Hygiene

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My 12 year old's hygiene has taken a hit. He refuses to do the following:

1) shower/bathe
2) change socks/underwear regularly
3) wash his hands after using the washroom
4) wipe himself after a BM
5) change underwear after soiling it from BM

We have a shower schedule now but he will only shower after I remind him the time (I have it set on my cel). He will only change socks/underwear if I stand in front of him, nagging. He used to wash his hands but has since stopped. He will not use toilet paper!!

I don't understand what's going on with him!

Have you talked to him about it? I doubt anyone here can guess what is going on any better than you can....but some people are sure to have ideas. If possible getting his side though may be helpful as that is the only real way to know exactly what is going on.

Ya, he says "I don't know" or "It's my body."

hmm, yeah that's not much help probably...I mean I would say maybe its an issue of being forgetful about that stuff, but things like not using toilet paper are well very uncomfortable so that in itself should be a bit of a reminder. Or maybe its an issue of lack of self awareness to a more severe degree than I've experianced.

I guess the key is finding out if its because he willingly chooses not to, or if its something else....Is he aware of the potential health dangers of all that. Like smelly feet and the risk of foot fungus, or obviously continuing to wear soild underwear or not wiping when necessary cannot be healthy....maybe he just doesn't see why its important to have better hygiene. Did this problem just come up out of nowhere after he was doing fine or has it been a more ongoing issue?

Well he's always had trouble wiping but now he doesn't bother trying at all. Not only are his underwear soiled, but they're caked. He says "I'm too lazy". I know pre-teens and teens have issues around showering. Either they shower too much or not enough. But his resistance to even wash his hands is new (in the last month or so) and "I'm too lazy" just isn't cutting it. Not only that, but he sits on our couch with soiled underwear .. you can imagine what happens. I've spoken to him about this but it hasn't made a difference.

I wonder if it would be appropriate to mention it to his teacher - in terms of self-care. Maybe if he hears it from someone else, he'll understand better.

his peers at school will eventually get to him.

I'd suggest that he means it when he says 'I don't know' - just like those on the spectrum can't always explain their emotions or why they do what they do, when pushed they can come up with any number of excuses or put-up walls when they're questioned. The hygiene issue is common in those on the spectrum with both parents and children being equally frustrated by the whole thing, I've never seen a child able to explain WHY they struggle the way they do because they know they should...they know how...they know why...but it just seems that something in the process is missing, they're just not connecting the dots and they don't know why.

I'd not tell his teachers, if he finds out you've done that it'll just shame him and he really doesn't need that - no other types of shaming either, for example no telling him that his peers will find out. Trust me, shaming and nagging just won't work...of course, there is no magic solution either.

I think it's a matter of keeping up the routine of getting him to shower etc. but focus less on the time, you don't want him to associate a need to shower with a specific time because thinking logically this makes no sense...instead he needs to associate showering with a need to clean himself as part of good hygiene. Perhaps rather than nagging him at a specific time, every day or so randomly mention he may need a shower, allow him to take his own initiative to shower himself and only start to pressure him if he continues not to shower. It may also help to go shopping for special items, grown-up nice smelling shower gel for example, that are going to make him want to wash and that will give him a specific routine while in the shower. In things like socks make a point to lay out fresh socks for him, and ask him for his dirty socks every day.

When it comes to the BM issue, it's trickier, remember that it's not intentional...I'm sure he doesn't want to sit round in his own BM's and I'm sure he's not stupid so knows it's unhealthy...for whatever reason he's skipping this step. If toilet paper is the issue try his using 'family wipes' and water instead, which will also be bringing in a specific step or routine to his toilet habits. You need to figure out a way to get him to stop after a BM in order to wipe, maybe a sign on the door or you stopping him to repeat to him verbally and visually the process of wiping and washing hands. It may be that he's got something else to do and thus this as an extra step to get in the way of whatever else he has to do, so maybe try stopping him from doing anything else until he wipes, washes hands, etc.

You just have to keep it up and keep working at it until it clicks.

I think there can be a lack of understanding of the body's "Design". That somehow it doesn't make sense that the body is made in a way that is becomes stinky or expels stinky things.

I'd wonder if this could be illustrated with other processes that create waste. I mean the house hold and the kitchen generate garbage. It's enjoyable to cook and eat but both things are waste generators.

I don't know if having him sit in the kitchen during meal preparation and emphasizing this process could make something click in his mind. I imagine during meal time he just cares about the eating part. I just think of something as simple as pealing a banana, setting the peal on the counter, and approaching the idea of waste by pointing out that compost can't be left to accumulate on the counter.

Similarly his body is like the household or a factory on this inside growing his hair and nails and making him taller, but producing waste in the process that needs attention.

I dunno maybe it comes partly from mechanical thinking to. Suppose he plays video games he doesn't see the Stink emited from the XBox or TV. This isn't entirely true though because it occurs remotely whereever the power plant is. Or if his gets Fast Food he doesn't see the waste generated, but if you see a grease box behind a restaurant it stinks horribly.

Have you considered sensory issues?

I have issues with showers because I feel more icky from soap after washing than before I showered. Using liquid soap helps some... but not totally. Also water spray is painful and my skin stings horrible after a shower. Hand washing.. I hate wet hands.. and don't get me started on most towels. I do wash my hands after using the toilet because I am a germaphobe even more than I hate the texture of towels and water.

Toilet paper is very painful to wipe with. You can compare it to sandpaper! Try getting your son some of those flushable wipes? (I think I saw someone else suggest that too) Or a brand of TP that is softer than what you have. I refuse to use anything besides the softest stuff... and in case in public kleenex are a good stand by.

I also forget to take showers... brush my teeth... comb my hair... you name it.... I have an alarm for it! So beyond the needing an alarm there is the procrastination of the fact that toothpaste is the most foul substance ever created.... And water... and soap... **sigh**

As for changing the underwear... that can be sensory too. The longer you wear clothing (and yes that includes dirty clothing) the more comfortable you feel in it.

I think that is enough examples to get you what I am talking about... I always had sensory issues... but just before puberty they went ++ on me. At age twelve I would not even realize this was the reason of my behavior. I am almost 40 now and only just come to realize the reasons....

(if I have to edit this message one more time because I find yet another typo I am seriously gonna pitch a fit lol)

Valkyrie2012 I have found toothpaste that is not mint helps. Look for sorbitol on the ingredients. That feels cool not minty.

Thanks for the tip! I will definitely try that )

Could self-esteem be a factor? It is probably not the only factor, but I ask because you said he has had problems with wiping in the past and now he does not seem to be trying at all.

When I was a teen/preteen, I usually dealt with embarrassment by either a) developing
obsessive-compulsive behaviors or b) giving up and telling myself I didn't care. I usually did more of the former, but some kids lean towards the latter. Not sure which is worse...

Thanks for the responses everyone!! I'd really like to address them all too - and will tomorrow. Lots of things to think about, for sure.

Ya, I agree. It was a random thought but you're right.


That's the problem. I waited for 2 weeks and he will not shower. I have to bring it to his attention. As for socks and underwear, even when I bring it to him, he'll hide the clean ones under his bed when I'm not looking. I obviously can't watch him change. I can ask for the dirty ones but that's the problem.. I'm having to ask and he doesn't like it.


I used to have a sign on the toilet. He chucked it, twice. I don't think forgetting is the main issue - I think he just doesn't want to do it.


Possibly. Good thinking.


Some of it is sensory. He doesn't like wiping his skin - it hurts. That's why he's still dirty, even after a shower. That I can understand. Some of the issues, like hand washing, was not an issue until recently. We even have liquid soap that he likes. Now he only washes when I send him back.


I'll have to try that.


Good point but it's never been an issue before. I think he would have fussed more when he was younger and I gave him new underwear. He never complained of any discomfort. I think it's "out of sight - out of mind". Regardless if it's soiled, once he pulls it up, he doesn't see - therefor, it's not a problem to him. With regards to sensory, I don't think he "feels" the discomfort. He's more hypo that way. He's the kid I used to have to fix his pants because one leg would be tucked into a sock, or it would be put on with the button to a side, etc. He was pretty oblivious.

Thanks to everyone else!

My sensory issues only got bad ++ when I turned pre teen - just about your sons age. I get the out of sight out of mind thing too. But that is what my umpteen alarms are for. Kids can switch from hypo sensitive to hyper and vice-versa too. I believe some on the spectrum "think the norms of hygiene" are too strict... I read that somewhere.

My son used to bite his toenails... made me bonkers. Ick. Ick. and again ICK. I used to threaten every thing. No tv.. no games etc... none of it worked... so one day I asked him.. how many germs do you think you just ate? ... he just gave me a look. So then I asked another question... Didn't you just walk outside in the grass barefoot? He still said nothing but was frowning. I next asked him where he walked our dog to pee n poo... that did it. He never bit his toenails again.

I didn't give him the answers to my questions.. let him piece it all together himself. I have more "duh" moments than I can count. Sometimes I just don't see why or how etc until someone brings it into light in a way I understand. Black and white thinking can just have us miss the point sometimes or we just don't grasp all sides of s situation without help. Also rule bound thinking.. if your son just doesn't get your rules or doesn't see the point to them (back to not grasping all sides of a situation) about hygiene he will probably never follow them.

Find a way he can relate... like I did.. It completely repulsed my son once he thought of his toenail biting in that new light I gave him.

Good luck in your plight. Hope it works out for you.