To NT parents from a 29-y/o Aspie

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I realize there might not be many around here whose Aspie kids are already 20 or older. But I'd like to get this out anyway.

I'm 29, just diagnosed this year. I only went to see the MH doc at my parents' request; they'd heard a speaker who shared his experiences, and it answered a lot of questions.

My mom frustrates me. I know she only does stuff out of love, but it drives me nuts! We've had countless "discussions" on stuff I really don't care about. A few examples:

1) My clothes -- I'm always gonna be a "t-shirt and jeans" person, and I prefer shirts in large size. I like guys' clothes because they're comfortable; I can't stand anything tight or "form-fitting" regardless of how good it looks on me. My mom bugs me to buy stuff that is more feminine. I suppose I'm still a tomboy, and I guess I sometimes feel like I was born the wrong gender. Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% straight. I will wear a dress (at a wedding, for example), but only when the situation "requires" dresses and such.

2) Posture -- I know I should stand up straighter and all that, but so what.

3) My parents sometimes talk about teeth whitening systems between themselves (when I'm in earshot) as their way of a subtle hint that I should use them too...but they're gross, I can't stand using them. I've tried. And it's not like I don't brush my teeth.

How do I get Mom off my back?!?!

i dunno, im 15, un diadnosed , and have the same issues with my mom(all but the teeth thing, my moms obsessive about this so,as a result, i dont need a whitener)tell me when you fing out. also ,sorry cant help my self but, ITS CHUCKY FINSTER!! !!aaaaah!! ! where'd you find that?!

you can't get them off your back its what a parent does.. I am not aspie but my mom was very much like what your mom is.. you just get pretty think skin.. my son is aspie and I never harrass him over his clothes.. i am the wrong person to talk to it about because I am just like you.. i hate too tight clothes. can't stand jeans cause they never fit me.. i think at your age it might be time to find someplace to live other than your parents home??? but if your parents are like this you are not going to change them unless they want to change.. do they realize that they hurt you? do they understand that you are sensitive to their comments??? you might want to have a heart to heart with them.. yes they do things because they want you to appear the way they find acceptable.. I am 41 and I get attitude fromy my mom all the time. it never ends.. I just learn to tune it out.. and i point out if my hubby has no issues then they should not... good luck.. have a talk with them.

One option could be to move out. Things have gotten better for me, since I've made that decision. Be as independent as you can, while using the supports that you need.

From Samuel Butler's The Way of All Flesh

Dear Aspie4jc:
First, your parents will never back off. I aggree with someone else above this comment who said that. Move out is probably good advice if you can afford to do that. If not, I hope the following will help.

At 29, you are who you are. As long as what you do doesn't hurt other people (physically), you're going to have to learn, somehow, to live with other people's opinions, listen to them, and not let them change your opinions or threaten or in this case frustrate you. Which is to say, that you need to hear them out politely (if you don't already) and then go do what you want to. Again, I'm assuming that nothing you do is aimed at physically hurting people.

Clothes. At this point in your life, your clothes are your business. As a parent, I hate what my 17-year-old son wears (except it could be a lot worse), but it's his choice. I have expressed my opinion, told him I don't agree with his choices, but at 17 (nearly 18) it's his business.

Posture: If you're a woman, you'd better watch that for physical reasons, not for social reasons. That too, is entirely up to you, but as you get older, you'll have back trouble.

Teeth whitening? How bizzare is that? I think I'd run screaming from the room.

Your mom will never back off. And, actually, she shouldn't either. Which doesn't mean to say that you're not free to politely and sometimes silently reject her advice (you don't have to respond with anything but a smile and "I'll think about it." )

I am not female, and I don't have a girl child (sorry, you're not a child, but to them you are), so I never grew up female, and if we had a girl-child, I'd probably leave a lot of the talking to my wife, who did grow up female, but I have a son, and I grew up male, and there are certain things I've learned the hard way, and I'd rather not have my son repeat the mistakes. Most of the time, he doesn't, but it's not because of anything I say. BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP ME FROM SAYING IT, and he's probably just as annoyed with me as you are with your mom. So why don't I just shut up? Because I can't. I love him, and part of that is a protective instinct! It's built in. It never goes away. If he doesn't want to hear me, the minute he turns 18, he's free to move out. I'll miss him, but I'll understand.

No, you are not a baby, or even a young teenager, but that's a very hard switch for parents to make (maybe even impossible), and you'll have to develop a coping strategy that doesn't make you nervous, and doesn't imply to your mom or dad that you're rejecting THEM. Just the advice.....which, at your age, is your right.

Maybe "I'll think about it," is the best you can do. You didn't say you'd change anything. Just that you heard what they said, and you'll think about it.

Hope this helps
Beentheredonethat

Move out.

If my parents only bugged me about the little things...

Anyhow, my son has high-functioning autism and I change his shirt about two times a day minimum, but all the complaining comes from his school. I've had nasty letters written to me about his appearance - hair, they claimed his teeth were unbrushed (BS) and that he takes off his shoes in class among many other offensive accusations. I handled it with a letter of complaint to the district cc'd to my lawyer.

My point is, your parents may be bothering you, but there are probably a lot more people bothering them about the way you dress or your teeth. They just want what's best for you - I had bad posture and now have neck and back pain from it, so when my mother bothered me I wish I had listened. Don't get mad at them for caring, just do what makes you feel good and at the same time try and find some solice in the fact that they have their own issues to deal with.

It also doesn't hurt to mix your baggy pants with a cute fitted t-shirt or fitted button down shirt and some docs or cute, comfortable boots (instead of tennis shoes) It's still comfy and you look like you're dressing in a style rather than like a boy. Carpenter pants (with a low waist cut) can be quite comfortable and look cute too. It's a win-win for you and your parents. And the next time they mention your teeth ask them to take you to get them whitend by a dentist (the kind that takes one session and is done with light). Because of your Asperger's you couldn't possibly have the patience or remember to use the system routinely enough for it to work. It costs a couple hundred dollars, ( but it's one hour and your done) if they're serious about whitening your teeth they'll pay it, and if they cheap out - they'll never mention whitening your teeth again. Either way, you're no longer bothered with it .

Mom, now that we know I have AS then you should know my clothes are a sensory issue. I would change it if I could but I just can't function in those kinds of clothes. All I can think about is how they're too tight, too small, too rasping. I have to be able to think about other things and not just about my clothes.

Mom, now that we know I have AS, then we should be glad I at least brush my teeth. Putting that stuff in my mouth makes me physically ill.

Mom, I heard you the first time, and the second time, and the third time. I'm doing the best I can so please stop making me feel like I'm not good enough.

Try something like that - since they did identify your condition and help you, then perhaps they will also listen if you just acknowledge their helpful comments and ask them to please stop.

I only wear tee shirts and jeans, too, unless I have a reason to wear something nicer. I haven't been bothered much about it, but I think that's probably b/c I wear tight jeans. I like them to be tight. I guess it was attractive when I was younger and thin (at least I was told it was), but now that I've had 3 kids and have some extra baggage, maybe not so nice looking, but no one says anything b/c they assume the jeans are pre-baby and I just need to lose some weight. Nope, they're new, I like them to be tight. And my tee shirts are women's v-necks. I can't stand anything to touch my neck, so women's v-necks are the best for me. It's not fair, but I get away w/ tee shirts and jeans simply b/c I like tight jeans and for some stupid reason women are expected to wear clothes that are form fitting. Most of my shirts are a size or 2 too big. I do have some form fitting shirts, but I feel weird wearing them and don't wear them often. Especially since I was told that my boobs are too big now to wear tight shirts. I don't understand why it was ok to wear tight shirts when my breasts were smaller, but it's not ok now that they're bigger (b/c I'm nursing.) I'm 29 years old as well.

I would not recommend low waisted pants to anyone. I think they are the most awful invention and so uncomfortable. Great, if you like them, but I find them uncomfortable and I'm sure no one really wants to see all the butt cracks that are showing these days since the low rise pants are in style. Disgusting.

If YOU want to try dressing a bit more "normal" an option is to try on some womens loose fit jeans (like carpenter jeans, like the pp suggested) and shirts a size too big. They might look better to your mom enough to get her off your back, and you may find them comfortable. I also have a few long skirts. THey are very loose and comfortable. I wear them w/ tee shirts as well. lol I have a blue LL Bean knit skirt and some like the frilly and plainer skirts like the ones towards the middle/bottom of this page: http://www.tznius.com/cgi-bin/group.pl?id=26 They're SO comfortable. And if you get women's too big tee shirts, even though they're too big, they still look better than men's b/c the cut is different and more flattering to the figure. You can order clothes on the internet and send them back if they don't fit well or youdon't like them. I order things from JC Penney online all the time mainly b/c I don't have to go to the store, they have great online sales, and if it doesn't fit, I can park at the mall entrance right by the catalog desk and return them there, which saves me both return shiipping hassle AND a trip inside the actual mall.

Regardless, sit down and either write a note or verbally tell your parents how bad all this nagging is making you feel. Tell them about your sensory issues that come into play w/ your clothes and the teeth whiteners. (But please do work on you posture, that is a health issue w/ back pain, etc. I used to have bad posture and my grandmother nagged me. When she died, I decided to carry out her wishes, so every time I thought of her I stood up straighter. I still have bad posture when I'm sitting, but it's good when I stand. )

Oh, and they do make whitening toothpastes now. If you don't like the kind found in grocery stores, etc, which taste nasty and I find gritty, try going to a store like Whole Foods market or a local natural foods store, and see if they have any "natural" whitening toothpastes. They come in yummy flavors like apricot and strawberry as well as mints, fennel, etc.

I have two daughters and would think it most impertinent of me to comment on tooth whitening systems for them or on their clothes being "unfeminine". Maybe in the US, people are all hung-up about tooth whitening, but here we prefer a more natural look ie. cream coloured teeth.

I have sensory issues with too tight clothes, scratchy tags and hot shoes, plus make up feeling too heavy. Where possible, I like wearing T shirts and Jeans or straight dresses and either bare feet or sandals. So, I don't think I have any right to criticise what my daughters wear. They are usually fine anyway. They still think I fuss too much about money though as I ask them if they have enough.

Maybe it is a cultural thing but it seems like some parents are too much control freaks and need to lighten up, back off a bit and just chill. It's possible to care for children without nitpicking about every tiny little thing.

It has now occurred to me that all the remarks by the parents about clothes, teeth and posture as because they would most probably like to marry off their daughter. By having pretty dresses, sparkly white teeth and straight posture, she might be able to "bait the hook" as it were, and attract a male friend and this might lead to marriage and kiddies at some stage. They are probably worried about what will happen once they get really old and even pass on.

This plan could be good in theory but not so fine in practice. Firstly and most importantly, it totally ignores the personal preferences of the lady with autism. We often have different priorities in life and popularity and trying to attract partners might not be one of them. For some of us, we want to be admired for who we are rather than what we wear.

Quite a few adult Aspies are asexual and/or not interested in a conventional marriage, 2 kids, a dog, a house in the 'burbs, and a picket fence. It is completely pointless to get married unless the two people are completely certain that is what they want to do. The high divorce rates suggest that unwise choices are being made very frequently.

Not all Aspies wish to have children either. They might need too much looking after themselves to be able to take on the responsibility of one or more children as well. They might also be concerned about passing on their condition to their children. Or they just mightn't want children!

Having a career is a socially accepted reason for not having children so why not accept the other reasons as being valid too?

Nagging drove me out of the house FAST.

Yes, it is such a waste of time and surely they must realise that by now but entrenched behaviours as so hard to get rid of.