Please STOP the screaming!! !

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Hi Everyone, I am new to this forum. But I am hoping you can help me.

I am a mother to a very bright 4 year old that was diagnosed with aspergers last year. I am struggling with him! I thought he managed all the changes with the move very well and even started eating and being pleasant again sooner then what I thought he would. That is until he started school and things are slowly getting out of control. He has been to preschool before, this is his third year. The only difference is there is a few more kids in the classroom, class is a half hour longer and he is on the bus for 20minutes longer each way. His teacher and bus aids love him and have no problems with him. They say he is always very happy. I wish I could say the same about him at home.

When he comes home he is normally in tears within two minutes from getting off of the bus. He screaming because his brother isn't playing with the toy the right way, doesn't like what I am making for meals, his food is too hot or cold, his toys aren't doing what he wants them to do, he has the wrong color of plate at meal time, and the list goes on. When he doesn't know what to say and is just crying he will tell me his mouth is sad, he is sad, before he figured out sad he would tell me he is too tired. there is no reasoning with him. He is doing this from sun up to sun down and only for me! If I try to get involved with programs at school and he sees me he breaks down and screams.

I am on week number four of him screaming at me and he started school four weeks ago. My ears are ringing from him screaming so much. Each day he screaming more and more. This morning was my breaking point when he started screaming the second he opened his eyes for school. I need help!! I do not spank him, I try to keep my temper and voice down, I ignore him when he is screaming/complaining the best I can. I am just trying to keep it together. I feel like such a failure. All I want for my son is to be happy...

Thank you for any help!

Poor little guy! Sounds like he not adapting to this school very well. My daughter is 9 and she still falls apart after school so just know it's just because he is holding it together all day at school and when he can let his guard down when he comes home it all comes out.

Does he have a favorite activity that calms him? Does a bath calm him? You need to focus on way to let him calm down unless you are able to lessen the duration he is at school. I am sure the large class is adding to his stress.

I wish I could help more!

Some part of this may be backlash from things at school which are stressing him. Of course its very hard to figure out what those things are when he is managing to hold himself together in that environment. It can also be hard to get the school to make changes when they don't see the behavior but I would bet that if he is that volatile at home, it is eventually going to boil over at school. Maybe they would work with you to try a few things at school like a visual schedule. You can do this at home too. Schedules help add a predicatbility to the day and that can reduce stress for a lot of kiddos. If his day is less streesful overall, his behavior at home might improve. I would definitely recommend time to decompress for him as soon as he gets home. For my DS, this usually means playing video games on the Wii or on the computer or lately he really likes to read a certain series of books (Captain Underpants!). My DS just needs a quiet activity to do by himself for an extended time after being at school. Hang in there!

You'll probably have to do some detective work. That said, I do not know how flexible your child is, but 20 minutes x2 travel time, plus 30 minutes more of class time equals 1 hour and 10 minutes extra school time for a four year old. Even without the few extra kids that could be enough to disrupt his universe. Not to mention the newness of the class, the schedule etc. especially after a summer of "him" time.

You could try DVRing or taping any TV shows he misses while he is gone, and maybe as others have suggested get him to a nice soothing activity as soon as he gets home. Maybe try to give him some "him" time away from his brother when he first gets home too, so he can transition more smoothly.

I am in agreement with the others: something in the new routine, either on the bus or at school, is stressing him. He is holding together until he gets home, and he releases at home instead of where the stress is because home is his safe place, where he knows he will always be loved no matter what he does. This is a very common pattern in AS kids, and all kids in general.

It could be one specific child, it could be noise on the bus, it could be the color of the classroom, it could be the sound of the toilet, it could the way a teacher's heals click when she walks ... it could any of a dozen things, some obvious and some totally out of our range of perception that is causing the stress. You have to do a lot of detective work. Careful observation (or ask the teachers to do careful observation). There are usually small warning signs, like a tensing up or a change in facial expression, when a child is feeling stress, even if he does not act out on it at the time.

My son was stressed out by the nap time at his preschool, and the playground time, which wasn't closely supervised enough. He held it together OK so we didn't feel pushed to make big changes, but now more than ten years later I still wish that I had pulled him from that place. The minute I had him in Kindergarten I saw the difference, it was like everything about him relaxed: he was finally in a place that did not stress him out. He could have been like that through all his preschool years, too, if only I had fully understood what all the signs from him meant. But I didn't until he was out of there.

So. The screaming is a pretty big sign. You are not doing anything wrong with him at home. Something is wrong in his daily routine. Experiment with small changes, and try going through autopsies of his day. See if you can find the source. It's tough, they won't always tell us, but it has to be there.

It could be your son letting out all of his pent-up anger and anxiety that has been bottled up all day long. I'm the same way. If I've had a really bad day at work (or school when younger), the minute I get in the door, I yell and complain to my mother about how much I hate people. It can be torture having to keep everything inside all day to appear "normal," and while I understand it's not fair to take it out on my mom, often the only way I know how to express my intense irritation is to vent about the situation or just act angry in general. I hope you can find a solution for your son that works for you both.

Thank you so much for all your help! This new journey has been hard.

I do agree the issues are coming from school and the bus ride. Now that I have looked back, I know that the ride on the way home has gotten hard. His bus driver has already changed three times and he has constantly been about 20-30 minutes late coming home because of issues with the wheel chair lift, mechanic issues, having to go out of the normal route to get a child home because he/she became sick on the bus. I don't think his teacher is much help. He is suppose to be in a class that deals with kids with challenges. His teacher and every other teacher I have dealt with says that 3 years old is way to young to be diagnosed with aspergers. I am so frusterated when they tell me that. I am nervous about him finally boiling over at school. He will keep himself very composed! It fools these teachers but if you were to put him right next to a normal child there is a HUGE difference. I wish iep's aren't based off of what they see at the classroom, but a group effort with his other people on his team outside of school.

Sounds like he's overstressed....maybe the more kids in the class and longer bus ride is hard for him. But yeah it could be he puts a lot of effort into controlling his behavior at school and by the time he gets home he's exuasted from it. The only thing I can really think to suggest is maybe try and create some sort of calm environment at home for him to unwind in after school. Not sure exactly how to do so though......but yeah I can totally relate to getting home from a long day of school and then not being able to handle all the chaos at home even little things like other peoples movements would get to be way too intense so naturally I'd freak out about it.

So maybe if there is a way to make sure things are calm for a while....or does he have his own bedroom? maybe encourage him to rest in his room a while after school or something to that effect. I could be wrong but to me it seems to be a case of him being overwhelmed and unable to deal with that too well.

Oh no that sounds awful! My daughter is similar, spends all day being really good so when she gets home shes stressed to the max and I get the worst of it, she was fine for her first day of her new school this week because her Dad had the day off to take her to and from school so we were all there and she was lovely. She even told us all about her day (seemignly accurately too) which she never normally does, cant even remember what shes had for lunch most of the time. However the next day she was awful at home again because her Dad wasnt there.

Would he respond to some quiet time in a dark comfy "den" like place after school maybe? We recently tried using brushes on our little girl and they seemed to calm her down. Although I know its difficult to get them to stay still enough to brush them! We also have a Genie head massager which makes her go sleepy

Would taking him to/from school yourself be an option, just to see how much of the problem is the bus? Would it be possible for you to observe him at school, perhaps without him seeing you? Or for you to hire a consultant to go watch him at school for a few days and see if they can make some guesses as to what is stressing him out? Is the preschool through an IEP with the school district? Can you afford to try a different preschool or have him mostly at home and take him to speech/OT/social skills classes?

My son was exactly like that. He wasnt diagnosed until near 6, but would go to pre school, be a perfect child there, no issues at all, and come home and explode on me. I used to call there asking waht happened in class becasue he came home so upset, yelling, hitting me, etc.. and they were all flaberghasted. The day was great, he had no issues, etc...they did say he could have been holding it together all day and lashing out when he got home. Gee, lucky me! This went on day after day.

My son wasnt yet diagnosed though back then I knew there was something, even though the school told me how well behaved and great he was there. I used to bring them all my issues and they just told ME to be stricter, to be tougher, that he was manipulating me, etc...seriously people!! !

I can look back now and it all makes sence, the Aspergers explains it all, and me being stricter or tougher only made his behaviors worse.

Does he have to go 5 days a week. If you have the option, maybe you could cut it to three or four.

Otherwise, I would say that like many others he is holding it all in at school and you get the backlash. I, too, didn't know why my son had so many struggles because we didn't get a diagnosis until age 10. It took me forever to figure out if center time was unstructured, he didn't do well. If they changed the schedule or had different schedules for different days he didn't do well. He loved field trip, but they were very stressful. He has writing issues and one teacher did too many worksheets. My son did the opposite and let it all out at school, having only very few problems at home. No one believed me that he never did those things at home, and with the teachers trying to be nice, I didn't know how bad it was until 4th grade.

There can be so many things, social stressors, sensory issues etc that like others have said, you have to be the detective. I would start with finding out his schedule and making him a visual schedule. If you glue the pictures to 3 by 5 cards ( laminate if possible) and add Velcro, you can easily change the schedule to match any changes in the day. Also, scheduled sensory breaks with a fav fidgety toy or weighted blanket away from the other children at times he won't miss out on anything can help him decompress during the day.

Our experience was very similar to MMJMOM's - My younger guy is just under 6, evaluated by the school district as having ASD. Last school year he started full day ESE pre-k and after a few months, at his transition meeting, our team members were questioning that ASD diagnosis, just based on his classroom behavior. Lucky us. Once they get home, it all breaks loose. :/

Fortunately, we have some outside assessment data that they had to take into account - otherwise these behaviors (when/if they occur at school) would just be considered "bad" and we'd go through the same route, "More discipline, more structure, don't let him manipulate you......". I'm now not afraid to call out school admins, counselors, evaluators (with references) when this gets brought up.

We try to deal with more meltdowns by using more sensory stuff, since both of my guys are sensory seeking. Bathtub time, playing in water, making a huge mess with paint, carrying heavy stuff (we have a whole bunch of 5lb pavers in the back yard, just for this use), jumping on the bed (or trampoline if you have one), building pillow forts (we salvaged a neighbors couch cushions from the garbage, just for this). Glow sticks in the bathtub with the lights turned out is particularly fun.

My oldest son spends about an hour engaging in his special interest (LEGO) after he comes home from school, before he feels normal again. My little guy doesn't really have a special interest.

If he's more sensory sensitive, go the opposite direction and have a dark, quiet area.

It definitely sounds like he needs some kind of outlet for that frustration/emotions. I'm all for minimizing that behavior too (if you can figure out exactly where the stress is coming from great!) but sometimes it's not just from one thing - as long as he has a way to work it out safely (and without taking it all out on you by screaming) have fun with it.

dd5 just started K last week. Since she started there has beena BIG uptick in meltdowns in the evening and on the weekend. She has only had one at school but I think holding it in (or whatever she is doing to make it through K) is taxing her and she's letting it out at home. Yay.

My little guy goes to school three times a week. I am currently working on changes at home to create a more relaxing environment for him (I hope they work!). Thank you so much for the ideas and support!! It really does help!

There has been an IEP meeting scheduled at the end of next week to go over his goals since we moved into a new school district. I am NERVOUS!! ! I vented to his teacher at the beginning of the year that everyone in the previous school district completely disregarded what Early Intervention and his dr suspected of him being on the spectrum. Then we had him tested and was rx as aspergers. I have paperwork from his psychologist, speech therapist and occupational therapist that back-up the rx. I asked his teacher why I can't get his label changed from developmentally delayed (which does not allow occupational therapy at school) to autistic (which would allow him occupational therapy at school). She told me it was because they only base his IEP on what they see in the classroom . My little guy hold himself together so well that his only challenge that the teachers see is his speech.

So my question is: Is this really true that they only base an IEP on what they see in the classroom? If not, how can I get it changed? I would really like to get things figured out at school that are causing his distress and change them, so my little guy isn't so stressed when he gets home. How can I get his teacher to listen to me?