Question for NT Parents

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I'm going to reverse this forum a little and ask you guys a question that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with parenting. I'm asking here because I feel you guy have the maturity and life experience to give me a credible answer. A little background to my question:

I have never been able to form normal connections with people, even immediate family. This goes back to as far as I can remember and is still true today. On the 1st day of kindergarten I was in a large room with all of the other kids and their parents. At some point all of the other kids started crying and I couldn't understand why. It was years later that I realized that it was because their parents were leaving. It didn't even cross my mind that I should be upset about my parents leaving. I am almost 40 now and have never had a meaningful conversation with my parents about how I feel, or about my goals, or anything else that's meaningful really. I have no friends and have only had 1 remotely meaningful friend for a couple of years in my teens. I've had relationships with women but there was little to them other than sex. I don't have a lack of feeling toward people I just don't think my level of feeling is normal based on observation of how most people interact with family and friends. It is also extremely difficult for me to communicate what I'm feeling and often to even identify what I'm feeling.

So my question- What is it like having a connection to somebody? What do you feel and what do you get out of it? I don't necessarily mean only family, friends too.

For me, a connection comes when we share common interests, or have something in common. It feels good to have connections to people, like an extended family. I cant say I am overly connected to my family becasue they are mostly dysfunctional, and my freinds have made more of fmaily to me then anything.

What does it fell like? It is hard for me to explain, but it is nice, safe, makes me feel a part of something, less alone in the world, secure, etc...

not sure if I fully answered your question or not, hope I did to an extent.

I had an idea, what if you write your felings or anything to your family? You wrote well, got your point across, feelings and all. Maybe if you weite or email your family you will have more of a meanigful conversation via written word. I find I am much more expressive and free when I write, maybe that can be an outlet for you as well.

good luck!

Feelings of connection are hard to describe. It feels good, secure, right. More importantly, if I lack connected to people, I am very anxious and out of sorts, depressed. I think this explains why many AS people are anxious and depressed. Connection is a human need.

Thinking of my aspie son, he so desires time with friends, he'll put up with their derogatory remarks just so he can play. I asked him what it would feel like to not have friends and he said he didn't want to think about it.

Do you feel connected to people here on Wrong Planet? I've heard that many aspie adults find their social needs met online.

I believe we are on this Earth to get a body, to progress, learn lessons and perfect ourselves. A big part of this process is through our relationships with others. It is through interacting with others we learn how to be less selfish, more forgiving, more understanding, basically more Christlike. Obviously, each of our experiences are different. Some of us never marry or have children, even if that is our greatest desire. Some have bodies with disabilities or disease. I am amazed at how often people with every reason to be bitter due to their body being stricken by a disease often know how important living life to the fullest is and have the ability to inspire others.

It is an interesting point in life when you get to the age when you realize your parents are human. That they don't know everything and that they were muddling through life as they were raising you. Hopefully, most of the time, your family is at least moving forward, each person learning lessons and progressing. Some people have a family so dysfunctional that this isn't possible. I think those people make their own family through friendships/marriage.

I have been married 17 years. I have had periods of not liking my spouse much and thinking about divorce. I have said stupid things to him and he has to me. I have 5 kids. I love them dearly, but they are individuals and sometimes I don't get them and I don't immediately say the right thing. My parents divorced when I was young. I am my Mother's only child and I have a complicated relationship with my Dad. My husband has 5 siblings. I have had disagreements with his sister and his mother at times. His brothers have made thoughtless remarks when we had problems having children. My family can drive me crazy and his can too. However, I can also see how we all are moving forward and trying to be better day by day. I see how we all forgive one another for our mistakes and can laugh with each other the next time we are together. I also know that if we call and say "I need help." These are the people that will drop everything to be there for us.

I think one of Satan's most powerful deceits is to encourage people to isolate themselves. I have found that when I feel more isolated, I am more selfish and feel more different that other people. What a great way to cause division between people! However, when I go out and provide service to others, I feel more charitable, less division, and that we are more alike than different in the world.

Obviously, I have a religious view of the world, which might not appeal to your reasoning.

Different connections provide different things - for example, my relationship with my dad provides a sense of being nurtured and secure; sexual relationships have boosted my sense of myself as a desirable human being; and being with good friends lets me relax, laugh, learn new stuff, and talk things over with people who understand. Sometimes the same connection will provide all of that. My connection with my husband does, because we are very close, have fun and joke together, look after each other in bad times, and are attracted to each other.

But I'd say there are two things that almost all connections provide for me: the first is a sense that there's someone on my side, someone who will help me and who I will help, someone who cares to some degree about what happens to me; and the second is a kind of sounding board that lets me understand myself from new angles. When my mental health has been bad in the past, I've tended to withdraw from social interaction, and it results in getting kind of lost inside my own head. I lose my sense of perspective without that grounding contact with other humans. It's difficult to make myself get out again and talk to people - it feels very scary when I've been out of the loop for a while. But in the long run it helps my mental health tremendously.

Connecting with people feels interesting, reassuring, fun. It helps me understand myself and the world. It helps me feel like I am important, that I am a good presence in people's lives. When people need something reasonable from me (not taking advantage, but genuinely needing help that I can provide), it helps me to grow as a person, develop new skills and become more compassionate. That in turn helps me to work better and to be a better parent to my daughter.

Basically, there's a lot in it for me.

To answer one question- I prefer some people over others on WP but I feel no connection to anybody on WP in terms of even thinking about them outside of WP. It's not that I don't want to, but there's just something fundamental that is missing in me. Some of you mentioned safe and secure and I can see how it would apply to those other kids that I mentioned from kindergarten. It's logical to assume they were crying because they were losing a feeling of safety and security when their parents left but I didn't (and still don't) feel that. I'm not even sure what a feeling safe and secure is other than an absence of danger. But is there more to it when those feelings are in connection with another person?

I can understand what you guys are telling me on an intellectual level but I can't imagine what the experience is like. I know I'm missing the things you're all writing about, but I can't decide if I'm unable to identify these feelings in myself or there's just something missing from my brain that you all have. How do you guys even begin to form these connections with people, there must be some kind of unspoken consent or understanding? And how did you learn these things or was it just natural for you?

P.S. In connection to Tarentela's post- When you do something with other people do you experience the same feeling? Is it knowing that both (or more) of you are experiencing the same feeling the part that makes you want to have relationships with people?

It's hard to describe. With most people it's kind of a feeling of mutual admiration, it feels safe. With my son, it's more primal. I couldn't begin to describe it, he's the most important person in my universe just because. It's a feeling of deep responsibility for the life of another person that is stronger than the one I feel for myself.

I'll take a stab at explaining what a connection feels like. One analogy would be with clothes. When I go to a store to buy clothes, I'm surrounded by unfamiliar clothes, and it takes some time to figure out which ones feel ok, look ok, and are in my budget. It's a big hassle and can provoke some anxiety when I need to find something right away. When I'm home and go to my closet, there is a sense of comfort because I know what to expect from each of the items. Some items may even trigger a pleasurable memory of wearing them on a happy occasion.

Or when I go do a bookstore and recognize books I've enjoyed reading. There's a pleasurable feeling associated with the memory of reading that book. I might pick a book by the same author -- the "voice" or style of each writer is uniquely identifiable. I feel a sort of connection to the books and authors that I really like.

With people, when you meet someone new you don't know what to expect from them. It takes time to figure out whether you have any interests in common, and what kinds of things to talk about. With people I know, a sense of connection comes from familiarity, shared history, and shared experiences.

You can have a small connection with a waitress whose face you recognize -- it puts you at ease knowing this person is going to be friendly and pleasant and get your order right. Even though the connection doesn't extend beyond the restaurant, recognizing the waitress makes the meal better from the start.

Deeper connections can be had with family and friends. There are casual ones that are limited in scope to discussing a common interest, and deeper ones with people I feel comfortable talking about more personal details with.

The connection is both a pleasurable feeling when I see the person, and pleasure at recognizing they feel the same way when they see me.