How to handle myself at the IEP ?

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As most people probably know from my posts, the district & I cannot see eye-to-eye on what ails my child and the best way to cure said ailment. So, after exhausting my options and going for many rounds of talks (read multiple IEPS in a short span of 6 months), I finally called yet another IEP meeting, this time with a parent advocate acccompanying me.

The thing is, for the first time ever, we will have a certain high level administrator attend this meeting, too. This person is known to be a very, very aggressive, and brash, character. He, supposedly, is very confrontational with parents, and attacks them viciously in attempts to get them to back down from their demands at "mission-critical" IEPS, like the one coming up.

Needless to say, I AM very charged up and passionate about my child's situation and the callous manner with which the district is treating him. I plan to be civil, but I tend to lose my cool if I am attacked. Of course, the district's tactics may be to push my buttons by describing my child in unflattering terms, hoping to get me to lose my temper first. TBH, this does not bode well. I don't want a screaming match on my hands. I can yell just as well as the next person, but I want to resolve this as amicably as possible even if I do end up homeschooling.

Some of the contentious issues are my complaints about my son's teacher (she is attending the meeting). At worst, she is not working on his goals at all. At best, she does not know what she is doing. Either way, she is a huge part of the problem. I plan to raise my complaints about her at the meeting and explain why I suspect that she is really not working with my son on his goals.. I had originally been alerted to this situation by my son's former classroom aide, and complained about it. All that happened was that my son got a new aide, a zombie who parrot cries, 'You need to talk to the teacher', as a canned answer to any question I ask - including if my son pooped in school that day ! Of course, the teacher is NEVER to be seen around to be questioned. When I ask for her (the teacher), prompt comes the response, 'she is busy'. Too busy to talk to a parent at the fag end of the day, especially after she cut off their only form of communication. Of course, it is all perfectly acceptable.

Obviously, these are red button issues. I have no idea how to raise these concerns without appearing confrontational at all. Furthermore, I am asking for more intensive services. That alone should be enough reason to get this man to fly off the handle at me,

All in all, not good scenery from my vantage point here,

How do I prepare for this potentially very contentious and confrontational meeting ? Please, any tips / advise / suggestions on how to stay C-A-L-M and focussed and restrained would help. What are some warning signs that I am about to be verbally attacked (yes, I tend to miss cues, too !) and what do I say / do to keep it civil, if Mr. Boor flies off the handle at me ?

TIA for all the advise / suggestions that you have for me.

Last edited by HisMom on 19 Sep 2012, 12:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am curious as to which state you are in, because I think this has a lot of bearing on how to handle an IEP.

When we lived in California, IEP meetings were AWFUL, and my son was just starting out (in Kindergarten). We knew that his best outcome should be to be placed in a regular ed class with an aide, and the school was providing that -- but the following year, he would have been placed in a separate classroom with a bunch of kids with special needs, all of them differing special needs. The special needs classroom half of the time, and the regular ed classroom half of the time... not the best situation.

We had high level administrators coming to IEP meetings in California too. In our situation, they were there PURELY to make sure we did NOT get much in the way of services. Their job is to handle the district's purse-strings ... to save money ... to NOT SPEND money. They are usually cold, heartless people who are used to confronting parents and not listening to them about their children's needs. What a horrible job they must have.

1) I think having the parent advocate with you is the best thing you could have done. We had to do this as well, and it did help -- both with fighting for rights, and for helping us as parents to calm down.

2) Write down EVERYTHING onto paper, and prioritize what you want. Make sure that you've studied Wright's Law books or websites to be able to state laws that the district HAS TO adhere to. Plan with your advocate on how best to do this. Be on the same page as your advocate.

3) Bring a tape recorder if you can. We taped our sessions, but back then, you had to do it visibly and let everyone know that's what you were doing. I don't know what the laws are now regarding recording meetings. I recorded things mostly because I knew I was in an emotional state, and under that situation I couldn't remember everything that occurred afterwards -- but, having a recording of the meeting shows that you mean business as well. You aren't kidding around.

4) Sometimes you get in a situation where things aren't going well, and you may want to threaten with "Ok, I can see that I'll need to talk to my lawyer." This has to be a last resort, and you have to really mean it. You also have to "feel around" to see when this threat is the most beneficial. We were in a situation once, not with the district but rather with the state providing services, and we threatened this once -- and wow, things happened like CRAZY after that. We got exactly what we wanted. Don't know how it would work with a school district, though. Ask your advocate.

5) Do you belong to a parent support group? If not, find one. If so, talk to other parents who have been through this situation before, and find out what things worked for them.

6) Be prepared to concede some things. You may want to give in on full classroom inclusion in order to get partial classroom inclusion and an aide, or something like this scenario. You want to come across as one of the "reasonable" parents -- one who is in control of their emotions, who is willing to do some give and take, but who knows the law and can't be taken for a ride.

7) Oddly enough, sometimes it's beneficial to bring cookies or donuts or something to eat and/or drink. These meetings can go on for a long time, and for some reason, bringing food tends to throw everybody off guard a little -- they don't expect something like that, and it seems to be a friendly gesture. It is, but it's also a little bit of a card up your sleeve -- to show that you're nice and reasonable.

I don't know what to tell you about the teacher situation. Our first kindergarten teacher, who was experienced and supposedly good, obviously was frustrated by having my son in her class. She looked flustered by having a special needs kid. I didn't want him in her class if she didn't want him either, so we actually had to transfer to a different school. For some odd reason, the NEW kindergarten teacher, who was younger and less experienced, had NO PROBLEM with him in her class. She was great.

Hope this helps. Know that it does get better -- my son is now 16 and a junior in high school, fully included and doing well. Not perfect, but well.

Have you or do you plan to meet with tbe advocate before the meeting? I also have called for an IEP and contacted an advocate to help us. I met with her and we talked for about 2 hours. I feel much better going into the meeting after that. Briefly, a few things she told me: state your concerns in terms of your child's specific needs. If they challenge you ask them to explain how they know that your child doesn't need it. Repeat as necessary. She actually used the term "broken record". Don't get loud just keep repeating what you know his needs to be. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Bring a recording device and record the meeting. I strongly advise this. If they refuse to allow you to record the meeting, walk out.

Thanks, people, they already know I am tape recording the entire meeting. That is probably why they would be very passive aggressive at the meeting, hoping that I would lose my cool first.

Another question - should I even mention my teacher concerns at the IEP or should I simply focus on the services I need for my son ? I am asking for ABA services. Although I get ABA from our insurance company, this is tied to my husband's job and we all know how to economy is. Secondly, we share costs. I think that the district should pay for it, so I don't have to worry about my husband's job in addition to all my concerns for my son. Thanks again for all your advise, I am very grateful to all of you for stepping in and giving me some excellent tips.

I would write down your list of concerns or issues and STICK TO THEM at the meeting. They want to sidetrack you and throw other issues at you to comfuse you. Waht I did was anything I didnt have planned on discussing that they brought up, I told them I would need to table the meeting and give thought to their suggestions before making a decision. It is your right to table the meeting.

Do you have any schoolwork or data to prove your sons goals arent being tought? If so bring it! What do you want to accomplish at the meeting? What services do you want?

Put a tape recorder on the table and look them in the eye and say "You don't mind do you? If there is a problem later, a record will protect all of us". They can't argue that. If things get too heated, then tell them that you are finished for the day and you can meet again the next day or you will gladly take things up with the superintendant of schools.

YES, YES, YES. They tried to do this to me many times before and I finally learned ! !

I have one solid proof that at least ONE of his goals is not being worked on. When I confronted the teacher, she LIED to me that she had an aide working on it and then said the speech therapist is working on it. I am not STUPID.

She is untrustworthy and i would REALLY like ideas on how to take her down at the meeting. She is a HUGE part of the problem but how do I confront her without having the administrator fight me back to protect her ? How can my son meet his goals if the teacher is not working on them with her ? Then, they blame my son and call him addled because he cannot make progress. Well, DUH.

How does this work, Frances ? Can the superintendent help me ? I don't want to go to Due Process - can the Superintendent fix my problems with the district and the way they are treating my child ?

I don't know about where you live, but if I have a problem that I can't solve myself with the school, I call the superintendant and tell him. The way it works here is you just call his secretary and find out when he's gonna be in the office, then stop by and talk to him about the problem. Tell him what it is and what you want done about it. Then wait and see what he can do. You don't have to tell them what it's about when you make an appointment, if you need to make an appointment which you will if you don't live in a really small town like I do.

Also, the bigger a stink you make about it, the more they will be wanting to do something to shut you up, especially if you have valid and serious concerns and threaten to go to the media. If nothing is getting done, then go ahead and call your local news station. Ask for the reporter who covers schools and talk to her. They are always looking for a story.

Wait and mention the media to the superintendant. Don't mention it at the meeting. Never show your entire hand at first.

I would not mention the teacher concern in the sense of complaining about the teacher. Don't make it personal. I would, definitely, make regular home-school communication about your son an item in the IEP. How can you be an effective part of the team if you do not know what is happening?

This might help the teacher situation by making her more accountable. If not, you might have documentation of the problem.

I agree. Confronting the teacher in the IEP meeting may be counter-productive. If his goals are not being worked on express your concern about it and ask what will be done to ensure that the responsible parties are doing their part to work on his goals. I have a bit of a rub with my son's regular ed teacher right now. My plan is actually to kill her with kindness. She keeps saying she doesn't have time to do his visual schedule with him which is, of course, not an excuse at all. I plan to try and get her to put this complaint on the table at the meeting and turn to her peers and supervisor to make suggestions of how this situation can be fixed.

How do you plan to get her to admit that she has no time to implement his IEP goals ? How ? How ? How ? Do tell... ! !!

I am beyond angry with this woman right now but arithmancer makes me see how counter-productive a direct confrontation can be, so I will adopt the 'give her enough rope' strategy suggested by you. I will want a communication journal, so she knows she cannot get away with not working on his goals.

how about putting the responsibility on her to prove to you how she is teaching him his specific goals?

Having your own recording is a great idea, but def remember to get permission first, and have that permission be on the tape. Recording audio without consent is a crime.

I would say be firm, stick to your goals, and be ready to fight.

If nothing gets done, I would consider involving a lawyer. People have amazing changes in their attitude when lawyers show up.

It depends on where you are. In some places it's legal to record as long as one person knows it's being recorded.