New Discussion on old post - My boyfriend's son has Asperger

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I am struggling with a relationship due to a child with Asperger's. Now before all of you attack me, I would like to share some of my journey with you. I am a Mother to three grown sons who are at various stages in life, all healthy and well. I myself was diagnosed with cancer in 2001, just 15 weeks after my divorce was final and 2 weeks before my oldest son's high school graduation. Several years later, my medical and household expenses became to great to manage and was financially ruined. I did not, thankfully, lose my job and rebuilt my finances and continued to support my family. In 2010, following our first family vacation in years, my oldest son was diagnosed with an advance stage (4) cancer. I commuted between my home and his home, a three hour flight one way, to attend doctor's appointments and support my son and his wife. He is in remission now and they were able to conceive, I am now Grandma to a beautiful 14 month old boy, actually my second as my middle son blessed me with a grandson in 2012. My struggle is with the stress and uncertainty, disruption that is our day-to-day existence. When I met my significant other he was not the custodial parent and his two sons were living with their mother. My SO would travel at least once a month to spend the weekend with his son's and had them on holidays and breaks, his Aspey son is nearly 16. A year and a half ago, the mother of this boy decided she could not "deal with" him any longer and kicked him out to live with his Dad, drastically changing the dynamic of my relationship with his Dad. I fully supported his Dad in taking custody of his son and have urged him to validate this legally as well as to, at least, get financial support for the boy from his Mom. For my part, however much I love his Dad, I am at a point where I feel that I deserve happiness and not the stress that has become our reality. As the Mom is unwilling to travel to the city where we live to see her son, he is with us 24X7 making it difficult to even plan an evening out. If this boy's own mother is incapable of enduring the burden of patience and support that he needs, how can I possibly be? Where I should be happy, relieved and grateful for every day, I am tired, stressed and frustrated because a man who once professed his love for me, has no time to invest in me and our relationship any longer. I am fairly certain of what I need to do, break my own heart for the better of my boyfriend and his son. I guess this post is to just ask you to be a bit more compassionate when non-parents ask for support, you don't know their journey.

If you can't or don't want to deal, that's just the way it is for you - no judgement there - and you are wise to recognize that you have no place to make demands of your significant other to choose you over his son. If you're going to get out, though, I suggest you do it quickly. They don't need the stress of you sticking around being so unhappy.

First off, I am sorry about you and your son's cancer. It is horrible enough to go through it yourself much less with your son. I am sorry.

Generally the only time I get "pissy" is when a person comes on and wants it all ---except the Aspie kid. I have zero issues with people who want to bail from the relationship. In fact, that is generally what I advise the person do. I never expect or even imply that the person should be a martyr and give up his/her life's happiness for a life they do not want. My issues are when the bf/gf/wife/husband expects the Aspie's parent to bail on his/her own child for the sake of the relationship. That is abhorrent and clearly not what you are aiming to do.

It isn't that I don't care about the NT (neurotypical) SO's well-being, it is just that if they come off like Hansel and Gretel's step-mom, I am really not going to have empathy for them. That would be true if they wanted to kick their SO's NT kid to the curb, as well. My way of thinking of it is, if the person wants the relationship, he/she accepts the kid, as he/she has a better claim on the parent than a bf or gf or even a new husband or wife.

I think your issue is more that you are balancing out the love for your bf vs. the complications his life has now, and that it did not have when you met him. I don't think anyone here, aspie or NT, expects martyrdom, much less would flame anyone who does not want to be one.

I don't have issues with anything you posted other than you misunderstanding about what causes the upset.

Thanks to you both. I spoke to my SO about this last week and he suggested that I gain a better understanding. I have been doing quite a bit of reading so that I have a level of understanding. In this case, I found this forum and wanted advice from parents so I appreciate your candor and quick response. For quite some time, I have been working to ensure that my SO and his son have time together and join them when asked and appropriate. I do think in this case, and based on your responses, that my SO needs no distractions which does include me. My SO works and travels a good bit so life demands already constrain his schedule, he does not need my presence to further distraction. Children, regardless of abilities, are blank slates and it is our job as parent to leave them with the "fabric and fiber" to be successful, as much as possible. The best way to support my SO is to be the best friend possible for now and nothing more. Thank you

I think the only thing I want to add at this point is to ask you to make sure that your boyfriend decides what is best for him, instead of you being tempted to use an assumption as a cover to do what is best for you. I understand and have sympathy for your situation, I want to make that clear, but please make sure that you don't negate the complexities of the variables by deciding on your own what is best for them, because such assumptions are rarely accurate. I would hate to see you both split based on inaccurate assumptions. Communicate fully and honestly, and be sure you have listened carefully, as well.

I married my wife about 5 years ago. She had children and I had children. I am the one with the diagnoses of aspergers and there are times that I am not there for my wife. I can understand how you feel coming from her perspective. I realize your husband is not the one with it but his son. I was only diagnosed about 6 months ago so am trying now to be the man that she married.