Acting up after having visitors

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Do others find that their AS kiddos act up for a few days to a week after someone visits? More for some visitors than for others? Everytime grandma (my mil) visits, we get a week straight of bad behavior reports etc from school. It's not quite as bad at home, but sometimes it is. Mostly I'd say school is affected. I"m starting to keep a calendar where I fill in any "unusual" events like a grandparent visiting, or girl scout meetings (since they are only every other week) and then I'm coloring in the days based on her behavior: green for good, yellow for obviously stressed and acting out a bit, and red for meltdowns or other really undesirable behaviors. It's not for her, it's just so I can see if there is a trend or relationship between visitors and other events and days worth of crankiness on her part. I already suspect that yes, visitors set her off, but I need to start documenting it. My husbands mother visits every 6-8 weeks and my FIL also visits about every 6-8 weeks. So that means we have a visitor every 3-4 weeks. This will help me to be certain this is what is going on and I'd also like to see if one granparent has more effect than the other. Anyway to combat this or make it not as bad? We are going on almost a full week of really erratic and angry behavior from dd5.

Why bother charting you night ask? Well, We have been backing off the visits sort of assuming that this is what is going on. Well, we told my crazy MIL about the autism and what is going on and why we only let her visit every 6-8 weeks (little history, she is nuts, she has BPD) and she started crying about... what else? Herself. She NEEDS to see her grand daughters for HER mental health. BARF. What about the granddaughter? It's not good to be stressed out and having meltdowns one week a month basically. IT's not as bad when grandpa visits, he just lets her have his ipad the whole time and that makes it like super fun party time for her (I guess anyway) and she seems ok. Grandma generally is in her face and expecting to interact with her the whole time. So kind of a big difference. So I"m hoping the chart will at least provide some evidence that we aren't just trying to keep MIL from seeing her grandkids. Honestly though, she has BPD (borderline personality) so I'm not sure it will matter what we tell her or show her....

From the outside, it seems like a lot of work to impress information to someone that probably won't see the point. If she is borderline, she will most likely accuse you no matter what you do. I think it would be important though for you to get your MIL to agree to accept that you are not keeping her from seeing her for no reason. I don't think you should have to go through the whole "chart" process in order to do that, however. For me, I would invest the time in charting something to help your daughter see it visually, since you seem to already know what's going on, even if you're looking for confirmation. (If that would help her to see it, that may help her understand and cope.)

To my son, anything stimulating will set him off, good or bad. Since school is a large part of his day, surely it affects that as well. It does sound like your daughter might have a more challenging time dealing with the increased stimulation though.

Last edited by JoeDirt on 01 Nov 2012, 1:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There is never a bad reason to chart things. Charts are awesome.

I think it is a good idea to know what effect things have so you can plan accordingly.

We don't have visits here, not for a long time. It is my son's refuge from the world, and honestly I feel like that mostly, too.

When we visit others there is a disruptive element to it, also. We do it on occasion, and our son definitely prefers some places and people to others.

As far as your MIL goes, the charting will make you feel validated, but it will not convince her one iota, based on this and what I think I remember from another post. It is clearly all about her in her mind. I think you need to do what you need to do for your daughter's well being, especially if she is mean to her. I don't know if you need buy in from your spouse, also. If so, the charting may be helpful for that.

growing up visitors really stressed me out because it would almost always break my routines, sometimes it would take me a few days to fall back into my normal routines.

OMG yes, especially the mil! We have a week of getting back to normal after dd5 visits them, she is allowed to do prety much anything there, in fact shes actively encouraged to do what she wants. This causes problems when she gets home as dd5 is very literal, if you say "you must not do that" one week but then mil lets her do it one day we go back to weeks of retraining to get her back on track (mil is indenial by the way so theres no talking to her).

We have huge problems with over excitement when other family members come over, shes climbing all over them and shouting, running around and generally hyper yet moody. Even health visitors or proffessionals who come to the house for appointments (either for my dd5s diagnosis or midwvies for our babys early assessments etc) shes dragging them upstairs to see her room when she doesnt know them, shes shouting and talking over me and getting all her toys out just to show them. Then shes on a high the rest of the day! Shes extremely social and even a stranger walking past our front window is an opportunity to interact. We are always out and about because she doesnt do well staying at home all day.

Luckily school has not been affected, in fact the home behaviour is made worse by her being so good at school all day, shes climbing the walls when she gets home.

He he I did the red/yellow/green chart once, but it got to the point where my calendar was covered in red dots! Again it was more to look for a correlation than to reward or punish behaviour.

How old is your daughter? We didn't know my son was AS until he was 10, so this is something we started recently - I don't know if it will work on a younger child.

If there is a disruption in his schedule, we remind him "such-and-so is happening on (day.) Things will be a little different. You might feel weird because your schedule is different. Don't worry, things will go back to normal and the weirdness is just a feeling you have because things are different from what you are used to."

This took a while to work, but it did. DS is able now to talk about feeling weird when things change, and can manage the feeling before it becomes a domino thing.

Not to alarm you or anything, but does Grandma ever get to be alone with your daughter when she visits ?

My 3 yo ASD son "acts up" while the visitors are here but goes back to normal when they leave. His "acting up" is, going over to touch them or something on then or put his lips on them or their stuff. If they turn around to talk to him, he walks off. He does this with family and strangers. Family will still pick him up and talk to him, even when he is walking off. If he is receptive to them, he starts talking in his jargon or makes a comment about something totally unrelated. They will usually proceed to talk to him and then he will proceed to talk in his jargon. The episode doesn't upset him, but makes him seem quite aloof.

This alarms me. My 2.5 year old acts like this. I'm starting to.... worry about her too. She is very different from dd5. She is very hard to understand when she speaks and can really barely string words together and when she does it's not close to correct. On top of that a lot of what she "says" SEEMS to be jibberish, not actually words event hough it kind of sounds like words. Then there is really no back in forth during discussions. Only pragmatic things like "Want dinner?" "Ya" She never asks a non functional question. When ever someone talks to her, unless there is a pragmatic question somewhere in there (like "want a gummy bear?") she just stares at the person and wanders off.



No trust me, we have thought about this. She has been alone in a room with DD5 when she visits, but not alone in the house anytime recently. MIL also has a pain killer/pill addiction so we don't use her as a babysitter, ever. We require that she always keep the door open when dd5 is in the room with her. But that doesn't mean she isn't whispering creepy stuff to her, which I'm sure she is. I don't know why she feels the need to say/tell completely innappropriate things to a child, but she does.

We are probably going to limit her visits even further in light of her last visit. At this past visit we decided to tell her about dd5s ASD diagnosis. We were hoping to help explain her bahavior as well as buy some breathing room for dd5 and explain why she will need to visit less frequently in the future now that school has started. Instead she started crying and said that she needs to "maximize" her visits since we "only" let her visit every 6-8 weeks and that's why she "needs" to be in dd5's space and constantly interacting with her, even when dd5 makes it clear she doesn't want to anc actively HIDES from her. On top of that she demanded to visit every 4 weeks because *she* (MIL) is in an emotionally "bad place" and needs her granddaughter to make *her* feel better. BARF. Amiright? BARF. I "wut???"-ed several times during this conversation followed by a "SERIOUSLY?!?!" And I then told her that I'm a mother and I have to look out for my kids best interests and shes and adult and SHE needs to take care of herself and that we're not responsible for her being in a "dark place". OR whatever.

She didn't take the book on autism I got for her, didn't ask any questions about it, and really, in general, didn't seem to give a single "you know what". She made no attempt to give dd5 any extra breathing room, and the would get upset when dd5 acted up! This is pretty much what I expected, but needed to do it to get another step in the direction of vewer visits. I have buy in from DH, but he doesn't want zero contact with his mom. He doesn't mind going to less, but we need to have good reasons. He's trying to let her have SOME part in the kids lives, he gives her every possible chance... but the lady is really good at digging her own grave.

We've had to minimize contact with my parents, and have done so with not terrific success - they come twice a year (which is really two times too many) and we try as hard as we can to keep them out of our house.

So, I'd recommend that the 8 week visits be at some kind of activity that your children can tolerate, and be clear that the time is supposed to be fun for them (you could say "we want them to associate you with fun, not with stress.") Mini golf, a visit to a park or the zoo, museum, hiking, a restaurant - anywhere that is mostly tolerable for you and your kids and puts a barrier between them and your home. Your DH might have an easier time with reducing visits if you do it this way, and your MIL will probably behave better, if not perfectly, in public.

I also set rules in my house - if DS goes to his room (or another designated spot of your choosing,) that's his sanctuary and nobody can follow him. Period. He is allowed to be "rude" to visitors. You can ask your service provider to back you up and say it is a house rule that your therapist thinks is good for your children. Tell her that you are teaching him about setting boundaries, and he has to practice with family because you are concerned that he doesn't generalize rules well. (Explain that kids who are victims to "stranger danger" often have a history of being forced to socialize with family members

If she complains about her needs, you need to be firm: your kids are children and cannot be concerned about the needs of an adult. Refer her to a support group, I'm sure there are some in your area. Expect her to say no and whine and cry about it like a child (personal experience) but stand firm: THIS IS NOT YOUR KIDS' PROBLEM.

So sorry. We've been there, to some degree.

Momsparky-

I like the sanctuary Idea, I think I will do that for all future visits from anyone. I'll probably make it her room/bed or the tent once we get her little sisters crib out of there and move the tent in.

Visits from MIL typically go like this: She visits for just about a weekend. She will usually show up Thursday evening and leave on Sunday. She spends Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night at our house. She is coming from about 300 miles away so really a short visit is not much of an option, even if we met in the middle somewhere, thats a rought one for one day with both kids (150 miles), but maybe if we could do that everyonce in awhile instead, it might help. Usually I try to plan some activities "out". however, my MIL really hates going out anywhere to do anything and usually has some excuse to force us to sit around the house. Going out does seem to help dd5 a lot in situations like this, not sure why exactly. Even this past visit I made it clear from the beginning "WE ARE GOING TO THE ZOO" And MAN did she try to wiggle out of it and make us skip it even though the kids would have been heartbroken. Then the whole time we're there, complain, complain. Even then with the trip, there was still a lot of house time.

DH and I talked last night about decreasing her visits further. We both think it's a good idea but know that she won't handle it well. If we could get dd5 to articipate in phonecalls or skype it might be feasible, but as you can probably guess shes not much for phonecalls or conversation over skype. She would probably turn the skype off and get on you tube to watch angry birds videos... Every phone call in recent memory has gone like this:
DH: "DD5 say hi to your grandma."
DD5: "HI... uh, can I have that phone to play bad piggies?"
DH: "No we're talking to grandma."
DD5: " I already said 'HI'.... turn her off and give me the phone so I can play bad piggies..."

One other thing we did: when DS was about your son's age, we insisted that my family book a hotel room and stay there during visits. They whined and complained, but we stuck to our guns - we explained that we already don't have much room, it's disruptive to our family, and they needed to be able to keep their own schedule so it works out for all of us. Makes keeping them out of the house much easier.

Heres a thought, does your MIL like snakes? Maybe you could get a pet snake or tarantula or something to keep her away!

Sounds like a nightmare, although quite similar to my inlaws, seems like there is a pattern here! My mil lived miles away and we hated driving down there as dd5 used to scream all the way and like you say it means staying over and dragging the whole thing out. Which distrupted dd5s routine and meant we had to spend a week getting back to normal afterwards. "Luckily" they are now only 30 mins away, oh joy In a way its better because visits dont involve sleeping over, we have control over when we leave etc, but they are more frequent.

It sounds a lot like your mil may have some ASD traits herself, I have this problem with mine which causes even more denial problems grrr. So books and info are rejected, even talking about it is a problem, we all just pretend its not happening so she is pushed away even more, not that Im botherted. Whereas with my parents they inderstand and we can chat about appointments and her progress etc, so its all a lot more relaxed and accepted, theres no problem here. They have read books and are happy to help however we want them to. Mil however is determined to prove us wrong and will do the opposite of anything we request So she may have noticed a drop in visits, calls and general politeness from me.

Ok, CWA, listen. Your MIL is creeping me out. She NEEDS her GD to make HER feel better emotionally ? The woman needs Prozac, not her grandchild.

Listen, I know you say that your daughter is never alone in the house with her and that the room to her door is always open.. BUT... Never underestimate the power of the wicked witch of the west. Sounds like she is emotionally abusive to your child. So, add Grandma to all of your DD's ongoing issues, and it doesn't take an Einstein to figure out why the poor child "acts up", once her grandmother leaves !

Your MIL is a creep... Get her out of your lives like yesterday, already. If your DH wants to have contact with his weird Mom in any way, shape or form, then he is on his own. He is a grown man and probably does not recognize emotional incest when he sees it - I wouldn't be even remotely surprised if he had experienced the same thing from her as a child - but you should know better. Kick her out... She is so creepy she makes my skin crawl (and this is just from reading your postings about her.)

Additional thoughts, for what they are worth:

Based on what you have typed, I do not think your daughter likes your MIL. I know you can't very well congratulate her for her good taste and that you have to teach her to be polite, but is it really productive to push this woman, grandma or not, on your daughter, especially when the woman is unbalanced and disruptive. Pushing a person on a child just makes the child dislike her more.

I know the woman is your husband's dad, and he still loves her, but placating this woman will not help anybody. You have to set boundaries; and the good thing about her being far away, is if she flips out, she is easily avoided until she decides to be civil. I would not allow her to have this kind of control over your family.

My 2c...
Tough situation. We also have issues with our youngest "playing up" after my parents come to visit, however, he loves them and enjoys having them here (and we do too) but it's just so different from the usual routine that he gets confused, pushes boundaries and is generally tired and overwhelmed when they leave. I'm not sure you can have visitors, when you have a child with ASD and NOT expect some craziness after the visitors leave.
If this were me, because this is DH's mum, I would be trying to be accomodating to her whilst very seriously protecting my child's best interests. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for some breathing space on the visits, AT ALL. Now she knows your DD has ASD, she has her reason why... it is too disruptive to have visitors so often and you are really sorry she's struggling but so is your daughter. I wonder if she would be happy to come for an extra day, but only every 3-4 months, also with the understanding that you are giving your DD an option to retreat to her sanctuary (the sanctuary is a great idea) at any time during the visit, and maybe tell her you'll try to work on the skype thing. Would that make it worse to have her an extra day, but much less often? yeh, that could be a bad idea, I'm just throwing it out there! Maybe you could tell her you'll look at increasing the visits again once DD matures a little to help her cope!
I don't doubt your MIL loves her granddaughter, I think she needs to be told how to show that and learn to put her granddaughter's needs before her own... I'm hoping she can "get" this. I'm an eternal optimist!
Good luck