bad parent

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my parents were really bad parents they used to hit me, yell at me wholetime and were uncooperative

i am being nice to my son, i talk with him, i control my temper, i was taking up his lessons also
but lately i feel i am not doing a good job
i cant cope up with the competition that other parents are presenting

those who had good childhood are themself doing very well as parents
they are able to make friends, socialise and their children do well in studies
as well as in extra curricular activities

my son as lot of constipation problems, at age of 8 he still does potty in pants
he is fussy, aggressive, doesnt take interest in studies
he backanswers

i am tired i dont know how to raise him properly
basically i dont know how to handle myself.

While some people manage to make parenting look easy, no one actually has it that easy. You are never as alone as you think you are, although finding the right person to share with can be really, really hard.

What do you have in the way of a support system right now? Do you have anything at all? That would be the first thing, to not feel alone; it makes so much difference.

my husband helps me whenever he is at home
but he is quite lenient and my son takes advantage of that fact
he is the only support system i have
otherwise i am alone in my struggle
today he bunked tuitions and was playing computer games
his exams are there in 4 days
he isnt studying
i kept telling him to go to tuitions
my patience with him is over totally
i just hope i dont end up taking some crazy step
also i guess i have bipolar which is going on a high nowadays

Here is an article I found interesting that gives some basic guidelines for parenting. Maybe it could help you through some ideas.

Parenting Styles

thanks for the article
i dont know how to practically apply it
it gets tough many times

Lets talk about the exams. What types of exams and how essential are they? I'm also not sure what you mean by tuitions.

You wrote that your son is 8. If that age is correct, understand that it is normal for a child that age to have trouble staying focused on studies. The age appropriate norm is no more than 30 minutes of homework or study per school day, and one way to help him achieve that is with timers and rewards. Break it down into 10 or 15 minute increments and let him know that if he can stay focused for that amount of time, he gets something fun (my son used to love being able to order me to act silly). Set 30 focused minutes (or maybe 45) as the limit for the day. One thing that happens with kids this age is that they can't see the end of the tunnel; they look at their workload and think they'll never get to play. If they know that they are done at a certain time, provided they can stick to it, they have incentive to stick to it. That suggestion came from one of my son's teachers and it worked super well.

It can also help to visually break up the pages he is studying, because a whole page of work can be very overwhelming to AS kids.

After that, you let go of your expectations. Children need to learn a bit by trial and error. It is one thing to tell them their grades will suffer; it is another thing for them to see that their grades aren't what they thought they should have. Unless you are in an usual situation, it shouldn't be the end of the world if your child doesn't perform that well on exams. I realize standards in different countries are different, and maybe it means more there than it does here, but one thing to think about is just how important is all this at this young stage in your child's life? You want to pick your battles, and pick what you'll stress out over; don't fight fights that won't matter all that much in 3 years.

I have a very smart child, but homework and studying were very difficult for him until 7th grade or so. I spent a lot of time sitting with him, coaxing him, breaking things down, and selling him on why he needed to do what he was doing. That was an investment I made in my child, something I took on as being an extra job because of who my unique child was. He had failures. But now, in High School, where it matters, he knows what to do, how to stay on task, and how to get himself through. He is a straight A honors student. But we didn't get there by expecting very much of him when he was 8; at that age what he needed was patience and free space from us, and a lot of help. You figure out what your unique child needs, and you give it to him. Let go of the set ideas in your head (we all have them) and figure out your unique child.

Anyway. That was my approach, and it worked for my son and I. Only you can decide what will work for your family.

I am sorry you don't have much support, but hopefully we on this board can fill that in a bit.

namaste,

Don't beat yourself up like your parents did to you when you were a kid. You're worth more than that. Maybe your folks couldn't get over their own personal demons but you can. Be proud that even though things are amazingly stressful, you're hanging in there. You haven't lost control, you're coming here for help, that's all excellent stuff.

First thing I would do is take a breath, count all your blessings, and dive back in, you're still learning for godsakes! I tend to beat myself up quite a bit, I'm a father as well, and I try to measure my performance in life and as a father by effort, and not always by result. Am I making mistakes, yes, am I getting back in there and trying harder, sometimes..... Can you grade your performance as a mom and a person as A+ or 100% every day, impossible. Can you grade yourself with a A on good days, maybe some B's on regular days, a few C and a couple of F's....that sounds more reasonable.

Personally, I put enough effort into my performance as a human being to get C's(70%) and above every day. I'm a bit of an underacheiver lol...

Take a breath Namaste, give yourself a break for goodness sakes

Namaste, what part of the world are you in? Most places have some kind of social support, either for all parents or especially for parents of kids with special needs and/or parents who have special needs themselves.

No matter how much we try to make it like one, parenting is not a one-person job. You need support, and some of that needs to be someone who will back you up, and not make you into the "bad guy." I'd suggest finding a time to discuss this issue with your husband, as he probably does not intend to make your job harder, but he needs to know specifically what he's doing that is causing you distress.

I didn't have a terrific set of parents, myself - but the one gift I did get from them: a negative example. I may not always know what TO do, but I do have some very specific things that I have worked hard to avoid. One thing I learned from their bad example: think of our family as a team, all working together to make sure my son has what he needs when he's an adult. To think of my son as a person who's part of that team, and as an individual human being helps me a lot, too.

You sound like you could benefit from a break, too. Can you hire a babysitter or ask a relative to take your child on an outing once a week, so you have time to collect your thoughts?