"This is my house, my rules!"

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To which I say: how more ret*d and immature can you get? (Do note that this has never actually been one of my problems, even though I had countless other problems with my parents, and certainly nothing current - so it is, essentially, an outsider's perspective.)

Not like you didn't just have sex on some random day and time for your children to be born, only to tell them decades later that the house they've been growing up in isn't even theirs. Could parents be any more selfish and cruel than that? (Well, in a manner of speaking...)

Not like they even had a choice as to whether to be born or not. Not like you'd even approve of their suicide at this point, so as to not have to follow your rules.

What petty and pathetic little dictators many parents can be.

I am sorry that you are so upset...and wonder what rules that your parents are referring to.

I find that with my son, who is 7, all the explaining in the world wont make him comply. Unfortunately, for him, sometimes if I say, "because I said so" he will comply without asking a million whys. I am nott he type of parent who likes to say things like "because I said so" or "my house, my rules" but sometimes that is all that works after hours, days and years of explaining. I actually had my sons ABA tell me my son needs to learn to follow rules for the sake of following rules, not always needing to know why. He is a very sweet man, not pushy, not mean, never forces my son to do things he doesnt want, etc...but sometimes kids need to follow a rule or direction and we cant explain fully why.

I dont know if that makes sence, and again I dont know your family or why your paretns said that. More info about exactly what rules would probably help a bit!! !

Hi, I'm forty-nine years old. After living on my own from 1982-84 and then from 1985 all the way to 2008, I have been back living with my parents since 2008 and it has been damn difficult at times.

I try to nonengage in arguments. I try to follow the approach that if someone needs space, I can go ahead and give them space, without the intermediate step of asking whether they should need space.

My dad is against showers at night I think over and above the noise factor, but okay, it's something which affects him, so I try and defer. (He's generally a control nut. The things which more affect him, I'll defer on.) But when he overpreaches religion, for example, no, that's a personal decision, I'll believe my own way thank you very much.

If you have to say out loud, "Because I said so," chances are any useful discussion is over, since you're essentially threatening punishment or expulsion for non-compliance. That said, when it comes to kids, sometimes you HAVE to take that line, because kids SHOULD do what their parents tell them,period. Sometimes it's useful to explain why to a kid, because it helps them understand. But it's not a negotiation where if Mom doesn't come up with a good enough reason, the kid doesn't have to do that thing. When the kid starts thinking that, then it's time to remind him that an explanation is a courtesy, not a requirement.

Adult children are a whole different bag. Fortunately, I've never had to live with my mother for long as an adult. It could have gotten ugly if I had.

Well I agree. If it is my house, I want thing a certain way and it's my own personal space and I want to be comfortable in it. If you can't respect it, get out and don't come back. I don't want to deal with noise I can't stand or people tracing in dirt and messing my things up, poking holes in my walls and breaking things. My house my rules. I am sure you have standards you want people to do around you or follow in your own home or bedroom because it's your personal space and your comfort zone and you don't want anyone to wreck it or do things you don't like that bug you. I think my rules are pretty logical but someone else may not think so so even a explanation why may not be good enough so I would be resort to saying "My house, my rules."

"Hey don't track mud in my house, take your shoes off."
"I can always wash the floor before I leave."
"I don't care, I don't like mud in my home, take them off please."
"Why do you not like mud on the floor?"
"Because I don't like dirt and messes."
"Well why? You can always clean it up."

See how irritating this is when my answers are not logical enough for someone? How do I explain why I don't like dirt or mud in my home? Can you explain your own dislikes and why you want things a certain way or your own sensory issues like "Why does it feel that way on your skin?" "Why can't you get used to it?" I wouldn't know how to explain either to these questions. After all your answers you may give may not be good enough for someone because they still may not understand so it's just easier if they just take your word for it and listen, especially to your house rules.

My father used to do that just to be an a***hole. He'd do something nasty and petty, and when I protested, he'd say "If you don't like it, you can move out" (knowing perfectly well that my alternative to living in the same house as him was homelessness) and then stand there smirking.
Only jerks get off on having power over their own children.

It is a pretty cheap answer, "my house, my rules." People usually get further by explaining themselves better.

But in the case of permanent conflict between the owner of the home and the adult child sharing it, that is the default: the homeowner gets to set the rules, and if the adult child does not like them, they can (in theory, at least) move.

Young adulthood can be a very tough time for both the young adults and parents. Everyone, in theory, wants and has a right to having things "thier" way. But life is about give and take, bending and compromise. I would hope that a parent sharing their home with an adult child would try to accommodate the needs of the adult child, but I would also hope that the adult child would understand that parent has needs, too, and that while it is OK for young child to not be aware of the parent's needs, an adult child DOES have to be aware of and respect the needs of the parent. The time of the parent completely subordinating their own needs to that of the child passed when the child legally finished growing up.

Young adulthood is especially tough on Aspies, who can find themselves trapped between what is expected of them and what they are developmentally ready for. I am sorry you are having a rough time, but your parents are doing the best they can. They aren't perfect or all-knowing, and they have needs, too.

If there are some specific issues you'd like help trying to work out with your parents, run them by us. Maybe we can come up with suggestions.

"As long as you live under a roof that I am paying for; eating food that I am paying for; wearing clothes that I am paying for; or using electricity, gas, and water that I'm paying for; you will follow my rules."

In other words, "I am supporting you, so do what I tell you, or move out and live on your own."

Seems fair to me!

It seems fair to most of those who are paying the bills, not as fair to those who aren't.

It is plain old one of the privileges of self sufficiency, you buy the environment you need. It's the reason most feel the need to leave the nest. If you got to keep making the rules while not paying the bills, why would you ever go?

Last night my 13 yo asked if he would have to pay rent at 18. He said he never wanted to move, but wasn't thrilled about the rent idea... I said if you're a full time student, you can live here free. If you aren't, you must have a job and you will pay a portion of your income as rent, which I will save for you as a nest egg for when you do which to move.

That's basically how it works.

If you don't like it, move out or pay rent.

I think wording it that way should be a very last resort. Usually by that age if the child is hf enough, the child -knows- the parent has the right to kick him out. It is implied and I would think in most cases does not need to be mentioned. I also think it depends on how reasonable the parental request is and how it is said. Sometimes parents resort to that when they are caught in a looping conversation that goes nowhere, where the child cannot be persuaded, but the parents are also adamant to their point.

Parents should not expect adult children to do things they don't have the skill set for, at least not without help. I also think that unless there is a very good reason (say a history of hoarding weapons or something) the child should be entitled to privacy and a a safe amount of autonomy. Also a parent should not treat the child like a slave and make them do everything, just because the child is trapped there.

Ideally, both parties can agree on something reasonable.

You'd think that by the age of 23, a "child" should be able to support himself; or, if he is unable to do so, he should show more gratitude to the people who pay his way for him.

"My house, my rules" is a strange mix of fair and unfair.

On the one hand, it seems fair that a parent can place restrictions on how their child can use something which belongs to the parent. If this applies to objects in a house, why shouldn't it apply to the house itself?

On the other hand, it seems unfair that a parent can suddenly place themselves in the role of landlord whenever it is convenient for them, even if most of the time they are in a much more vague role. In my opinion, if parents see themselves as landlords, then they should be consistent about it.

I think it depends. I have read enough posts on here, where it seems the adult child is being used or mistreated and the adult child seems to have no practical way to get out because he/she does not have or was not given the tools to do so.

If the child is being treated like some kind of indentured servant, I don't know that gratitude is in order. That does not mean that I think that a child being treated with respect should not be grateful and happy that his family is helping him. I am not justifying a feeling of bratty entitlement where a child treats the parents with disrespect, either.

I think sometimes it is complicated.

No. Just because they're younger doesn't mean they're inferior to you. Giving an explanation is just plain respectful. I volunteer with kids a lot, and I have never found a situation where I can't give a good, logical reason why the kid needs to do something. If I can't give such a reason, I have no right to require it from them.

And the only kids who didn't understand my reasons, when I explained them clearly and simply, were nonverbal or minimally verbal. There is also the other side - hearing the kid's reasons. When the kid tells me their reason for protesting, I can figure out a compromise that suits both of us. For example, in one summer camp, we'd load up a bunch of children and volunteers in a van to take them somewhere fun. One day, one girl was refusing to go in the van. I asked her why, and she said it was because the only free seat was beside her brother (who is LFA and physically aggressive, plus two years older). Easy solution - I swapped places with her brother, and she sat beside me instead.

Sad thing is, sometimes adults will tell kids to do things that they shouldn't be doing. There are abusers in the world, and most are trusted authority figures to the child they abuse. If you teach a kid that they should comply even if there isn't a good reason, you make it easier for an abuser to get compliance out of them while abusing them. I learnt this the hard way as a kid.

what about a rule like brush your teeth, come eat dinner, please put your PJs on. why do I have to explain over and over to no end to my son WHY he needs to brush his teeth, eat and get dressed, or do school work, etc...and its not the asking that is the issue its the fighting and crying that accompanies his protests. Eventually, I will say, "it is time to brush your teeth and you are going to answer me with YES MOM and go do that please" and he will go and do it. If I dont word it that way it opens up a whining complaining battle on his end.