how do you handle "i wish I was dead" comments

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Hi there,
My son is nearly 7 , has been diagnosed with aspergers and ADHD. He hates school, but has high IQ.
I am battling with what to say to help him. When he gets angry at himself, if he can't do something exactly as he wanted to, he says he is stupid, hates himself and wishes he was dead.......I just don't know what to say. I have tried saying that would make mummy very sad if he wasn't here, but am stuck on what else to say.
If anything happens, like I say "oh bugger" or if anything goes wrong, he automatically thinks it is his fault, he says "sorry mum, im sorry,its all my fault" even if it is totally not his fault.
Is this typical of asperger kids? does anyone have any suggestions please.
Thanks,
verticalmum.

sounds like more of a self-esteem/ negativity problem than AS.

try having him list three good things about himself. coach him at first (we already know he's smart and he cares when things go wrong for you. after he gets good at three things, gradually increase the list to ten.

point out his successes. if he makes a mistake say something like "well, that proves you're human. people make mistakes."

a series of small successes handled well can build self-esteem.

of course, you can point out that all humans have value just because they're human. the world would lose out on everything he is if he no longer existed.

and that you would miss him is a great answer. keep that up.

Do you think he is perfectionistic?

"Children who have perfectionist tendencies exhibit a continuum of behaviors. On one end of the spectrum are children who take pleasure from doing difficult tasks, setting high standards for themselves, and putting forth the necessary energy for great achievement. On the other end of the continuum are those children who are unable to glean satisfaction from their efforts due to their preset, unrealistic goals. Since mistakes are unacceptable, perfectionism provides these students with little pleasure and much self-reproach."


"Some characteristics of children who are extreme perfectionists:

• having exceptionally high expectations for themselves;
• being self-critical, self-conscious and easily embarrassed;
• having strong feelings of inadequacy and low self-confidence;
• exhibiting persistent anxiety about making mistakes;
• being highly sensitive to criticism;
• procrastinating and avoiding stressful situations or difficult tasks;
• being emotionally guarded and socially inhibited;
• having a tendency to be critical of others;
• exhibiting difficulty making decisions and prioritizing tasks;
• experiencing headaches or other physical ailments when they perform below the expectations of themselves or others."

from http://www.kellybear.com/teacherarticle ... Tip53.html

From what I've experienced with my own son (9 and diagnosed at 7),read, and from feedback I've gotten from teachers and therapists and parents of kids with Asperger's, the whole "I wish I were dead" thing is not uncommon. The low frustration tolerance which is often compounded with a tendency toward perfectionism is overwhelming. My son has, thankfully, learned how to deal with his frustration pretty well, but he still has a moment from time to time over the simplest things. Last night he was setting up his ant farm and a few of the ants escaped and he immediately started hitting himself in the head and screaming "I'm so stupid! I'm going to commit suicide!" With just a little bit of guidance he got himself under control fairly quickly.
I know it doesn't make it any easier to hear your kid say he wishes he were dead, but you are certainly not the only parent out there dealing with this issue. Good luck.

My daughter says these things. Mostly it is an expression of anger and frustration. Think of it as lashing out verbally. The thing is, things are very very intense for these kids. They are very smart and yet so much is too overwhelming. The statement is them shouting-"I want it to stop".

Tell him ways you make mistakes. That everyone makes mistakes. Give him concrete examples. Explain to him that it is ok to make mistakes because that is how we learn. Then let him make mistakes, and help him cope with it. I tried for too long to shield my daughter from the pain of failure by helping too much. That was a mistake. They need to feel the failure and cope with the resulting frustration...then they learn to cope with the feelings over time.

And praise him when he tries, even if he doesn't succeed.

My way is not for everyone, but this is how I handled that when mine were little. They picked up saying that from like tv or me or something. I've always talked to my kids like adults. Never watered anything down for them or hid things from them, etc.

My answer was "Really? You wish you were dead? Do you have any idea what they do to dead bodies just to get them ready for the funeral?" and then I described an embalming in detail. It's a special interest so I had books and I showed him the pictures. "See, thats a before and an after"

He quit saying it after that.

I also used to answer the "what if a monster eats me in here" when I put them to bed with "I doubt you'd taste very good. I mean they feed veal certain diets and you won't eat anything but cereal and pizza. Monsters probably eat vegetarian kids or something"

Last edited by OliveOilMom on 22 Jun 2012, 11:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

First, remind your son, nothing and no one is perfect, mistakes happen all the time, and it's not the end of the world.

Then, when ever your son says things like, "I wish I were dead", have him write down why he feels that way. The time it takes to think through and write down his feelings/reasons will give him the opportunity to calm down, and to get a grip on himself.

And always, always, remind him that everyone makes mistakes, and that it's not the end of the world. Keep telling him what to do after a mistake is to take a few deep breathes, then clean up or fix up the problem, if possible, and then move on. And don't forget to tell him that sometimes things can't be fixed, but that's still not the end of the world.

You could also try asking him--"If you had a kid who made such a mistake, would you want him/her getting so upset about it?"

Sometimes putting it in that sort of perspective can help.

I hope your son is able to find coping methods that will help him deal with his perfectionism.

First I know how scary this is.. I remember when my son used to say this. I was dreadfully upset, I thought my son was going to try and kill himself. His therapist put it into perspective for me. We all, even those without issues, say things like.. shoot me now, I wish I were dead, etc. It's a form of expression coming from feelings of frustration, anger, etc. It doesn't always mean we are going to do any of those things (my favorite is.. stick a fork in me im done, lol). So.. I guess I would look at the events going on when he is saying those things, then try and address the underlying issues (is he being bullied, is he upset because he is having school problems, etc....

We had this since DS was four and didn't even know the right words to say. In 3rd grade, things reached a crisis point and the language became much more serious - from "I wish I was dead" to "I want to kill myself" to "I'm going to get a knife and stab myself" to "Mom, what happens if you drink a bottle of nail polish?" (I now refuse to own nail polish - that was the single most frightening statement I have ever heard.) We'd been looking for help since he was 4, and had been largely dismissed, but when things escalated to the point of coming up with ways to do it, it was suggested that we take him to the ER at Children's and have him assessed. That did help, but let me explain some things first.

One, what we learned was this language, in its less extreme forms, is one expression of a pragmatic language deficit. DS has no other way to express despondence or fury. Pragmatic speech helped a lot with this. We try to redirect him when he says general things like "I wish I was dead" with something like "Wow, you must be really, really sad (or angry or frustrated or whatever.) In our house, our rule is not to talk about hurting ourselves or others - so you can say something like 'I am absolutely miserable.' That is a terrible feeling, I am so sorry." Not sure if your son talks things through with you, but first respecting his feelings and helping him express them is important. Finding out what's causing the feeling is important, too - but is a separate thing.

Two, when it escalated, we decided (with help from therapists trained in autism) the right course of action was to take it seriously. We took him to the Children's Hospital ER, where they gave us the option of admitting him (which means 3 days of heavy medication) or assessing him and releasing him. The social worker and psychologist talked to both him and us. One of the things that made me realize we were still in the world of language and expression and not of action was the psychologist asking if he was stealing and hiding drugs or knives or the like (he steals and hides candy.) However, we have told DS that those are serious things to say, that we have to be sure we are keeping him safe, and that if he says those things we will go back to the ER - not because that is a wrong way to feel, but because anyone who feels so bad that they might hurt themselves needs the help of a doctor right away. Those feelings are there to tell you that you need help.

It's a fine line to walk, and one I wouldn't walk without the help of a trusted professional -because the LAST thing you want them to do is stop talking to you! However, we've now been over a year and he rarely says even that he wishes he was dead - partly because he recognizes now that he has appropriate intervention, things do get better.

So, the short version: have your son's pragmatic speech tested and see if he can get therapy in pragmatics http://www.asha.org/public/speech/devel ... matics.htm Between seven and nine there is a developmental jump in social language that causes many of our kids to get their first diagnosis, as they often fall behind; it can cause all kinds of problems - but fortunately - at least for us - the therapy was very, very helpful.

There's a whole section on suicidal ideation in the parenting index, our story is detailed there as well as other parents'. Sadly, this is not uncommon (I had it and have it, too.)

Thank you so much for all your replys.
We saw the psyc on Saturday, and she was fantastic. We have a couple of strategies in place now.
Not reacting to the comments was one suggestion(need to keep note of when where and why still) but just saying something like,"that's not good,you must be frustrated" and getting on with trying to talk about it more possitivly .
Breathing when upset, and aknowledging that everyone makes mistakes and is not perfect.

His last speech therapist mentioned about pragmatics......I will look into that. We haven't been for a while, might be worth another visit.
Thanks again everyone.
Verticalmum.

I dunno, but my family did pretty much the opposite to me. Everything was my fault in their eyes, and to this day I wish I was never born because of it, and I often think about suicide. Of course, how often this happens is dependent on how well things are going in life, like my relationship and my job, for instance, but so many times I feel like I just want to give up. I try so hard, and it all seems to be for nothing. And I have zero self esteem and confidence because of it... I hope your son doesn't end up like this, but maybe there's nothing you can do if he's 7 and this is already happening. Sorry I can't really be of much help, but I hope you and your son both live rich fulfilling lives like I can't seem to do.

My son is now a bit older than your's, but he was first diagnosed with ADHD and AS traits at 7. He used to say similar things and it would break my heart. For him, I think it was because he just started to realize he was not like other kids. There was a period of a few months that had me in a near constant state of despair.

I usually would say something like "I see you are upset because you <insert issue here>, but I don't believe that makes you stupid. We know for a fact that you are very smart." And then if there was some way that I could help him problem-solve through the issue I would. I think our kids need help learning appropriate ways to express strong feelings, and sometimes as parents it is hard to do this, and we must always make sure we model it, too.

Keep your chin up. I know our kids are not the same, but my son almost never says stuff like that anymore. He has basically come to terms with the fact that he is not like other kids, but at this point he can see that although he may be "worse" in some ways, he's "better" in others, and the things that make him "better" are my absolutely most favorite things of all.