How do YOU not crumble under the strain of it all?

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My anxiety goes into overload when my ds is having an issue (see my post about ds fitting in here). I feel like I'm falling apart and have a hard time eating and sleeping. How does everyone else here cope? My ds is very borderline AS (not enough for a dx and not enough to be NT). I feel so alone because there is really no one other than my husband that I can talk, too.

I feel for you. My DS is VERY High Functioning Aspergers. It took me years to get a diagnosis, becuase he is so HF, and he has wonderful skills in small settings like therapist office, psych office, etc..it was very hard for me to get anyone to HEAR what I was saying about how my son is in the real world. And becasue of his high intelligence and he knows all the answers and all the right things to say in non stress situations, but in the real world, that all is out the window...SO FRUSTRATING. And then people look at me like I have 10 heads casue when they talk to him in their office he has all the right answers.

Anyhow, just wanted to say you arent alone. I also feel isolated casue when my son is in a group of ASD he stands out as the highest functioning, and when he is in a group of NT peers he stands out casue of his issues. I feel as if he doesnt really have a group that he fits into. It is so hard to relate to other parents when the kids are either lower functioning or NT.


I dont know how I cope! I try to keep us VERY busy, and some days it is crazy. My son is homeschooled, so I keep him on a tight schedule during the school week, and that helps a lot. But on vacations and holidays it is very hard. I just try to make it one day at a time, and thats about it!

I don't know how I cope...I too have massive anxiety/depression when my daughter has severe difficulties. I tend to escape by reading after she goes to bed. Getting lost in a good novel is my way of escaping. During the day when you are dealing with everything moment to moment it is quite difficult-just try to get through an issue and move on. When I dwell on how bad things seem or the problems we might encounter in the future I really start to lose it.

It's so hard because I am so isolated---no one could possibly understand, except those that have gone through it-and even then, no two kids are alike. And my daughter's anxiety keeps us so homebound, it's really hard for me to give up things I used to enjoy-like going to a movie, etc.

Just vent when you need to here. It's a pretty safe place to "let it out".

Hi jjacmom
I think not crumbling, for me, is a conscious choice I make everyday. It's not easy but obviously to be the best mum I can be, I have to stay strong and upbeat. My kids need this and I need it too. Even writing this I feel tears welling up, the stress is there below the surface. I'm not ignoring it, I'm just not going to feed it. I try to give more attention and energy to all the amazing and positive things in my life and to all the amazing and positive things in my children. We all have challenges and 15 years ago, I would have never known how tough I could be (looking back I was such a wuss!). It also helps me to get through when I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, to remember how many challenges my son faces. He gets up everyday and lives in a world that is so confusing, surrounded by people who can only try to understand... so I don't crumble because they need me.
Best wishes to you and your son

Same here. By the time my husband get's home to take care of our son, I'm too exhausted to even think about going anywhere. Not to mention I can't see at night so I can't drive anywhere even if I wanted to (which I don't so it doesn't even really matter).

I can't say that I'm coping very well at all, but I am trying to. I'm trying light therapy to make up for the lack of sunlight (even typing that makes me feel depressed!! !) I also just joined the YMCA. I hate working out, but I'm going to *try* it because I'm getting desperate. I have high hopes, but I'm mentally prepared for the childcare to not work out. They insisted that they have an inclusion specialist, and can get my son an aide if he's having trouble. *crosses fingers* Even if I can hide in the bathroom with a book, that would be an improvement!

Over the holidays my façade fell apart and I get a looooong good cry. I felt like I was going to fall into a mild depression. I didn't want to feed into this depression so my DH and I came up with a plan. We now get up early in the morning, before the kids wake up, and exercise together. We are not very fit so it is good that we are exercising. I am already dead tired so not much change there. I feel good that we are doing something together and it's our way of spending one hour together 6 days a week. We are currently doing the P90X but any program would do.

I have also gotten into the Game of Thrones book series. When I go to work, I read it on the train and it helps a lot to immerse myself in this book. I usually pick a long series type of book and immerse myself in it. Those are the times when I have my mental vacation. My stress isn't just from my 4yo ASD son. I also have a 6yo and an almost 2 yo and I work full time. But everyday they get older and in time, they will become more independent.

No question about it, dealing with all the major issues at school this year (before we pulled DS out) and the smaller behavioral issues at home (plus the noise and craziness of also having 3 yo twins) has been a huge stress and also put a strain on our marriage. I cope by spending a lot of time surfing my favorite support websites -- wrongplanet.net, addforums.com, secularhomeschool.com, lostandtired.com, secularhomeschool.com.

I have a group of girlfriends who get together one evening every six weeks or so for a book club. I try to go as much as possible, but often my husband is too stressed out from work and the kids and asks me to skip it. I also signed up at a massage place where you are locked in to paying for one each month (they carry over if you don't do it) -- currently I have 4 hours "in the bank", and can't quit until I use them up!

DH doesn't really have an outlet, he tends to cope by making random trips to walmart and the grocery store to get away for an hour. Often we tag team on the weekends -- he goes out and then I go out. My mother babysits so we can have a date every couple of weeks.

We're looking for a bigger house, and the plan is to make one room a place where DH or I can get away from the kids and do projects, watch TV in peace, etc.

Emotional regulation skills are taught in childhood and often involve modelling or copying the emotional traits of parents – especially mothers. Consequently some people may have just never had the right environment or examples to learn from and have to develop emotional literacy...............

its really important parents handle their emotions and set good examples. Children model observed patterns, especially emotional ones.

I want to say something really stupid. Like, Why the hell can't you crumble every once in a while?? Everyone I have ever known has broken down at some point-- the ones who do a really good job of putting a brave face on things 97% of the time are the ones who have massive breakdowns or really scary fits the other 3%.

It was pretty easy to make my dad yell. But I always knew I had a hot meal and a place to sleep, and that we would straighten it all out later.

Grandma never yelled. She was always sweet and in control. Except for a couple times a year-- I wouldn't want my hair combed, or I wouldn't eat my breakfast, or I'd say something wrong. And I'd come home from school to find the door locked and the key taken inside.

Which one seems to make more sense???

Why does everything have to be great for the kids?? Why do you have to be great?? I guess I'm stupid, I don't get it, I'm definitely not normal. I don't get it.

Somehow I've become a much stronger person since having my son. I used to crumble all the time, over everything. But with my son, I think I just suck it up for him. My mom was really emotional and depressed when I was young and it damaged me so I've become terrified of doing that to my son and it keeps me strong, knowing that I will raise him to feel good about himself and be secure and have self-esteem. Since I don't have any other children, parenting a child with autism is the only thing I've ever known, so to me that's just parenting, no worse than any other family.
What really helps to keep me sane is having a life outside of him. I go to school and it's a world completely seperate from him that I find incredibly rewarding. This has been a huge help, it was much more difficult for me when I was a stay at home parent because my whole life revolved around him. Everyone needs some kind of respite.

I don't think you have to be perfect, or even to hide all your flaws and model perfection and then fall apart privately. I think you have to show that you are trying and take responsibility for your actions - and to do so especially pointedly with kids on the spectrum.

For instance, if I lose my temper and yell, as soon as I am calm I go to my son and say "I am sorry I lost my temper, I should not have yelled at you. I was angry, but being angry doesn't mean it is OK to yell; I will work on it and do better next time." (I have found I have to be VERY careful not to add any blaming language like "but you shouldn't have been..." which helps nobody. ) Surprisingly, just saying this often makes it easier to do better next time! (Still not perfect, of course.)

I have read a number of articles that suggest that parents of special needs kids are often experiencing the symptoms of PTSD. I would tend to agree - even though DS has been doing well and nothing scary has happened for two years, I still jump whenever the phone rings (see the article Alex posted on the front page - I've been there) and I wince whenever my son gets angry.

We are being asked to do something superhuman. I accept the challenge to do it because I love my son, but I also know I have limitations. Posting here is a great help to me; there's lots of experience here both from other parents dealing with the same thing and from adults on the autism spectrum who offer a perspective that IMO is solid gold.

BTW, I searched "Aspergers Syndrome" and "Autism" on Meetup.com and found a local support group. If you can't find one, see if your local service providers know of a resource, or start one yourself and ask local service providers to tell people about it. Just sitting and having coffee with other Moms who have stories of their own is a great help to me. These things have been so helpful that my husband has started a group for Dads! (We found that the first group, open to everyone, was primarily women - and so DH, who attends that one sometimes, also created a more male-centered model.)

I am relating to all the posts on this thread and use the motto of my name......just keep swimming from the Finding Nemo movie. I also use the star on the fish tank yelling 'find a happy place....FIND A HAPPY PLACE' I guess l try to put comedy to stop me going crazy.
If there is a support group in your area, give it a chance as you may find friends through it, if not just a chance to talk to others in the same predictament. I ran a support group for a few years and could see how much the mums were glad to have an outlet to speak ( like here ) and some mums made special friendships.
I myself took last year off from work as l was having a meltdown from working as an aide as well as dealing with the issues from my DD, challenges for my DD have got worst over the past few years and it has taken its toll. I keep trying to be positive, l'm back to work this year but not working as an aide.
Mums and dads out there you are doing a great job! It's not easy parenting, it can be very challenging and rewarding a child with ASD. Make sure you have balance and have something for you, whether a walk with the hubbie, book club, massage dates, gym, a hobbie.....anything.

Thank God for Prozac ! ! I could not do this otherwise. That is all I am saying on this subject.

Not crumbling doesn't mean (for me) being a shiny, happy person all the time. That's not even human. When the OP talks about not crumbling, I take it to mean not totally falling apart, as it to be unable to be able to care for your children or yourself anymore. The line between feeling really stressed, then depressed and then totally falling apart is sooooo fine. I just prefer to not even go near it, in case I do fall into that pit. I've been there before, so I know (as most here probably do) how it can kind of sneak up on you. I don't feel like this is some facade I have either, just coping mechanisms in a stressful situation. Not crumbling doesn't mean I never cry, "let off steam" or have a freak out at the kids or hubby, but in general I try to get rid of those feelings quickly, we talk and we work it out and we move on. They freak out at me too, same deal... talk, hug and get happy.
Focussing on the positives, helps you cope better with the negatives.

Have someone, other than just your spouse, whom you can speak to about AS issues in a confidential, supportive environment. Examples: a pastor/religious leader, a counselor

Set up some help for yourself before you have a crisis. Try to surround yourself with caring people, such as friends, relatives, neighbors. Be specific about what they can do to help (bring a freezer meal, take an NT out for a special outing, babysit while you get a manicure, etc...)

Remember you are only human. Give yourself slack to be less than perfect.

Pace yourself. You are in this for the long run.

Cry sometimes.

Try to get enough sleep, eat healthfully, and get some exercise.