Why would my daughter do this?! !?

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sfombom
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28 Jun 2012, 12:41 pm

She went and got her lip pierced after i told her no. Now, i would really like to change how shes acting, she also got her tongue pierced behind my back. I would really like to know why shes acting up. First of all, my husband, her father passed away from cancer when she was 9 years old. I never dated or remarried. It was hard on her, she was a daddys girl. She tells me that i never Discipline her and her older sister the same way. (shes 15, her older sister is 19) and i explain to her i can no longer have control over her sister. Her sister has done some horrible things, had bad grades and all of that, and my other daughter has only gotten her tongue pierced and always kept good grades, please help me mothers out there, its hard to raise two teenage girls on your own! Thanks and god bless in advance!


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annotated_alice
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28 Jun 2012, 1:34 pm

I say let her make her own choices about personal appearance. If her grades are good and she's not getting into trouble, maybe a few piercings are no big deal? You probably have your hands full as a single mom, and it must have been so hard on all of you losing your husband when they were so young, maybe letting go of some of the smaller issues will make life easier for everyone?



anticipate
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28 Jun 2012, 2:34 pm

Perhaps I've gotten crazy liberal in my old age, but I personally can't get riled up about a piercing. She can always take it out later. Tattoos would be far more concerning to me...



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28 Jun 2012, 3:30 pm

You do need to decide which issues are worth fighting over, and which to let slide, but because your younger daughter is a minor you do have to exercise some control over her, for her own good for now. As for discipline:

- Grounding
- Take away cell phone/pager/texter
- Take away ipod/MP3 player, ipad, etc.
- No computer/video games while grounded.
- No TV while grounded. Kids and teens should never have one in their own room. That way they can't watch when they are sent to their room.
- No going online, except for school work, while grounded. Kids and teens should also not have a computer in their room, or at least no internet service there. The "family/study" computer should be in a part of the house where parents can easily see what the kids/teens are doing. The computer should also have software on it that allows the parents to limit the sites the kids/teens can visit, and that will keep a log of online sites the kids visit.
- No taking the kid/teen to special events/parties, while grounded. They forfeit the event by their bad behavior.
- No visiting friends either at your or their home while grounded.

One more thing to consider. It is illegal to tattoo or do piercings on a minor without the permission of a parent or legal guardian. If you know where it was done, you should file charges against whoever did it. Tattooing and piercing can lead to life threatening infections. Any place doing them must comply with the laws on health, and that includes having parental permission to work on minors. Places that violate these laws can lose their license and business, and/ or pay a fine. If taken to court they will have to pay even more. Please, for the safety of other kids, do file charges or a complaint against the establishment if you know who it was.


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MakaylaTheAspie
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28 Jun 2012, 3:36 pm

Piercings aren't that big of a deal. But I'd still go find out who gave it to her. Like questor said, it's illegal to do it to a minor without the consent of the parents.

As long as she isn't getting herself into trouble, you can just explain to her what makes you worried about the piercings.


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28 Jun 2012, 3:59 pm

While I agree with what others have said as far as choosing your battles, I am going to go out on a limb and say that it is not so much that she got the piercing but that she did it after you said NO. Just curious but did you come here because she is on the spectrum or you are on the spectrum, both, neither? It helps to have a bit of background of that nature before discipline measures are discussed. For example if she is an Aspie and the computer is one of her ways of self-calming as it is for many, then taking that away may not be an appropriate punishment.



McAnulty
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28 Jun 2012, 4:00 pm

She's just being a teenager. This is the stage of development when people try to break free from their parents and make some choices of their own. It's actually healthy! Psychologists worry about teenagers who never go against their parents. My mom didn't like the way I dressed or my piercings either, but you know what, I grew up, I took most of them out, I stopped dressing goth. We have a great relationship. I wasn't a devil spawn, I was just testing the waters of independence. She could be doing so much worse than this. A piercing really isn't all that bad.



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28 Jun 2012, 5:58 pm

Your daughter is a teen and most teens want freedom and to make their own choices, not be told how to live their lives. It's normal for any teen, autism or not. I assume she is on the spectrum since you came on an autism forum and posted about it.


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ASDMommyASDKid
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28 Jun 2012, 8:05 pm

I think what she is doing is pretty normal given the circumstances. Yeah, I would be upset that she did something I told her not to do, but I think with her dad gone, she is going to be more apt to push the envelope. I would punish her in some way for the disobedience part, but not too draconianly. Then you need to have a real talk with her after you figure out what your priorities are (think long and hard about it)

My mom was up my "you know what" at that age, and I think it made me more rebellious (in my lame Aspie barely rebellious way) than I would have been if I was cut a little slack and given some credit for all the stuff most kids were doing that I wasn't. Make sure you give her credit for what she is doing/not doing that you like.

Honestly, I think it really depends on her personality and what motivates her. You don't want to push her too hard to where she acts up just to spite you.

When you say you want to know why "she is acting that way," do you mean this event only? If that is all she is doing, which is how it appears based on what you wrote, it might just have been that important to her, and she felt that even though she is a minor, it is her body etc. Or again it is some boundary testing, which I think would be normal- Aspie or not for a kid that age.



OliveOilMom
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28 Jun 2012, 10:42 pm

I think she got it done because she really, really wanted it done. She probably hoped you would say yes, but when you didn't she wanted it done so bad she did it anyway knowing she would suffer the consequences. For some reason that was important to her. More important than the punishment she might get from it.

I'd talk to her and ask her why it was so important to her. I'd let her keep it and she will probably get tired of it before long and take it out. Also, once it's healed she doesn't have to wear it every day. It's like pierced ears and she can go a few days without anything in it. That way when you go places where she needs to have a certain look, she can have that look.

My 15yo dyes her hair a different color every few weeks. Most of those colors cannot be found in nature on a persons head. Sometimes it's several colors at once. None of that is permenant, even the permenant color. It grows out or can be dyed over. Piercings aren't permenant either. She can get tired of it and let it grow up. The bigger deal you make out of it, the more she is going to feel like she needs to keep it.

My youngest son pierced his lip when he was 15. An older friend of his who is a professional piercer did it for him. We had no clue that he was getting it done till he came home with it. It didn't bother me at all. He's got his ears pierced and gauged to 00's, (thats those huge ones) but he's taken them out last year and they have gone back to normal. So has my oldest daughter and oldest son. I don't like gauged ears but I let them do what they wanted to and they eventually got tired of it.

I have forbidden any of them to get an eyebrow piercing or a monroe. For some reason, both of those freak me out completely. Otherwise, they can pierce anywhere else on their body, I don't care, as long as they take care of it correctly.

As for tattoos, I have no problem with those either, but I do want them to be sure of what they want first. I also would want them to get something in a discreet place and something small, if they get one when they are younger. I also want to go with them when they get it because I want to make sure the guy uses new needles and everything is sterile and done right. I also want to see examples of his finished work. I've seen too many teens go to any place that will do it without parental permission and come back with some horrible ink. For my girls, I would say that they could get something small on the ankle, or the bottom, or on the breast in an area that will not show in a bathing suit or a low cut top. Nothing that will show anywhere on my girls when they are wearing a bikini, except the ankle because nobody notices those. For my younger son, I'd only OK an upper arm tat, or one on the back of a calf. Maybe something high on the thigh. No sleeves, no back pieces, no stomach tats, no large chest tats, and no neck tats for either sex yet. Once they are over 21, they can do what they want.

What bothers you most about it? The piercing itself, the fact that she disobeyed, the fact that she wanted a piercing? I think you also need to talk to her about the issue that bothers you the most about it. Also, I would talk to her about compromise. At her age, both of you have to start with the give and take. You should lighten up about some of the things you don't want her to do, and give in on some things you dislike (not that are dangerous, just dislike) and she should put up with some rules she disagrees with as well. I think it's important to find a balance with that.

Good luck, and she will get tired of it fairly soon, I bet. At 15, most of the kids I know take it out after the new wears off.


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thewhitrbbit
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29 Jun 2012, 8:29 am

Sounds like a mix of teenage rebellion and maybe she is pushing for you to give more structure.



NigNag
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30 Jun 2012, 12:13 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
color every few weeks. Most of those colors cannot be found in nature on a persons head. Sometimes it's several colors at once. None of that is permenant, even the permenant color.


He he.. my daughter does that too!! ! I guess I say pick your battles.. I would rather connect with my kids, know what is going on, etc. than fight over music and hair colors.
My brother pierced his tongue, and after a year of having it he got sick of it. Why? Well because he found out the hard way that the thing was just a pain to have in his mouth, food got caught on it, it smacked his teeth all the time, etc.



Dmarcotte
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02 Jul 2012, 1:52 pm

I agree this is probably normal Teenage rebellion, but I would add one other option. I know when my 13 year old aspie gets an idea in her head she sometimes can't get it out of her head. A recent example was going to see a particular movie - She absolutely would not let go of this idea, even though it was rated R - I think that if I had not finally taken her to the movie she may well have gone behind my back, not to disobey or rebel but because she simply couldn't let go of the idea. She would have been sorry, but she would have done it anyway.

I totally agree though - you need to pick your battles.


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