Should I have my 13 year old daughter diagnosed?

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I've known she's had aspergers for about 4 years now, although she's never been diagnosed. As long as she's happy, and academically successful, I've thought she would be better off thinking she is "normal".
She's still making straight "A"'s, but, she's definatly starting to become frustrated with making and keeping friends. She puts on a strong front, but I can tell that she doesn't understand why people thing she's different. This breaks my heart.
My wife, and I, are considering an "official" diagnosis, in hopes that, she'll finally understand that there's a reason why she is so unique, and it's not her fault.

On the other hand, I'm very worried that being labeled with something like this will cause her to loose more hope.

My wife wants to talk to her about Aspergers, and, let her decide for herself. Has anyone else been here? Not sure what's best.

At 52 years of age I've just realised I have an ASD, to be diagnosed next week.

My life to date with a few exceptions has been a misery of not fitting in and not understanding why.

Some background on me to allow you to judge me.

I owned/ran my own micro company. I have a trade as well. I have an open crane ticket and a dogmans qualifications. I 'speak' fluent automotive and electronic control systems. I am a charge hand /foreman at work at the moment who is brought into the office when needed to carry out extensive computer planning input. I'm technically savy and have the ability to foresee problems.

I would implore you to tell her the truth. Somebody here mentioned 'Glass wall' and that describes my life to a T. If she doesn't know the wall is there, she is going to get a lot of blood noses from running into the ruddy thing.

If I was aware as a child I was in fact different to most people I could have made allowances and altered my behaviour perhaps. I probably would have been taught the things that Aspies don't pick up on and how to deal with situations. We don't fit in she will not fit in, even if you think she is at the moment, from my experience, you are probably wrong.

My schooling would have improved out of sight if I were given the help that some Aspies need. I was in the highest math class in year 5 but bullied so much I failed back to the lowest class in year 6.

She is different and needs to be treated differently.

I'll say this as a parent of two wonderful daughters and knowing full well the gravity of what I say.

If you do not tell her and help her, I would deem you a bad parent

I wish you and your daughter well

Regards
Bill

The feeling that 'something is wrong' without knowing what it was bothered me a lot in my childhood. My daughter is similar and had a lot of how shall i say, 'enormous' conduct problems at the same age as yours. I'm not an advocate of labels and pscyhological mumbo-jumbo but after getting a diagnosis she is a lot happier knowing the reason things are not working out as she hopes, stopped acting out and is adjusting expectations and is learning a better strategy of approaching the world.

You and your wife's diagnosis are shaped out of your own perceptions and will not fully be bought into by your daughter. Get her an 'education assessment' from a psychologist who specializes in autism spectrum issues and can compare her to other students in that age group.

While I feel that you may be better asking the 'people know would know best' rather than their parents, from what I have heard a lot of people have always know they were different but just don't know why and this may put things into perspective.
Also, could a diagnosis help with certain services and assistance?

If she were younger, I would say, "yes." At 13, though, she may be resistant, so I think I am leaning towards your wife's idea of broaching the subject with her to see what your daughter's opinion is, first. You will need her cooperation in assessments and interventions, so I really do think you should give her input. It may take multiple conversations, and you may have to play it by ear. If she is also concerned about her social issues, she may very well want help right away, and that will make it easier and you will get bonus points for treating her as the smart person she is.

Just my 2 cents...

If you are going to approach her, it will be important to have information that really explains the plusses/advantages and differences of AS without it making her seem more different or broken. If you can find a story/video of a girl with AS about her age or just a little older and maybe say. I read/saw this and some things make me think of you. What do you think?

This is a very difficult time/age to get a diagnosis, because diagnosis means that the way you are different is not just different but something is wrong with you to so many teenagers and its hard enough being different at this age without feeling like something is wrong with you. This does not mean I think you should keep the information from her, but just be ready for this. BTW... I am not saying that something is wrong with a person diagnosed with AS, I am just saying that's how it might feel/seem to a 13 year old girl.

On a personal note, my son was 10 and a pre-teen when we began the diagnosing process. If it hadn't been for the school difficulties and need for school support systems, I don't think I would have gotten an official diagnosis. My son, now 11, accepts he has AS, but does not embrace it. He would get rid of it if he could. He is having a hard time seeing the good things about him that AS gives him, and only sees the loneliness and not fitting in. On the other hand, he has stopped blaming himself so much and has projected his anger onto the AS, so that gives him some strength, though I am not sure how good an exchange that is.

At 13 it can't do any harm in asking her. I think the advantages and disadvantages of an official diagnosis should be thoroughly explained and the repercussions they may have in the future, especially if she wants a specialized career.

I was Dx at 14 and it didn't go down well. I was never a straight A student but at least I was a student up until then. I realized any career I wanted, pilot/military/police/fire service was out of the question (medicals required). I just gave up on life, it was at a time when we were doing work experience and I struggled to get someone willing to let me work for free.

There are many things to consider but that's the main one that burnt my life to the ground.

IMHO, approaching her as Eureka-C suggests and talking to her about whether or not she would like to get a medical diagnosis would be a good idea. If she doesn't need assistance at school she can get a medical diagnosis that would remain private as part of her medical records so the concern about a label possibly having some negative effect is very, very remote. Many, many adults have posted on this site about how much they wish they had had a diagnosis younger in life. Others have posted here about how their parents actively hid their diagnosis from them and how much damage that did. We all need to be able to understand ourselves and have self-awareness in order to be able to function in this world. If you know something that will increase her level of self-awareness and understanding, I think you owe it to her to at least bring it to her attention. She is old enough to decide if she wants to go through the evaluation process or not.