Urgent advice needed, please!

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Hi all......it took a while for me to gather the courage to go on holiday to my parents...We only see them like every 4 months. Luckily we got a house to stay in opposite theirs, so not sharing one.
The problem: My mom can't stand my sons behaviour! When he gets stressed and bored he gets VERY rude! Like seeking fights with his brother, shouldering me, telling her that she cant sit infront of the car, he wants to sit there....I did get him to sit in the back....eventually.
He doesnt say please and thank you....seldom smiles, doesnt show any interest in them, exct. He wants me all to himself and he doesnt want me to go and spend any time with my parents....He will say infront of them he doesnt want her to go with to the shop, he wants me to be alone with him....
My mom says all this behaviour is because of jelousy, manipulation and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him....That all his behaviour is because we spoiled him from babyhood.....She says the stories she read on ASD is where children are more withdrawn, make little eye contact, exct.....But that none of ASD is this irritated and rude...My son makes very good eye comtact....can even become verbally and physicly abusive!
She tried to be nice by baking him all nice cookies and really trying to be nice, but she doesnt get any positive recognition from him....She feels rejected and hurt and then my dad told me all this saddens him.....And this brakes my heart. I told her not to take all this personally, so she asks if she must just accept his rude behaviour!
I even gave him a terrible hiding and told him to behave and be less rude....He says he really will try....But I know...he cant. I even told her this is his better behaviour, she aint seen nothing yet!
What can I do!! !????
I told her then the 2 of them musnt be in contact......but I cant go there without him, because he doesnt want to be alone....and I cant take him with because then it gives her more amunition to critisize me and hurt her feelings!
Any Ideas!???
Luckily my husband will join us the last 2 days....then I can leave my son with him!

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I have no real advice, except to encourage you to continue putting your son's needs first and try to deal with him the way you would at home, with love and understanding. This is even more important in the face of an unsupportive environment. *You* know his rudeness is caused by the disruption of his routine. He is also picking up on all the negativity around him. (I'd be grumpy; he's rude; same diff.) Your parents may never understand this and may never see your son for the person he really is. It's hard for people (at any age) to deal with the lack of approval, understanding or support of parents; I am still untying the knots of my parents' expectations and they passed on years ago! Try to give him lots of positive feedback and encouragement, and look for opportunities to get out of that environment; go for walks or find a room he can go to and relax / stim / ignore the bad vibes.
J.

Honestly, depending on your relationship with your mom, I would tell her that she is making it harder on you. You are aware of her child rearing opinions but she is not an expert on childhood developmental issues, and to please let it drop. I would tell her that this is how he is, and that yes, if she wants contact with him, she does need to accept his "rude" behavior, because it is something that your family is working on. If she cares enough to make him cookies, she should care enough to back off, but I know she thinks she is helping...

I would try to reduce your son's stresses the best that you can. It is hard being around people who do not appear to make an effort to understand you.

Your mom is apparently really struggling with the idea that your son's issues are related to a condition he cannot control. I think it is really hard for people like this to accept that there is anything neurologically different because our kids "look so normal". If autism came with green skin and purple hair, they would probably have no problem accepting it as something the person cannot control. Someone recently posted a link to a good article directed at grandparents about accepting a grandchild's diagnosis - darn if I can find it now. Maybe someone else can help?!

One thing you might try reminding your mother - between her and your son, she is the adult in the situation and quite frankly, it sounds like she is acting more like a sullen teenager than a grown adult. She might find that if she does accept him for who he is some of the more negative behaviors he exhibits towards her might reduce. He must feel her negativity and criticisms and is very likely responding to it in the only way he knows how. I would try to assure her that if he knew a better way to get along in the world, he most likely would do things differently but he doesn't so he CAN'T, not won't, can't. Another point I would make is that it takes a rather sophisticated mind to purposefully and successfully manipulate an adult of even average intelligence. IMO its absurd to say that a young child, especially one with social and emotional developmental delays has the mental sophistication to purposefully manipulate the adults in his life. I know that it might APPEAR that way but lots of things APPEAR to be one thing and are really something else entirely.

I feel for you, it has got to be putting you under a lot of stress. If you get a chance when your husband comes, take some time for yourself!

Bombaloo....thanx for reminding me of the info to grandparents....I gave her it a year ago...She said its rubbish and only wants to make the grandparent feel bad!

My daughter used to hate my MIL. She would actively run away from her and try to hide. My MIL would become very insulted and "hurt" and carry on about it in true histrionic fashion as if my 3-4 year old daughter was masterminding a grand plan to crush her very being. I kept telling her to stop trying to kiss her. It was as simple as that. My daughter HATES to be kissed, but this woman insisted on kissing her (my ex would say "it's a cultural thing" to which I would say BS. She is a grown woman and she can respect our daughter a little more than by forcing a kiss on her simply because *she* likes it that way. Give me a break. She was basically expecting a 3 year old to endure something she viewed as repulsive, simply because she liked it. Nonsense.)

Anyway, after years of trying to make her understand, I finally convince my MIL to stop kissing her. After my daughter was able to trust that she was no longer going to try to kiss her, they now get along fine.

My point is to reiterate what others have said. Your mother is the adult here and if she wants to establish a relationship with her grandson, it is incumbent on her to make some changes. Explain to her that while your son's behavior would indicate "rudeness" in a typically functioning kid, in your son it indicates...whatever it indicates, difficulty in unfamiliar situations, problems with transitions, etc. Tell her to conduct herself as if he is not being rude. She needs to buck up and stop making this be about her feelings. I mean, I understand she is hurt, and who wouldn't be. But it isn't about the way she feels as a result of his behavior. It's about helping a child to learn to be more effective and establishing a relationship with a little kid. That's on her. Not on him.

Your mom is in DEEP denial. I am sad for her and for you and your son. I don't think there is much that you can do besides limit contact with her. Only she can decide if she wants to be a positive part of your and your son's lives. You can't change her anymore than you can change your son's ASD. Your son will mature and his behavior will change over time. Perhaps when he is older and has learned more coping skills, he can learn to tolerate his grandmother but if she can't accept him, I don't see why he should be forced to accept her. The pressures that family can put on us can be so unbearable at times. It is so unfair. I think you need to put your and your son's mental health first.

Thanx all for your input!
I am very tired and exausted! Dont think I must ever try and visit again without hubby who can look after my son to let me visit my mom alone!
She just keeps on telling me its all me and hubbies fault, because we "allowed" him to become like this!! !! !
I told her I will not discuss any of this with her anymore.....I would like to spend time with her, but I can and will not take responsibility for my childrens behaviour!
And that I can not build a relationship with my kids on her behalve, that this is something she needs to do by herself!

With everything I say, I'll be either dead on or dead wrong, so take it as you will.

In my experience with autistic children, being one myself pretty much, is that you should treat us as a shy dog. If you pay attention to us, we'll walk away and sit in our beds growling at you to stop paying attention to us. If you ignore us, we may come smelling on your shoes a bit, but don't think you can reach down now and give me a quick pet, I'll be gone before you get near because I still don't really trust you. Bribing me with cookies won't work.. I know where they come from. Just leave me alone and do your thing, and I'll eventually have observed you enough to realize you don't pose a threat, and then I'll jump on your lap out of nowhere. For many autistic children it's either 100% right or 100% wrong, and if you interrupt their own process of changing this view, it won't change at all.

You should tell your MIL (yay just learned that), to stop trying so hard, that doesn't mean no contact at all, just no direct approaching him. You can also try explaining to your son how his grandmother is actually your "mother" and that you like her, like he likes you. (True or not) That may create some kind of spark of interest inside him to figure out why you do so.