Disappointed

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My son, w ASD, was schedule to babysit tonight. He has been looking forward to it since September. His original date was cancelled due to the Christmas holidays which, oddly enough, was handled well. As it turned out, not a single child arrived. He waited an entire hour, hopeful for someone to show up. He had a list of games planned out, rewards handy, and was prepared!! He is 12 years old and sobbing at the moment. He was paid for the hour, thankfully (and surprisingly since he wasn't expecting $) but that wasn't enough to cure his tears. Poor Mr. Man!! xo

This, unfortunately, is one of the curses of being on the spectrum. We take our tasks seriously but others don't. It's like when I was in a band. I took the group seriously but it turned out to be just a jokefest to them. It's no wonder why we isolate from the world sometimes.

See this is the problem.

What did you think the band was ever going to be? Isnt the point to have fun? Is it possible that you took the fun out of it for everyon else?

But I degress, being an Aspie your not capable of seeing these things.

As far as the kids ot showing up and the baby sitting.. You see.. A part of having Apergers for some people is having a great desire to prove themselves to everyone else. They dont understand NT's and feel that if they use their logic to do x,y,z, that the humanoids will appreciate them.

Planning activities is actually inflicting force onto the kids to play along with somone elses ideas of what is 'good for them', and ensuring that, (as usual), the Aspie is at the true centre of attention and the one being looked after.

The Aspie child should know that other people dont like being forced to so things or have schedules and rules planned for them. NT's enjoy induviduality and not being pressured into 1 sided relationships. People will shy away from 1 sided relationsips because they do not enjoy them.

Aspies often feel that the world is 'blessed' by their enlightenment and experties. But i honestly beleive that the 'lesson' is never taught to them about respecting other peoples liberties and space.

Maybe it's true.. The parents beleive their children are gifted and academia rewards them so an 'ego' maybe begins to build for both parent and child so they acknowledge no wrong doing by themselves, but it must be the NT's fault.. And then us vs them thought pattern starts, black and white thinking, then into the cults trying to figure out why the outside world is messed up which is a never ending futile pursuit of knowledge. Then into depression and wondering where things went wrong and continually searching.

Tell your son next time to babysit that he cant prepare anythig in advance and allow the kids to come to him if they want to. Let him be the sitter and do his job. Let him understand the NTs better. Let the kids watch tv and you son sit and read a book or something. Then the kids will eventually approach him and probab Like him and come back. I highly suggest he learn these lessons young..

I have never baby sat. Hopefully your son will soon sometime.

This is offensive and generalising.
The OP's son had thought of a few things that he could do with the kids, when they came to the house. What's wrong with that. I'm pretty certain paid child minders have a box of stuff to do, for when their charges arrive. That doesn't mean they're controlling the activities. It just means that when the kids arrive and the minder asks what they'd like to do and they say, 'Watch TV', she can provide some stimulating alternatives. Or would you rather the kids were allowed to watch TV, for the duration of their stay, because that's what they want to do (as many kids would do just that).

Last edited by Mummy_of_Peanut on 09 Jan 2013, 6:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

From redrobin62's post, I imagine he had dreams of making a go of the band and actually getting paid to perform. Maybe he saw potential in himself and others, which the others didn't see or care about. Yes, you're supposed to have fun, in the process, but he said the others saw it as a 'jokefest', which left little opportunity for any success. You're suggesting they had little chance of success anyway and should just have had fun. How can you say that, when you've never heard redrobin62 play?

Assumptions Cackles is making. I remember when I was in PE, kids in my class didn't take it seriously so they would goof off and play the games wrong. It made PE hell for me because it was no fun and yet on my softball team, the girls in my PE would play the game right and take it more seriously. But in PE, they would goof off like one of them would hit the ball and run very slowly to the bases. She called it PE softball. I hated PE. I would walk away from it if i could but I was forced to stay in the game or else I would have failed PE and be forced to take it again and I didn't want to do PE. The kids goofing off in the games and not participating because they didn't care about their grade made it worse.

It's hard to do something and have fun when others are just goofing off because then it effects you.

I think I can assume you're not a musician...

Let me show you what you, an NT, didn't see:

- Not all bands are just for fun. There are professional bands all over the world that makes the band a job. People make a living with that job and depends on the band to pay the bills. You don't know if that's the case, but you assumed it's not.

- In case the band is just for fun, that doesn't mean you're not supposed to have responsibility. When you work in a group, you depend on others. I play for more than 20 years (10 of them, professionally) and all this time, the members of my bands always required some degree of commitment. Everytime someone showed lack of responsibility in band, he was cut off by other members because he was ruining the fun of it.

- Maybe redrobin was too hard on them, but you don't know that. Perhaps it's my aspie's black and white thinking but I believe you're really quick to judge people even when you don't know them.

Please note: Member Cackles has been banned.

To get back to the topic; it is very hard to prepare our Aspie kids for situations where we know they are really hoping for one a particular outcome and we do not know and cannot control whether or not that outcome becomes reality. I am always on pins and needles when DS REALLY wants to do something and I know he has something very particular in his mind about how the situation is going to go and I am unsure how it will work out. I try to prepare him for possible outcomes other than the one I know he wants to see. One thing DS really likes to do is show and tell at school. As a reward he is often given a card that allows him to bring a show and tell item. Unfortunately, the teacher isn't always able to let him do show and tell on the day he wants to do it (she tries to but can't always do it). When he picks out his item to bring to school in the morning, I always warn him that he may or may not get to do it THAT day. Learning to deal with disappointment is part of life but it seems to be such a hard lesson for our kiddos. I hope yours is feeling better and will be willing to try the babysitting gig again!

This may not help in the moment, but when I look at all the times my son has been disappointed, he's been pretty resiliant and recovers well. It probably hurts me more than him. It may take a while and it does hurt, but we do get on to something bigger, better and brighter. I think disappointments do prepare us for life. There are books in our children's library specifically about discoveries and inventions which came out of or after terrible disappointments. Thomas Edison was incredible in his ability to persevere after a tremendous number of disappointments. Since your son is old enough, maybe he'd like to read about some of these.

I feel for your son. Maybe next time while preparing for babysitting, you can set up scenarios. What happens if one child shows up? What can you do with a group of children? AND what happens if no children show up? This way he can be kind of prepared for any of these situations and hopefully wont be let down again.

Hope your son feels better!

League Girl, you are a MOM!! ! Your main job is to baby-sit and then some!!

ASDmom, I am sorry for your son's disappointment.

I am a little confused by the situation; when I think "babysitting," I'm not thinking of someone setting up a room hoping children will arrive; the need for childcare usually drives the hiring, rather the hiring driving the possible childcare. In any pre-set childcare situation, you could just get unlucky, and have no families feeling the need.

Do you think it was personal or just bad luck?

Was he prepared for the possibility of no children? I know I'm always preparing my son for disappointments like that, and truth be told he has a hard time accepting the possibility until it actually does happen: one of his Aspie traits seems to be believing that his visions and assumptions will always play out. One of my jobs has been to teach him that it doesn't usually go that way, sometimes for better but often for worse, and it is a life skill to adapt. My job is also, of course, to soften the blows that inevitably happen during the learning curve.

Anyway, best of luck to you in softening the blow while also trying to pass on the life skill.

Aww what a shame, I really hope he gets over it and can pick himself back up and arrange it for another time

Lol, totally right, of course, but I would assume she is thinking of being asked to care for someone's child (as you know)

My son doesn't babysit, we aren't that close to anyone with young children right now, and I can't imagine him wanting to, but he does frequently work with children both as a childcare center volunteer (where he is quite specifically charged with playing and teaching games, perfect for him) and has worked as a paid scout camp leader. I was weary of him applying for either of those positions, and had him well prepared (I hope) for possible rejection (which can happen to anyone, really), but he's made a lot of adult friends over the years who watch out for him, allowing him a few more years in a somewhat charmed bubble, which is what I wish all our kids could enjoy.