raising an autistic child

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My son, Zachary, is 2 years and 7 months old. When he was about 6 months old, I noticed that he didn't like making eye contact. He would look away and attempt to avoid it whenever we attempted to make eye contact, which was the first of many red flags. As he got older, he wouldn't respond to his name being called, and regressed in various forms of communication after having been somewhat verbal a few weeks prior. He was saying mama and dadda, and baba, and ball. Then he just stopped. When he was about a year old, I asked his doctor about the things I was noticing, He attempted to make eye contact with Zack and agreed that it was something to look into. He gave me the information on the Regional Center in my area, and told me that I would have to wait until Zack was 18month old to have him evaluated.

Zack made a great many advances during that time, but with those advances came other signs. He really liked spinning the wheels on his toy cars, had an obsession with circles and holes...anything round. When he started walking, he almost immediately started spinning. He also liked to turn his head to the side and look out of the corner of his eye. He also preferred to play alone. And would sometimes become upset when we would attempt to engage him. By the time he was old enough to be evaluated, I already knew. I'd been researching signs of autism since before I approached his doctor. And as he got older and more active, more and more behaviors were becoming obvious.

At 18 months he was evaluated and qualified for early intervention services with the regional center. After months of paperwork and waiting, he began therapy 2 weeks before his 2nd birthday. Since then he's had in home therapy with Aces, 5 days a week for 2 hours a day. He also has speech therapy twice a week and occupational therapy twice a week for an hour each session. I can't express just how grateful I am for these services. They have helped my family tremendously since we started. My only regret is having waited. I could have forced the issue, and made a bigger case for my son to begin these therapies sooner. But I was hopeful that he would advance in his communication and social skills in those 6 months before his evaluation. As it is, all of his behavioral interventionists, and other therapists were thrilled that we got him evaluated as young as he was.

He is now much more communicative. Though verbalizing and speech are still a struggle. We are transitioning from using sign, to verbalization and he gets frustrated when we insist he use the word rather than sign for what he wants. He responds to his name, and makes MUCH better eye contact, although he will still attempt to avoid it at times, when he's stimming, or feeling shy. He follows verbal commands more regularly, though not always. He uses his ipad completely independently. He has dozens of puzzle apps, which he masters far too quickly. But his favorite is the youtube app where he has his favorites folder with all his nursery rhymes. He loves music, he likes it when I sing and play guitar for him, or just when I put on some music and we dance. He even attempts to sing, which is so completely adorable it melts my heart. He also loves wooden puzzles and matching games. He loves the shape sorters and blocks. He loves playing in water, and helping clean up his toys. Which is both adorable and rather convenient for us. haha. He is very affectionate, enjoys hugs and cuddles. He loves books. They were his first interest aside from circles.

Recently, within the past few weeks, he started counting. We have counting games and he has counting apps on his ipad, but he had never counted out loud before. We were sitting at his table and he counted to five. Out of the blue, and very clearly. Enunciating perfectly. A few days later, after counting to five numerous times, he counted to ten! He skipped eleven and jumped to twelve, then fourteen. But all the same, I was overjoyed at the sound of his voice. A few days after that, and continued counting to ten, he counted to four, then I said five, and we went on and on, to twenty. Some of the longer numbers he said were a little muddled. But he's two. And he's counting!

He is a very smart little boy. And while he may be a bit clumsy and struggle with certain areas of socialization and speech right now, I have no doubt that with continued aid and therapy, he will grow into an amazing, unique individual. Even with all my worries and fears, he continues to amaze me all the time, with his incredible advancements and how quickly he learns in certain areas. He's fairly stubborn, and I feel that some of his behaviors or refusal to comply have nothing to do with a lack of understanding and everything to do with his mighty little will.

There are times when he is off in his little world, seeing things in a way I'll never understand. And he seems so happy yet so distant. But during those moments when he's with me. Here and now and looking at me and seeing me, I want to make those moments last. To know for sure that he knows what I'm saying, and that he understands, truly, what I mean when I tell him I love him so, so much.

I'll never stop trying to learn more about, and better understand the way his mind works. I'll never begrudge him his unique view, or attempt to force him to change who he is. I only want for him to not have to struggle. Is there more I can do to guide him, to teach him? How can I get those moments of awareness to last longer?

As individuals who grew up on the spectrum, or are raising a child who is, what helped you learn best, how to communicate? It's becoming obvious that he understands more of what I say than I give him credit for. Did you know more than you let on as a child? Was there a point in your youth where you were better able to control the stimming behaviors? Is there any way to control it?

I apologize for the barrage of questions there. I'm just trying to better understand the way my son learns and what I can do to help him live this crazy thing we call life. Thank you for reading this long post. And I thank you in advance for any comments or advice you may have for me.

I don't want reality to stamp on what is obviously very special to you, but like you say, he's two, and autistic or not he won't really understand what you mean when you say you love him. What you do on the other hand, is how you get this concept across, and it seems as if your actions emulate your words just fine. He might not understand it explicitly, but he know it, without there being words attached.


I understand this want, I really do, but struggling is how we learn what we are capable of. As long as we are given the right tools, we can not only be helped up by others when we fall, but we can find ways to help ourselves up too. Your son will have to struggle, that is the nature of being human. It's how he faces his challenges and how he finds ways to overcome them that is important.


Instead of wanting these moments of awareness, of you, to last longer, maybe try to join him in his moments of awareness of his world. People do like to call it being in your own 'little world' (I use the same phrase myself), but actually the world he is seeing is so much bigger than you would expect. It's huge, it's incredible, and he's learning from it. If you could tap into it, you could use his world to teach him as well. Try googling 'Intensive Interaction' (especially with Phoebe Caldwell) and see what you think of it.


I learned best on a swing and trampoline. Why? Stimming!


Of course! Didn't we all?


Question is why you want to control it. If stimming is not getting in the way of learning or doing things, then I wouldn't be too worried about it. I'm in my late 20s, am getting my 3rd degree and I still stim. Like author Rudy Simone
says, though, it's not really self-'stimulating' behaviour, it's self-'soothing' behaviour. I stim to feel calmer, whether it's because I'm excited or anxious. If I didn't stim when I needed to I would explode. I don't so much 'control' it as I do 'modulate' it. I might flap in private, but I bounce on my toes in public. Sometimes my stim is running or going for a walk. When I was younger my mum had one of those mini exercise trampolines in the living room and I would bounce (i.e. stim) on that for hours.

Temple Grandin talks about how when she was old enough to understand, she was not allowed to stim at the dinner table. Afterwards, though, she could stim all she liked.

Point is, Have Autism - Will Stim. It's up to you to set boundaries on what is appropriate and what isn't, but you have to take into consideration the why behind the behaviour too.

But it sounds like you're really switched on to your son, and just this is (and will be) a huge benefit to him.

Thank you, Nikkt, for your response. Your advice on intensive interaction was such a wonderful lead. Thank you! I think it will really help us. I've been looking for anything that will help me help him, and I've also wondered why we should curb his stimming behaviors when they seem to make him so happy. It wasn't really explained very well why we should stop him from doing certain things, like spinning or waving his fingers, or looking out of the corner of his eye. His therapy sessions tend to focus on getting him away from those behaviors, and only sometimes are we encouraged to join him in them. Like when he runs, which he does often, up and down the hallway, I will take his hand and run with him. He likes this, so regardless of if I'm told he shouldn't do it so often, I feel that it's something he likes that I can do with him, and he likes when I do it with him. It seems to fall in line with what I've read on intensive interaction. I would love any opportunity to delve into his world. And I will do more research into intensive interaction as it seems to be a great way to bridge the gap between us! I think that some of what they do in his home therapy sessions is like this intensive interaction, but for the most part it seems like they just stick to a regimented program and chart progress. He will master a certain task three times before they move on to a new one. Which has made a huge impact. But I think integrating more of his world into ours might be the key to really aid him in learning and understanding.

In his OT sessions he starts off on the swing. He LOVES it! So he starts there for a few minutes before they move on to other activities. It calms him down enough to focus on other things. I am planning to build him a swing on our porch where I can interact with him at home. He loved his swing when he was a baby. But he's much too big for that one now. And outgrew it before we knew how it could help.

I love this site so much! It's wonderful! I now understand how little the average person really understands about autism and other spectrum disorders. There is so much ignorance in the world. It can be so frustrating explaining to someone that there is nothing "wrong" with my child, he just learns differently, and is possibly(probably) smarter than the majority of the ignorant adults who would label him ret*d. I love that I can come here and get a glimpse of what it might be like when my son grows up, what obstacles we might face together, and the successes he will achieve.

Sorry to hijack your post but I have a question about stimming. My ASD son is 3 1/2, We build a play ground in our yard because we saw how much the kids love the park and my 3 yo love the swing. He swings on it as much as he likes which adds up to about 1- 1.5 hour a day. He sometimes swings with his eyes closed and looks so relaxed. I figured the swing was a stim for him. However, I thought he would do it more, but nope, when he is done he is done. His other major stim is looking at his fingers or putting 2 objects in one hand and looking at it from different angles (I also think he stims by looking out the window of the car when we drive). He also runs, but I don't know if that's a stimm of if he just likes to run since he runs in shoes or barefoot, it doesn't matter.

What I don't quite understand about the stimm is, if it makes him relaxed, why does he seem sometimes like he is bored with it. He will do it for a few mintues, literally drop his stim, and start doing something else that's clearly not a stim. It is so abrupt sometimes. Is that common when kids stim, that they can just flip a switch and be done with it and want to do sometime totally different? Also, if he is stimming and we are doing something he wants to do, he will just drop his stim and come over. Does this sound common?

That seems a lot like my son. He will suddenly start and stop the stim. There are times when I'm sure where ever we are, it will be overwhelming to him and he will stim. But he doesn't, then other times, when all is quiet and we are just hanging out at home, he will suddenly start. And sometimes if I start singing his favorite song, or if I grab his ipad while he's stimming, he will abruptly stop and come to see what I'm doing.

I think because he's still so young, it's hard to tell what will overwhelm him and what won't. Especially since he's so unpredictable with it sometimes. But the starting and stopping suddenly seems pretty in line with what my kiddo does.

Also, you should look up the intensive interaction. It does a better job of explaining the brain's connections with the stimming behavior. And look up phoebe caldwell like nikkt suggested. It might help you better understand your childs behavior and why they do it.

Thanks ZacksMom I think you’ve hit on something here – that regimented, structured learning and intensive interaction/getting into his world are both very useful. I recently attended a conference at the Melbourne Children’s Hospital which said precisely this. And thinking back to my early childhood, my mother would get into ‘my’ world (our house was like one big sensory gym) in order to teach me about ‘the’ world. The structure and routine made me feel safe, while taking advantage of my stims made me feel engaged.

Sounds like your son’s home therapy sessions are going great, and it’s probably good practice for him to put away his stims for a while, if only so he learns he can always come back to them later. And if when he does come back to them you join in too (like the running up and down the hall), well, that’s just plain euphoria. I also love your idea about building a swing; it’s how I learned sequential information like days of the week and months of the year, and how I just enjoyed being alive.

I used to stim in a similar way too – I’d look at an object out of one eye, then the other, then back and forward like that for ages. I was continually amazed that I could make the object ‘move’ just by looking at it with different eyes. I also had fun looking out the car window for many different reasons – either to look at the clouds, or shadows, or to line up the power poles with a particular pass-point on the window, or to watch how fast different objects went by or to watch the pattern of raindrops...perspective was something I was amazed at and played with constantly. Perhaps this is why I love photography and art so much.

Running could also be a stim, it can be for me, in which case it’s the rhythmic nature coupled with the pressure through my joints that makes it wonderful.

Like I wrote before, it might look like he’s in his own ‘little world’, but he’s actually experiencing the world as his brain is allowing him to experiencing it, and something that seems so small to others can actually be a rich, fabulous experience.


There are many reasons why spectrum kids (and adults) stim. Sometimes it’s because of anxiety, sometimes because of happy excitement, and sometimes because it’s the most interesting thing to do at the time, so if something more interesting comes up, or if the stimming’s done its job of being a calmative, it’ll stop, or change. This still happens to me and I'm in my late 20s.

If you’re not sure why your child does a particular stim, do it yourself and see what you experience. At a conference once, Tony Attwood said “Have you ever given flapping a try? Give it a go once in a while and you’ll realise how fun it is!” I never realised people who weren't autistic would get anything out of it, but like he says also "Autism is hereditary - you get it from your children."

However, when stimming becomes something that the child (or adult) must do, and things like food and other necessary daily activities are subsequently avoided, it’s no longer stimming, it’s a compulsion. This is, or course, what you want to avoid, but for the most part, I think, stimming is a harmless way of experiencing the world.

momofthree,

My son was just like this...he was very easily redirected from his stims at that age. That is why I wasnt too worried about it! I figured if it were autism related, he would be very angry, upset, protest or hard to redirect. He wasnt. I find NOW that he is older, he is much harder to redirect then he was. He is much more with it, he is completely verbal, and I feel he just has more of a mind of his own now and he doesnt care to be redirected anymore!

Nikkt, funny to give the stims a try. I used to do a few that my son did and got nothing from it...but I do think I stim in other ways! I am a major hair twirler, foot tappet, and gum chewer! OH and I fidget all the time. I am NT as far as I know...never diagnosed with anything, but I am certain those things are stims! The difference is I dont let those things interfere with my daily living, and i know what settings it is ok to do them in!