Hello, I am the father of an Aspie.

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I am Rich; that is my name, not my bank account.

My son is a sweet, smart, handsome, big-hearted young man. I love him very, very much but have trouble knowing if we are emotionally connected. My father and I never had much of a relationship so I do not have a point of reference and compounded with his Asperger's, it is hard to tell.

I admit, before I understood his condition, I was more hard on him than I should have been. Now I really try to understand but sometimes the noises and the impulsive behavior is very frustrating.

I am here to learn about the ways I can be better for my son. His mother has been so involved with his education, therapies, etc. and she does so well with him.

Rich

What age is your son?

Hi Rich! I am the mother of an Aspie and my husband's name is Rich.

My guess is that your son is connected to you, just has a hard time expressing it. Have you spent one-on-one time with him regularly? My son is 9, and my husband takes him for haircuts, to the hardware store, watches football, and does other "guy" stuff with him.

Good luck,

Meet him where he is and reserve judgement. Simple suggestion. Difficult in practice.

Hi rich,
My hubbie would relate to your story, he too didn't have much of a relationship with his father as he left the nest when he was 10yrs old. He also has found and still finding it difficult dealing with our DD's behaviour and feels fatherhood has been challenging for him. My suggestion is ask him if he would like you guys to do something together, an outing of some kind maybe. Hopefully it's a success and you find something you both enjoy together.
I know one family friend takes his boy horse riding every few weeks. My hubbie and DD have done bike rides together. Food for thought

Does he talk to you about his special interests? That is an excellent way to bond with an Aspie. Not only do they love the opportunity to talk about their special interests, but when they get older and they learn that most people are not interested in these things to the extent they are, they tend to appreciate the people in their lives willing to indulge them.

Sometimes it can be hard to tell what Aspie's are feeling. Some are more emotive than others. If you are fair and consistent they appreciate that, too.

Although we are still very much finding our way with this too, I would concur with what most have said - join him in his world. My son and his dad bond by making 'animation' of my son's special interest of the time i.e. Donkey Kong, Super Mario with playdoh or lego and post it on youtube. My son absolutely adores this time with his dad (and hubby quite enjoys it too, just quietly )

Thank you. My son is 9.

I do enjoy doing "man stuff" with him. We are getting ready for the Pinewood Derby this month and he loves legos and the lego style Wii games. He has done Upward Basketball and he has been a Boy Scout since he was old enough.

One thing I have noticed is he does not like to be hugged or snuggled by anyone but his mother. This must be an Autism trait, I notice his friend is the same way. Instead I try to hug him with praise, I hope he gets that.

Sounds like you have a few ways to connect with him...that is great. I know kids on the spectrum CAN have issues being affectionate, yet my HF Aspergers son is quite the opposite. He is the most affectionate, cuddly snuggly child I have ever met in my life. He hugs EVERYONE. If you smile and look nice, you wll get a hug from my son. He will also try to crawl in the laps of people who look welcoming, hug and snuggle them too. He will cry if he has to sit and watch TV alone, or be in a room alone, he wants constant company and a lap to sit on at all times...lol.

Your son sounds like a great kid, and he has some likes that you can participate with him to bond and connect with him. I know my son gets so excited when we play vidoe games with him, or play with his plush vidoe game characters, anything to get to their level!

Seems like your son is very lucky to have such a caring involved dad as yourself.

It can be difficult to know the feelings of people on the spectrum. We can seem less affectionate due to more subtle facial expressions, lack of hugging, etc. This does not mean that we don't have those feelings. I know it was especially difficult for my mother before I was diagnosed. I loved her very much but just did not show it like other children (I also disliked hugs). Your son is emotionally connected to you, he just doesn't show it like everyone else.
My parents were also hard on me but they were only treating me like any other child. There is no way you could have known what you were doing wasn't the right thing and its not something you should hold against yourself.
Spending one-on-one time with him doing any activity is important.

My son is very much like that - I am the only person that he will gladly give a cuddle to. I think it's because I have done it since the day he was born, so he's used to it. Affection is very much on his terms, if someone just goes over to give him a hug, no matter how close he is to the person, his whole body tenses up and I can see that he gets very uncomfortable. If he gives them a cuddle (not very often unless it's me) then he does is very lovingly.

Shellfish makes a good point. My son is affectionate in general, but especially with me. Typically, when babies are colicky (as mine was, and as many spectrum kids are) they end up being snuggled a lot by their mom or other primary caretaker because we do not know what else to do. It is possible that even if they are not naturally snuggly that they at least get used to their mommy's snuggles, just due to the frequency factor. So some accidental desensitizing therapy may be going on. It does not typically occur to a mommy of an infant that the snuggling might be bothersome. We assume it is comforting, even if it does not help. There would have to be a hammer on the head obvious correlation between snuggling and discomfort for a mommy to even suspect this.

Do not take it personally. You might be able to gradually acclimate him.

The only thing is if he is somewhat socially skilled he might think it is unmanly to snuggle dad. I do not know when boys start being like that. My son is younger and not socially aware at all. You might have an idea when this starts, or if this has changed over time,maybe a parent of an NT boy or a mom with a more socially aware Aspie could help with that.