First day of Pre-school tomorrow and I am all over the place

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I apologise in advance since this will be a bit of a rant/confusion but bear with me, I just need to get this off my chest. My 3yo will be going to a speacial needs pre-school. I called today (they were closed for the past 2 weeks) because I still hadn't received the welcome package. It turns out they sent it to the wrong address. The director spoke to me and told me what to bring. He also put my son's teacher on the phone so I could talk to him. Unfortunately my thoughts were all over the place so I didn't get to tell him about my son the way I would have wanted to. I am worried that they will not have a bio that I wrote up for my son.

Then, I got into an argument with the bus driver. My husband will be taking our son to school but I need the bus to drop him back home. I had a ton of questions for the bus driver and he could barely answer half. He kept me telling me to call the office to find out since he was only the bus driver and didn't know much. When I asked him for the office number and a contact, he told me he would give it to me on Thursday, after he brought my son home! So, I am supposed to send my son home with a bus company I knew nothing about?!?! So, I called up the school and made a complaint to the director of the school about the bus company. The director said he would take care of it and give me all the info I need tomorrow when I drop him off.

I know I am already starting off the year as the crazy mother who is bothering everyone, but now my crazy mother side is in overdrive. I have always been involved but nice to my NT 6 yo teachers, etc. But for my ASD 3 yo, I am feeling a bit crazed. I know I need to calm down, but I feel like I need to fight for him.

Please talk me off the ledge and let me know that these people are professionals and are capable of taking care of my son. The school does have a very good reputation and is fairly small (about 50 students). Am I being irrational? I am happy that my husband will be with me tomorrow so he will hopefully step in if I get too crazy. This is his first time going to school and I am feeling really nervous about him being away from me.

The welcome packet, honest mistake probably. Can you send an email to the teacher? Or maybe take your kid to school the first day and talk to the teacher in person before school starts.

Bus Driver: May be an employee of the school or a contractor. Probably just receives a run sheet with addresses to pick up. He's probably a competent driver but unlikely that he is up on the admin side.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it. This is the plan so far:

My husband will take our son to school almost everyday, otherwise, I will take him to school (the school is on the way to hubby's work). I will pick him up tomorrow also. The director said I should stop by and talk to him in the morning so I will do that after I drop off my son. I don't think they will allow me in the class since the other children won't have their parents there either. I am going to find out from the teacher how we can regularly keep in contact. With my 6 yo, I frequently wrote notes to the teacher and he would see them in the morning when my son took out his folder. DH/the sitter/or I would get a mini report from the teacher when we picked him up in the evenings. I will miss getting that for my 3 yo.

The bus driver is a contractor. I understand that he might not know things, but he should at least know who he works for and who is the contact person in that office if parents have questions. This information should be shared BEFORE they have access to my child. I am approaching this as if we were in an emergency and I needed to get in touch with them, or vice a versa. I think they should have an escalation plan in process and should be readily available to parents. I mean, these are 3-5 year old kids. Some with communication issues. They should be on top of this stuff. I wish I had a number to call the manager of this driver. The thing is, there is a matron and the driver in the bus and they are the only adults in the bus with our kids. They should have better training.

I know how you feel. (((HUGS))) Take a deep breath (or three or ten). I have been in intense crazy momma overdrive for the last month it seems. Its exhausting. Something that hit me this weekend - its not the end of the world that the first days did not go exactly as I would have liked. DS is OK even if though his visual schedule wasn't ready the first week of school (even though I had contacted the teacher about it 3 weeks before school started). For you, keep in mind that your kiddo isn't the only special needs kid that they are dealing with. Chances are that even though that bus driver seemed totally ignorant, I bet he's never lost a kid! It sounds like the director is cognizant of your concern and anxiety. He's probably got plenty of experience with that too. I know how much better it would feel if things went as we planned or thought they would go but we have to be ready to roll with the punches and not kill ourselves with stress and anxiety, just as we would like our kids to be able to do someday. It will be alright! It sounds like you have your son in a good place. Hang in there!

Thank you. I know I am a mess because I am crying, just from reading what you wrote, especially about the part that the driver hasn't lost a kid. It was so much easier with him at home since I knew he was always okay. I have a serious case of helicopter mom syndrome. DH has been trying to talk me down also but he is so laid back that I was suspicious that he didn't understand the gravity of these issues.

I am also worried that my son won't get hugs while he is at school (he loves to hug and kiss - we are trying to curb his kisses). Is that weird? I told the teacher that if he gets overwhelmed, he will lay down and suck his thumb for a few minutes. I hope they let him do this. I think I might be having some separation anxiety. I know I have to get myself together because tomorrow we need to project confidence and excitement about going to school. At least he likes his book bag. He likes warm food for lunch (things you have to cook) but since I don't know how things are yet, I have to make him a sandwich which he may or may not eat.

I guess I have to accept that the first day is not going to be perfect. Do you think he will feel abandoned when he doesn't see me after a couple hours?

MomofThree, I totally understand how you feel, however I just want to suggest to try to be positive and put on a brave face for your son as they can pick on on the parent's anxiety which can cause them to go into the situation with negative feelings/fear. I know it is hard but kids are really resilient and strong. Yes, there might be some bad days but you can attack those as they come. Good luck-I am hoping things go well!

FWIW, most preschool teachers I know are pretty happy to give kids plenty of hugs! Though I would agree with your idea to curb the kissing. The teacher my son had for preschool still gives him BIG hugs every time we see her. I also think it is perfectly acceptable for a 3 yo to lay down and suck his thumb for a while, especially during the first weeks of school. I packed spaghetti in a thermos in DS's lunch everyday in preschool so he could have something warm to eat. Your son may feel worried or even a bit scared when he doesn't see you for a while but he'll be OK. Probably many if not all of the other kids will be feeling the same way and the teachers know how to handle this. I don't think he will feel abandoned. What you are feeling is perfectly normal (if there is such a thing as normal ). Chances are after a few days you will be feeling some relief and after a few weeks you will be able to look back in wonder at the huge hurdle you just got over!

OK. I am going to tell you a story that might send you into anxiety overdrive at first, but bear with me to the end.

My daughter was mute when I put her on the bus this morning. Not ideal, by any stretch because when I say she is HF, I mean you can hardly tell. But stuff like this is SO hard for her, so it is very stressful for me.

I have my cell phone in my hand all day. Waiting for "the call." All I get is an email from the school psychologist saying he'd like to have an appointment with (name) and put her in social skills training (Aha...they have noticed she is mute...but it must not be too bad, or they'd be calling me instead of emailing me). OK.

School day passes and I'm feeling pretty good.

Until my phone rings.

It is the after school program asking me if she is supposed to be in after school today. Um....yes. Well, she's not. They put her on the bus.

Um...HELLO! I work 45 miles from my freaking house.

In a panic, I call every neighbor I know, which is not many because we moved there less than a year ago. No one is picking up. I am in a near blind panic at this point because once kids hit 2nd grade, a parent doesn't need to meet them at the bus stop, the kid can just walk to their house alone.

How the heck is she going to know what to do? What is she going to do? Is she going to be able to speak? Will she wander into traffic? Will a pervert drive by and see her and take her?

I am frantically calling everyone while driving (I NEVER use my cell while driving but at this point I am not caring about the law).

Finally a neighbor calls. Was she supposed to be on the bus? Doesn't she normally go to after school? She will take her home until I get there.

I immediately start shaking. I almost feel like going to sleep (but I'm driving, so I can't).

I get to where she is.

She is happy and busily playing with the two girls who live there. She tells me she is having fun. I asked her if she was scared and she said "as soon as the bus lady told me she wouldn't leave me alone, I wasn't scared anymore."

My point: even when really (potentially) bad things happen, our kids are tough. They can bounce back. My daughter handled a major disruption like a pro. Or at least as close to a pro that you can expect for a 6 year old.

I am convinced that the first week of school is more stressful to me than it ever will be to my kids. I need to just take a deep breath and make sure my crazy does not rub off on them! LOL!

These people are professionals and are capable of taking care of your son. Now you just have to believe it!
I have worried, cried and gotten stressed when all my children have started school. Totally natural feelings when they start out and each day will get easier for you and him. They will get to know him and love him just like you do.
Re: the notes/catch up with teacher. Our son has a communication book. We write in it each a.m before school (how his night was, anything worrying him, admin etc...) and it goes with him to school. The teacher writes each day telling us what they did, any good or bad things of note and it comes back home. In all the schools he has been at, they have done this- so I'd be surprised if there isn't something similar.
Good luck ! HE WILL BE FINE!
In this together, loved that bus story!

Thanks so much for all your support, stories and advice. My anxiety was still high but I did manage to sound really happy and excited about school. We took him to school this morning and it was the expected chaos. There were kids crying and parents complaining about the bus service. We made him walk by himself up the stairs and to his class. We met his teacher and the paras in the class. While the other kids were hanging back, hugging their parents legs, etc my son was all over the room, touching everything, playing with the sink, looking into the closets, etc. Anytime my son goes to somewhere new, his first instinct is to check out everything. This sounds horrible, I know, but I felt kinda bad that he was so easy to separate from us. We were there for a few minutes talking to the teacher and the psychologist and he was in his own little world exploring. When it was time to say bye, he happily waved to us and said goodbye. I wanted to cry and DH had to quickly pull me away.

I know I should be happy that he seemed happy, but still, I have been dreading this day and he seemed to happy with just going off with strangers because they had shiney new toys. the psychologist said she would call us later today to give us an update. I will be picking him up today but tomorrow he is coming home by bus.

When your children started pre-school, did they seem sad to see you go?

It changes day to day whether DS is glad to see me go or clinging on to my leg and desperately begging me not to leave (quite possibly the most tortuous situation known to Moms). Your son's fascination with all the newness is normal. Once that becomes commonplace for him, he might react differently to being dropped off.

So the day is over and we both survived. They said he didn't cry and he ate half of his lunch which is good. He was happy and smiling when I picked him up. He said he wanted to go back to school tomorrow and that's also good.

My little guy didn't follow the rules too well so he ended up in the time out chair a couple times. He doesn't seem the worse for it though. We haven't been too successful in enforcing the rules at home so hopefully this will help. I am willing to send him back to school so I think it was an okay day.

Glad to hear it went well. My daughter said she "hated" school yesterday. But today "it is the BEST school EVER!" So you can prepare yourself for some pretty fickle behavior! LOL!

My son has never had problems separating from me at school, but when I go up to visit (school functions) he gets all excited and gives me a big hug and tries to lead me to the classroom so I will stay there. He lets me leave, but he would rather I stay.

Kids are funny. Wanting to explore and play does not mean he does not miss you.

That's an interesting question. I remember my son crying around 2 when I left and the director kept him in the office from the comings and goings of all the parents,because it upset him. But I don't remember him ever being upset from age 3 or so on. He was always intensely curious to wanting to see all the new things. And I think he really loved the routines of preschool. He didn't like his 4/5 preschool much, but I know now it's because they had too many worksheets and unstructured time. I had no idea the reasons my son was so different at this age. So maybe I would have been more concerned if I had a clue.