Need advice on social and behavioral issues with homeschool

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We have just decided to pull my DS7 out of first grade and homeschool. He has AS and ADHD.

At public school he had a wonderful teacher who was pulling out all the stops to work with him, but it still wasn't enough. We discovered he learns absolutely nothing during large group instruction, but learns ok in small groups. Behavior-wise, he was constantly calling out (sometimes on-topic, often off), and was having moderate issues (dropping items on the floor or wandering the room) several times a day and extreme meltdowns (hitting, kicking, turning over desks) about once a week.

The school brought in a behavioral aide, and as she began to work with him, the meltdowns and difficult behavior increased. Other parents protested his presence in the general ed class, and the school pressured us to accept placement in a special day class with cognitively impaired kids. (The reading program they proposed to use for him only aimed to teach 200 words in the first year.) Rather than fight it through due process, which could take months, we've decided to pull him out and homeschool. We plan to move to another district anyway within the next 3-6 months, and are actively looking at houses.

Academically, he's at grade level in math, and reading and writing like a fall kindergartener. Socially, he really identifies with his class, and had 2-3 boys he played tag and imaginitive games (pirates, knights) with at recess, and idolized a "best friend" who liked him well enough to choose to sit next to him (the teacher lets everyone choose a new desk every Monday.) (Unfortunately the mother of the "best friend" organized an attendance boycott to presssure the school to get my son out of the class, so future playdates with him are not an option.)

So how do I get him social opportutites as a homeschooler? The charter school we are going with has a 1 day a week enrichment class, but I forsee the same behavioral issues if we attend it. The park gatherings that other homeschoolers do won't work for him. We could do classes for soccer, science, etc., but it takes him a lot of time and seeing the same person over and over to begin to form a friendship. I'm the same way (it takes me about a year to connect to someone) so I don't think it will be easy for me to make friends with the parents and arrange playdates.

And what do I do to address the behavior issues? He's already on medications for ADHD and aggression (Aderall, Intuniv, and Resperidone), which have helped but are not enough. I would like him to be able to attend things like science lab and music classes and cub scouts, but right now his behavior is such that he will get kicked out. (He's had to drop two "Friends Club" classes due to meltdowns.)

Has he worked very much with an OT who specializes in sensory integration? My son had horrible sensory integration issues at that age and sensory-based OT did seem to help.

Do you know the parents of the other boys? Not the bully mom? (because that is what I consider her) Is there a way you could arrange for after school activities with them?

My son has NVLD and ADHD, and I'd like to offer you hope. He did "grow out of" the worst of his symptoms by about 5th grade. I would say kindergarten through 3rd grade could easily have been equated to "hell-like" but things did get better. I think that in the event your son follows the same path, it would be helpful if he kept ties with kids in school so that if he goes back, he'll know someone. And if you do move to a new district, I would recommend finding some way to get him connected with peers there, too.

My cousins were homeschooled, but did go to school for PE and a couple of other classes. They also participated in after-school activities. Are there classes he does well enough in that he could go in for an hour each day? Maybe if he had smaller doses, he could learn to manage better. In fact, that is how we got my daughter going to school full-time. We started small and just increased the time she spent there bit by bit until she was able to tolerate a whole day 5 days a week.

Sorry you are having such a tough time. That age was heartbreaking for me because of the impact it had on my son. I really feel for you.

my son is homeschooed, 7yo AS and ADHD. He has been homeschooled since K, and thriving! He has freinds, and participates in tons of group activities. I suggest doing a Yahoo groups search for local homeschool groups, and join them ASAP! Homeschool groups have many activities, some have co-ops, there are always tons of events to pick from to keep my son active and with kids. In these group programs, hehas to work on his social skills and keep his behavior in check, but the pressure is different casue there is support RIGHT there for him. Also, the programs might run an hour or two, so he can get a break after and not be pressured all day.

He is also involved in after school activities such as karate, social skills group, theatre group, swimming, he is in a homeschool bowling league....

What I did was be straight forward about my son and his issues as well as his strengths. I was SURPRISED how many others in the homeschool community had kids like mine, and even how open everyone was whose kids are NT, to work with my son. He has friends who are NT, friends who are on teh spectrum, and everything in between. He has friends hwo go to public school as well as homeschool freinds.

the library is a huge resource too. Look upi your local library and sign him up for as many programs as you can fit into your schedule. Free programs are always great casue as a homeschooler, you tend to pay for it all, curriculum, programs, etc...so the library being free is great!

I also set up playdates and initiate as many things as I can for my son to participate in. I think as long as they are active in the community, and you have a good homeschool community you will be fine, and your son will THRIVE!! !

good luck please let me know if I can help in any way

My social experience in homeschooling has been much like MMJMOM's. Socialization within the homeschool communities is vastly superior to that in schools. In fact, when people learn that my son has Aspergers they are surprised b/c they thought all aspie kids have impulsivity, aggression, etc. It depends on the child, but secondly, it depends on how much they've been beaten down. First accept your child as he is. Since I have homeschooled from kindergarten, my kids protected fro being roughed up by schooled kids. I had less to contend with.

I would take socialization really slowly. Focus on academics, field trips, library, fun projects etc. and let him decompress for as long as it takes to be comfortable. Unlike MMJMOM's child, my son could not tolerate a ton of out of the house activities. But slowly and surely he has picked up the pace. At first we only challenged him with a few things, like a coop one morning a week and basketball. Now at age 11, he does karate, a homeschool writing class, a homeschool science class, and a high level chorus. He also plays with the boys in the neighborhood on his own terms, and that is where he has the roughest time b/c it is unsupervised. We have only started dropping him off for activities this year, so I am not there to support him for karate, science, and chorus. He has done extremely well, including a choral performance yesterday. In years' past, he has run off the stage. He did very well yesterday.

I wouldn't worry about how long it takes to make a friend, or that it may be a one-sided friendship. IMHO, once he is decompressed, the better side of his personality will come out and make socialization much easier.

I think I'm stuck staring with disbelief at the paragraph where the mom of your son's best friend tried to get your son out of the school ... wow. Seriously makes me want to do things against my personality ...

The hope, of course, is that being in the home school environment will naturally be more suitable for your child and, thus, the behavior issues will start to dissipate. You will now have a first hand look at what is going on, and should use that opportunity to identify and mitigate triggers and stressors. It is a difficult and imprecise process, but also, in my experience, highly effective. Conform your son's worlds to his needs and behavior improves. Once he feels safe he can start to exercise some self-control, and it should be easier for him to start accepting some of those stressors back into his life - slowly. The oddest things can be sending him into disarray; pay close attention, keep a log if it helps, and get to know him at a deeper level than you ever have.

Also figure out what stims and activities make good stress relievers for your son, and integrate those into his day as sensory or stress breaks.

Best of luck. I know the above isn't a very in-depth discussion of a lengthy and in-depth process, but the process is basically something we've done over on this board a few thousand times. It works. Stick to the process.

When we pulled my son out of school to home-school, it was a couple of months before summer break. During summer we found a social skills camp which utilized horses and other farm animals as part of the curriculum. He loved it and the folks were trained on how to de-escalate issues as they arose.

After he had a successful group/kid experience, he has been better doing other things. I work during the day so can't participate in most of the homeschool group activities, and he is not athletic, not interested in sports. it has been a challenge. Right now we have him in the drama enrichment class through the charter. What I have found is that as he is less anxious, and pretty lonely, he is capable of managing his behavior for 1.5 hrs once a week.

I wish we had more opportunities, but I can say that we are all really happy that the negativity has all stopped and that whatever he does with other kids is now positive.

The other thing is at the charter, I can go if need be. They don't mind parents around, so check it out if you're worried.