Playdates, and problems.

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Today, Eldest (8) went over to a neighbor's house, by himself, and spent a few hours there playing with a boy a year or so older than himself. This is a big thing; this is the first time he's done something like this, and we were a wee bit nervous. He's very naive, and very impulsive, and gets upset really easily -- emotionally, he's about half of his physical age. He's not easy for us to handle at times, and we know his quirks.

But he was invited by the boy's mother, and he was super excited about it, and we need to let him be a bit more independent.

Things went well, other than a minor tantrum (much wailing and crying) when his mom came to get him.

However, talking about things with his mother afterwards, Eldest told her that....

The father, the only adult in the house, spent most of the time sleeping. The kids (including two young siblings) were completely unsupervised.

The 10 year old's pants got wet (playing with a hose), so he took them off...and he wasn't wearing underwear, so he spent most of Eldest's visit bottomless. This strikes me as more than a little weird, as kids of that age are generally very worried about modesty -- Eldest has been known to dive under a table if his grandmother should stop by when he's in his underwear.

Eldest also says that the father was naked as well, which may or may not have been the case...details are not his strong suit, and at this point he is trying very hard (sensing his mother's discomfort) to assert that everything was fine, just fine.

At this point, we're not willing to let him go back there. We'll talk to the parents (neither of whom is a native English speaker, so there's room for confusion), and we'll explain the situation to him...but he won't be happy. At all.

I may or may not be able to get him to understand the problem. And I want to be honest with him. The sticking point is that he is very likely to explain, at great length, at high volume, and in intricate detail, WHY he is not allowed to go to this boy's house to all and sundry. That's what he does. Eldest doesn't have a filter.

What would you do in this situation?

Oy.

My son has no interest in play dates, at this point, so keep that in mind.

I am trying to think of a way to walk the line between honesty and tmi. Maybe say you are concerned about the lack of supervision, as opposed to mentioning the nudity? I know that is a problem, too, because if your child says that you don't think there is enough supervision to the other child at school, it might make him look coddled, and hurt the other child's feelings, but I can't think of anything better, at the moment.

I think this is good advice, and what I would do- tell my son that due to lack of supervision I wasn't comfortable with him hanging out there. If your son does repeat the "lack of supervision" thing, I wouldn't worry too much about it. It may annoy the other parents a bit, they may feel a little judged, but it won't be a big deal. They'll just assume you're overprotective. If you do have the type of relationship where you could talk to the other parents, I would still be hesitant to bring up the nudity thing, since different families and different cultures have different views and levels of comfort about family nudity and you might cause offence. I would maybe say that your son has some anxiety and behavioural issues and generally does better if he has his playdates at home. This approach does "out" your son as being a bit different/having some issues though, so this would be dependent on how comfortable your son would be about this, and the tone of your relationship with the other parents.

Either way I would not allow my son anywhere that made me or him feel uncomfortable, and the no supervision/nudity thing would be a deal breaker for me too.

One strategy we have also used is to make our house the most fun to hang out at. The only downside to this is my sons rarely get an invitation out, all their friends always want to come here! Which is best for them since they have the most comfort and control, but kind of hard on Mom and Dad sometimes...

Yup, I'd say the same thing. You might also mention that it's not polite to discuss the reasons why you can't go to someone's house with anyone but your parents (just to set the standard.)

At one point, because we have a language barrier at our son's school, too, I made a rule that he can't go to another kid's house unless I meet and speak with the parents myself (I did say that I would take on that responsibility.) This turned out to make playdates kind of self-selecting - parents who don't supervise their kids also tend not to welcome interaction with other parents.

This is, however, one thing I'm always grateful about: if you'd had an NT kid, you might never have found out that this happened. DS, also, has inadvertently alerted us to a number of situations where things were not going the way we'd hoped (we've been lucky, it's been his own behavior and not other people) because he also tends to tell us things without thinking about it.

Where are they from? Sounds like there could be some cultural differences here.

Why not invite the child over to your house next time? Say it's only polite to go back and forth. And the next time suggest they go to a playground or some other neutral place.

If he wants to continue to hang out with them, I would do it at your home. It could be nothing, but it is too easy for our kids to be led into trouble.

My son had a friend that lived two doors down when he was in kindergarten. Her family was from India, but had lived all over. They seemed very nice, but I never let my son go over there to play because they were okay with allowing their daughter to roam the whole neighborhood by herself, even at only 5 years old. Plus, one night her father had been drinking, drove home, but didn't judge correctly and drove over a little island that was in front of our houses, took out a crepe myrtle on the island, before crashing into his third garage door. I would have never thought he would have done such a thing prior. There have been other kids that have wanted to play with mine and I always seemed to know when they were better off at my house. I trust those instincts.

There are a lot of things in our family that others do and we don't. Our kids know this. We don't do anything but church and family on Sundays, but we have been invited to parties and we see friends swimming in the neighborhood pool when we drive home from church. We aren't mean or judgmental, but our kids know every family is different and have their own standards, but that we will continue to live by our standards. The funny thing is, the kids have learned, that when we explain it all in a nice way, most of our school friends understand and respect our beliefs. We have even had some move their birthday parties the next year so our kids could attend. As far as my AS son goes, we just drill into him what he should say for these uncomfortable situations and explain that we don't want to make others feel bad. He doesn't usually want to make others feel bad, he just doesn't get why being brutally honest will make someone feel bad. It takes lots of explaining to get him to try and see it from the other perspective. I would script what he should say to the other family and practice it.

I can see why you are uncomfortable. I would second the suggestion that if he wants to play with this child again that it is his turn to host the occasion. You could also offer to take them to a local park or attraction for the afternoon.

I agree with that. Cultural differences can be quite shocking . . . and yet commonly accepted and practiced in the home country of that adult.
Where I live, it is COMMON for kids 4-5 years old to play by themselves at the playground. It is common for mothers to leave babies or young children alone in the house to 'quickly' run out to the neighborhood store. In many Asian cultures, a child over the age of say 7 or 8 is not considered to need adult supervision.
It is also culturally unacceptable (where I live) for a woman to show any kind of cleavage, but a mini-skirt with buttocks almost showing is fine.
In India you have to cover your ankles, but you can bare your belly. So, all that said just to say, take things into context culturally, and invite the child over to YOUR house next time and then go from there.