Any ideas?

The thing to keep in mind with premature babies, is that you have to subtract their premature weeks from their actual age. So while technically your son is three months old, developmentally he is only two months old. Although if the nurse has mentioned early intervention, it can't hurt to get an assessment.

Agree with the poster above, you have to use your child's corrected age. Try not to use one child that you heard of as a measure of where your child is because they all develop differently. Some children walk at 8 months, others closer to a year and a half and they're both normal. I think I read you should see a baby smile by around 3 months, and given that technically your daughter shouldn't have been out for another month, it's reasonable to assume that she just needs a couple more weeks, It takes a premature baby a year to catch up. Early intervention is often used with premature babies because they can use the extra help to get on track, it doesn't mean that your child will have a life long problem.
Until I saw the part about her being premature, I was thinking it's funny because my son had the same problems. He has hypotonia which is why he couldn't even get into a sitting position until he was 15 months. He also smiled late. Of course I started freaking out immediately.
You're a concerned parent with a brand new life, and given that you have a diagnosis it makes sense you're extra worried about your child, but give it some time. A 2 month old doesn't do much of anything yet! I think I lost a lot of good moments with my son because I spent so much of my time with him worrying about his development.

Apart from the community health nurse and the mother in laws comments, I would seek a second and third qualified opinion. Including a naturopathic type of healer/midwife/infant specialist

I'm definitely mildly autistic but none of my seven children born were slow developers, in fact quite the opposite regarding milestones.

One thing I have learned in the last 2 years of my genetics readings..... is that many birth 'defects' are commonly experienced by 99% of the population.

Babies respond really well to homoeopathy, which has the ability to modify the DNA and remove miasm's from the gene code. I spent 2 years and $2000 with a homoeopath, bargain! Wish I had done it sooner.... My constitution has never been better. His last treatments were due to the shadow of gonorrhoea on my DNA.... prolly from an infected ancestor hundreds of years earlier

Actually, any modern baby should be checked nowadays since defects are on the increase..... along with lowered sperm quality and quantity and female egg abnormalities.

DNA can repair, just like liver and brain tissue

Apart from the community nurse, is your newborn going to a pediatrician? If you are not taking him, maybe you should. Get the best pediatrician you can (ask around). It is true that not all kids develop at the same rhythm, but it is better to get the opinion of someone who knows better. My daughter has AS and she did not smile when she was little. I was worried about. She started later, but she did it eventually. At the begining she looked like angry all the time.

Give it another couple of months. If he still hasn't improved at all, then maybe see a doctor or whatever it is parents see with young children (sorry, I'm not very good on giving advice). All babies are different, especially if born prematurely, so just take that into consideration aswell.

My mum's friend's son wasn't born prematurely but my mum said he didn't learn to crawl 'til he was 17 months old. He still used to just lay about. But he was all right, he's 23 now and has never had any physical or emotional health issues.

Something else I wanted to mention. Your wife should not beat herself up. The mere fact that she's worried she isn't doing enough would suggest that she's trying really hard. And honestly, how much time can you spend playing with a 3 month old? There isn't all that much you can do. You make some faces, shake a few toys, doing this all day long is not realistic. It's unfortunate that she's being criticized, mothers often criticize themselves enough without any help from anyone else. It might make her feel better if you keep commenting on what a wonderful mother she is, what a great job she's doing. I know hearing this from my sons father helps me a lot when I feel like I'm not doing enough.

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Parents' Discussion]

Another comment is that the signs he's showing aren't usually signs of AS/autism. If he does have a disability, it's more likely to be CP or hypotonia than autism. These can be diagnosed by a neurological assessment - they'll look at the way your son's muscles and joints move, and his reflexes.

By the way, the 'standing' when held upright in very young babies is a reflex, not a real motor skill, and tends to fade with age. So your child could be a bit ahead, rather than behind, in that respect. Most kids have the standing reflex, it fades, and then much later they learn to stand for real. There's no real link between the standing reflex and real standing.

I am not an expert at all, so keep that in mind.

The reflexes are still considered milestones, but they are neurological milestones. My son had issues with some of those, as late as last year, they are testing him gain in the fall, at school.

I would say that especially with a preemie, I would agree with the others who said it would not hurt to get someone who was familiar with preemie issues, if you can, to give you guidance, and whatever interventions are applicable

Grandparents can be meddlesome, and it is so important that your wife stay emotionally strong while all this is going on. It is not her fault. I think you should (gently) encourage her to draw boundaries, and tell the busybodies (nicely) that you both have everything covered, and she does not want to talk about it. If they persist she should say she is done talking about it and terminate the conversation.