How to explain this?

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*posting this here because while my daughter is NT, I most likely have AS and it's a parenting issue*

As "Holly" has become a teen, she's started noticing more where I am "different" from other parents, and I think some of that frustrates and embarrasses her. One of the things which has come up is that of her associating AS with being mentally challenged....the following are a few examples of where this comes from.

- during a family vacation last summer (which I was not at) apparently my sister mentioned something about when I got pregnant, my then-therapist suggested that the family press charges against the father, because I had the mentality of an 8 year-old.

- we had a family in our neighborhood whose eldest son has severe autism,"Holly" noticed similarities between his issues and mine, and this boy apparently does have the mental function of a much younger kid. (I believe he's in his mid-teens, but mentally is like a six year-old)

- In many ways, I am "behind" both of my younger siblings when it comes to what you'd call milestones in life......I'm the only one who isn't married, doesn't own a home, can't drive,......etc.

- I DO have some learning problems with math, which were never diagnosed or treated when I was younger, so I'll admit I am "slow" in that respect.

Anyhow, my question is........what's a good way to try to explain to "Holly" that just because someone does or may have AS, that doesn't mean they are mentally challenged?

First of all, I hope someone pointed out to your sister how blatantly inappropriate her comment in front of your daughter was. To begin with, it gave her reason to question you, her mother, which is awful enough in itself, but on top of that, what kid wants to hear that they were the product of rape, which is basically what your sister said? I mean, if you want to talk about poor judgment, your sister seems to have that issue sealed up.

You could have her read "Look Me In the Eye" or "Born on a Blue Day." I think it would be fairly impossible to read either of those books and walk away thinking that everyone with AS is mentally challenged. John Elder Robinson and Daniel Tamnet are both clearly intelligent in ways that most of us are not. Yet they both are recognizable as "weird" or "different." After she reads the book, it might be easier for you to have a conversation with her, because some of the stereotypes she may now have may be shaken. It would be important for her to know afterward that not everyone with AS has such amazing abilities, but it should help her see that just like with NTs, some people have above average intelligence, whereas some people are average, and some people are below average. But just because you struggle with some things does not necessarily mean that you are mentally challenged.

I am sure others will have different feedback. I wish you the best of luck!

I think the books are a good idea, and simply being honest. I think it is good for kids to understand that parents come with their own challenges, and for them to also see how we adapt or overcome.

But one thing to remember: teenage daughters are embarrassed by their mothers no matter how wonderful they are, so please don't turn this into something where you feel you have to apologize for who you are. It is a normal part of growing up for girls to separate their identities from that of their mothers by basically thinking mom is uncoordinated, embarrassing, tactless, unattractive and more. There is nothing personal about it; pretty much all teenage girls go through that. it is just something the seem to have to do. In their twenties they'll change their mind.

Well aside from ripping your sister a new one, which I hope you did, I would have a talk with your daughter when it comes up in natural conversation. I probably would not bring it up out of the blue.

What you should say will depend in part on what you said to her when she told you what your sister said.

Possible things to say:

1) I would tell her that there is a lot of prejudice and an ignorant stigma around things like AS.
2) I would tell her that your sister and parents, unfortunately are in that group.(which based on what you said, appears to be true.)
3) Be honest and tell her, if that makes you sad, but that it is a reflection on them, not on you.
3) Reassure her that you are glad you had her.
4) Tell her that EVERYONE has strengths and weaknesses.
5) Answer questions when and if they come.


Your sister sounds like a jerk.