Update- My Now 23 Year Old Son and Facebook

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My son is a 23 year old aspie. He has been working now at the same job for over six months, which is a big deal and something we're very proud of. Unlike his previous jobs, he hasn't really gone into the mode of "I don't want to go, I don't care." So that's a great positive.

He still struggles socially, however. In recent months, he has been messaging girls on Facebook, and apparently at least five of them have "blocked" him. One of them threatened him with a restraining order. He did let me read the messages he sent her, and they were so over the top. He kept professing his love for her (he has never met her), telling her she was his dream girl, demanding to know why she didn't like him, etc. I guess he's done similar things with the other girls. I've tried talking to him, but he just doesn't get it. He becomes so frustrated when the girls don't respond to his initial messages, and doesn't realize that they are answering hm by not answering. He can't stand to be ignored, so he keeps pushing it. My wife and daughter are more upset than I am about it, and want me to try to do something about it.

He also was enamored with a girl in our neighborhood, whom he really has never spoken to, and actually bought a necklace to give to her. We tried to explain to him why this wasn't a good idea, as he had never interacted with her, and probably doesn't even know who he is. His attitude was, "But buying her a necklace was a nice thing to do- why wouldn't she like that?" He is so naive about girls, but when we try to advise him, he gets angry. It's so hard to help someone when they won't admit they need help. My wife is afraid that one of these girls will actually contact the police (not sure what they could do for Facebook behavior, and I don't think he's threatened anyone- if anything he is just forcing himself on them, telling them he likes or even loves them, and demanding to know why they don't like him.)

What can we do to help him? Any and all comments are welcomed.

Asperger's Syndrome is marked by obsessions. It is characteristic fro an aspie to have a special interest that develops into an obsession. When I was younger I had a dark obsession but it went away with time. I'd also gotten involved with music so I had little time for anything else. Nothing like a pleasant distraction to keep your mind off the troubling ones.

Sometimes there’s an odd little error in thinking. Some dumb little glitch that seems so simple that no one ever thinks to explain it.

For example:

People don’t need a reason to be UNinterested in you.
They do need a reason to be interested.
It would be something you have in common, some unexplainable chemistry, some something. You need to understand each other at a deep level; to be on the same wave-length.
Talk about people you both actually know, and ask him:
Why do you enjoy hanging out with this person?
Why don’t you enjoy being with that one?
(You might love your grandmother or your toddler cousin, but they really stink at video games.)
Is there anything that the uninteresting person can do to make you want to be friends? (No.)
No blame. Just no connection.

I don’t know where the glitch is in your son’s case. This was just an example.

The book Quirky, Yes; Hopeless, No has some chapters on dating. Maybe worth reading or giving to your son to read...

This is a really tough one.
I'm pushing 30 and still come across issues where I'm coming on too strong, and other times I'm completely oblivious to someone hitting on me (or so I'm told at least).

For me it has been all about practice. No amount of context free advice has helped me one bit. This of course means that I've gotten it wrong an awful lot, and the lessons learned were painful ones. I have however built an internal database of sorts, which throws up examples of 'good' and 'bad' things to do in a given situation. Encourage your son to begin this process for himself.

Is your daughter of a similar age, and NT? Does she have a decent rapport with your son and receive respect in return? Perhaps your son can be encouraged to run his ideas past his sister, along with information about how well he knows the target ( :/ ) girl, to see if she can rate their propriety.

If your son and daughter don't get on so well, you may have to look for another relative or family friend to fill the rôle. Age matching as closely as possible will be important, cultural norms shifting as they do as age increases.

Unfortunately this may be of limited use, as mentioned above practice is the best tool, if not the easiest or least painful.
I wish you all good luck!

I do not know if this will help or make him really angry, but if you google "nice guys" or "nice guys tm" you will find some descriptions of how girls feel about guys who think they are "just being nice," when they, as far as the girls are concerned are being pushy to the point of creepiness. You can try looking through a few of these accounts and picking the ones you feel are appropriate (some are rather blunt, and accusatory) and show them to him, so he can see how his behavior might be interpreted.

Thanks for all the input. I appreciate it.

He doesn't get along that well with his 19 yo sister, who is NT. He talks to her about what is happening on Facebook, but he kind of says what he knows will irritate her, and then finds it funny when she gets upset. Their relationship goes back and forth- sometimes it's better than others, but he rejects her advice on this subject just like he rejects mine.

He has also joined E Harmony (paying for it himself), but has seen no success there, either. Supposedly, they have group meetup sessions, which sounds good, but he dismisses our suggestions that he try that out. My wife thinks we ought to tell him we will pay for him to go to one of these. We'll see how he reacts to that.

Again, thanks for the comments.

EHarmony I have found to be a bit of a minefield. For me one of their meet ups would be 50/50 totally useless due to the number of new people to deal with, and potentially useful for the same reasons. Not having attended one I couldn't say for sure. If he's up for it, and you're sure he understands what it will involve risk wise, it could really pay off.
There are, apparently, matching services for those with an ASD. I have yet to search for or try any myself, but they could be useful too.
Does your son have any ASD friends with a little more experience? Or perhaps you could point him to WP (or somewhere similar if you're worried about your paths crossing). Advice from fellow aspies tends to hit a little harder.

Instead of focusing on what he should not be doing (although, that does need to be readdressed), try explaining to him what does work when attracting women. In this context, what he shouldn't be doing will make more sense. It will also give him something to positively do. Put it in terms of being effective. If something works, then it makes sense to do it. If something does not work, it doesn't make sense to keep doing it.

He really only has one good friend, who he has known since kindergarten. He has his own set of issues, and may perhaps be on the autism spectrum to some degree. However, he has been able to have a few girlfriends, but is just generally so annoying that only my son has really been able to put up with him for any length of time. They both were initially labeled "LD" by the schools, but his friend is more capable socially, until he says something to offend someone (which he often enjoys doing).

The main issue with my son is that he doesn't accept that he has aspergers. He thinks that would mean that something is "wrong" with him. I've tried explaining to him that this is not the case, but that's the big problem- he needs help and guidance, but resents getting it. I do think it would be great if he met some other aspies, but again he probably wouldn't acknowledge he was one (although I have a hunch that if he found an attractive girl with aspergers that this might all change quickly).

He really is basically a good guy- has never hurt anyone or done anything deliberately mean to others. But it's very frustrating to encounter all these obstacles in trying to help him reach his full potential.

I don't know that paying for a "meet up" is necessarily wise at this point. If he does not have the skill set to back away, it might get him into trouble if he comes on too strongly in that environment.

Knowing that he is resisting his diagnosis makes sense. He is not wanting to accept any advice or commentary that makes him feel "other." If he accepted his diagnosis better, he might be open to more advice.

I wish I had something more constructive to add. He may just need to get to that point on his own.

I don't know if it will be too simplistic for a 23 year old, but the book "A Five Is Against The Law" delves into these specific issues and breaks them down very carefully. Worth checking it out, anyway.

We are taking the sad opportunity given by all the news about the horrible case in Steubenville to have a discussion with my 12 year old son about what "consent" means, and all the different ways things went wrong there, even on the part of all the bystanders. It was a very difficult discussion, but the frame we've used with DS for a very long time "people are not toys." Unfortunately, we have an awful lot of social messages to work against - I am sure that all those kids were NT, but an entire party full of people weren't able to wrap their brains around the idea that a crime was being committed. No wonder kids with AS struggle with understanding what consent means even when sex isn't directly involved.

I also wonder if Facebook can help - nothing like having your account suspended for inappropriate behavior to send a message that what you're doing is wrong. Do you or your family know any of these young women? You might ask that they not only block him, but report him for a TOS violation (and you might look up the terms of service to see if it expressly spells out what he's doing wrong. I am guessing messaging someone after they've asked you to stop is stated somewhere.) Not sure if that's the right thing to do, but just an idea.

Good luck, and please check back in and let us know how things are going. All of our kids will eventually be 23, and we'll have to handle stuff like this. Thank you.

Actually, Facebook CAN suspend a user from friend requesting others for a certain number of days... And during that suspension, the user can not message anyone he/she is not friends with

The most I got was 30 days -_-

If son is not open to an AS diagnosis, look for materials (books, online articles, etc...) that are written to explain/help anyone, without having an ASD label on the book. These days, it seems you can Google anything. Also, YouTube videos can be helpful. I LOVE the one done recently in response to the Steubenville incident, that shows a guy taking care of a girl that is passed out on the couch. Shows what a gentleman does!

So, I would find stuff like that and somehow make him watch it.

And, if you approach it like "here is a behavior that will be effective", then he may be more motivated to try to emulate more proper behaviors when it comes to approaching women.

He could get into trouble for stalking, so I'd take this seriously.