Does my mother not care about me then?

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A few years back I was depressed at school and having suicidal thoughts. Then one day it was so bad I drew a girl hanging herself from a tree. After class I crunched it up quickly and threw it away. i thought no one knew.

Then a year later, I was getting an assesment done for Asperger's. The doctor then asked me if I had any suicidal thoughts. Since I was in the room with my mother, I decided to lie and say no. But then my mother said, "But what about that picture of the hanging girl?"

I was completely shocked and asked her how did she know that, then she goes "Oh yeah, must have forgotton to ask you about it" She talked about how two guys in my class saw what I was doing, told two of my friends who went to tell the SPHE teacher who told my mother who is also a teahcer at that school.

That was a year ago, and she never told me she knew.

I mean she is in her late 50s and sometimes can be forgetful, but surely something like that would stick in her mind about her daughter? I mean what happened if I did commit suicide? Like would she care at all?

It's so hard to talk to her about stuff liek that. She goes very cold and stiff about those type of subjects as if she does not want to know, and is it any wonder my family is a mess?

What do you think? That maybe she is just forgetful, or did not want to talk about it, or maybe she would have rathered that I was dead? Gossip moves fast where I live, maybe she just did not want people to talk if she did send me away (which I think is unfair since she is only thinking of herself instead of my unstable health). I not exactly someone you would miss if I did die, since I am really quiet and stuff, and half my family dislike me coz of it...

A picture is a picture, nothing else. She might not have thought it was important. Many adolecent students draw stuff like that - I did, too - and after a year or two they get over it. A gloomy drawing does not mean you're in real danger. Mostly it represents your bad mood, that's all. (Yes, when I went to school, I was the girl who drew ragged bats flying around a grave on every table and even into my books. Nobody ever cared and I'm still alive.)

How often to you see your mother, how often does she talk to you? Maybe she cannot see how you feel. She thinks everything is alright and that one drawing didn't mean anything. Parents are not mind-readers, you know...

My mother was like this too. I used to have a lot of self-harming behaviors as a teenager that she was aware of, and ignored. I've come to believe that some people cope with serious issues by pushing them out of their mind. With my mother, I guess that the stress of not really knowing what to do, or possibly even the stress of feeling responsible for my behavior (maybe she felt like a bad mother?) was too much for her to handle, so she just pushed the thoughts away whenever they came. In a way, I feel like it's almost like she cared too much. I feel like my mother was quite possibly terrified of dealing with issues because she couldn't bear the thought of going to therapy and inevitably finding out that she did something to harm me. She was more comfortable pretending that our lives actually were the pretty picture that she painted them to be on the outside, and I believe that this was a way of coping. Obviously this is very dysfunctional and harmful behavior, but my mother had serious problems, and I've come to just accept that I can't expect a mentally ill individual to be able to parent properly. It doesn't mean that she didn't care about me though. I try my best to sympathize with her "condition", even though I'll never be able to truly make sense of it. (I'm also in the process of moving to the other side of the country...there's no reason that I can't sympathize from afar without subjecting myself to further abuse and harm).

It's possible she was watching you the whole time to see if you were just having a bad day or if it was an issue.

I would think this, too.
There's no way she forgot to talk to you about it, but she may have been waiting and trying to assess what was going on. Parents really don't always know the best thing to do.... we are all learning as life goes on.

I would say that your mother probably knew for a while that you were struggling and was trying to figure out the right path. The very fact that she took you in for an assessment is proof that she was paying attention and trying to do her best. There are a lot of parents who will spend the whole time their kids are at home in denial that any help is needed for anyone in the family.

I think you are lucky in a lot of ways. Not that your mom is perfect, and I certainly don't know what life was like for you at home, but a parent who will reach out and find help for a child who is having trouble is not what everyone gets.

I hope you and your mom find ways to communicate so you can know without a doubt that she loves you. Some people have a harder time sharing their feelings outright.

My guess based on knowing people with avoidant personalities:

I think she was probably alarmed but did not know what to do, and was not comfortable talking to you about it because she did not think she could deal with all the negative, emotive thoughts. She probably watched you after and decided that there were not any other alarming signals, so she decided you were "fine."

Yes, that is an awful way of dealing with the situation, but people are limited sometimes in what they can handle and their personalities. It does not mean she does not care, but that she is poor at acting upon it. Some people when they are upset fail miserably at acting upon it, and freeze. (Fight, Flight, Freeze response) The fact that she was that inept, may ironically mean she did care, if that makes sense. It may have upset her so much she was unable to think logically and act.

The reason I say I think she cared is first off most parents do, and second because she made sure to bring up the picture at the therapists office despite having to cop to knowing about it. It was more important that you get the help you need than to continue to cover her knowledge up.

I think she said she "forgot" because she was ashamed she handled it so poorly in the first place. I doubt she did.

JMO

You have to be careful not to go off half cocked when dealing with things like this.

I had an awesome mom. Truly one-of-a-kind.

When I was a teen, I went through some rough times and I thought I hid it from her. Years later I found out I didn't: she knew, she just never said anything.

Sometimes, I think people just don't know what to do in situations like that. I think they are paralyzed because they are afraid that if they do the wrong thing, it will make things worse. And "worse" is worse than they way they are now, so it seems like the "safe" thing to do is to just hold tight and observe.

I don't know your mom, though, so I don't know what her motivations were. I also don't know the rest of your family dynamics, because sometimes those also come in to play.

Are you able to ask her directly why she didn't say something to you? If she says she must have forgotten, I'd simply say that I didn't believe that she was the kind of person who would forget something like that, and that I'd like to understand why she didn't say something. Not in a confrontational way, but in a curious or even caring way. There may be reasons that you have not imagined, and no matter what the reasons are, at least you wouldn't have to wonder if she cares about you or not.

As a mum, I can honestly say that sometimes it's easier to bury your head in the sand rather than deal with an issue head on. Although this is definitely not the best way to deal with things, we sometimes just go into denial -- it can be really difficult to accept that something could be wrong and we don't want to believe it. The human mind is a complex thing. It's entirely possible to convince yourself of something in order to protect your fragile emotions rather than face the truth.

Another option is that she's the silent but watchful type. I know that my mother was like that --- always watching and observing but never able to talk to me about things. An uncomfortable conversation is often avoided unless absolutely necessary -- but it doesn't mean that she wasn't paying attention or didn't care. Perhaps she was just doing what she thought was best for you by not making an issue of it.

A mum knows her children, and I'd bet my last dollar that when it came right down to it, mother's instinct would kick in and take over if she needed it to. No, it does NOT mean that she doesn't love you... It just means that she's human and didn't quite know how to deal with the situation in the way you would have liked her to.

I was a lot like you when I was in high school and I drew many pictures like that. I even told my mum one time, that I was thinking of killing myself, because both her and my dad saw me as a useless eater who wouldn't be able to do a lot of things that a lot of people could do. My parents made me believe that I didn't have a future and they didn't go along with my special interests, so I thought that suicide would be a good way of killing that emotional pain for my sake, plus the pain caused by memories of my upbringing and verbal plus physical punishments.