Concerns & Guilt about my 29 year old

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My concern is that I'm not encouraging my son enough to get out on his own because I enjoy having him live with me. He is happy with his life as it is. He tried going to college, both living on campus and from home. He loves the atmosphere and the intellectual side, but doesn't keep up with the homework. In high school he was motivated by pleasing his teachers. That doesn't work in college. And he has a neural breakdown between what he thinks and the time it takes for him to get it on paper. He works part-time nights at UPS loading trucks. He has made friends with guys from his job and stops a couple of times a week at a diner after work with them. He also builds and fixes computers from home (for money) on a referral basis. He is extremely intelligent and loves reading all sorts of scientific and technical stuff online, as well as gaming. He agreed to meet a daughter of one of my co-workers, but it fizzled without a second date. He said he was only doing it to satisfy me and that he really feels it's too much work to try to keep a girlfriend relationship going -- that decided back in high school when a girl was interested in him and wanted a lot of attention! He also won't join this site. He says he goes about his life without thinking about having AS (for the most part), and he likes it that way. His sister and I accommodate him on areas that cause him stress (crowds, noises, babies, etc). His NT sister plans for him to live with her after I die (I'm 59). They are very close. He doesn't like to dwell on having AS and being "different." -- His words, not mine. Should I be trying to motivate him to move out of his comfort zone? Or should I just be happy that he is happy (and me) and leave well enough alone?

If he is happy with his life then I would think it is fine to just let things be. You can tell him that if there is anything he wants that he cannot achieve due to living with his mom, then he should feel free to tell you that. It sounds like he is doing fine, able to contribute financially and hold up his end of the household expenses plus he is doing stuff that he likes and socializing to a degree with which he is evidently comfortable. Don't buy into the idea that there is some "normal" life out there that people should be living, e.g. growing up getting a job, getting married and having kids. That life is not for everyone. It sounds like you have a wonderful family that is happy supporting each other! That is something to be thankful for indeed!

Thanks for your quick reply. I found a lot of resources to help guide me through my son's school years and it was still a difficult journey trying to figure out what advice was best for him and what was not. And then all of a sudden he's an adult! And finding answers became harder. I have always fought others beliefs that he needed to be "normal" in order to be happy. I think I second guess myself now because I like him living with me. I don't want to shortchange my son because I enjoy his company. My son lives in the moment and does not have traditional aspirations for the future. He hates being around crying babies or any yelling or conflict. He definitely does not want to have children. He does share his moments of social unease with his sister and me and also likes to share his social accomplishments. He has grown immensely in his social abilities over the past decade. And my whole goal has always been to help him be happy. I'll probably still worry, but it is very comforting hearing a response from someone who knows what AS is about instead of dealing only with NTs and their thoughts!

I can kind of offer insight from his point of view as I'm 24 and living at home with my 55 year old Mom. I actually do get the feeling that she enjoys having me live at home with her and my much younger brother and sister. I fix things that break (recently repaired the clothes washer, replaced the dishwasher, replaced a toilet's tank internals, snaked and fixed a sink clog, fixed the vacuum, built our computer, etc.), I do the more physically demanding jobs like cleaning gutters and yard work, I provide the most 'protection' I guess, in a less than stellar neighborhood without my father and generally help keep my brother and sister entertained and up to date on their school work. I also think (or hope) I provide some moral support to her so if there's some sort of quarrel with relatives or my older sister, I generally take my Mom's side since she provides, basically, everything that keeps me alive. Having said all of that, I'm incredibly thankful that my Mom makes this house feel like a home and despite the fact that I know she probably also feels like she's supposed to keep pushing me to be self-sufficient (I also went to college, living on campus for three years before dropping out), I'm incredibly thankful that she lets me take the steps I deem necessary, when I'm ready to take them, even if that means little to no progress in a given period. Or maybe she's just content letting my Dad do all of the badgering haha.

Yup - the only thing I would think about is to make sure you have not only a plan B, but a plan C and D so if things don't work out with his sister he has options. Can he manage enough to keep house reasonably and keep himself fed if he absolutely had to live on his own? Could he live in a group facility/roommate situation? Could he live on his own with a housekeeper, etc?

There is no one right way to live, and any way that's working isn't the 'wrong' way...as long as you have the big picture and future in mind. Since your son is able to keep a job and share in expenses, I am guessing that plans C and D won't be difficult. Sounds like you are a great Mom and have done a terrific job - you have a happy son, which is what all of us hope for!

I agree with MomSparky about having a Plan B and C, if you can. It never hurts to have contingencies.

I think that is natural to question things and I think it is very awesome that you can realize your own feelings and that you try to be objective. I wish that for myself if/when I get to that point.

You do not sound like a parent who is using the child for slave labor or anything. (Yes, I have seen posts that look like that--I am not talking about legitimate parental requests involving reasonable expectations---please do not flame me)

It sounds symbiotic, which is a good thing.. I think you are doing great by your son. Honestly, he would not be well-served by a parent who resented his presence in your home. Believe me there are many posts like that on this board, where "kids" feel like they are unwelcome in their homes. (I am not trying to start a flame war and am NOT talking about parents who are acting in their child's best interest to nudge them to independence they are capable of. I am talking about parents of kids with no skills to live on their own and parents who do not care and just want them out.)

I think the fact that you are asking the question means that you are doing what your son needs you to do. I do not think you should feel guilty.

It is so nice to hear from a parent who is content and who actually enjoys having her adult child living at home. I agree with the others... you are doing absolutely the right thing! Because he is at home, he is probably developing the life skills he will need in the future even better; if you notice there is something he finds hard (cooking, banking, housekeeping, taking the bus, finding his way around...) then it would be great if you could accompany him as he learns.

When I first started reading about autism I read lots about adults not having "successful" relationships, not being able to live on their own, etc. The idea of having my daughter continue to live with me was one of the most pleasant things about her. When you think about it, throughout history lots of older people have had their adult offspring live with them so they could take care of each other. And with this economy, the price of education, etc. there are lots of young people still at home. It's an option that can work wonderfully for the right families.

J.